The first leather strap around my ankle made me wonder what in the world I’d been thinking. This was not a good idea. I wasn’t worried it would trigger me and I’d rush back to barebacking at the bathhouse, but it did bring it all back.

The hurt over Levi.

The nights in that sling, man after man fucking me. I hadn’t felt any pleasure. It hadn’t hurt either. I’d felt nothing. Nothing at all. Just completely empty, more so each night.

Then the fear had overtaken me. The realization of what I’d done. Then the months of waiting to find out if the prophylactics had worked.

The shame.

It all washed over me again, and it had been a mistake. I needed to get out of the damn sling.

Then Gilbert spoke, catching my attention. I focused on him standing naked between my legs, holding my free foot in his hand. He was gorgeous. The muscles, the chest hair, the abs, the cock that I couldn’t see but knew was ready and waiting. He was the fantasy man to complete the fantasy of being nearly helpless in a sling.

All of that was barely noticeable, though. I didn’t even appreciate his stunning face. His warm brown eyes captured me, as did the gentleness of his voice.

He wasn’t a nameless man strapping me in. He wasn’t thirty strangers lined up to dump their load into me. He wasn’t a stranger at all.

Not even a hookup.

This was Gilbert Bryant. And I could no longer say I didn’t know him. I knew him, and he knew my darkest places. All his beauty was nothing more than ribbons on a present. Pretty but meaningless. Gilbert Bryant was between my legs. The man who held me as I cried, walked with me hand in hand, and somehow still wanted me, knowing my darkness. Actually, that wasn’t right either. He didn’t just know my darkness; he understood it.

I was safe.

All of that rushed through me as he spoke. By the time he brought up the condom, I was already transitioning from nervous to completely aroused again, and quickly becoming desperate for anything he wanted to do.

And part of my darkness? I wanted him to throw away the condom and be fully inside me. But that desire didn’t feel dark; it just felt right.

I didn’t have to consider that, though. Even if I asked him to be in me bare, I knew he wouldn’t. That was how safe I was.

So when the first pressure of his lubed fingers pushed against my entrance, I let my thoughts and memories fly away, and I gave in to the pleasure.

I didn’t need much preparation, not after him fucking me the night before. Within a minute or less, he had three or four fingers inside me, and then he was testing me with his other hand, sliding in a finger and pausing.

“That okay?”

I glanced over my body and met his eyes. They were heated but worried. I nodded.

He didn’t look away as he pushed a finger inside, then another, and another. His left brow rose. “Ready for pressure?”

“Yeah.” I was ready for anything and everything he wanted to do.

Gilbert pulled like he had our first time. Prying me open, stretching me. Though it wasn’t like it had been. There was a tentative quality to it. I missed the fire of his abandon.

He twisted his hands while stretching me. “Still okay?”

“Gilbert.”

His other brow rose, matching its brother. “Yeah?”

“I trust you, really. And I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

I nodded again. And I was. I was okay.

“All right.” He swallowed. “You want me to do this for a bit, or do you want a dildo? I can—”

I couldn’t hold back a laugh. “I want Gilbert Bryant to do this.”

His expressive brows knitted. “I am.”

“No. You’re not. Gilbert Bryant would have torn loose already, and I’d be screaming, halfway to blowing my load way too early, not feeling like I’m directing a paint by number.”

“Sorry, I just want to make sure I don’t cross a line.”

I was suddenly aware that we were having this conversation with seven or eight of his fingers pressed into my ass. My God. It seemed slings weren’t my thing. Even though it wasn’t as hot as I’d envisioned, my heart did flip-flops at the care he showed. “Come up here.”

He let out a little laugh. “What?”

“Come up here and kiss me.”

There was a pause, and then he pulled his fingers from me, and walked around toward my head. I wished the sling was positioned differently, his cock was too far down to get it into my mouth, but judging from his reaction the night before, I figured his lips needed my mouth more than his dick. “Kiss me, Gilbert.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

I allowed it to be chaste for about five seconds, then let go of one of the straps I’d been holding and gripped the back of his head as I slipped my tongue into his mouth.

He groaned, and I pushed in further.

With my other hand I reached down, trying to find his cock, but ended up smacking his thigh. Knowing what I wanted, he adjusted without breaking the kiss, and my fingers encircled his erection. I began to pump as I licked my tongue over his, over the roof of his mouth, tickled the back of his teeth. His cock twitched.

“Fuck, Walden.” There. That was the sound I needed. The growl, the desperation. The heat.

I gave his erection another pump and then a swift jerk as I let go, eliciting a quick intake of breath. I bit his lower lip, then broke the kiss. I met his eyes. “Use me, Gilbert. I need you to use my body and don’t ask me for permission for anything. I’ll let you know if I need you to stop.”

Despite the renewed fire in his eyes, there was still a hesitation.

“Use me.” I lowered my voice to a snarl. “Please. Use me.”

“Fuck. Yes.” He kissed me again, but it was rough, painful, not sweet at all. Gilbert was back. Thank God. Then he moved back to my ass. I expected fingers, but after the sound of pumping the lube bottle, he pressed the tip of a dildo to my hole, let out another growl and shoved it in.

Though I was plenty stretched out, he went deep, hitting the next ring of muscle and not giving it a chance to adjust.

“Fuck yeah!” Pain shot through me, and I arched up, the stirrups supporting my weight so my hips were nearly even with Gilbert’s face. There were no more thoughts of the past or worries of how I looked or seemed. Everything centered around physical sensation, on my body and how Gilbert chose to use it.

He didn’t stop, just pushed in deeper, causing more pain. But it was exquisite. Feeling him deep. Even if it wasn’t his cock, just knowing that he was responsible, that he was controlling what happened to my body. What happened inside my body.

“Fuck, yes, Gilbert. Use my ass. Please. Use me. Use me.”

“Hell yes, dude. I’ll use that sweet ass.” He pulled the dildo out with a swift yank, causing me to gasp in shock. He smacked my stomach, the lube making a loud pop and leaving oil over my skin.

I hadn’t even managed to lower myself back to the support straps under my hips and back when Gilbert plunged the dildo back in, just as deep as before. But this time, he started thrusting, fucking me with the silicone cock. He built a rhythm with one hand and pumped my cock with the other.

I was going to come, and I couldn’t even make my voice work to tell him to stop, that I didn’t want it to be over so quickly.

But he knew. He let go of my dick barely a second before it was too late, held the dildo still inside me, deep, but not letting it move. “Not yet. You’re not coming yet.”

“Thank fucking God!” I let my head fall back and my knees fully collapse open. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding them still.

“Yeah, that’s it. Open for me. Let me use that talented hole however I want.”

Yep. He was back. Gilbert the Sex God was back.

For who knows how long, I didn’t worry about words or even trying to sound human. I wasn’t capable of anything other than grunts, growls, screams, hisses, and assorted animal sounds that couldn’t have been attractive. But with each new utterance, Gilbert seemed to grow wilder.

He switched to the larger dildo, fucking me, then sliding his fingers alongside it, stretching as he fucked. Pumping the dildo deeper as he smacked my stomach again, then flicking my nipples, and biting my inner thigh.

Over and over again I thought I was going to come, that I wouldn’t be able to hold back my orgasm any longer, but he’d pause at the right moment, then squeeze my cock so hard coming wasn’t an option.

Through it all, Gilbert never stopped grunting, cursing, and issuing praise about how he loved using my ass. And as much as I wanted it to last forever, the edging was too much. Any more and I’d come, no matter what he did to try to stop me. But I wanted him in me when I came. I wanted him raw, but I wasn’t going to ask, even if I knew he’d keep me safe despite my wishes. “I’m gonna come, Gilbert. I’m gonna come.”

“Good. That’s my fucking hot man. I wanna see that load.” His speed on the huge dildo increased.

“No, I want you inside me. Not that.” I smacked his hand away from my cock and squeezed it. “Quick. Fuck me for real.”

He yanked the dildo out, and I heard it smack against the wall somewhere behind us, and then he plunged his dick into me.

I howled. Though he was smaller than the dildo, any human was, I was so tender from being used, that his cock set me on fire. No matter how big a dildo was, nothing felt like the real thing. And it was Gilbert inside me, not just any man. I let loose of my dick and came instantly, my come splattering over my face, chest, and stomach. “Don’t stop. Fuck me till you come.”

Gilbert didn’t reply, just shoved against my thighs with both hands and fucked me, the greased skin of his hips and his large balls slapping against me with loud smacking sounds with each pummel.

After being used and overly sensitive from having come, I wasn’t sure I could take it, even though I’d begged for him to keep fucking me.

Then he let out a scream of his own, something between a war cry and call of triumph, and his rhythm shuddered.

Satisfaction washed over me as he pumped a few more times. “Yes, Gilbert. That’s it. I want it all.”

He smacked my stomach again, making nothing more than a wet sound in the lube and come covering me, then gave a final shudder and pulled free.

Gilbert stood there, shoulders and chest heaving, his breaths coming in ragged pants. His lips curved into that knowing smile. “Good?”

I laughed, and the sound surprised me. It was happy and content. Huh, I was happy and content. Hadn’t felt that in a while. “Like you can’t tell how good it was.”

He didn’t deny it. “I fucking love your ass, man. It’s got mad skills.”

I laughed again. “I just lay here. You’re the one who did all the work.”

“And what a chore that work was.” His expression softened, changing to some emotion I couldn’t name. “You’re beautiful, Walden. So fucking beautiful.”

It took me a second to try to find a response. There was such conviction in his words, I couldn’t argue against them like I normally would.

Gilbert spoke before I figured out what to say. “Let me ditch this condom, and I’ll help you out of that thing.”

After cleaning up, we ate pizza and ice cream on the couch as we binge-watched episodes of Sense8. I fell asleep. At some point in the night, Gilbert woke me up and led me to bed, and I fell asleep again in his arms.

As the light fell across us when we woke, things had changed.

We didn’t need to say it. It hung heavy over us. As we got dressed and headed out, we barely spoke, and I wondered if I looked as sad as he seemed.

He pulled up to the spa, and I opened the door to get out. He grabbed my hand, holding me in place. I looked back at him.

“One more.” He didn’t ask permission, just pressed his lips to mine. He shuddered. Or maybe it was me. Then he broke the kiss and settled back into the driver’s seat. “Bye, Walden. I’ll see you in Lavender Shores at the wedding.”

My heart was breaking.

It couldn’t be.

Gilbert and I were little more than a hookup. We had some fun. It wasn’t love. It was friendship. Friends who’d shared their souls and some earth-shattering sex, but we were just friends. We’d decided.

My heart could not be breaking.

“Yeah. See you then.”

He gave a forced smile.

I shut the door, flipped my bag over my shoulder, then watched him drive off.

We’d decided not to exchange numbers. That had been my suggestion. I had a feeling I’d text or call in a weak moment. Say something that would ruin what we had, and I couldn’t take the risk of doing something to lose him. Even if I couldn’t have him, I wouldn’t lose him.

I’d get myself under control by the time he came back for Andrew and Joel’s wedding. I had till the end of May. That was enough time to switch my view of Gilbert Bryant from sex god to nothing more than a friend.