I’d been so desperate to move to Lavender Shores, I honestly thought once I arrived I’d never leave. Sure, the obligatory occasional trip back to Louisiana to visit family, but other than that, where else would I need to go? I lived in my dream town. Every day was a vacation.

Right. Not so much.

Lavender Shores was everything I hoped it would be, and more really. But life had become real. It might be paradise, but there were still bills to pay, a house to clean, groceries to buy and turn into meals, just like anywhere else. And just like anywhere else, the months between Christmas vacation and spring break were hell on teachers and students. By the time the two weeks of state standardized testing had come and gone, I was completely frazzled. Point Reyes National Seashore outside the classroom window did nothing more than taunt with its forested beauty leading down to the sea. Forest or not, biodiversity to explore or not, I had to get the hell out of town. It didn’t matter that I had three nights scheduled with friends at the ski resort for the end of the week; I needed out and fast.

The steamy sulfur water of the hot springs had been the answer. Less than an hour in the bubbly depths and I almost felt human again. Children’s laughter wafted over from the large pool, making me grumble inwardly. Shaking my head, I adjusted my position, turning away and folding my arms over the edge of the concrete enclosure. I had five more nights before having to return to work. And two of them were by myself. By the time my friends arrived, I’d be Walden Thompson again, or at least close enough. And by Monday, maybe not teacher of the year, but I’d at least be less frazzled enough to make it to the end of May.

I let out a long sigh and pushed the sounds of people away. I had the small hot springs pool to myself at the moment. In front of me, the snowcapped mountains were purple and white in dying daylight. I’d traded one forest scene for another, and while I preferred what Lavender Shores offered, this was exactly what I needed. Hot water, gorgeous nature, and two nights completely alone. Just me and a book. A wild man for sure.

I sighed again, this time dragging it out, making sure I truly accepted the luxury of it all. Another glance around at the beauty, carefully avoiding looking at the children in the large pool, then I settled back down and retrieved my Kindle from the towel I’d wrapped it in.

In all honesty, I wasn’t sure I was ready for the book I planned to read. My favorite kind of story was urban fantasy, however passé werewolves and vampires might be. I wasn’t sure I could enjoy a romance novel. But I’d met Lamont Price the night of the engagement party. He’d gone out of his way to be kind to me; I’m sure I’d looked a complete wreck after Gilbert had rushed away. Lamont had distracted me with stories of the town and his family, and he’d made me feel a little less like a pariah. At any other time, I would’ve been captivated by his good looks, but Gilbert had been the only thing I could think of at the time. When Lamont confessed that he wrote romance novels, I’d thought he was joking. The man was about as handsome and butch as you got, even if he was soft-spoken. I never would’ve guessed he wrote romance novels. I felt like I owed it to him to at least try one of his books and leave a review on Amazon.

But a romance? Like I hadn’t been fixated enough since that damned engagement party. I was doing a better job of not thinking about it, but the look on Gilbert’s face right before he left was never too far away. Like I’d done something to disgust him, or something wrong. No, that wasn’t quite it. More like he’d discovered I was disgusting and wrong. In the flash of a moment, it was so easy to see he regretted every second of our brief time together. And that was without him even knowing anything about me. How much worse would his expression be then?

Shit. Here I was in luxury, thinking about stupid Gilbert Bryant. I could do that at home. I was paying way too much a night to be miserable. Maybe I needed to go to therapy again. It shouldn’t be so hard to get a man I’d spent a matter of hours with out of my head.

I glanced around again, reminding myself where I was and how good I had it, then brought the Kindle to life with a swipe of my thumb. I’d downloaded one of Lamont’s books before I left home, so it was sitting there waiting for me. It couldn’t be that bad. I’d chosen the one fantasy title he’d written. Plus it was a straight romance. Even if the entire thing was sex, at least I wouldn’t be picturing Gilbert and me. Hell, I’d never had sex with a woman, so reading about it would be nearly as realistic to me as the vampire books I loved so much.

Less than a page in, and fuck. The thing started off with a bang. A literal bang. As in, she was a solitary female in a pack of werewolves. Werewolves who liked to gangbang it seemed. And while the heroine was definitely enjoying herself to the fullest, there were nearly constant details of the male wolves touching each other as they fucked her. The alpha commanding one of his subordinates to press against the base of his shaft as he fucked the female. How an erection grazed another man’s ass as they waited their turn. Explicit aspects of muscular shoulders, chest hair, thick thighs, and low-hanging balls.

I suddenly realized I was hard as a rock. I spared a glance behind me. At least the kids were still in the other pool and I was under the water and hidden beneath my swim trunks, but still. Not exactly what I was expecting. Hell, not at all what I was expecting. I’d envisioned a sweet, nearly chaste story of longing and fairy tales. Not erotica. I never would’ve guessed from how gentle and quiet Lamont seemed. And, did the women who read his books really think he was a straight guy? It was like he wasn’t even trying. Gorgeous woman on the cover or not, this was obviously nearly as gay as I was. Maybe it got a little subtler later on.

A shrill shriek of laughter cut through the pleasant ease of the space, and I clicked off the book. Nope. Not reading that in the sight of children. Not gonna happen. I clicked back to one of my Women of the Otherworld series. They were my favorite. I’d just reread one of them. The one about the ghost, I thought. Maybe it’d help all the shit on my mind disappear.

After a while, I took a break from the heat for a couple of chapters as I drank a beer, but reclaimed my spot in the pool to read some more. By the time five chapters passed, night had fallen. I looked up, surprised, I hadn’t even noticed the passage of time. A quick glance around revealed the kids were gone and more adults had arrived. The 1862 hot springs was beautiful during the day, but it was nearly otherworldly at night. Each of the pools glowed softly, steam rising to the stars overhead. Maybe because I was reading about ghosts and witches, but the entire place seemed magical. Yes, this was why I’d come. To escape. To be surrounded by beauty. To lose myself to comfort and books and let my brain turn off. My brain and whatever the hell was wrong with my heart.

And something was wrong with my heart. As I scanned the small crowd, a man in one of the far pools caught my attention. It was Gilbert, and he was looking right at me.

A large man passed between us, and in that instant, he looked away.

It wasn’t Gilbert. Just a trick of steam and the blur of my sight without glasses. A trick of my heart and brain; those two fucked-up fellows.

Relief washed over me, quickly followed by disappointment. The emotion made me despise myself. Why should I be disappointed? Did I really want a man who was obviously disgusted by me to show up and ruin the peace I was finally slipping into?

I realized I was staring at the lookalike. Turning away, I refocused on the book. But no matter which alternate universe the ghostly Eve went to next, I couldn’t follow her. My attention was fully focused on the man, the wannabe Gilbert. Even without looking over, I could feel his eyes on me, nearly as if his fingers were tracing over my body. And I got hard again. Instantly and achingly hard.

I was fucking losing my mind. The man wasn’t Gilbert. Like he was following me on my vacation. And whoever it was, he wasn’t looking at me or lusting after me. I was making it all up, and my body was betraying what it really needed. Rest. I needed rest. Not fantasies of a man I couldn’t have. Not even the fantasy of a man I could have. I needed to be on my own. And celibate. Celibacy had been working. It really had. Until fucking around with Gilbert.

Damn it.

I backtracked to chapter six again and started reading, doing my best to focus this time. Even so, my stupid erection refused to fade.

“Mind if I join?”

The voice at my shoulder caused me to flinch, splashing a few drops of water on the Kindle screen. I looked over and met the Speedo-clad bulge right at eye level. Despite myself, I took longer than I should’ve to peel my gaze away from the outline of the head of his penis through the white material. Finally I looked up, knowing it had taken me too long to play it off as anything other than what it was.

The man smiled from his squatted position. Dark, wet strands of hair fell partially over his eyes. “Sorry to startle you.” His crooked smile negated his words. “You mind if I join you in your pool? You make it look… good.”

It was the guy from across the way. Obviously. Seeing him up close helped me feel a little less crazy. Even with him being near enough for me to not need glasses, he was similar to Gilbert. Not as beautiful, but pretty enough to pass for him at a glance.

Again that shot of disappointment.

Okay, maybe I wasn’t seeing things, but there was still something definitely wrong with me. “No, of course I don’t mind. I’m having a hard time focusing on my book anyway. Company would be nice.”

His smile grew, making him more handsome.

Company would be nice? What the hell was wrong with me? I might as well have said, Sure, I totally want you to fuck me.

Clearly that was where the man’s intentions lay. And that was fine with me. I hadn’t been with anyone in the nearly three months since Gilbert. And while I’d promised myself there would be no more random hookups, even if I had slipped with Gilbert, maybe this would be exactly what I needed. Fuck away whatever residual feelings I’d been carrying for Gilbert. Probably not a great idea to do it with a lookalike, but whatever. He was here. And judging from the guilt that sliced through me—guilt at having sex with someone other than Gilbert instead of guilt around breaking my hookup rule—it confirmed it was exactly what I should do. I needed to cut that shit out. I’d get this out of my system and then return to celibacy once more. Celibacy without jacking off to thoughts of Gilbert.

“You sure you’re okay with me joining? You look a little worried.” The man had one leg already in the pool, his other still propped on the concrete. His bulge still on full display. And maybe it was my imagination, but I could swear, it was a little more plumped up than it had been a moment before.

And there went my dick again. “Uhm, no. Err… feel free to get in.” I turned away from his dick—I mean, from the man—and used my towel to wipe off my Kindle, then wrapped it up. I spared the length of a breath to consider. I needed to make up my mind before I turned around. Was I really going to do this? Really going to break my vow to get over breaking my vow the first time?

Yes. Yes, I was.

Turning, I sank low in the water so I was sitting on the seat that ran the circumference of the small pool.

The man had already taken a similar position, and he held out his hand. “I’m Johnson. Nice to meet you.”

I nearly laughed. Johnson. The guy with his dick on display was named Johnson. And wasn’t that a last name anyway? He’d probably just made it up on the spot. Like I cared. I shook his hand, which was strong and firm. “Walden. Nice to meet you.”

His eyes narrowed, probably thinking I’d just made up a name as well. If so, it seemed he didn’t care either. “You staying at the spa tonight?”

“Yeah. I have two nights here. Then I’m meeting some friends at the Heavenly Mountain Resort to ski.”

“Cool.” His grin grew more heated. “I’m driving down from Idaho, taking a little trip to San Fran. Thought I’d have some fun in the Castro for a few days, but I’d heard there was some fun to be had here, if luck is on your side.” His knee grazed mine under the water. “Looks like it is.”

The man was direct. Always a weakness of mine. Probably because I was so bad at it myself. “Yeah. It sure looks that way.”

This time his knee touched mine and pressed against it. “So what brings you to the spa, Walden? Were you looking for a good time tonight, or am I just something special?”

Thankfully, I’d had years of practicing my poker face, otherwise, I’d probably show a look similar to the one Gilbert had given the night of the engagement party. While I wasn’t good at being direct myself, I hated having obligatory small talk before a hookup, especially when the small talk seemed designed to elicit compliments. That had been one of the hottest parts of Gilbert. He’d cut through all that shit. Saw what he wanted and taken it.

And what did it say about me that I preferred a man who saw me and used me to a guy who at least feigned interest?

Whatever. Beggars couldn’t be choosers. I could play this game for a bit. “Just getting away from it all for a couple of days. Wasn’t planning on anything other than soaking and reading. But if—” Yeah, I could play this game. “—something special comes along, might as well change plans.”

His hand joined his knee, instantly beginning a slow rise up my thigh. My cock responded in full force. It didn’t care about what games I needed to play or how many false compliments I needed to give.

“Well, I’m glad I chose tonight to stop by.” His hand made it over the leg of my swimsuit, and the back of his finger traced my bulge. His gaze flicked down, then back up. “And it seems like you’re glad I did too.”

Play the game. Play the damn game. “Yeah, I am. I wasn’t expecting someone like you to be here. For sure a lucky night.”

Johnson pressed the back of his fingers against my erection. “Feels like it for sure.” Still pressing against me, he moved closer, his thigh flush with mine. He leaned closer, a strand of wet hair brushing my ear, his voice low and pitched to an obviously forced sexy rumble. “So, what are you into? Tell me what you’d like to do to me.”

I glanced around, suddenly aware we were surrounded by people in all the other pools. Some were coupled off, to be sure, though I doubted any were gay, and I doubted any of them were already into foreplay. And, God, this was my least favorite form of foreplay. I hated the talking about it, the planning it out. I knew that was supposed to be sexy or something, but it just felt stupid.

His tongue scraped my ear. “How do you wanna use my body, Walden?”

I couldn’t do this. Not only because I didn’t want to erase Gilbert’s memory with someone so inept. Something about the guy made me feel gross. Not dirty and hot in the way Gilbert had, but in a pitiable cliché way. A desperate way.

And what the hell was wrong with me that I was going to turn down a sure thing with a fairly hot guy. Was it really because of how he made me feel, or was it because he wasn’t Gilbert?

The thought was enough to make me change my resolve. It didn’t matter how this guy made me feel or how much I hated this part of a hookup. The result would be the same. Or at least good enough. I was, however, going to speed it along, skip the fucking planning stages and get the show on the road. Hell, if the fucking wasn’t much better than this part, then I could be back here in half an hour and maybe finally focus on my book. Gilbert erased from my mind.

Right, because this guy was going to be able to do that.

Whatever, worth a try.

As I turned to look at him, I couldn’t stop myself from wiping the trail his tongue had made off my ear. “How about we go back to my… your room and find out?”

If he picked up on any of my reservations, Johnson didn’t show it. He gave my erection a full squeeze. “That sounds perfect. When we’re there, you can use my body however you—”

A shadow fell over us, and Johnson turned to see what it was.

I did as well. The silhouette of a muscled male body stood at the edge of the pool. “Walden Thompson. Imagine meeting you here.”

Gilbert’s voice poured ice into the hot pool. My brain fried, along with my ability to speak.

“The pools are lit. You might want to let go of Walden’s dick.”

Johnson released his grip but surprised me with more balls than I’d have predicted. “Sounds like you two know each other. Care to join us? I always like being smashed between two hot men.”

Gilbert stepped into the pool, the light adjusting so his gorgeous features were clear. His wet muscles glistened with each movement. I could practically feel Johnson shudder beside me at the sight of Gilbert’s abs sinking below the waterline. Not that I could blame him.

Johnson scooted away. “Wow. You are gorgeous.” He rose and took a step toward Gilbert, who inspected him.

I nearly laughed. I was going to get traded. The man I was going to force myself to hook up with was going to take home Gilbert instead.

Hello, mindfuck.

Johnson was mere inches away when Gilbert spoke. “Unfortunately it’s just going to be Walden and me this evening.”

And more brain frying. And possibly a heart attack or two. It was going to be just the two of us. As in the… two of us. As in….

Holy shit.

Though Johnson paused, he reached out, like he was going to touch Gilbert’s crotch under the water. “You sure about that? I can make it worth your while. I’ll let you—”

“You can leave now, actually.” Gilbert sidestepped him and took a seat by me. Even though Johnson stood above, Gilbert spoke like he was a king and Johnson groveled at his feet. “Have a good night.”

Johnson muttered something, but I didn’t bother hearing or noticing more than a splash of water as he got out of the pool. I turned to Gilbert in shock. That he was there. That he had insinuated we were going to be together that evening. That he’d just stepped in, taken charge, and sent my hookup away as if he had every right to do so.

I should be furious. Should tell him to fuck off. That he didn’t get to treat me like slime one minute, then swoop in and do… whatever it was he was doing.

I should walk away.

I knew I wouldn’t. But I also knew I should.