I SPENT TWO glorious days lost in Sam before I came back up for air. I wished I could’ve stayed tucked in his bed forever, but he had work to do, and unfortunately, I did too. Really, I didn’t want to do any of it though.
Sure, I needed to return the hundreds of calls I’d ended from Stewart and let him know that I was taking an indefinite hiatus from music. I was positive it wasn’t going to go over well.
I also needed to fire Devon. My heart broke at the idea, but no more than it had the day he had taken it upon himself to come between me and Sam—that killed.
And, after all of that was done, I needed to head up to my house, change all the locks and security codes, and then relocate half of my wardrobe to Sam’s closet. There had never been a question of his place or mine when we’d gotten back. His shop was out back, and he had Sampson to take care of, so his place was the obvious choice. But, above and beyond all that, I loved Sam’s house. I’d only spent one night there before I’d left, but somehow, it felt like home. I wasn’t necessarily moving in for good, but I wasn’t planning to go back home any time soon, either.
Sam had been up for hours when I finally dragged myself out of bed long enough to do my hair and makeup. I took my sweet time, hoping another day would slip to night so I could avoid my to-do list, but an hour later, when I slid my heels on, the clock only read eleven in the morning.
Grabbing my new phone, I decided to procrastinate on Twitter for a while before starting my day.
It was the wrong decision.
So. So. So wrong.
The very first message to pop up on my feed was a video of a bald little boy no older than three, connected to more wires than I could count. He looked so weak, but as someone offscreen turned my song “Discovery” on, he started shimmying and shaking in his hospital bed. The song only lasted for a few seconds before it cut off, and the boy immediately broke into tears when it ended. It was turned back on and he started dancing all over again. My stomach wrenched as I pressed play repeatedly, only pausing long enough to read the tweet.
@LeveeWilliams You should come to Indiana and meet your biggest fan.
It was a harmless message that had been retweeted over three thousand times, but it was like a knife to my gut. I really should do that.
It would have cost me nothing to be on a plane that same night, but I knew the real price would be paid when I started the vicious cycle all over again.
I’m on a break.
Yet my fingers still typed out in response:
@SandyJoe176 Absolutely! I’d love to meet that handsome little guy. My manager will be in touch.
My finger hovered over the send button for entirely too long.
Visiting one sick kid wasn’t the same as exhausting myself in hospitals every opportunity I got. What would be the harm in just flying out for one day? It wouldn’t even have to be a full day. I could be back in time for dinner. Or, better yet, maybe Sam would go with me and we could make it a fun trip for both of us.
My finger inched closer to the send button.
Surely, he’d be on board with something like this. He knew how important visiting sick kids was for me. I mean, he couldn’t expect me to give it up completely.
“You’re not Spiderman.”
Shit.
I pressed play on the video once more, my finger still hovering over send as I watched that little boy’s eyes light when my song came through the speaker of my phone.
It’s the right thing to do. No matter how it affects me.
But what about how it affected Sam?
Before I even realized it, I was on my feet and heading out to Sam’s shop. I slung the door open and was instantly greeted by the loud grinding of a power tool. Sam was in the corner, hunched over a table, a cigarette dangling between his lips. The room fell silent as his gaze swung to mine. I must have looked panicked, because he immediately dropped the tool on the table and marched in my direction.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can we go to Indiana?”
He spun to drop his cigarette into an ashtray before turning back to face me. “Depends on why you want to go, I guess.”
“There’s a sick little boy who sent me a video on Twitter. I think it would be a really nice thing to do. It’s not like I have a lot going on right now. But I bet it would mean a lot if we showed up. I could have Stewart get in touch with his parents and make it a big surprise,” I rushed out in one long breath until I ran out of air.
He arched an eyebrow.
I sucked in deeply before exclaiming, “We could both go! Make it a romantic getaway!”
He stared at me for a minute before silently flipping his palm up, requesting my phone. I sidled up beside him as he pressed play on the video.
My eyes bounced between his face and the phone as I watched him smile warmly at the child on the screen. When it ended, he tossed an arm around my shoulders, and just like I had, he pressed play again. I cuddled into his chest, wrapping my arms around his hips. Closing my eyes, I listened to his strong heartbeat as I awaited the verdict.
“What do you want to do, Levee?” he asked when the video ended.
I didn’t open my eyes as I answered, “I want to go.”
“And you think that will help him?”
“I don’t know.”
“But you think it might help you though, right?”
Yes. “I don’t know.”
Sam sucked in a hard breath, my head rising as his chest expanded. “You know I love you, right?” he said.
I didn’t answer that question, nor did I release my hold around his waist even when his arms fell away from me. “You’re going to tell me no, aren’t you?”
“No. I’m not telling you anything. If you want to go, go.”
I craned my neck back in surprise. “You want to go with me?”
“Nope,” he answered shortly.
“Why…why not?” I stuttered.
“Because you’re supposed to be on a break. You’re supposed to be going to see your therapist tomorrow. You’re supposed to be firing Devon, contacting Stewart, cleaning out your closet.” He paused, raking an angry hand through his hair. “You’re supposed to be fucking moving in with me.”
Shit. Maybe I am moving in permanently.
I finally stepped away. “What do you expect me to do, Sam?”
“The things you promised!” he roared before collecting himself. “If you want to go, do it. But that’s on you,” he snapped, turning his back on me.
My guilt morphed to anger. “See, that’s exactly the problem. It is on me!”
His back was still to me as he lit a cigarette. “Two days.” He laughed without humor.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I was more than ready for an icy gaze as he turned to face me, but I was nowhere near ready for the level of disappointment that showed on his angry face. “It means two days ago, I agreed to play Spiderman and bring you home with me. It means I love you so fucking much that I was willing to risk your life just to spend more time with you. And two fucking days later, I’m already failing.”
My stomach sank, and the air between us became too thick to breathe. “You aren’t failing. I just wanted to visit a kid!”
He lifted the cigarette to his lips for another drag. “Then what?”
I opened my mouth to reply, only I didn’t have an answer at all. I had no fucking clue what came next. It was just an impulse to help someone. It wasn’t the spiral down I was quickly realizing he was convinced I was going to take.
“That’s what I thought,” he whispered on a cloud of smoke. “Eventually, you’d end up back on that bridge.” He wrenched his eyes shut.
“Sam, I won’t let that happen again. I swear.”
Scratching the back of his head, he announced, “I think you need to go back to Maine, Levee.”
“No!” I cried, taking a giant step toward him. “Listen to me, please. I won’t go to Indiana. It was just a gut reaction to seeing that video. I came out here to get your honest opinion.”
He looked at the ground, shaking his head. “Well, you got it, didn’t you?”
“Look at me,” I ordered, and his eyes immediately lifted to mine. “I don’t need to go back to Maine. I made the appointments with the doctor. I’m trying here.”
“Are you?” He tipped his head in question. “I mean, are you really?”
“Yes, I really am.”
He put his cigarette out and lit another. “Then why haven’t you called Stewart? You’ve told no one about the break you so adamantly promised me you were gonna take. Henry didn’t even know when I mentioned it last night.”
“You were talking to Henry?”
“We’re both worried about you, Levee.”
I didn’t know why I was so shocked by the fact that they were communicating without me, but even in the midst of an argument, it warmed me in all the right places.
“Oh. Well. I just haven’t had a chance to tell him yet. That’s all.”
Sam’s eyes flashed back to the door of his shop, which he stared at for entirely too long. I wasn’t sure what was going on inside his head, and when I was about to ask, he whispered, “I’m scared.”
“What?” I asked, walking closer so I could hear him better.
He cleared his throat but kept his eyes on the door. “I said, ‘I’m scared.’” Then his empty eyes lifted to mine. “I think you want to take your life back. I really fucking do. But I’ll be honest here: I’m not equipped for this. I thought I could do it, but I was wrong. Remember when you told me about that feeling you had in your stomach—like you were falling?”
I nodded as tears welled in my eyes.
“That’s exactly how I felt when you walked in here. My stomach dropped the moment I saw the anxiety in your eyes. I feel it every night when I watch you fall asleep.”
Oh, God. “The free fall,” I whispered.
“It’s terrible, but I was so fucking relieved when I realized it was just a sick kid you were upset about.”
I inhaled deeply then closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I jumped in surprise when his arms suddenly folded around me.
“No. I’m sorry. I should have pushed harder for you to stay in Maine. Levee, I love having you here. I’m just terrified that I’m going to fail you too.” He squeezed me painfully tight, burying his face in my hair. “I can’t lose you too.”
I hated the idea of leaving more than I could ever adequately express, but when I closed my eyes and put myself in his shoes, I understood why he needed me to go. And, above and beyond all the stuff about his past, there was absolutely nothing in the world I wouldn’t do to extinguish the free fall for him.
He had, after all, done it for me.
I squeezed him tight and breathed in a lungful of the smoky sweetness that was Sam’s scent. “I’ll go back.”
His body sagged in relief.
“But not to Maine. They were idiots.”
“Okay. Somewhere new. I’m good with that. Maybe somewhere closer this time.” He kissed the top of my head while gliding his hands up and down my back.
“But, if I do this, I expect something in return.”
He chuckled. “Whatever you want, baby. Just name it.”
I laughed, because with that one phrase, I knew I had him cornered. “Quit smoking while I’m gone.”
“You’re such a funny girl,” he said patronizingly.
“I’m not joking. You’re not the only one who’s scared. Struggling through lung cancer with you isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. You quit smoking and we both get healthy.”
“Fuck. It was sexy when you showed this evil side to Lexi. Me…not so much.”
“Sam—”
He groaned loudly. “Fiiiine. I promised my mom I’d quit anyway. I guess this is two birds, one stone and all.”
I cuddled even closer into his chest. “I love it when you call me a bird and threaten to throw stones at me.”
He smoothed a hand down my back. “I figured. You always have been kinkier than I am.”
“So we’re really going to do this?” I asked, peeking up at him.
“I’m in if you are, Levee. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for the peace of mind that your getting some help will give me.”
I bit my lip and glanced away. I hated knowing that he worried about me like that, almost as much I loved knowing he cared enough to worry like that. He was such a good guy.
My guy. A smile grew on my lips.
“Does that include finally dicing up twenty-four thousand dollars in guitars?” I asked as my eyes landed on my four Gibsons leaning, untouched, against the far wall.
“Whoa! Now, you’re just getting crazy.” A devilish smile formed on his plump lips, and all of his earlier anger and anxiety disappeared completely.
My breath caught in my chest. God, he was gorgeous.
I cupped his strong jaw. “There must be a million women throwing themselves at you. How are you not married with a boatload of kids by now?”
His smile spread impossibly wide. “I hadn’t met you yet.” He shrugged before taking my mouth in a reverent kiss.
Well, for Sam, it might have been just a kiss. But, for me, it was definitely reverent, because the whole time his lips were on mine, I thanked whatever God that ruled our crazy universe for guiding him to me on that bridge all of those nights before.