Chapter Four

GEORGINA

 

 

Outside the cafeteria, away from the crowd, I pulled my hand free of Blake’s.

He turned back to look at me and winced. “I’m sorry if that was as embarrassing for you as it was for me.”

“That was a total ambush. It’s not fair to put someone on the spot like that. Me saying yes under pressure—it doesn’t mean we’re back together.” My heart still raced from the public spectacle of it all, as much as from the feel of Blake’s hand holding mine. It had been hard letting go, but it had to be done.

“I know.” His voice was solemn. “I wouldn’t have chosen to do it that way, only it wasn’t really my choice.”

Of course he wouldn’t have chosen that. He didn’t dance. He used to; he used to be one of Seyvia’s dancers. But her death must have also killed that part of him, the part that danced. So why dance now?

“Whose choice was it, then?”

Blake gave me a cheeky smirk. “Give me that one last chance. Go out with me tonight and I’ll tell you.”

I folded my arms. “Now you’re adding curiosity blackmail onto public ambushing?”

“Bugger, okay. Not a good move.” Blake rubbed his chin as though thinking it through. “But you are curious, aren’t you?”

I snorted a tiny chuckle. Damn it, don’t let him know he’s getting to you.

He swayed his hips gently. “And that was kind of fun, back there, with the dancing?”

I failed to hide my smile.

“Just give me a go. A fresh start, without that list, free from what you were going through then. One night. One proper date. Please, Georgie?”

Looking into his blue eyes, how they gazed down into mine, my heart cracked open.

Say no. Say goodbye. You can’t have this, no matter what you want. He doesn’t deserve another tragedy.

My mouth opened but nothing came out. How could I say no to those eyes?

Maybe a compromise …

“Just one night. One last night. To say goodbye properly.”

Blake frowned, but nodded. He let me know when he’d be round to pick me up, then turned away.

Before he was out of earshot, I called out, “It was fun, back in the cafeteria. Like something out of a music video. It was nice seeing you dance.”

 

 

 

Back home after class, I turned my wardrobe inside out trying to find something to wear. I had no idea where Blake planned to take me, which didn’t help the decision process. I wanted to dress casual, but not too casual, just in case we went somewhere posh. I didn’t want to look unattractive, but didn’t want to dress too sexily. I didn’t want to give Blake any false hopes. I didn’t want to give myself any either.

I checked my reflection. I was fooling myself if I thought I wasn’t trying to look appealing. I’d chosen my tightest jeans, a semi-sheer lace blouse, and ended up with more makeup on than I should have. Maybe the deep red lipstick was too much. I hesitated, knowing my full lips were one of my best features but not really wanting to draw his attention to them, because then he might want to kiss them. And I was supposed to be not wanting him to kiss me.

I really want him to kiss me.

A knock came from the front door, and I rubbed some of the color off my lips with the back of my hand.

I opened the door for Blake, and he came inside while I chased up my phone and purse.

Blake caught sight of Julie’s emptied out room. “I heard about the accident. I’m sorry, about Julie.”

I couldn’t move for a full five seconds while I braced my emotions. I should have been grieving her, laying her to rest, not going on a date.

Blake moved a little closer to me. “You weren’t hurt badly, were you?”

His blue eyes looked so worried for me. All I had was a light bruise from my seatbelt and a sore shoulder. I would have taken any injury if it meant Julie could have survived. Guilt made me shiver and I chased it away. “No, not badly.”

I could barely talk to him. I could barely look at him. Having him so close was too much temptation when he was begging me for another chance. I should have been the one begging him, but I knew something he didn’t know: that we had no future together. I should have been begging him for forgiveness.

Blake wandered over near the roses. Their color warmed the whole room from their vase on the coffee table.

“Pretty roses. Do you like them?” he asked.

“Did you send them to me?”

He smiled and made shifty eyes. “No card, huh? Completely anonymous? How will you ever know for sure?”

I frowned at him as I clipped my purse closed. “You could tell me. That’s how I could know for sure.”

He rubbed his chin. “Nope. I’m pretty sure there’s no way you could ever know for sure.”

I was almost certain now he had been the one who sent me the flowers. But if he was trying to win me back, why not send a card? Why not admit to sending them? He was being weirdly coy.

We took my car and Blake drove. The sun had just set, and stars poked through the darkening blue-green sky like tiny fairy lights. The spiced cake and aged wood scent of Blake’s cologne drifted to my nose, and I closed my eyes, recalling the smell of it on his neck and the feel of his neck against my face as I buried it there. The feel of his chest under my fingers …

The memory was so vivid it made my cheeks flush with heat.

I had to get my mind off his body, and I had questions to ask anyway.

“I used to love the song that you sang for me today. I would dream of being in their music videos, and one of the boy-band members falling in love with me.”

“Is that right?”

“How did you know?”

“What makes you think I knew?”

The whole thing gave me a strange sense of déjà vu. Everything was so weird lately. Had he been conspiring with my dad? “Blake, it was … strangely specific. How did you know?”

Gravel rumbled under the wheels as we turned off the road into a parking lot. “Hey look, we’re here.”

“Perfect timing,” I said, loading my tone with sarcasm like a big loud sarcasm gun.

‘Here’ turned out to be a carnival. We got out of the car and walked up to the entry gate.

Inside, multi-colored lights twinkled and flashed, and the smells of hot dogs and popcorn filled the air, along with the screams of people on rides and laughter from those trying their luck at the sideshow games. It was raucous and magical and full of joy.

Blake went to buy tickets. I froze in place, as though my insides had turned to solid ice.

Blake returned, and frowned. “Are you okay?”

I could only shake my head.

“You don’t like carnivals?”

“No, I … I don’t know. I’ve never really gone to one. It looks amazing. Too amazing. That’s why I can’t. I can’t do this. Not tonight. How can I enjoy all of this, be here enjoying all of this? It’s not right.”

Blake put his hands on my shoulders. They moved me gently toward him, the solace of his embrace so close and tempting. I stayed frozen, refusing him. I didn’t deserve comfort.

“It was Julie’s funeral today.” Admitting it aloud felt like a hammer to my chest. “It was her funeral today, and I didn’t go. I was too scared, too much of a coward to be there with her family. I couldn’t even be brave enough to say goodbye to her properly. I don’t deserve to be here doing this now. Not when she’s not here anymore.”

My body tensed up, and my breathing quickened, guilt manifesting as a full-blown panic attack. Tears burned in my eyes and I pushed them back with the palms of my hands. “Shit.”

“It’s okay. I mean, I know it’s not okay, but it’s okay not to be okay.” Blake took me by the hand, and this time I let him lead me in through the entry, over to the side, out of the way of the passing crowds. “It’s not fair, what happened. But it wasn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for it. It’s okay to keep living. We can go in here, and have fun tonight, and we will take Julie, her memory, with us, okay?”

I put my hands over my chest, taking steadying, slow breaths. The Ferris wheel turned slowly in the distance, the seats swinging together as lights created rainbows of color around the circular frame. I could imagine Julie’s big brown eyes staring up at it, her cute-yet-stoic expression showing the smallest smirk of joy. I could see her perfectly in my mind. Julie was still with me, just as my mom was still with me. That was where they existed now—in the love and memories of the people still here, still alive. And against all odds, I was still alive.

I already knew I needed to keep living as long as I could. It was harder, with the loss of Julie weighing on me, but Blake had just given me the reminder I needed. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I’m not sure this is quite the angst-free evening you planned.”

Blake shrugged. “Angst can come along too. You can’t shut off your grief any more than you can shut yourself off from fun. Kind of sums up life, right?”

I nodded, a half-smile forming. Blake took my hand, and we ventured into the carnival.

Our tickets came with wristbands that gave us access to all the rides. We rode the tilt-a-whirl twice. The dizzy, spinning swirl of it seemed to throw the weight of emotions free from my mind, and I would have ridden it all night, but Blake dragged me off to other rides, trying one after another. While I queued for the bumper cars, he left me for a moment to go and talk to a family having birthday cake. Maybe he knew them. The line started moving again and he hurried back just in time. I actually laughed when Blake barely squeezed into one of the little cars but couldn’t fit in enough to press the pedals and just spun in circles at the side of the track.

Contentment filled me as we climbed onto the Ferris wheel. It spun us high into the sky and stopped when we were at the highest point. As the cars swung softly over the scene below, Blake put something into my hand—a half-used birthday candle.

“Hold still,” he said, and flicked on the lighter he held, lighting up the candle. The tiny flame swayed in the gentle breeze, but stayed alight. “For Julie.”

A tear splashed from my eye, onto my lap. I cradled the candle as though holding Julie’s soul there in that precious little light. “For Julie.”

I’m sorry I didn’t come and say goodbye today. I’m sorry we didn’t have time to become the great friends we could have been. I’m sorry you died.

The Ferris wheel started up again, and I held the candle close to me. “Goodbye, for now,” I whispered, and blew the candle out.

Mom, take care of Julie for me.

We rode the wheel down, and I watched the ground rising up toward us. The operator was sending people away, saying there’d be no more rides tonight, and sadness crept over me. It was getting late, and soon all the lights would go out and this night would end. And one last night was all I’d allowed myself with Blake.

We meandered through the sideshow, and Blake pulled me over to a game where enormous teddy bears, and stuffed multi-hued unicorns, and purple dolphins hung around a wall of balloons. A range of smaller prizes, tiny, cheap plastic things, were piled in trays below. “I think you need one of those.”

“A badly rigged game?”

“No, a unicorn.”

I laughed. “No way you can win that. I’m pretty sure they’re just for decoration. No one ever wins those.”

“Challenge accepted.” Blake went to the guy standing behind the booth and passed over cash. It looked like a lot more money than the prices on the sign, but before I could call him out on it, he grabbed the darts and started hurling them at the little balloons tacked by their mouths to a corkboard. He actually managed to pop a few.

“We have a winner,” the guy intoned, grinning under the gaudy red and green lights. “Pick out whatever it is the lady wants, sir. Take your pick.”

Blake took the unicorn. He handed it over, and I could barely get my arms around it. The sheer size of the toy made me laugh. It was so impractical, and so adorable, it filled me with joy.

“Oh god. It’s so cute. But it’s got some kind of … evil magic! I can feel myself regressing … It’s turning me into a twelve-year-old. Oh no, I think I might squee!” I hugged it tight, mashing my face into its plush muzzle. Looking back at Blake again, I smiled and put all my heart into my words. “I love it. Thank you. For everything.”

Blake took the unicorn for me, since it dragged along the ground when I tried to carry it. Happiness made me feel light and warm and full of beautiful heartache.

Our walk back to the parking lot was slow. Neither of us seemed to want the night to end. We squeezed the unicorn into the car and it filled the entire back seat.

We didn’t get in the car ourselves right away. We just stood there, apart from each other. Blake seemed to be waiting for me. Waiting while I fought my ongoing battle of denial.

“I’ll drive you home now,” Blake said.

There it was—the end of the night. My body and mind went into a panic. It was too soon. This was our last night. I wanted it to go on as long as it could.

“Can you drive me back to your place?” I asked.

Blake took a step closer to me. “Yeah, of course. If that’s what you want.”

His face was so close to mine, dangerously close. I wanted to close my eyes, just lean into him and let him give me that long and lingering kiss that I had been thinking about ever since we’d split up.

“I loved tonight, today—all of it. It was the most amazing day I have ever had. Nothing between us is going to change. I still don’t want a relationship. I only promised you one more night. But the night isn’t over.”