There’d been moments when I was ripping out the underbrush in the jungle my yard had been that I’d allowed myself to picture a scene like this. With a man who had my heart, as I prepared to give myself to him. Each time I’d had a thought like that, I’d shoved it away. I was done with love. I’d had my taste. It started sweet but turned so very bitter.

The garden was for me. I’d dreamed of living in Lavender Shores since the first time my family drove through it. When I finally got here and Regina Bryant took me on a tour of the house, it had been the yard that had made my final decision to really leap. I’d dreamed of Lavender Shores. I hadn’t dreamed of the garden. But as soon as I saw it, such a tangled and choked mess, I knew this was what I needed as much as the town itself. A refuge all my own.

Despite the moments I’d considered—maybe even longed for—someone to share it with, ultimately I crafted the space exactly how I wanted it. And though the blanket fit under the lamppost perfectly, that spot had been designed for me to escape even my house, leave whatever papers I had to grade behind, and retreat here. Read a book, take a nap, meditate, do absolutely nothing but breathe.

I hadn’t thought Gilbert would say he loved me when I’d made the decision to bring him into my sacred place. I knew he did, but I’d have bet he was weeks away from saying it. It had been enough to know that I loved him. That even though I wasn’t sure what the next day might bring, I was experiencing feelings I thought were gone forever. And some feelings that were new.

But this was right. This moment in the garden with Gilbert. Granted, there were no spoken promises of what was to come, but I felt them, whispering through the leaves, twinkling in the lights, solid in the grass under our feet, from the depth of Gilbert’s eyes.

I lay the condom and the small packet of lube on the blanket, took Gilbert’s face between my hands, and kissed him, trying to say with my body what I hadn’t even fully grasped yet with my mind. I crawled over him as we kissed, rising to my knees and moving up his body until I straddled his lap.

Gilbert slid his hands under my tank top and grazed my back, sending chills over my skin. Even through the flannel fabric of my pants and the jersey knit of his, I could feel his cock pressed against my ass. I ground my hips against him as we kissed. He groaned into my mouth, and his nails slid down my spine, making me arch again.

I broke the kiss and pulled my shirt off, desperate to have his skin next to mine.

“Fuck.” He dipped his head and flicked his tongue over my nipple as he closed one hand over the other side of my chest and squeezed. “I love how stacked you are.” He gave a little slap over my chest. I flexed in response. More an automatic reaction than anything else. He laughed darkly. “Hell yeah, my man, show off for me.” Feeling stupid, I flexed again and received another smack, then a squeeze, then another flick of his tongue.

One of his hands dropped to my crotch, squeezing my erection through the flannel. “Seems you like that, huh?” He pulled the waistband down slightly and ran his thumb over the slit of my cock. “And already wet.”

I hissed and thrust against him, feeling his dick press against my ass and his hand circle my cock. The night was cool, but it only added to the tingling sensation against my skin.

He pulled at my pants. “Get these off.”

I rose and pulled off my pajama bottoms in a swift move, the night suddenly colder, but it made my dick twitch.

Gilbert laughed again. “I love that too. Make your cock bounce for me.”

I stood there, suddenly nervous. Completely self-conscious.

His gaze left my dick and met my eyes. “Don’t go conservative on me now. I want you to show off that gorgeous body of yours.” He paused. “Hold on.” He ripped off his shirt, then repositioned so he was lying on the blanket as I stood above him. “There, straddle me right above my waist, let me look at you.”

I was a little less nervous with him shirtless. My arousal took over at the sight of his muscled naked torso in the midst of my garden, his erection straining to free itself from his pants. I did as he commanded, moving closer and then standing above him, one foot on either side of his hips.

“That’s it, bounce that fat cock for me.”

I did.

He growled and lifted his hands to run them over the back of my calves.

I bounced it again, a drip of precome landing on his cheek.

“Fuck yes.” He let go of one of my calves, reached up, and scraped the precome off with his thumb, then sucked it into his mouth. His gaze never left my dick.

Another bounce. Another groan. His hands back on my skin. His desire washed away whatever remained of my nerves or my pride or whatever had held me back. It made me ache for him. I reached down and stroked myself.

“Hell yeah, Walden, work that big dick for me. Show it off.” Gilbert’s hands never stopped moving as he watched, making me squirm from the hyper-sensation.

I gave another couple of pumps, then squeezed my cock at its base and ran my fist slowly up its length, forcing out more precome and then scooped it up with my fingers.

His gaze rose to mine. “That’s it. Taste yourself.”

Lifting my fingers to my lips, I sucked them and groaned. Maybe I groaned from the salty sweet taste or from the heat that poured from Gilbert’s gaze as he watched. Whatever it was, I was pretty sure I could shoot my load then and there if he gave the command. I sank to my knees, straddling him once more. I lowered my wet fingers to my cock, gathered more precome which was flowing freely by this point, then touched them to Gilbert’s lips.

He devoured them. Wrapping his mouth around my fingers and licking across them, his gaze still firmly on mine.

With my free hand, I reached behind and slid my fingers into his pants, wrapped around his hard thickness, and pumped.

Something about the feel of him caused my brain to snap. I pulled my fingers out of his mouth, lifted just enough to yank his pants to mid-thigh, then straddled him again, lining him up against my hole, and pushed down.

The head of his dick slid in, and I sighed contentedly.

Gilbert tried to pull back, but I pushed down further onto him, feeling him stretch me.

“Walden!” He smacked my chest, hard this time.

I pulled off him, realizing what I was doing, and stood. I stared down at him, so beautiful in the light of the lamp and stars and the moon. So perfect. This perfect, perfect moment, in this perfect place, and I’d completely ruined it.

“I’m… I’m sorry.” I tried to choke out more, but couldn’t. Gilbert was struggling to his feet, and I turned to rush back inside. Completely humiliated. I made it about a foot before he grabbed me. I couldn’t even run away properly. “No, I’m sorry, Gilbert. Let me go.”

His grip was firm, and he pulled me to him. I struggled, but he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m sorry, Gilbert. I’m sorry.”

He brought his lips to my ear, whispering like I needed soothing. “It’s okay, baby. We just got caught up in the moment. It’s all good. Nothing happened. We stopped it.”

I pulled back slightly, trying to see his face. “You stopped it. I was the one…. I just wanted….”

“I know. I want it too. I want to be inside you. Really inside you. No barriers. Just you and me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop it.” Gilbert cupped my cheek, meeting my gaze. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“What you must think of me. After everything.” Fresh shame poured over me, and I couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “I swear this wasn’t like before. I wasn’t picturing it like the bathhouse. I wasn’t trying to—”

He kissed me. Hard, demanding. More to shut me up than anything, probably. After a second, it grew softer, more tender, and I sank into it. Finally he broke the kiss and waited for me to look at him. “I know that. This is nothing like that. And this is nothing like anything I’ve ever done before. I want to be inside of you because I love you. I want to release in you, know that our bodies are one during that time. This, right now, isn’t just sex, isn’t just fucking.” His eyes narrowed, and he looked suddenly embarrassed. “I, ah… I’ve never told any man I loved them before. Ever.”

I was swept away by the implication of that, but only for a matter of moments before the shame returned. “And then I do this. Like a complete whore.”

He laughed, and his smile returned. “Well, that’s one thing we have in common, huh? We’ve both been slutty whores from time to time. Maybe more often for me.” He bit his lip. “Actually, we can do the bareback thing in about a month.”

I flinched.

“I haven’t slept with anyone since we were together at my place in March. I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else after you.”

I studied his eyes, my embarrassment forgotten for the moment. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Gilbert nodded. “I guess I was in love with you even then. I just didn’t really know it.” He smiled. “And what you did there? It’s just natural. You want to be joined with your man. We will be. In just a few more weeks.”

And way too many emotions wash over me then. As slowly as this thing between us built, the last few hours had been a whirlwind, and it was too much to fully take in. Too much, but oh, so, so wonderful.

“You okay?”

I wasn’t sure, but I nodded.

“Good.” Another grin, almost shy this time. “I got carried away with how fucking hot you are a while ago. The original plan was to make love to you. Mind if I get back to that now?”

Now that, I was sure about. I nodded again.

He kissed me. “Lie down.”

As I lay down, Gilbert gathered up the condom and lube. After he positioned himself between my legs, he opened the package and then slid the condom over his erection. He hadn’t softened at all during that time. I had, but at the sight of him, I grew rock-hard once more. The lamp was behind my head, so every inch of him was illumined. He nearly glowed against the darkness of the night. As he crawled over me, his long bangs hanging down, he was awash in amber, the muscles of his shoulders bunching as he moved, his abs flexing as he readied himself.

I lifted my legs, giving him access as he stroked lube over his cock, then lined himself up, and met my eyes. “You never need to be ashamed with me. Ever.” And he pushed inside.

I gasped in pleasure as he filled me. I struggled to breathe for a moment, overwhelmed by the feel of him and from his complete acceptance.

Then he was over me, kissing me, the hair of his chest and stomach stroking over my skin as he began to move. I wrapped my arms around his back, crushing him to me. Needing to have him as close as possible.

Gilbert’s tongue made love to my mouth as he thrust in a steady rhythm. He took his time, giving long, languid strokes. Nearly pulling out, then pushing deep. Though the desire to feel him inside without a barrier, feel his seed empty into me, was still there, I let his assurances ease the guilt. He was right; it was a normal desire, to be fully connected to the man I loved. Not allowing myself to be used or put my life and health at risk, but open up fully to one man. To share my soul and my body.

My spirits soared as he moved, thinking of him saving himself for me over these past many weeks. Letting that revelation offer assurance that this wasn’t based on emotions in the heat of the moment, but on real longing, a real bond.

“I’m close, babe.” He arched his back making room, but not breaking our connection. “Come for me.”

I reached between us, wrapped my fingers around my cock and began to pump. He returned to kissing me, and the speed of his thrusts increased as he slid in deeper with each pivot, his cock stroking my prostate.

I came with just a few strokes, crying out into his mouth as my come spilled over my stomach and fingers. A few more thrusts of his hips, and Gilbert came as well, letting out one strangled cry that was probably loud enough for my closest neighbors to hear.

Staying inside me, he lowered his body against mine once more, supporting his weight on his elbows as he stared down at me. “I love you, Walden.”

My eyes stung with nearly overwhelming emotion. I’d truly never thought I’d feel this again. “I love you too.”

Falling asleep, waking up, making love again, showering, cooking breakfast. Every step was commonplace. Well, not the morning sex session, but the rest. All of it perfectly normal and easy and nearly boring. And more wonderful that I could imagine.

Gilbert was getting dressed and I was going to drive him back to his parents’ house. He needed to return to Lake Tahoe to finish up another project but was going to return the following weekend. Part of me had wondered if things would change in the light of day. They hadn’t.

I checked my email and Facebook as he got dressed.

My heart shuddered to a stop at the first message I came to. I read it twice. Then a third time. Shock gave way to anger and then faded to confusion.

“What is it?” Gilbert paused in the hallway, dressed except for his shoes, which were by the door.

“Nothing.” I stuffed my phone into my pocket. No, I couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t. No lies. Ever. No matter how uncomfortable. I met his gaze and tried to make my tone as nonchalant as I could. “I just got a message from Levi. Uhm, he’s… in town and wants to talk.”

Gilbert froze. I could see the thoughts flying behind his eyes. “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He took a couple of breaths. “I’m not really sure what to say here.”

A half-crazed laugh broke forth. “That makes two of us.”

He swallowed, glanced around the room, then settled on me again. “Do you want to meet him?”

“No.” I shook my head. No, I didn’t. Not at all. The thought made me ill. “But I think I need to.”

There was a long pause before he nodded. “Thought you’d say that.”

This time I couldn’t see the thoughts behind his eyes. Those old walls shot up like they were retractable blinds. I rushed toward him. “Hey.”

He shook his head.

I grabbed him and waited until his shadowy eyes met mine, just like he’d waited for me the night before. “It’s okay, Gilbert. I’ll meet with him, get closure or some horribleness, and then it’s done. For good.”

The walls didn’t come down. “I’ll understand, Walden. You already told me Levi was the love of your life. And now… he’s back.” He muttered something, and even though he was so close, I didn’t catch what it was.

The phrase sounded so strange next to Levi’s name. How odd. That was exactly how I’d thought of him. For years. And now… it just felt… wrong. And not real. I couldn’t hold back a smile. “No. That’s not true. Not anymore.”

“You don’t have to—”

I cut him off. “I want you. Period. I want you, Gilbert. I love you.”

He studied me, and I thought there was a softening in his gaze. “Are you sure?”

“More sure than anything in my life.” I rushed ahead before he could argue. “If you’re not comfortable with me meeting him, I won’t. Not even a question.”

He scrunched up his nose. “No. That’s not how this will work. We both make our decisions without demands.”

“That’s not what I meant. You wouldn’t be demanding anything. We make decisions that are good for us individually and together.”

Gilbert looked uncomfortable. Maybe that had been too much, “for the rest of our lives” kind of too much. He nodded resolutely. “No. You said it yourself. Closure. You should meet him.”