AFTER ALMOST THREE hours of chugging coffee, smoking cigarettes, and talking myself off the ledge of rage, I decided to head back and see if I could charm my way in to see Levee. As I pulled into a parking spot, I was thrilled to see a familiar face. Carter, the barrel-chested bodyguard who had driven me home from Levee’s house after our fight the first night together, was standing out front, barking into a phone. I threw my car in park then jogged up to him. Maybe he could get me inside.
His eyes grew wide as I approached. Using his hand to cover the phone, he asked, “She’s not with you?”
“Levee? No. They won’t let me in. I was hoping—”
He lifted the phone back to his ear. “Sam just arrived, Mr. Williams. She’s not with him. We’ll keep you updated.”
Mr. Williams? Levee’s dad?
He hung up. “Come with me, Sam.” He walked toward the door.
I grabbed his arm. “What the hell is going on? Why would you think Levee was with me?”
“Follow me,” was his only reply.
The receptionist glared at me as Carter escorted me past her and into a back office. I was already a bundle of nerves, but the moment I caught sight of Henry’s hollow eyes, I realized something was terribly wrong. He stopped midpace, and hope filled his empty expression.
“Oh thank God!” He rushed in my direction and peered over my shoulder. “Where is she?”
“I have no idea.” Bile rose in my throat.
He threw his hands over his mouth and spun in place to face Devon and the Men in Black conferring in the corner. Several other people lined the walls, all looking equally as devastated by this realization.
“Someone please tell me what the fuck is going on!” I barked as my gaze flashed around the room, pleading for some answers.
But no one so much as made eye contact.
“Damn it!” Henry screamed, swiping a hand out and dramatically clearing off the desk. He pointed an angry finger at Devon. “Find. Her. Right fucking now.”
Find her.
Fuck.
Devon nodded and started to leave the room, but I caught his arm first. Someone was going to give me some answers.
“Fill me in.”
He didn’t. With furrowed brows, he snatched his arm from my grasp and headed out the door.
I approached Henry who looked like he was about to fall apart at any second, but so was I. “Talk to me. Now!” I roared, all patience gone.
“Devon put you on her banned visitors list. She lost her mind. She called me in tears and I told her to stay put, but she took off. We assumed she was with you.”
I menacingly leaned into his face. “What the fuck do you mean she took off?”
He threw his hands out to his sides in frustration and yelled, “I mean we have no fucking clue where she went!”
My entire world stilled then flipped completely upside down. A whooshing noise filled my ears, and Anne’s smile appeared behind my lids with every blink. Her words from the past echoed in my mind.
“I’m fine.”
I knew exactly where Levee was headed.
And it was the most terrifying moment of my entire life.
Without another word spoken, I sprinted from the room like an Olympic athlete on fire. And, judging by the burn in my chest, I really might have been.
No. No. No. No.
There wasn’t much this world could throw at me that I hadn’t already experienced, but this…
Oh, God.
The pendulum of my anxiety swung epically high, sledgehammering my knees on the way up. They were shaking so badly that, if I hadn’t needed them to find her, they would have buckled. Pure force of will kept me on my feet—well, that and a pair of Designer Shoes that I prayed were still securely on solid ground.
I slid behind the wheel of my car and pulled up the maps app on my phone. Then I peeled out of the parking lot, still zooming in and out, frantically searching for the closest bridge.
I tried to be rational and tell myself that she wouldn’t do this to me. She’d been doing so much better. She was just upset and needed to blow off some steam. That didn’t mean she was suicidal. However, when she was nowhere to be found on the first bridge, the overwhelming fear made it difficult to stay positive.
After the second bridge, it was damn near impossible.
And, after the third, I was lost in the pits of despair.
But I kept going with nothing more than her last words to me fueling my hope.
“I’ll see you in a minute.”
I would never forget as long as I lived the moment those brown curls came into view. There wasn’t even a pedestrian lane on that small bridge overlooking what could only be described as a creek. But she was there, standing at the concrete railing—her heart still beating, her breath still filling her lungs. And, as my car came to a screeching halt in the middle of traffic, a smile covered her face.
I was so relieved that I couldn’t have cared less when cars started honking as I jumped from my car and slid across the hood like Bo Duke.
“Jesus Christ, Levee,” I breathed when I crashed into her, folding her securely in my arms.
“Well, that took you long enough,” she teased.
I wanted to be pissed. I really did. But that could wait. I needed to figure out where her head was. She didn’t seem upset or distressed, but she was definitely standing on the edge of a bridge for a reason. I just hoped it wasn’t the reason I thought.
Horns continued to blare as cars drove around mine.
“What are you doing up here?” I asked.
She leaned away and smiled widely. “Waiting for you.”
“On a bridge?” I asked, incredulously.
“It’s a tiny bridge, Sam.” She glanced down at the water below. “I’m not even sure if that fall would have broken my legs.”
“I don’t give a fuck if it’s a log over a ditch. It’s still a bridge,” I snapped.
Her eyes narrowed at my outburst. “Well, you found me, didn’t you? I’m fine.”
I flinched at her word choice. “Yes, after searching every bridge in this city. I was scared to fucking death, Levee.”
Her attitude slipped. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that. Jumping isn’t at all why I’m here. I swear. Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I’ve been up here. I’m not sure I ever wanted to kill myself, Sam. It was just the idea of escaping all the chaos and overwhelming guilt I had in my life that sounded so appealing. But that doesn’t mean jumping—it just means making some changes. Changes I’m officially ready to make now.” She smiled proudly.
And, truth be told, I was proud of her too.
I was also frustrated.
“You couldn’t call and tell me that? Maybe wait for me at Starbucks?”
She darted her gaze away, embarrassed. “See, funny thing about cell phones. I don’t actually know your number by memory.”
I rolled my eyes and started to give her more shit when a soda cup hit me in the back of the head. A motorist shouted from his car, “Move, asshole!”
“Son of a bitch!” I cursed, wiping the liquid off the back of my shirt.
I scowled when Levee began giggling.
The smile she tossed back at me immeasurably eased the vise on my chest.
She was…really and truly…fine.
And, as she flipped off the angry soda guy as he sped away, it didn’t even pain me to admit it.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, tugging on her arm. “No more fucking bridges. I’m officially making solid ground our thing.”
She nodded enthusiastically and followed me to the car.
“I’m sorry, Henry. I’m serious,” Levee said into the phone as I put my cigarette out and headed back through the balcony door to join her on the bed.
We were in a budget hotel not far from the bridge where I’d found her.
I had attempted to take Levee back to the rehab center, but she quickly put that idea on the back burner by dropping her hand into my lap. I wasn’t budging on the fact that we needed to talk about what had led her to bolt the way she had.
But I was a man, and I hadn’t seen her in weeks.
A hotel room at least kept my options open for after that chat.
“Hey, my mom is beeping in again. I’ll call you in a little while. Okay. I love you too.”
She pulled the phone away from her ear long enough to switch calls.
“I’m fine!” Levee huffed into the phone without so much as a greeting. “No! Do not come to Maine, Mom.” She groaned before copping an attitude. “Well, I guess you can, but I won’t be here.” She shot me an exasperated look then rolled her eyes. “Okay, I need to go. Yep. I’m great. Uh-huh. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.”
Her mom was still talking on the other end when she hung up.
She tossed my phone on the bed and sighed, flopping down beside me. “You would think that I was lost on the streets of Abu Dhabi for a month.”
“They were worried, Levee.”
She curled into my arms, tangling her legs with mine. “Oh bullshit. Dad’s mistress was probably worried this would affect her new jewelry collection, and Mom was probably just concerned that she’d have to finally acknowledge her at my funeral. Ick!” Her shoulders shuddered in disgust. “There is a reason I don’t talk to my parents. I’ll sign a check any day of the week if it keeps them in Arizona and away from me.”
I filed that little rant in the things-to-ask-Levee-about-when-we-didn’t-have-a-million-other-things-to-talk-about folder in the back of my mind.
With a sigh, she shifted her head onto my pillow and placed a kiss on my lips. It started out as chaste, but it didn’t take long before our tongues were gliding against each other and our bodies found a similar rhythm, grinding together.
“Why are you wearing so much clothes?” she asked, slinging a leg over my hips to rub her core over my cock, which was unfortunately still hidden within the denim.
“Because I want to talk to you about today.” I grabbed her ass to still her movements.
“Ugh! I swear you are the most talkative man I’ve ever met. You’re supposed to want to have sex all the time, and I’m supposed to want to talk. Which I don’t. So let’s skip to the sex part.”
She went in for another kiss, but I placed my lips on her forehead instead.
“Tell me why you were on the bridge, Levee,” I whispered.
“I already told you. I didn’t have my phone, and I knew that was where you’d look for me.”
“Not the one today. The one when we first met.”
Her whole body stiffened in my arms. “I…uh…I guess was just exhausted and overwhelmed.” She shrugged.
“That I know. You have to give me more though.”
She rolled to her back and blew a breath out but didn’t say a single word.
“Tell me why you were on the bridge, Levee,” I urged again.
She finally lifted her head and bluntly said, “Because I was a walking disaster.”
Her use of past tense encouraged me.
I brushed the hair off her neck and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “No you weren’t.”
“I really was, Sam.” She smiled tightly. “I couldn’t shut down anymore. You know that feeling you get in your stomach from a sudden drop? Mine felt like that all the time. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was just stressed about everything. Especially all the kids like Morgan dying at children’s hospitals.”
My head snapped back. “What?”
“I can’t visit them all. I just can’t. I do my best, but do you have any idea how many dying kids there are out there?” She pushed out of my arms and got to her feet. “It’s so fucking unfair.” Her chin quivered as she began to pace while chewing on her thumbnail.
I sat up on the bed. “Levee, Morgan isn’t dying.”
She stopped, and her eyes jumped to mine.
“She was released a few days ago, actually. She was only at the hospital because she kept getting sick during her treatments. So they moved her to a more sterile environment.”
She swallowed hard, and tears filled her eyes. “Really?”
“Do you even ask about these dying kids you go see?”
“No. I’m not going to invade their privacy by asking a million questions. When I go, it’s to offer them a diversion, not to remind them why they are there in the first place.”
“Levee, you’re killing yourself with guilt over sick kids who are fighting and winning.”
“They aren’t all winning, Sam.” Her voice cracked at the end.
I kept my tone soft but firm. “But a lot of them are. Focus on the right part of that equation. No wonder you’re depressed. You think every kid who visits a hospital is dying.”
“I don’t think they all are….but—”
I interrupted her again before she had the chance to muddle it back up in her head. “Hospitals are where kids go to get better. Yes, some lose their battles, but most do not.”
“But some do,” she snapped. Hanging her head, she whispered, “My sister, Lizzy, died in a hospital three weeks after she was diagnosed with leukemia.”
And there it was.
Levee had a past of her own.
And just knowing that we shared something so similar gutted me.
“C’mere,” I said, but I didn’t wait for her to obey. I went to her.
Her arms were tucked between us, but she accepted my embrace, leaning her head into the base of my neck. I backed her toward the bed then turned at the last second and pulled her down on top of me.
“How old were you?” I asked as her stiff body relaxed.
“Eight,” she squeaked.
“That’s a long time ago. Have you ever seen someone…ya know…to talk about it?” I smoothed her curls down and kissed the top of her head.
“Yeah. I did when I was a kid.”
“And recently?” I prompted.
“I don’t really remember her all that well. I mean, I do. But it’s not like she’s haunting me or something. Most of what I remember of her was in the hospital for those three weeks. Then how lonely I felt when she died. She was two years older than me. I wanted to be just like Lizzy when I grew up. Then, one day, I was older than she was. That was really hard.”
I nodded in understanding. It did suck. Anne was three years younger than me. I was older than she’d ever be.
“It’s funny. I don’t remember a ton about Lizzy, but one of my clearest memories of her was the day a celebrity visited the hospital she was at. She was so sick at that point, but the moment he walked in the room, bearing nothing more than a stuffed animal and a T-shirt, she perked up completely. She was laughing and smiling. We thought meeting someone famous was the coolest thing in the entire world. I swear she was a different person for at least a week. It was crazy how something so small meant so much to us back then.”
“Who was the celebrity?” I asked, smoothing a hand down her back in understanding.
“Ric Flair.”
I arched an eyebrow in question. “The wrestler, Ric Flair?”
She nodded with a smile creeping across her lips.
“The Nature Boy, Ric Flair?” I threw in his signature “woo” just so there was no confusion.
She nodded again, her smile stretching wide.
“I honestly have no idea if you’re serious right now.”
She laughed. “I’m completely serious.”
I leaned away to get a full read on her face, still not believing her. “You were a wrestling fan?”
“No! And I think that’s the part that stuck with me. Lizzy didn’t have to know who he was. She just needed to feel special. I worked my ass off to fulfill my dreams of making a living out of music. The split second I got a song on the radio, I started spending my weekends with sick kids. Half of them didn’t even know who I was at first, but they would still smile and laugh as I walked in the room. I saw Lizzy’s face in every single one of them. Once I became more known, the pressure only built. I had to do more. Give more. Be there more.” The words lodged in her throat, and I could feel her heart slamming wildly in her chest.
She was working herself into a panic attack from just talking about it. I couldn’t imagine how she had dealt with it on a daily basis.
“Shhh. Relax.” I squeezed her tight to my chest.
“Goddammit.” She banged her fist against the mattress. “I promised myself I was taking my life back today. And look at me. I can’t even talk about this without losing my shit.”
“Your view on life is seriously warped,” I told her matter-of-factly.
Her whole body flinched, making it clear that those words weren’t the sugarcoating she had been expecting from me. But someone had to tell her.
“You’re not Spiderman.” I smirked.
“And you’re not funny,” she deadpanned.
“Yes, I am. But hear me out. You can’t save everyone. I get it, Levee, because for so fucking long, I felt the same way. Hell, after the way I freaked out when you went missing today, I might still feel that way. But at least I can recognize it. For years, I beat myself up over the fact that I wasn’t there sooner the day my dad killed himself. The guilt ate at me. Until one day, my mom sat me down and explained that I wasn’t Spiderman.” I laughed at the memory. “Keep in mind, I was sixteen when she told me this, not ten. But, God, it was the most freeing thing anyone ever said to me after he died. I was just one person. I couldn’t be everywhere for everyone. Not for Dad. Not even for Anne.”
“Sam, that wasn’t—”
I didn’t give her a chance to tell me what I already knew. “It wasn’t my fault. I know. I just wish I could have done more. It’s the struggle of decent people everywhere. Levee, that’s not a bad feeling to have. It only becomes bad when those wishes consume you and when you get so wrapped up in helping people that you lose sight of the toll it’s taking on you. I could have sat with Anne twenty-four-seven. My mom could have done the same for my dad. You could easily toss your career in the trash and go on a world tour of hospitals everywhere, but how would that affect you? At some point, you have to make your own life a priority. No one else can do that for you. Not a doctor or your family and friends. Hell, not even I can do it. That’s on you, Levee.”
Tears filled her eyes. “That’s not true. You do that for me all the time. I don’t feel so out of control when I’m with you.”
I couldn’t fault her there. She did that for me, too. She was just confused on what it was.
“No I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No. I really don’t.”
“Yes, you really do!” she snapped, starting to get angry.
I couldn’t help but laugh as she narrowed her eyes at me. I rubbed my fingers over the pinched skin between her brows. “You’re going to give yourself wrinkles if you keep doing that. I need you to stay hot so I can show you off to my friends when you finally let me tell them.”
She swatted my hand away. “You can’t tell me how you make me feel. You’re not in my head.”
“I can tell you whatever I want,” I said indignantly.
“No, you can’t.”
“Yes, I can.”
“No. You. Can’t.” She got even more pissed, and I, once again, started laughing.
“I love you.”
Levee sat straight up as if a bolt of lightning had just struck the bed.
Yep. That was my smooth move. I’d just blurted it out while we had been bickering, fully dressed, in a random hotel room in middle of Maine. That was going to be the story we told our kids about—the magical moment you only get once in a lifetime with someone. It was Sam Rivers’s romance at its finest—completely and utterly ridiculous, but also more honest than anything in the world.
“You what?” she half breathed, half accused.
“Designer shoes, I said, ‘I love you.’ I have for a while. Probably from the moment you used your body to shield the wind so I could light my cigarette. Maybe even before that. It was love at first stalk, Levee.”
“Sam…”
“So, yeah, I can tell you whatever I want. And I’m telling you all I do is offer you a distraction from the rest of your crazy life. It’s a really fucking good distraction, and I’m praying that you love the hell out of that distraction and want to keep it forever. But, at the end of the day, you have to be the one who wants to live. All I can do is be at your side while you do it.” I shrugged simply.
Although, as I stared into her brown eyes, there was absolutely nothing simple about it.
I love her. Now, I had to sit and wait to see if she loved me too.
She held my gaze while a combination of emotions passed over her gorgeous face. Her cheeks pinked shyly. Her lips twitched with humor. Her eyes filled with love. But her mouth said, “You’re a dumbass.”
Well, okay, then.