CHAPTER TWELVE
KP
From the time I was a kid, my destiny was set in stone, but now, everything had shifted.
I knew from the moment I saw Caitlyn that something was different, and it scared the total fuck out of me. Now, I never want it to go back to how it once was.
Which was funny, because I was pretty much the biggest cynic in existence. Love. Marriage. Happy ever after. Pathetic garbage. Ass pimples. Toxic waste. They all equaled the same thing.
Never in my entire life had I felt what I did with Caitlyn that night. The whole day, actually. From the moment I stepped onto her porch, it had been beyond my expectations in every way. I had to admit that I was proud of who I allowed myself to be that day.
I couldn’t believe that I’d braved family day without a flare-up, which was unheard of. I even enjoyed myself, and I think Wenton did too. We usually just bore out the tedium until it was time to successfully retreat to his cottage without being noticed by anyone who knew us or our parents. Those family days were usually rife with people trying to get our money lodged into this program or that. Most were for worthy causes — Lord knew the mentally ill needed awareness and support — but many people took advantage of those who found themselves facing misfortune. Those motherfuckers made me crazy.
Then Caitlyn’s dear grandma died, and there I was. The man who reportedly had no feelings was dealing with that kind of emotional aftershock. At first, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle the tidal wave of grief that swept Caitlyn under. Surprisingly, I did. In fact, I was compelled to be a part of it as her champion and protector. I wasn’t afraid of her overwhelming feelings. I understood them, and just wanted to help her ride through. She was so raw, so honest, so incredibly real.
She wasn’t a woman who wanted handbags and shoes, she didn’t need me to show my love by fawning over her or casting her in a movie. She just needed love when her life fell apart. She only wanted me to hold her when she faced being alone.
And there she was, clothed only in a towel, trying so hard to reach outside of her comfort zone for me and my needs, which were well known. How many women had been in that exact same position? Under my body, positioned on my cock, ready for the ride of a lifetime. I never would have hesitated to take the deep plunge and fuck until dawn. Caitlyn was settled right where I needed her, and I was aimed right at her, ready to shoot. And I stopped. We had been grinding and dry humping like horny teens at a summer camp, and it didn’t feel real enough, at least not real enough for her.
I wanted her there with me… mind, body and soul. I wanted above anything in the world to make love to her and to throw off the armor I’d been wearing all of my life and expose the raw, ugly skin underneath. The skin that felt hated by his parents, coveted by strangers, and resentful of his role as caregiver to a brother who should have just been his friend, not his responsibility. I wanted to bare the eviscerated heart that had let people smash it to bits for their own greed and desires. And finally, I hoped to find a warm place to call home. A place that understood all the things that made a prince ugly enough to slay.
And there she was, nestled under me. Vulnerable, awkward, and perfect.
We’d already made love, but I wanted her again. From the look in her eyes, she wanted me too.
Kissing her deeply, I let my lips tell her what she meant to me, not trusting my stupid mouth to articulate what I felt. I slowly pulled the sheets from her body and planted kisses down her neck and chest. Her skin was perfect, with lovely soft edges. I was used to stick figures with ripped muscles and no body fat. But Caitlyn had curves, softly rounded curves with warm, pillowy places. She was so delicious, I wanted to dive into her, but every time I thought to ravage her, I caught a glimpse of her eyes and met my muse.
I kissed her hip bone, and she flinched before bursting into laughter. Looking up her body, I lifted a brow. Laughter wasn’t something I was used to in the bedroom.
“Sorry. Your scruff is very tickly.”
She brought out the child in me, the carefree spirit that just wanted to run free and play. “Tickly, huh?” I tickled her again, this time between the thighs. She writhed with a hand over her mouth.
Then she was writhing for a different reason as my tongue found her center, stroking up her wet folds to circle her clit. Damn. I loved everything about her. The noises she made. Her scent. Her taste.
And then, to my great surprise and thrill, she took over, pulling away and pushing me down onto the bed until she straddled my waist. She was already reaching for me, holding my cock up to align with her sweet pussy when I had to stop her. Hell, we were barely able to handle our own lives, let alone the life of a child.
When I found another condom, she took control again, ripping the package open with her teeth. She plucked out the latex ring while stroking me with her soft hand, then bent down and kissed the dripping head. God, what an incredible thing — a kiss. A kiss to the part of me that wanted to tear her in two. She took tentative licks, watching me for a reaction. Hell, I reacted to every damn thing.
She grinned when she straightened and rolled the condom down my length before positioning herself on my cock. Then she was sliding down, her pussy muscles contracting, milking, as she stretched around me. Fuck. This girl was going to kill me.
When she was fully seated, I lifted my hands to grab her gorgeous tits, pulling her toward me until I could nibble. I loved the way each nipple pebbled in my mouth, the mewling sounds she made when I scraped them with my teeth.
Her face was exquisite, a mixture of pleasure and a little bit of discomfort, which unsettled me some. Before Caitlyn, that slight grimace of pain on a woman’s face would make the moment hotter, but seeing it on her face made me want to make sure she wasn’t hurt.
She wasn’t.
When she opened her eyes, desire burned inside and some kind of animal instinct took over. While I had intended to be slow, she had other ideas.
She began to pulse, grinding down on me, her fingers sinking into my chest. Our eyes connected, she drove me wild when she began to move up and down, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each movement.
On her face was complete and utter pleasure. I wanted to flip her over and take the wheel, but I let her ride as she wished. I was beginning to learn that I’d do anything for this woman. She felt amazing, so tight, so wet and so entirely the person my heart blossomed for. Every inch of this incredible woman was knitting into mine, and it was the most intoxicating feeling in the world.
I could tell that her body had reached her comfort zone because she started to ride me in earnest. Her slick pussy gripped my shaft and squeezed me exquisitely. I could do only so much to control my mounting need as my body met hers with fervent thrusts. I was aching to just pump inside of her. I let go of her waist and took her hands as she bounced up and down on my cock, which was starting to sear with overwhelming sensations.
I smoothed my hands along her back as she continued to meet my thrusts with her own. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped her by scooping her up into an embrace, panting in her ear.
“I’m going to come, love. You’re not ready yet, so give me a minute. I want you with me when we do this,” I said as I planted kisses on her sweet neck, which was glistening with a velvety sheen.
Still connected, I moved us until we were lying side by side, and draped her top leg over mine. She moaned low in her throat at the change in angle, and I thrust in deep and hard while taking her gorgeous mouth, kissing her with every feeling in my body. This had an unexpected effect on me. Each lashing of our tongues brought me closer to climax, and this time she was right there with me. Her legs closed in around me, her back arched and her face flushed red as she screamed out in a burst of sound and ecstasy. There she was… right there, like fireworks exploding all over me. I pumped hard and fast, losing control as my body took the reins.
God, it was everything. Everything in the universe was right here, right in this moment. I burst inside of her and prayed the condom would hold as I twitched and shuddered within her.
She kissed my sweat soaked face and kept her body wrapped around mine. Usually, when I was finished, I would pull out to see my guy still standing strong. But with Caitlyn, I wanted to stay in her for a moment longer. I didn’t want to lose the connection, so I remained inside of her as we regained our breath.
“Caitlyn, you are amazing, beyond the word.” I kissed her forehead. “Thank you, love.”
She smiled softly, her hand in mine.
“Wow,” she breathed, her breath warm on my face.
We showered again, soaping and exploring our nakedness together as we got ready to sleep. It had been such a long day, and both of us were fighting to stay awake. When we crawled into bed, she curled into me. I laughed at myself for worrying about what to wear in bed with her. Wearing nothing was working out great for us. Despite the horrible circumstances, tonight, in its own weird and awkward way, was perfect.
I drifted off to sleep easily, and she felt perfect in my arms. Sometime during the early morning hours, she bolted upright and screamed. Tears burst from her eyes, and she started heaving with heavy cries as she thrashed about.
Grief. It was a despicable monster. I gathered her up into my arms, holding and soothing her while she cried. “It’s okay, love. I know, it hurts.”
“She’s gone, I can’t believe she’s gone.” She was half asleep and struggling against the emotions attacking her.
“I know, sweetheart. I’m here. I’m right here. You’re okay.”
She remained trapped between a nightmare and reality. “I want to see her. I don’t want to live without her.”
Night was always the hardest. I remember how lonely nights were at the boarding school, especially on remote holidays like Martin Luther King Day, when no one came to get me. I would be lying in my bed, one of the only kids left on campus, and I would just bolt up at night in tears, just like Caitlyn had done in my arms.
“I know, sweetheart. You’re okay. We’ll get through this,” I said softly in her ear.
Maybe it was fatigue or my soothing, but she was able to nestle closer to me and fall back to sleep. Just before drifting off, she quietly mumbled. “We’ll get through this.” It became a mantra as she fell asleep in my embrace.
I couldn’t say the next few days weren’t excruciatingly hard. I canceled all my meetings, citing a family emergency, and stayed by Caitlyn’s side while she waded through the horrors of life. She handled it like a trouper. Only I knew the plague that taunted her in her sleep. We made love every night and every morning, and I made sure she knew I was her sanctuary. We came to understand each other’s bodies and explored our wants and desires, and yet the cloud of death hung around us. It wasn’t just her grandmother’s passing that haunted our subconscious minds.
I didn’t tell Caitlyn, but Wenton’s doctor had actually given me a ballpark time frame, defining his end. Six months…at the most. Every time Caitlyn cried out in grief I dreaded the moment I would do the same.
In any crisis I’d lived through in the past, I used sex to escape. I fucked hard, fast, and furious to erase any feeling that might derail my ability to remain numb and unaffected. With Caitlyn, I was learning to use my body for love and my mind for sifting through feelings I never had the courage to face.
Tammy and Jamal, and Ricky and his husband had become frequent nightly visitors. A whole new level of anxiety to face — friends. I only had a few for a reason. Caitlyn had many, and the stories the crew told very clearly painted her active social life. We were both making concessions for each other. She had to give me a wide berth to get used to things, and I had to be open to the idea of getting used to them. I couldn’t afford many friends. While I had populations of peripheral people who thought they knew me, I only had a small number of friends. People always wanted too much from me. She understood that and never pressed me to introduce her to my friends or go out socially.
After a week, I had to return to New York. I had enormous amounts of work to do, and Caitlyn was ready to soldier up and let me go on about my life. We had, in the grand scheme of things, only known each other for a month, a ridiculously short amount of time. I had to try and see things her way. She had a life before me and would most likely have a life after me. While she had once thought I considered all women disposable, she didn’t know, and I may not have impressed it upon her well enough to understand, that she had changed my DNA. My whole existence had shifted, because of her. So no, I wasn’t going to New York and forget her. In fact, it would be just as hard for me to leave her as it would be for her to let me go.
Luckily for us, the day I was set to return to New York, she received word that she’d been accepted into Parsons: Fashion, Art, and Design School. In New York! When I learned of her news, I probably was happier than she was. I was actually explosively happy. I may have even frightened her.
“I can help you sell the house, and we can get you a wonderful apartment in Manhattan. I have a great realtor. I’ll pay for everything so don’t worry about the cost. Or, I’d love to have you live with me…” Shit, I needed to backpedal. “Unless that’s too early. Is that weird?” I was electrified with excitement.
And then the Prince Slayer shut me down.
“I’m not ready to sell Gran’s house. Her spirit is here and all of my memories, so I’ll probably move into the dorm during the week and commute back here on the weekends.” The little minx smiled a big broad smile because she knew that refusing me really monumentally pissed me off.
“No! I won’t have you living in a dorm.”
She frowned. “It’s college, I have to experience dorm life. You know… meet people, drink cheap wine, barf in the halls.” She sure was ballsy playing that game with me.
The very idea of her barfing in the halls with anyone made me want to rip their throats out. She was perfection, and I wouldn’t allow her to waltz into a place where men, and probably women, would have a chance to woo her. She would inevitably find some free-spirited I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-money-so-let’s-go-paint-ourselves-green person who would whisk her away from me.
Wow. Hello unreasonable jealousy. Okay, I had to be cool. I had to let her go and reel her in, I told myself. Agree, KP, just agree.
“Okay.” It fell like a ton of bricks at her feet. That one single word was said with such bitterness, how could she not hear the anger in it?
She gave me the side eye. I deserved it.
“I can always visit you.”
She was torture.
“Are you serious, you’ll visit? Caitlyn, you need to get your realness on because I’m about to…” I cleared my throat. “I’ve been trying really hard to…” Oh, choke it out, man.
She reached across the table and touched my hand. “I’d love to spend the weekends with you when you’re free, but if you’re with a bunch of women, then… you have to understand, I just can’t. We’ve been living a dream these last few days, and I thank you so much. Thank you for letting me love you and be loved by you. It was… um, is so amazing. But I can’t watch you be with other people. It’ll crush me. It’s best I just stay away, it’s going to be too hard for me.”
Well, I asked for honesty… damn.
We were sitting at her kitchen table. My bags were packed, and I’d called Robert to come pick me up, so I knew I only had a couple of hours left with Caitlyn. How could she think that I would rush back to Manhattan and start screwing everyone on the planet?
“Remember, I’m practicing celibacy,” I calmly measured my words.
She nearly spit out her coffee. After she finished coughing, she raised a brow. “How well has that been working out for you?”
We’d just made love a half hour ago, and I was almost ready to go again, but it would have been a frustration fuck, and neither of us needed that. I felt angry and agitated, probably because I was shit at dealing with my emotions. The old me would have just fucked right through them, but now, trying to be present and three-dimensional was killing me.
“Okay. Bear with me, this is hard. Not because it’s you but because it’s hard for me,” I prefaced.
“Okay.” I could tell she was worried, maybe even scared. Her eyes were like saucers.
I pressed the heel of my hand into my eye. “I’m struggling with the idea of you going off to art school. I know it’s good for you, amazing actually. Since it’s what you want, I should want that too, if I was being a good friend. But I’m a recovering control freak, and I’ve always gotten what I wanted. I’m spoiled, and I’m trying to not be like that right now.”
I reached for her hand and pressed it between both of mine. Shit. They teach trigonometry in school but nothing about having difficult conversations.
“Caitlyn… in these last few weeks, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been. I’m honestly not sure what love is, but I think I might be there. I hope I am. I want to be. And I want us to be exclusive to each other so we can figure it all out.” I licked my suddenly dry lips. “If you’ll have me.”
“You mean romantically?”
Was she trying to make me crazy?
“Yes, romantically.”
Her eyes searched my face, as if she could read the truths or lies living there. She took a deep breath. “Yes.”
I exhaled a lungful of air. “Really?”
She laughed. “How many guys do you see lining up at my door?”
What a stupid question. They weren’t at her door because she was a tongue-lashing hard-ass to any man who showed the slightest bit of interest in her sexually. Her best male friends were a gay man and his husband, which I was completely grateful for, of course. She had no clue, not even the slightest, how gorgeous, alluring, and intimidating she was.
“They aren’t here because they’re afraid you’ll chop off their man bits and feed them to your snakes,” I said as straight-faced as I could manage.
“I don’t have snakes,” she chided.
“Sometimes I wonder.” I was getting offtrack. “So, that’s it! What do you kids call it these days? Going steady? Boyfriend/girlfriend?”
She laughed, the light shining in her eyes again. “You can be my boyfriend and I’ll be your girlfriend. Sound good?”
I kissed her fingers. “I’ve never had that before, so yeah, it sounds great. What sounds even greater is that I get you on the weekends.”
She squeezed my hand. “Okay, we’re exclusively dating, which is the term one would use if you aren’t thirteen years old. But you don’t “get” me every weekend. We can spend time together, but you’ll have to share me with the rest of my life. And it wouldn’t be a good time to let Mr. Control Freak out of his bag. We’re not marching in a ‘Me Tarzan You Jane’ parade. Rules of human decency and respect still apply.”
Damn, she was tough.
Fine. I could negotiate. “I see we’re setting parameters and you’re grasping for boundaries.”
“Which are normal and right.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Given that we’re sharing and making compromises with each other for the greater good of our new relationship.”
So sexy, strong-willed, and smart.
“Alright, here are my parameters. I work in the office until late, usually until nine-thirty or ten. After that, I order food in and work more from home. If you weren’t you, the woman I’m falling in love with and trying to be a good person for, I would call you over, fuck you hard, slap your ass, and send you out the door by midnight. I get into the office early the next morning and repeat.”
Her mouth had fallen into a cute little ‘o’ I’d like to fuck, but I pulled my mind out of the gutter and continued.
“I’d like to be able to spend a weeknight or two with you, go out to dinner, have a sleepover. I need to see Wenton on the weekends, but Saturday night should be our play night, at least.”
She snapped her mouth closed. “It all sounds doable. I’ll have to look at my school schedule, but we can arrange two nights together at your place during the week. I’ll still drive back home on the weekends, but I’ll go with you to see Wenton, and I can play here on Saturday night. On Sunday afternoon, I’ll do me things.”
Why would she want to do “me things?” So infuriating. At least she agreed to most of my conditions, which was a good start.
My cock twitched, and I realized that word sparring with her was very arousing. This next level of love and domesticity was such a strange new paradigm for me.
She chewed her bottom lip. “I just have to add a few more things.”
I was immediately suspicious. “What?”
“I want to make friends at school, and I want a private life, so you can’t be jealous. I promise to be real with you, so you don’t have to worry, but I’m used to flying completely solo. Adding a copilot is something I’m getting used to as well.”
I stared at her a long moment. Her request wasn’t unfair, after all.
“I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with you having a private life. I’d much rather chain you up in my basement, so no one else knows you’re alive.” I blew out a breath. “Since we’re making concessions, I’ll try. I too have a few last little items.” I lifted a brow.
She nodded. “Go on.”
“First, you commuting to New York in that car? Oh hell no. I want you to set your car on fire. I hate it, it’s a moving can of death. I’ll get you a reliable vehicle. I’m not going to have you commuting by yourself in that murder mobile. Second, do you mind starting birth control? I want skin to skin with you.”
She blinked and lifted her chin. “To your added items, here is my response. No to the car, I’m a millionaire and—”
I smirked. “Almost a millionaire.”
“Whatever. I will buy a car when the Beater Kia dies. Second, I’ve already made an appointment with the doctor to start the pill, so we’ll be able to throw caution to the wind. I’m looking forward to it.” She gave me a sexy smile that almost had me tackling her across the table.
“I guess that’s it then. What do you think we should do now? I don’t have a varsity ring to give you to wear around your neck, but I might have some swag from the Oscars last year.”
Wow, I was really doing this monogamy thing.
She reached for my hand again. “I don’t need anything, just you. I’m going to miss you this week.”
Ah, there was reality again. The time was drawing near when I would go back to my real world, and she’d face hers without me there to hold her and make her feel safe from the sadness that was ever present. I stood and pulled her out of her chair and into my arms. My cock was pressing against my jeans, begging to be free. It would be almost a week before I could see her again, so I didn’t shy away, embarrassed by my needs. Caitlyn and I had made love a dozen times, this was no different. I pulled her head to mine, and we kissed with a passion that was transforming our souls.
She wiggled against me, the minx, and I grew harder.
“You know you can’t leave me this way,” I teased.
She gave me a sly look and sank down to her knees. She unzipped my pants and removed my cock, teasing me with a long, slow lick of her tongue. I was thrilled by her warm mouth and all the incredible sensations she ignited in me. She wasn’t an expert lover, but an intuitive one. She could sense my feelings from my reactions and was able to send me through the roof.
She wrapped her hand around me and sucked, pumping me until I was about to come. With only a few precious minutes to spare, I lifted her up until her mouth was on mine. I slid my hand down her beautiful body to meet with her wet center. She was ready, and I moved her panties aside and took the plunge as we stood in her kitchen, pressed against the table.
I was so excited and time pressured, I forgot the condom. Damn, it felt good, but I quickly pulled out and rolled a new one on. She screamed as she orgasmed and I clung to her, following only moments later.
God, I was crazy about this woman. And from the look in her eyes, she was crazy about me.
When we were done, there was a knock at the door. Robert had arrived. We quickly straightened ourselves out and tried not to look like two people who’d just fucked in the kitchen. She and I had never done that, just went crazy on each other for a quickie. Our lovemaking had been sensual, slow, in the bedroom with lots of showers and sweet smelling lotions and oils. Never down and dirty on the kitchen table. It felt incredible to be fucking the woman you care for.
“Thanks, that was fun,” I said into her ear. “I won’t be able to enjoy anything this week, you can be sure.”
“Me either.” Her eyes cast downward, the sadness creeping in.
I kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her nose, and finally her mouth. “I’ll call you when I get to New York. You start looking at cars you like, and I’ll do research on my end,” I said as I grabbed my bags and headed for the door.
She planted her fists on her hips. “You’re not buying me a car. I’m not budging on that.”
“We’ll see.” What she didn’t remember was that I did this for a living. I simple pestered people until they gave in to shut me up.
Holding Caitlyn’s hand, I headed to the car, Robert running ahead to open the door. “Good morning, Mr. Preston. Sorry to bother you, but we need to hurry and get you back to New York ASAP. If we go now, I can rush through traffic.”
“What’s going on?” God, I wasn’t ready to face work just yet.
“Apparently the office has been trying to reach you. They want you to attend a ten o’clock meeting. I’ll conference you in from the car if we don’t make it by then, but they want you in person as soon as you can get there, so that’ll be our first stop.”
I had turned off my phone last night for just this reason. “What movie?”
I’d worked from Caitlyn’s kitchen every day while she went to art class. I thought all the fires were out, so I didn’t understand the reason for any crisis. Maybe my staff just needed a little practice in holding down the fort.
“It’s the final casting for ‘Gamoroa Man.’”
“Shit. Okay, let’s hustle.” I turned to Caitlyn. “Sorry for the shitty goodbye. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, and that was it. As we drove off, I hoped she would be okay and that she could manage without me. No, I realized. What really worried me was if I could manage without her.