The next day …
AFTER A THIRTY-MINUTE conversation with Morgan the day before, she’d admitted that I was actually number two in her book. Not surprisingly, Henry Alexander was number one. The way she’d giggled as I’d told her embarrassing stories about him had touched me so deeply that I’d spent all day mourning the moment the world would lose such a sweet soul. In a fit of guilt that I couldn’t do more, I’d forced Henry to sign nearly every piece of merchandise he had. I didn’t have to hand-deliver it, nor did I have to make a special trip up there at nearly midnight after a show. It wasn’t like she would have even been awake. But the sooner I dropped it off with her nurses, the sooner I’d feel better.
Hopefully.
With the second sold-out concert in San Francisco under my belt, I was struggling even more than usual. I was exhausted from back-to-back shows, not to mention the fact that I had another one the following night. But I found myself utterly unable to shut down. My mind raced with things I could—should—have been doing. Sleeping in a plush bed helped no one. Not even me. I was well aware that I was running myself into the ground. I just couldn’t figure out how to stop. Which was ultimately how I ended up staring at the ceiling from the floor in front of the nurses’ station at the children’s hospital.
After stripping the oxygen mask off my face, I raced out the side door where Devon had parked. My chest was tight, and my voice had all but given out. The night air was cold, but my lungs burned for a completely different reason.
“Levee, wait!” Henry shouted, chasing after me.
“You didn’t have to come,” I squeaked, drying the steady stream of tears on the sleeves of my sweater.
“Yes, I did. And Devon was right to call me too. So don’t you dare give him any shit.” He threw his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest.
“I’m…” My voice trailed off for a second before I finished the thought. “I’m fine.”
Nothing in my life is fine.
“You have to stop coming here,” he whispered, rubbing his hands up and down my back.
“I-I had to bring her that stuff,” I stuttered, desperately trying to get my emotions under control—and failing miserably.
Blowing out a hard breath, he kissed the top of my head. “You have to stop this. All of it. You’re not Mother Teresa, Lev. You can’t take on the world.”
My hands trembled at my side, and he reached down, moving them between us.
“Especially when it affects you like this.”
“I’m okay,” I assured him with more lies.
Leaning away, he tipped my head back to catch my eyes. “You just passed out in the middle of a hospital. I don’t give a damn what you say—you’re not okay.”
“I am. I’m great.” I forced a smile, but my traitorous chin quivered. I quickly buried my face in his chest. If I cried, there would be no way to keep the façade up. Not with Henry.
I swallowed hard.
I could fake it all with a smile.
I was good at that.
A fucking professional.
No tears.
Stepping away, I plastered on my stage face. I really should have been an actress.
Henry’s expression disagreed.
Narrowing his eyes, he put his hands on his hips and asked, “When was the last time you ate?”
Food?
A little girl was about to lose the battle of her life and he wanted to talk about food?
“Who the hell cares about me. She’s going to die!” I yelled.
He grabbed my shoulders and gave me a quick shake. “I care! Jesus Christ, Levee. Half the fucking world cares. It seems you’re the only one who doesn’t.”
If only he knew how true that statement really was.
But I wasn’t about to inform him of that.
Devon’s voice caught both of our attentions as he leaned against my black SUV. “Everything okay?”
“I’m going to need help getting her in the car!” Henry called back to him.
“What?” I immediately backed out of his reach. “No! I have to go back inside.” My eyes anxiously flashed between Henry and Devon as they both approached. “I told the nurse I’d take a picture for her niece.”
“Then have Stewart send her an e-mail, because I’m taking you home, and you’re not leaving until the concert tomorrow night.”
“You are not my father, Henry. You don’t get to make decisions for me,” I snapped.
Leaning into my face, he bit right back, “Well, until you start taking care of yourself, it’s obvious someone needs to. Food and sleep are not optional.”
He forced me toward the car while Devon watched uncomfortably.
“You know I’m the one who signs your checks, right?” I spat the words at Devon as I attempted to shake Henry’s arm off. “Let. Me. Go.”
Henry let out a huff and loosened his grip on my elbow. I started to step away but then lost the ground beneath my feet.
“Not this time,” Henry gritted out, throwing me over his shoulder. “I’ve let you do this bullshit for the last three years. I’m done, Levee. And so are you. Just because you’re helping people doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting yourself.”
“Get your hands off me!” I screamed, but he marched to the SUV and less-than-gracefully deposited me onto the black leather backseat.
Just as I began to scramble toward the other door, a bright flash illuminated the inside of the SUV.
“Shit,” I breathed as Devon quickly circled around to the driver’s side.
“Back up,” he ordered as numerous flashes fired off. “I said, ‘Back. Up.’”
Henry groaned before straightening his shirt, pasting on a smile, and climbing in beside me. Tossing his arm around my seat back, he asked, “You done yet?”
I shook my head.
“Well, pretend you are. And put your head down. Your makeup looks like shit.” Dropping his arm around my shoulders, he curled me into his side.
And just like so many times before, I hid my emotions in his chest as our car pulled away.
“Let me carry her up.” Devon’s voice woke me from my sleep.
“I’ve got her,” Henry replied. “Shhhh,” he whispered into my hair as I began to stir. “Lock up when you leave,” he told Devon as he started up the winding stairs with me securely cradled in his arms.
“I’ll feel better if I stay for a little while. Make sure she’s okay and everything. I can drive you home later,” Devon replied.
Henry brushed the idea off. “Thanks, but I think I’m gonna spend the night. I’ll call Carter if I need a ride. You can go.”
Devon growled in frustration but finally relented. “Yeah. Okay, I’ll lock up.”
As Henry lowered me onto my bed, I heard the beeps of my alarm being set.
Lifting my feet, he pulled off my heels.
“Slumber party?” I asked sleepily.
He chuckled, collapsing into bed next me. “It’s a shame you don’t have a dick. Because, for as much as I put up with from you, I should at least be getting laid tonight.”
I laughed, scooting into his side, all of my earlier anger muted by sheer exhaustion.
He let out a sigh as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“I’m worried about you,” he whispered.
I didn’t reply.
I was starting to worry too.
“You’re overdoing it, Lev. I know this job isn’t exactly nine-to-five, but it’s not twenty-four-seven, either. You have to stop being Levee Williams all the time and just be you.”
“I know,” I responded.
I didn’t though. I felt like a robot parading around in a lost woman’s body.
Smile.
Pose.
Turn.
Toss in the occasional song.
Repeat.
What little time I did manage to carve out for myself was spent at various children’s hospitals across the country.
Smile.
Pose.
Turn.
Watch a child die.
Repeat.
With every day that passed, the smile became less and less genuine, the pose more and more forced, and the turn took me further and further away from who I really was.
My career was soaring while, personally, I was plummeting. Every single day felt like a terrifying free fall in no particular direction. I was stuck in the middle with no way up—or down.
“You remember that girl, right?” Henry asked, tucking a hair behind my ear.
I nodded.
I did remember her. She was fun and carefree. She loved going out and dancing at nightclubs until the very last song played. She slept until noon if she could. Then, fueled by coffee alone, she’d spend the day with a guitar strapped around her neck and a notepad at her side. She had a huge heart, but she knew her limitations.
Oh, I remembered that girl. I just couldn’t figure out how to get back to her.
“You have one more show here tomorrow night. Then one in LA next week. After that, cancel New York. Stay here and rest up,” he urged.
I suddenly sat up. “I can’t cancel!”
“Yes, you can. It’s a stupid award show. I’ll accept whatever you win on your behalf.”
“I’m supposed to perform.” I sighed, flopping back down.
I couldn’t say that his idea didn’t sound appealing. Without New York, I’d have two glorious weeks off.
Which would leave me a full fourteen days to sit in a children’s hospital. My gut wrenched at the idea.
“You need a break, Lev. It’s not a concert. I’m not suggesting you let down thousands of paying fans. It’s one song…at an award show. You’ll be missed, but they’ll find someone to fill your spot. I swear.”
Not wanting to continue the conversation any longer, I simply nodded in agreement. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do. After that night’s little fainting episode, I couldn’t argue that I needed a break. My mind and conscience just wouldn’t allow me to take one.
“Get some sleep, Levee.” He kissed the top of my head.
I lay there for several minutes as Henry’s breathing evened out. From my position on the bed, I could make out the dancing lights of the San Francisco skyline outside my balcony doors. I’d bought the house for that view, but as I stared at the bridge in the distance, my mind drifted to a completely different view altogether.
One of the tattooed variety.