CHAPTER ELEVEN
Caitlyn
I knew as soon as I came in looking like a star-crossed lover, I was going to hear it from Tammy.
“So?” she said, looking like a mother about to explode into an hour-long tongue-lashing.
“So?” I mocked.
Her eyes narrowed. “Oh no, you don’t.”
I sighed. “Nothing happened and nothing will happen. I just gave him a goodbye kiss is all. He actually promised to take sex off the table unless I wanted it.”
“Shut up.” Tammy seemed impressed.
“Yep, he said, he’d keep super dick—”
She held up her hand, stunned. “He did not name his cock.”
“—in his pants,” I finished.
“That guy is a trip.” Tammy shook her head. “Do you have any idea how famous he is?”
I lifted a shoulder. “A little.”
“I’m just saying… ‘The Love That Never Died.’” It was Tammy’s favorite movie.
“He did that?” I asked, truly shocked.
“Girl, you need to bone up on your Google skills. Hell, yes he did.” She was glowing just a little bit.
“Well, that’s pretty cool.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re hopeless.”
“How’s Gran?” It was the million-dollar question we were both avoiding.
“She’s really tired, only woke up once.” Tammy plopped down on the couch. “She’s looking kinda… I don’t know. I’ve never thought of her as old, but…”
I sat beside her. “Yeah, I know.” I could feel tears heating up my eyes.
“Listen, Cat, let’s just enjoy this time with her, okay? After work tomorrow, I’ll come over and we’ll get Ricky and have a dinner party. We’ll do whatever Gran wants to do, cook up some of her favorites.” Tammy smiled, basking in the glow of her great idea.
“That would be perfect, Tam. Let’s do that. Gran will love it.” I felt so relieved.
I wasn’t afraid of being with Gran while she was sick, but it was hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly. I didn’t know what I had expected her end to look like, but it was like a mush of surreal moments that I simply floated in and out of. Gran sleeping all day, not being able to walk, taking everything at a slow pace. Her body quickly dwindling, her skin loosening, her eyes growing dark. Inside that dying body was the woman who had been my mother, my best friend, and my only real family. Now that entire package was… drifting away. I couldn’t face it. Tammy was good at diversions, and right now, that’s all I wanted.
We planned our menu and our shopping lists, set the time, and since it was getting really late, she went home. I checked on Gran, who was still asleep. Being in the quite house with nothing else to distract me but my own mind, I thought of KP. He had been so much more than I had expected him to be. I hadn’t had feelings for a man for a long time. I just didn’t make space for them, but he was creeping into my heart. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought about texting him to see if he made it home safely but thought it would send the wrong message, so I just went to bed and thought of him, secretly hoping I would dream of him again.
The next day I woke up to Athena, who helped me give Gran her meds and make breakfast. Gran was in great spirits but seemed a little fragile. More fragile than I had seen her before, so much so that I couldn’t ignore it this time. We all ate breakfast together at the dining room table, but soon after, Gran was too tired to stay. We moved her to the porch so she could watch the neighborhood and the hustle and bustle of life. She quickly dozed off in her rocking chair.
While Gran was resting, I asked Athena about the changes I’d been seeing in Gran’s health.
“She doesn’t seem like herself anymore,” I said quietly.
“She’s in there and is the same woman she’s always been, but her body is shutting down around her. That’s a hard war to wage.” Athena seemed like she was gearing up for a lecture, one I assumed she had given several times in her line of work.
“Is there anything I can do for her?” I asked, trembling inside.
“Be there for her, love her as you always do and…” she paused for a moment, like she knew that what she was about to say would hurt.
“And?” I didn’t really want to know, but of course I did, desperately. I needed anything that would help me deal with my mounting anxiety.
“Well, life has many stages. We’re born, we learn to eat solid food, practice the alphabet, deal with bullies, write five paragraph essays, get into college, figure out what you want to be when you grow up, fall in love, have kids, and then you hit the other side of the mountain.”
She patted my hand. “And you think Gran is near the end of her journey?” My heart squeezed as I said it.
“Yes, darling. It’s actually no different than the beginning, no less a milestone of existence. What a lot of people do is shy away from this last greatest step. They pretend it’s not happening and deny the person their right to face the last step with dignity and pride. You can’t force a baby to stay in the womb and you can’t stop a person from dying. It’s all part of the cycle of this amazing thing we call life. Your gran probably only has a few more days until that end… that perfect finish. So, what you might do for her is embrace it.”
That surprised and confused me. How was death something to be embraced?
“Talk to her, make this something she doesn’t have to do alone. Just as you would have if you were cheering her when she was younger and fighting hard to do something well. Give her that same encouragement now. You won’t be rushing things. Her end will come when it’s time, but you’ll be giving her the permission and the support she needs to face this last phase with grace and dignity.”
“I… I… can’t,” I stammered, tears pouring down my face.
“But you will be cause you love her and this is what she deserves.” She held my hand for a moment and just let me cry.
Athena was right. For all the times Gran had cheered me on, I owed her the same kind of enthusiasm. I looked around the room at all the paintings she’d hung. When I was younger, it irked me when she insisted on hanging every one. Some of them were from when I had just started as a painter, they were raw and unrefined. Others were of subjects that were raw and emotional and they embarrassed me now. But as I sat on the couch with Athena, I saw my life’s history played out on the walls; a celebration of my existence. I could now understand what Gran had seen in the paintings. They represented the life of a person she loved deeply. She admired the ugly ones just as much as she adored the beautiful. They were all a part of me, and she loved every part of her granddaughter.
“How do I do this? I can’t just say, ‘Hey Gran, I hear you’re dying.’” I wanted to laugh, but didn’t have the heart.
“No, that’s probably not the best way to start, but you could ask her how she feels about this last stage. Let her talk to you. She’s probably been hoping that you would ask before it was too late.” Athena gave me a loving smile. “I have to clean up her room from this morning and get rid of a little toxic waste, but you think about it and just let the conversation come naturally. You’re ready for anything you might hear. Just be grateful for the time you still have.”
When Athena left, I went out to the porch and took my seat next to Gran. I just stared at her for a moment. Trying to envision that chair empty. It was so hard for me to face, but I forced myself to see it without her in it. I couldn’t. I was glad she was still there. I reached out to hold her hand, and her eyes opened, startling me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“I’m not sleeping!” she protested, “just resting my eyes.”
“Are your eyes still tired?” I asked nervously.
She knew me better than I knew myself and caught on immediately to my need to talk with her.
Her smile seemed so weak, so frail. “What is it, kiddo?”
“I just wanted to know how you’re feeling.” My voice quivered and I was on the verge of crying again.
“I feel like shit,” Gran said with a smile.
Panic seized me. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to get Athena to give you more pain medication?”
She patted my hand. “More pain meds would probably do the trick, but it would be lights out again for me. The pain’s not too bad, it’s not distracting. Just there.”
“I don’t want you to suffer. Let me know when you want me to get you some.”
“I’m good. I’d rather sit here with you, kiddo, and soak up the sun. That’s the best pain relief ever,” she said as she quietly closed her eyes.
I stared at her, watched her breathing. In and out. It felt like I was waiting for her to die any moment, but I knew in my mind that we weren’t there yet. This wasn’t her time. After a few minutes, she looked at me again.
“Whatchya staring at?” she asked, opening up a chance for me to talk to her.
“You, Gran. Just thinking about how much I love you.”
“I love you too, kiddo.” She paused and took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be hard to say goodbye.”
Emotion pulsed in my throat. “How… how do you feel about that?”
“How do I feel about dying? That part sucks when you have a young child to raise when you’re older. Inevitably, they’re not gonna be ready for you to go when you are.”
“Are you ready to go?” I asked as the tears pushed against my eyes again.
“Pretty much, except for you and not wanting to say goodbye, I’m good to go. I’ve seen this world enough. I’m ready for the next one. I think. I can’t say anyone is entirely sure of anything when it’s time to kick the old can. I remember the day your mom was born. She was such a pretty baby, just like you were a pretty baby. I didn’t want to have any more kids after she was born. I mean, I could have had a mess of kids, but she seemed so perfect, I just didn’t want to tempt fate. I had exactly what I wanted. Harold and I loved one another and then Violet was born, and that was everything. We were perfect. Your mom grew up to be so good in school. She was gorgeous, kind, smart, and the only mistake she ever made was falling in love with that Philip.”
My dad. I still could make the father I knew and loved be the same as the one who was so cruel that night.
“No man is ever good enough for your child, and none of us could see what was happening right away. He was a handsome guy, smart, a teacher. I think we all fell under his spell. She never wanted to trouble us, but his drinking started early on in their marriage. He grew mean and nasty. Violet always said it was because he worked too hard, but I could tell there was something else going on. I encouraged her to follow her heart. And I actually hoped her heart would lead her away from Philip.”
I thought Gran had gotten her wish. Mom’s heart had taken her away. No one realized it would cost her her life.
“Soon, I was too swept up trying to save your grandpa’s life, making sure he took his meds and got rest. But love can’t take away heart disease and there’s no magic wand that will reverse a stroke. He didn’t have a chance. When he died, all I felt was sadness and loss. I didn’t take time to see what was living in front of me. Violet took her dad’s death really hard. Philip… I think he tried for a little while. Then you were born and I saw in you the same thing I saw in Violet. Perfection.”
I flushed as I aways did when Gran gushed about me.
“Here was this beautiful new being in our world. I realized that life went on, even without Harold. The worst moment though, was seeing Violet. You know, my beautiful baby, just gone… and there was nothing I could do about it. I could never bring her back. I didn’t think I would make it through losing her, but there you were again. My second chance. And you have been the greatest joy of my life. I don’t want any more joys… I’m completely full. You, though, you could use a little more joy.”
“I’m okay, Gran,” I assured her.
“You’re more than okay, kiddo. You’re a successful painter and a great person with a whole amazing life before you. But I want you to find love, have a baby if that fits into your plans. Move on. Be happy. I won’t be here to see it from this side, but I’ll be on the other side rooting for you.” She cackled softly. “In fact, I could be reincarnated as your kid. Imagine the fun we’d have.” Her smile was infectious.
“That would be awesome.”
“If you keep me here, how am I gonna get to do all the things I want to in the next life? I’ve heard that heaven is something. And if I end up in hell… at least I’ll get to see Philip’s ass again and kick it for the rest of eternity.” We both had a hearty laugh over that one.
“You aren’t going to hell, Gran.” I couldn’t imagine a woman more deserving of heaven.
“Well, wherever I’m headed, I want these last few days to be as good as they can be. Now, I’ve a lot of thinking to do and some praying and mental wrapping up of stuff, so I don’t want you here every minute hovering over me. If I’m gone when you get home, then that’s how I wanted it. You’re not going to stop your life so that you can sit around and watch me die.”
“Gran—”
She shushed me. “I don’t want you taking a two-week cruise or anything, silly, but if you don’t leave on your own accord some days, I’ll just boot you out. For example, that nice fella I hear you’re dating…”
I rolled my eyes. Boy, she was a sneaky one.
“I’m not dating him, Gran. He’s sort of my boss.”
“Bullshit. You like the guy. Keep your dukes up if you have to, but don’t turn him down unless he ends up being an absolute asshole. I trust you. You won’t be attracted to a guy like your father, not after what you’ve lived through.” She was wearing down again, her eyes drifted closed and open.
“Gran, before your nap, can I ask you one more thing?”
Her closed eyelids flitted open again. “Sure, sweetie.”
“Are you ready to do this?” It took everything in me to hold back the tears.
She exhaled a long breath. “I sure am because there’s shit I can do to change it. I’d say I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
As her eyes closed again, I tried to find peace in what we spoke about. I didn’t feel much like a cheerleader, but I didn’t beg or whine like I thought I would.
That night, Ricky and Tammy came over for dinner. We had tacos and Gran’s favorite beer. We also busted out the new bottle of whiskey we bought to replace Gran’s stash. In addition to the tacos, we had loads of junk food for her to eat, especially her favorite, New York Fudge Chunk ice cream. We fired up a Freddy Krueger Marathon, and she was asleep before anyone in the movie was. She ate a little and stayed on the couch with us, covered in her favorite blankets, while we stayed up until way past two in the morning, watching the movies, and eating all of the shit food.
“I can’t believe that your grandma loves these movies. They’re such crap,” Ricky said, his eyes riveted to the screen.
“Why you still watching?” Tammy asked, curled up in a blanket, half hiding and half watching.
“Cause they’re so awful they’re awesome.” He smiled, eating another handful of Pringles.
“I think that’s why she watches them,” I said. “She told me that life never got as bad as a horror story, and they always reminded you of the good you had.”
“Hell, they remind me that I hate horror movies, I’m not gonna be able to sleep for a week.” Tam jumped as Freddy slashed, pulling her blanket over one eye, watching with the other. “Cat, I’m moving in here with you. No way am I going back to my apartment to live alone and get all shredded by that Krueger guy. Hell to the no!”
I loved the idea. “Yeah, a sleepover, like when we were kids. That would be amazing. You can have my room since I’m sleeping in Gran’s these days…” I sniffed. “I just don’t want… crap.” I swiped at my eyes.
“Nope…” She thrust out her hand. “Don’t do it, you can’t do it, or I’ll do it,” Tammy warned.
“And then I’ll do it,” Ricky added.
“See, don’t go there.” Tammy gave me a stern look.
“Okay, move in for a while, please!” I begged.
“No need to beg, I said I would. I’ll sleep in my clothes tonight and get my stuff in the morning. It’s been on my mind, I wanna do this. For a little while at least. Get some bonding time with Gran, you know, bug you and stuff,” Tammy said softly.
I felt lighter all of a sudden. “Thanks.”
Tammy flashed her eye at me again from behind the blanket. “But don’t be sappy, I don’t like sappy.”
“Oh please,” I flashed her one back, “I’m not sappy!”
Ricky spit out some of his beer. So, maybe I was a little sappy at times. Ricky stayed until the end of the third movie then went home across the street. I set Tammy up in my room and decided to leave Gran on the couch. I didn’t want to wake her, so I just settled into the La-Z-Boy and slept in the living room that night.
The next morning, Gran was thrilled to hear that Tammy had moved in for a little while. Every night, Tammy and I sat vigil together, just soaking up life, ordering take-out if Gran had a craving or cooking together in the kitchen. I could tell that Gran was having a wonderful time. Ricky would stop by and brought his husband on occasion. Athena even brought her baby for all of us to fawn over. Things felt perfect and nobody mentioned the elephant in the room again.
Before I knew it, it was Saturday again. I told Tammy and Gran that I would sit out the family day with KP and Wenton, but both refused the idea. They liked that I did things with KP and his brother, and seriously, it was the only time I got to get away from my life, which was so full of complicated feelings. Granted, I was trading up for more complicated feelings, but having a different set was a nice change of pace. Tammy had promised her boyfriend she would spend the weekend with him, so she called dibs on Saturday afternoon with Gran.
“You get her to yourself all the time. I never get her to myself. Don’t be selfish,” she pouted.
So, we agreed. Tammy would spend Saturday afternoon alone with Gran, and I would get to be with her Saturday night and Sunday. It felt right. Gran was doing okay; I hadn’t seen a lot of change. She was still fragile and barely ate, but she was as feisty and spirited as ever.
I was both excited and nervous to see KP. It had been a week, and over that time, when I wasn’t thinking about Gran and the circle of life or entertaining Tammy and Ricky while they sat vigil with me, I was almost obsessing over the man. I thought of his soft lips when I kissed him, and his sad story about his loveless family. I was both anticipating and dreading seeing him again. I felt safe that he wouldn’t made any indecent proposals, but also sad. As much as I hated to admit it, it was part of his charm.
I also looked forward to spending more time with Wenton, but I was fearful too. I saw the same vicious life cycle circling around Wenton’s world. But as Gran had so eloquently offered, there was shit we could do about it.
This time, Gran insisted on greeting KP at the door. She hadn’t been walking around too much these days, but she got out of her jammies and put on her “America Fuck Yeah” t-shirt and a pair of jeans. This woman. She always had a thing or two up her sleeve. When the knock came on the door, she took her time answering it. KP looked a bit startled to see her.
“Hi, I’m here for Caitlyn,” he said kindly.
She looked him over. Like, really looked him up and down over a space of time that must have lasted a hundred years. “Cat, he’s a whole lot hotter in person, you crazy nut.”
I blushed but grinned at an embarrassed-looking KP. “Oh? I hadn’t noticed, Gran,” I said as seriously as I could manage.
“Gotta get you a pair of glasses,” she quipped, nearly yelling at him. “Want some tea?”
“I would love some, but we’re already a little late I’m afraid. Can I take you up on the tea offer this afternoon when we return?”
“It’s a deal.” Gran shook on it and nearly fell over.
Tammy arrived and escorted Gran to the rocking chair on our porch. “I got her, Cat. You guys have fun.” She actually smiled like she meant it.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I asked, probably for the one hundredth time.
“If you don’t leave, I’ll hit you,” she threatened.
“Okay, okay,” I finally conceded.
She rolled her eyes.
Family day at the facility was just about what I would expect it to be. There were balloons and mega bowls of munchies. Gloopy foods in aluminum trays, BBQ, and an iPad blaring music over some crackling speakers. Very… um, institutional. Luckily for all of us, Wenton loaned the facility the karaoke set up, so all the families had fun with that. I got to see KP at work. It was a surprise. I thought we’d be sequestered away with Wenton as we usually were, but instead, KP was being pulled this way and that by people who, for lack of a better word, were schmoozing. He was gracious about it, but he wasn’t too happy.
I was amused watching the spoils of celebrity and also happy that it gave Wenton and I a chance to be alone to talk.
“Do you like family day?”
“It’s okay.” He looked jealous though as his brother was being moved from one group of people to the next. “I like the macaroni salad.”
“Looks yummy,” I said, trying to connect.
“You should try it.” He smiled but there was a note of sadness in the expression.
“Maybe later. Are you okay, Wenton?” He seemed so distant.
“Yeah, I’m okay. My brother has to talk to people at this party. They know my parents. We hate them.”
“Who? The people or your parents?” I was confused.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Both.”
“Why?”
“Cause they’re stupid.” He had a good point. Sequestering a family member away from their parents on family day was pretty “stupid.”
“Do you want to get some macaroni salad and talk?” I was hoping he would feel comfortable having a conversation with me alone.
“Sure.” He seemed to brighten up at my suggestion.
While in line, he started talking about his childhood. Usually when he spoke, he had a childlike manner, as if he never really aged past seven years old. Today, he seemed more mature than I was used to seeing him.
“Do you know why KP is on the scavenger hunt?” he asked out of the blue.
“I thought it was just some fun you two were having.”
He shrugged again. “When I was little, my mom didn’t let me leave my bedroom. I was so bored in there. I had so many toys, but no one to play with. KP played with me some and there was always a nanny, but it was boring, the same old four walls. I started asking KP to go get me stuff from the yard so I could see it. I mean, I could go out there, to the yard, but it was so fast, they never let me stay out there, just wanted me back in my room again. There were always people. Mom didn’t want me being around people.” His expression was matter of fact; this was his reality.
“That’s terrible, Wenton.” I couldn’t believe that a mother would do that.
“Yeah, but I got used to it. KP would bring me leaves at first. They were so cool to look at, all crispy and full of veins. He’d bring rocks and the dog’s chew toys. All of that was fun, but it got a little boring too, so I started telling him what I wanted to see. Like a frog or a turtle. I always made him take them back after. When he was in college, and we had cell phones, I asked for other stuff…” He blushed and ducked his head. “Like, show me a naked girl.”
My mouth dropped open. “Oh my god, did he do it?”
“Of course he did.” Wenton smiled devilishly.
I was playfully appalled. “Shut up.”
“I even fell in love with one of them, she’s my girlfriend.” Wenton puffed up with pride.
“Wait, you have a girlfriend?” I wasn’t sure he was telling the truth, and if he was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know about it.
“Yah, her name is Misty. Wanna see her?” He rummaged in his back pocket for his phone.
“Um, is she wearing clothes?” I wasn’t up for smut this early in the morning.
He laughed hard, slapping his thigh. “Of course.”
Oh god, a girl with the name Misty. KP must have gotten him a stripper, and maybe she texted him or something. All of a sudden, I felt a little sick. Even though Wenton was old enough, it just seemed wrong. He seemed like such a child.
But, when he finally found the picture, my heart oozed. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She was a woman, probably a little younger than Wenton, but she had the same wide smile, the same drooping eyes, the same infectious expression of happiness. KP had found Wenton another girl with Williams Syndrome.
“Do you ever get a chance to see her?” I wondered.
“We send each other texts and we Skype every week. I can’t see her, she’s in Maine.” His eyes dropped a little.
“I bet KP would take you to her.” I wondered why he hadn’t already.
“She’s my girl, and we see each other every week. I don’t have to go to Maine.” And that was the end of that.
I smiled. “Okay, if you’re good with it.”
“I am. I want KP to have a girlfriend too,” he said sweetly.
“Oh, Wenton, I think he has loads.” I was trying not to be sarcastic.
Wenton scoffed. “No, not those girls.”
“Well, then who?” I probably shouldn’t have asked that.
“His next hunt is to fall in love.” Wenton smiled so big, I could have sworn I saw stars in his eyes.
“That’s a pretty tough one,” I cautioned him.
“He can do it. He has to.” He looked at me dead on.
I was saved from a response when KP joined us. Thank god, the conversation was getting a little sticky.
“Oh good, you got some macaroni salad,” he said, eying my plate.
“I did,” I said, giving him a wide-eyed look.
The families were getting a little more rambunctious with the karaoke machine, and it was so loud that we could hardly hear ourselves talk.
“Why don’t we make our way down to the lake,” KP suggested.
“Oh goody,” Wenton cheered, “yeah, they have boat races today!”
We slowly strolled down the hill through the grass to the small lake on the property. KP explained that it was a man-made lake just for the patients at the facility. Wenton loved it because it reminded him of home.
On the lake were large inflatable paddleboats. Each one was manned with a kindly looking staff member who wielded an oar. Behind them sat a patient or a patient and their guests. Two or more boats would “race” one another to the other side of the shore, then race each other back. People looked like they were having fun. I think Wenton wanted to try.
“We can win,” Wenton said, enthusiastically.
“Of course we can,” KP agreed.
KP walked over to the person in charge of the races and had a brief conversation with them. When he returned, he took off his coat and handed it to me, rolling up his sleeves.
“Do you mind holding this?” The way he looked at me caused my stomach to twist.
“You bet.”
God, he looked good in his shirt sleeves. His arms were so lean and strong. They were also slightly tanned, giving him a golden glow. Wenton, seeing his brother take off his jacket, struggled to get out of his windbreaker. It was a little heartbreaking to see the difference in the brothers. Wenton was pale and thin compared to KP, who was like a Greek statue. But I was sure Wenton could care less about the difference.
KP plastered a competitive grin on his face as he helped Wenton get into the boat. As soon as they were both aboard, I gave them a wave. Wenton flapped his hands back and forth and KP saluted. At the whistle, their boat flew across the water. KP effortlessly rowed them to victory.
When they reached the other side, clear winners, Wenton stood up and started jumping up and down on the boat, much to KP’s horror. He was able to keep the boat stable and got Wenton calmed down. When Wenton was seated again, KP rowed them back across and they both won a ribbon. Wenton was so proud of himself and KP looked happy as they shook hands with the losers. Actually, Wenton hugged the losers.
Before they returned, KP spoke with a staff member and pointed to boats that were not being used. The conversation consisted of a lot of head shaking, but that man was persistent, and soon after his conversation ended, he had waved to us to come join him.
“We can have this boat. I thought we would do a little boating and have a picnic on the other side.” He seemed very excited by the idea.
I was too. The thought of going back to the karaoke bonanza was almost scary. Within a few minutes, as we were pulling the boat off the shore and into the water, one of Wenton’s staff members had brought us a cooler.
“Here, Mr. Preston,” he said as he walked over. “We’ve prepared three lunches.”
He was very stiff and formal, actually uncomfortably so. He was probably much more accustomed to nursing than waiting tables. KP was jovial and friendly as he accepted the cooler and helped us load it and ourselves into the boat.
“I wanna row this time,” Wenton volunteered.
KP gave him the oars, sat back, and enjoyed the ride for a few minutes. It was such a tiny lake, but if Wenton stayed seated, he would be fine rowing around as long as he didn’t get near the racers. I kept a close eye on him, ready to jump in if he started to look too tired. We parked the boat near a shady spot with a nice patch of grass and set out our picnic.
“I’m starving,” Wenton announced, and I noticed that he looked really pale and weak. He had seemed fine just a few moments ago.
“Me too.”
But instead of eating, Wenton laid down in the grass. After a few minutes, he drifted off to sleep.
“Is he okay?” I asked, more than a little concerned.
KP looked torn. If I were in his shoes, I would have been torn too. There was a fine line between letting a person you love enjoy their life while also protecting them.
“Let’s give him some time to rest, then I’ll wake him up and makes sure he eats his lunch.” KP gave me a sandwich and a big smile that seemed forced.
“Thanks.”
“Wenton’s chef made these, so you won’t be going home with a tummy bug at least.”
He was joking, at least I hoped he was joking. “You’re horrible,” I teased.
“No, seriously, all that macaroni salad and the sun is not a good idea.”
I laughed. I could tell he was raised around money because normal things like family day picnics with flies, heat, and food left out in the sun were like boot camp for him.
“I think we’ll survive,” I assured him as I took a bite of my sandwich. Ugh. I swallowed the lump. “Bologna, my favorite.” I was a total liar. And maybe I had higher expectations from a chef.
We sat together, enjoying the good weather and being outdoors. I noticed a family of ducks on the water and pointed them out to KP. “Look at how cute those little baby ducks are.”
But he wasn’t looking at them. He was looking at me. “Not as cute as you.”
His eyes fell to my lips, and all the air was sucked out of my lungs. I forced myself to look away, and the direction my eyes took me wasn’t helpful. They fell to his crotch. The growing crotch. The bulging crotch. He sat up and set his plate in his lap, and my lips quirked as he tried to hide his erection.
“It was nice meeting your grandmother today.”
I almost laughed. If we were going to play the “ignore your big boner game,” I was up for it. “I think she likes you.”
“I hope I get some time to get to know her.” Before she dies was left hanging in the air.
“Well, considering you invited yourself over for tea, I think you will.” Wow… that sounded more bitchy and bitter than I’d intended.
He gave me an I can’t figure you out look, and I relented. “Tammy is ditching me tonight for her boyfriend, so I would love the company. I’m worried about Gran these days, she doesn’t seem to be doing very well.”
“If I’m honest, she didn’t look too good, so we’ll make tonight fun. I’ll arrange for a hotel when we get back to Wenton’s cottage. I don’t want to worry about my driver. Maybe we can pick up some dinner.”
“That sounds fun. She likes to watch old horror movies and creepy shit from the eighties so maybe we can have a little movie time with her too. It’s her favorite thing.”
“Sounds fun, we can do whatever you wish.”
My eyes slid to his brother. “That sounds perfect. Do you think we should wake Sleeping Beauty?”
“Let’s give him a few more minutes,” KP said as he shifted uncomfortably, probably trying to accommodate his cock, which seemed to just be getting in the way of everything.
It was hard to ignore his struggle. “How’s not having sex with anyone working out for you?” I teased, hoping it was the right approach.
KP threw his head back and growled at the sky.
“Excruciating. I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long,” he confessed.
I patted his thigh. “Poor guy.” That was honest. I really did feel sorry for him. I couldn’t imagine having the evidence of my desire for KP on full display like that.
“Sorry, I keep trying to think of something to help tame this monster, but I can’t get it to go away.” He seemed really embarrassed.
“I really don’t know how to help you.” As soon as I said it, I realized how funny it was.
“Well…” he gave me a helpless look and we both broke out in guffaws.
It was funny and awkward, but mostly funny. Damn. I really liked this side of him.
“Glad we can joke about this.”
“I’m glad you can joke about this.”
“You wanna hug or something?” I said in my best imitation of a camp counselor.
“Woman!” He gave me a don’t even play with me kind of look.
As fun as it was to tease him, bringing us back to reality was probably the best course of action. “Maybe we should wake up Wenton. I’m kind of worried about him,”
KP looked down at his lap and I tried not to laugh as he pushed himself into a standing position. Turning his back on me, he walked over to Wenton. “Hey there big guy.”
When Wenton stirred, I started to breathe more easily. He still looked pale but less lethargic. KP gave him his lunch, and they walked over to sit beside me.
“Rowing is hard work,” Wenton said with a yawn.
“But you got us here. This is a nice spot.”
“Yep, I’m a rock star.” Wenton grinned but not as big as earlier.
On the other side of the lake, people were starting to filter out of the facility. The races had ended and it looked like the staff was starting to pack up. It was probably two o’clock or so. While we didn’t feel pressure to leave just yet, it did seem like the day was coming to an end. I tried to think of a way to buy us a little more time.
“You guys want to play charades? I have an app on my phone,” I suggested.
“I hate charades,” Wenton blurted out.
“Good.” KP smiled as he sneered at me.
How could I have forgotten his condition? It made me laugh.
“Okay,” I backed down.
“You wanna play Uno? I brought it in my backpack,” Wenton offered.
I whispered to KP, “That should do the trick.”
He flashed me a grin. “Sure, let’s play.”
We played Uno for about an hour, then KP rowed us back to the shores of the facility. Wenton looked exhausted but assured us he had “the best day ever.” Neither of us believed him. It wasn’t the company that stopped us from really enjoying ourselves, it was the situation.
While I had thought a game of cards wouldn’t be too taxing, Wenton was completely exhausted so we put him to bed at around four. He’d lost all the color in his face and his breathing was slow and labored. Wenton’s doctor assessed his condition and decided that bed rest and some intravenous nutrition would give him the boost he needed. The doctor then called KP away and they left the room. I sat next to Wenton and just stroked his hair while he fell asleep.
“I’m so tired I could sleep for a week,” he half slurred as his eyes slowly drooped closed.
“Sleep well,” I said as I continued to rub his head.
Within moments, he was sleeping soundly. While Wenton slept and KP was with the doctor, I texted Tammy to check in on Gran. According to her reply, they were having a nice day together. Gran was in good spirits and had more energy than she had seen her have in a long time. That good news made me feel better.
When KP came back into the room, he looked like he hadn’t gotten very good news. Clearly his little problem, or big one, however you wanted to put it, had gone away and he was quiet and subdued.
“Is everything okay?” I asked as we headed back to the car where the driver was waiting for us.
“Just not the greatest news,” was all he shared.
I ran my hand up and down his back. “Do you want to stay with him?”
“No, it’s not new news, just not great news. I guess you always hope things will be different or get better. People don’t have all of the answers, and you pray they’re wrong. Anyway, Wenton and I made a pact with each other. We wouldn’t think about tomorrow, we’d focus only on today. His philosophy is… if you worry about the future, you miss the moments and mourn their loss. I’ve been worried about Wenton my whole life. I’m not going to worry anymore. I’m just going to live in the moment as I’d promised him I would. However, we should probably finish the portrait soon. I’d really like to have it.” He wasn’t sad, just distant.
“Of course, I think I’ll be able to finish it by next week,” I assured him.
He gave me a gorgeous smile.
“Thanks. Not just for the painting, but for being here, for all of this. You certainly didn’t need to take this on.”
“Yes, I did. I love Wenton.” And was falling for his brother.
“Yeah, he’s amazing. So, is it really okay if I join you tonight?” I loved the new and improved, no-sex pushing KP. He was polite and human.
“Yes, I’m looking forward to it. We just have to hit the grocery store before we get home.” If KP and Wenton could live in the moment, I could too.
We were going to have fun tonight. Despite everything, Gran and I didn’t live in a mental health facility. We had our own home and we could throw down a mean dinner party together.
“This should be exciting,” he said with a note of trepidation.
“Wow, you really do have a problem,” I teased.
“Not that kind of exciting.” He winced a little as he looked at me. “I’ve never actually been grocery shopping at a proper grocery store to buy food for a dinner that I intended to make, cook, and eat.”
My jaw sagged. “You have to be kidding.” Surely, he was kidding.
He chucked me softly under the chin. “Nope, not kidding.” I loved when he was playful.
“Never? How the hell does one get away with that?”
“I’m KP, remember,” he said and beat his chest. “Me famous movie producer.”
I laughed at his Tarzan impersonation. “You mean the lame-o who’s never been inside of a grocery store?”
He gave me a mock insulted look. “I’ve been in one, just never bought anything I intended on cooking,” he corrected.
I rubbed my hands together. “Oh, this will be exciting.”
We arrived at the grocery store, and as an amusing joke, I decided to cook breaded catfish for dinner, almost the same meal KP had when he first propositioned me. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he saw the irony there. I decided that we should have corn on the cob, and if Gran was up to it, her famous apple pie à la mode. I was getting excited just thinking of the meal. In order to satisfy KP’s gourmet palate, I picked up some fancy hors d’oeuvres like caviar, crackers, and expensive stinky cheese. I let him pick the wine, as I really was way out of my league there.
The whole shopping experience was comical. I was feeling a little bold so I typed out a shopping list on my new iPhone and handed it to him.
“You have a new hunt.” I waggled my brow at him. “I’ll stay by your side for moral support, but you have to get all the items on this list. Shall we make this a timed exercise?”
Sensing the challenge, KP agreed to collect the items on the list in under twenty minutes. “Shall there be a reward if I succeed?” God, the man was walking seduction.
“Yes, there shall,” I mentioned in a regal tone.
He perked up.
“What shall it be?” he asked with a deep sultry voice.
This man must have just been hardwired for sex.
“Dinner,” I announced in my best school head mistress voice. “Ready, set…”
“Wait, I’m not ready,” he freaked.
I rolled my eyes. “What do you need to get ready?” He was such a domestic wuss.
“I have to look at the aisle markers, plan my strategy.”
That deserved an even bigger eye roll. “Okay, Martha, do what you must.”
He looked up at the headings over each aisle and then back to the phone. He highlighted a few items. After a few minutes, he loosened up his shoulders and put his game face on.
“I’m ready.” He leaned in like a prizefighter.
“Then go.”
And go he went.
I was quite impressed with his strategy; he was finding a lot of what we needed. He just grabbed things that were the most expensive most of the time.
I quipped as we went along, “God forbid if you were on a budget.”
He whirled on me. “You said nothing about a budget.”
I held up a placating hand. “Okay, as you were soldier, you still have nine minutes and half a list to go. Focus.”
I lied. He had eleven. Just wanted to put a little fear of God in him.
KP in full panic mode was hilarious. “What?”
Yes, this was fun.
He did great all the way up until the last items — the wine he was tasked with choosing — and then it all threatened to go to shit. Somebody recognized him back in the produce aisle and was trailing us. He caught on much faster than I did. KP seemed to get more tense as they continued their pursuit. Finally, in the wine aisle, there was a confrontation.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” the interloper interjected.
“Then don’t.” I winced at how rude he sounded.
“No need to get testy,” the fan snapped.
KP took a deep breath and I could see him changing course. “Can I help you with something?”
“My wife and I loved ‘From Adam to Eve,’ and I just wanted you to sign my back.” He produced a sharpie pen, gave it to KP, turned around, and bent over.
KP shot me a this happens all the time look and signed a scrawling signature on the back of his shirt. The dude seemed satisfied, and I thought he was going to leave us in peace.
Before he came back.
“Actually, we loved the movie, it was much better than the book, but well, my wife wanted to know why you hired a Latina actress to play the lead?” Wow, that was bold. “We always envisioned her as being…you know, American.”
KP’s face immediately darkened two shades and had a glowing red color. Oh shit.
It wasn’t just his dick that reacted to stuff.
“You mean Maricela Cruz? The Oscar-winning actress from Boston?” He was very carefully measuring his words.
“Yeah. Did you never think of Charlize Theron?” Was this guy serious?
“That would be the Charlize Theron from South Africa you’re referring to?”
KP was keeping his cool, but I suspected it wouldn’t last long.
“Yeah, she’s fucking hot.” The guy was almost panting.
KP’s jaw was clenched together so tight, I thought he might break his teeth. “No. Now, please let me finish my shopping, we’re in a bit of a hurry.”
“Yeah, sure, just one more th—”
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Listen weirdo…” probably shouldn’t have said that, “the man said to fuck off. You’ve got your t-shirt thing, so scram.”
Holy shit. I was all up in this guy’s face. What was I doing?
He glared at me, but I didn’t back down. With a huff, he stomped away, shouting, “Bitch!”
KP laughed heartily. “You know you’ve probably made the evening news.”
I slapped a hand over my face. “Oh my god. Get the wine and let’s get out of here. You win. No wonder you never go out and do normal people things.”
Did he have to put up with this kind of intrusion every day?
“I can’t believe you used ‘scram’ in a sentence,” he teased. “That’s so 1940s.”
“Well… scram is still a totally viable substitute for ‘get the fuck out of here, you fucking creep.’”
He grinned and continued to prod. “Because you already used ‘fuck’ in a sentence?”
I ignored that and changed the subject. “Do you have to deal with that all the time?”
“It’s worse in New York, trust me. That guy really bothered you, didn’t he?”
I puffed out a breath. “It’s just what he said, it was so racist and rude. And you were just doing your own thing, he doesn’t own you.” I was really fired up.
“He buys my movies…” He shot me a look. “He used to buy my movies, so I have to try and play nice.” He heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m known for being a shithead, so I’m surprised he approached me. He’s probably a big game hunter or something, otherwise he never would have dared to approach me.”
I laughed. “Wait, people are scared to death of you?”
He showed me a muscle, but the grin was back. “I’m quite powerful, you must know by now.”
Here we go. “Can you fly?”
“No.”
I batted my lashes at him. “Shout stuff out of the palms of your hands?”
“Nope.”
“Be invisible, see through walls, or crush things with your teeth?”
“No, can’t, ouch,” he answered to all three.
“Then you’re just a regular guy… yawn.” I took a long time stretching to prove my point.
He narrowed his eyes. “Turning over a new leaf is really hard stuff because there’s these harsh critics, like you, the feisty one, and Bubbas with casting preferences in the wine aisle who need shirt design ASAP. Maybe I should stick to assholism because you scare me a little.”
I just growled.
We went home, and Gran was in great spirits. Tammy and she had spent most of the day talking and reminiscing, and Tam got a chance to read to Gram. Gram wanted to hear Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and they also went for a walk with Gran in her wheelchair around the neighborhood. Tammy enthusiastically told me how Gran remembered her cheerleading tryouts and the day Stacy Ingram got the last cheerleading spot.
“I cried for days,” Tammy shared.
“And I told her to go to the principal and ask him to let her be an alternate since she was next in line for the team.”
I remembered that day.
“And then, like magic there was a spot for me.”
“And then like magic you won national all-stars… all by yourself,” Gran added.
“Damn right I did,” Tammy boasted.
“We went right by the Elks Lodge that hosted her reception,” Gran said enthusiastically.
“At least you had one kid who liked cheerleading.” I smiled a big, wide fake smile.
I hated cheerleading.
“At least you came to the games,” Tammy said, batting her lashes at me.
“That’s cause I threatened to kill her,” Gran remarked, straight-faced.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, it’s cause she threatened me… crazy old lady.”
“As she should have. Any respectable woman would. Also…” Tammy jutted her hip and batted her eyes, “I got all the recipes… yep.”
I stared at Gran. “Seriously?”
“Oh, come on. You don’t cook,” Gran defended Tammy.
“You don’t?” KP was astonished and his eyebrows raised a few inches.
I blew him a kiss. “Um, one detail I may have left out.”
He had been silent for most of our conversation. Gran and Tammy sat on the couch while KP and I were in the arm chairs flanking either side. I think he was just absorbing the banter of strong women. I wasn’t sure what he was used to as far as women were concerned, but we were quite a force of nature.
We chatted for an hour or so, and then Tammy got a few texts. She ignored the first couple, but finally answered them when a few came in quick succession.
She gave Gran a long, hard look. “That’s Jamal. He’s waiting for me at the restaurant, so I guess I should go meet him,” Tammy announced to the group.
I didn’t think she really thought it would be her last time seeing Gran, but she was getting prepared for that moment whenever it came. She stood up, and Gran tried to stand too, but Tammy wasn’t having it.
“Oh, you sit down and rest up,” she said as she leaned in for a hug.
Gran hugged Tammy as best as she could, being as weak as she was. “You have fun.”
“I’m gonna hang with him over the weekend. Since I’m pretty sure I’m going to marry him, we need to spend time together, just so I can be sure. I’ll be back on Monday night, okay?”
Gran patted her cheek. “You’re always welcome.”
“You know I’d move in permanently, but Cat’s taste in decor sucks. I’d have to completely redo the room.”
“My interior design skills are flawless. What are you on about, woman?” Seriously.
“Black and blue? The room is a bruise,” Tammy scoffed.
“What do you want? Hello Kitty Princess Bubblegum?” I challenged.
“A little femininity wouldn’t kill ya, Cat.”
“Whatever. Blah.” I gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
She then gave a second extra-long hug to Gran. When she was done, she was passing KP where he stood waiting, offering his hand for a handshake.
“What is this bullshit,” she protested, then leaned in and hugged him too.
“Right, hug time,” KP said nervously and did a little pat on her back.
When she let him go, Tammy looked up at him. “I hope you know Caitlyn is the best person you’ll ever meet.”
KP looked at me for a beat then addressed Tammy. “I hope you know, I know that.”
He looked dead serious. Seemingly satisfied, Tammy waved her goodbyes. Everyone had their way of dealing with life’s losses and gains. That was hers, quick and simple.
Since we’d bought the makings for a breaded catfish dinner, it was time to dive into cooking. The only problem was, Gran had the family recipe and she was the only one in the house who knew how to make it. It hit me that when she was gone, all of our family favorites would be with Tammy. I hoped Tammy was ready to hold up that part of the legacy.
“So, we bought catfish, but do you mind telling us how to cook it? You can stay on the couch and be an armchair chef.” I was pretty sure she’d want to cook the meal herself, but I knew she wasn’t physically able. However, she got up off the couch and headed to the kitchen unassisted.
“Gran, seriously, we can do this.” I tried to wrangle her back over to the couch, without manhandling her.
Gran waved her hand at me and made a gruff snorting noise. “I can’t make catfish with you bothering me,” she complained as she started to rummage through the grocery bag.
A look of panic crossed my face and KP jumped in to rescue me. He gently took Gran by the hand and escorted her to the kitchen table, made sure she was comfortably seated, and kneeled down to make eye contact with her.
“Why don’t you sit down just for a moment?” I swear that man could lead a polar bear to the desert, he was so damn sexy and alluring. “I’m embarrassed to say this, but I’ve never cooked a thing in my entire life. It would be such a great honor if you could instruct us tonight. Maybe then I’ll have something I can make should Caitlyn ever decide to visit me in New York.”
God, why did I want to jump his bones?
“Well, I suppose Caitlyn could use the practice as well,” she said, glaring at me.
“Hey, I can make toast. Back off, lady.”
Gran rolled her eyes. “You’ll need the catfish, breading, eggs… um… just get that recipe box from the counter there and look up beer-battered catfish, and bring me some of that wine y’all bought. That’s the good stuff, I can tell.”
“Gran, are you sure wine is a good idea?”
She grinned big. “You only live once.”
KP opened the wine and poured us three glasses. I got the recipe, and from there, the entire night turned to pure comedy. First, KP dropped most of the egg shells into the batter. Watching him try to fish them out with his perfectly manicured nails was a treat. He hated the texture and tried to be brave, but he gagged a lot.
Then, most of the breading ended up on the floor. He opened the bag of cornmeal and it exploded all over the place because he just ripped it open like a monkey. While frying the fish, we nearly burned the house down. All the time, Gran sat there and watched, telling us not to let one side cook too long, or not to use too much oil, or one of the other eight million steps that went into cooking a damn fish.
“Our family has been making catfish for years, and the buck will probably end with the two of you.” She shook her head and brushed cornmeal off her pajamas. “You two are a mess in the kitchen.”
Deflect. Deflect. “Wasn’t it your grandma from Louisiana who started the tradition?” I asked.
“Yep, Grandma Kate. You’re kind of named after her, only she was a Katheryn and you are a Caitlyn. Anyway, she always said that catfish were ornery things. One minute they were eating up the bait, the next minute they were attacking it. The catfish as a spirit animal is always a duality. They are both kind and defensive, focused and forgetful. A catfish is always at war with themselves until they listen to their inner voice and let it guide them. A catfish will settle down if they listen to their soul.” Gran seemed to be rambling and yet her words were like some sort of mythical road map to a better understanding of ourselves.
Both KP and I were like a catfish — hot and cold, fearful and trusting. As she imparted wisdom in the guise of mythology, we were both mesmerized until she shouted at us, “Don’t let it burn now! And when you’re done, put those in the oven and fire up the BBQ out back so you can roast the corn.” She was a harsh taskmaster.
We put the catfish in the oven to keep it warm while we went outside and helped ease Gran onto the chaise so she could supervise our efforts. KP about burned himself to a crisp when he doused the charcoal with too much lighter fluid. Once that emergency was over, I tried my hand at it. Better. I was winning at this cooking thing.
“Yes!” I gloated. “I’m the cook master!”
To my surprise, he placed a sweet kiss on my forehead, but the look in his eyes could have competed with the fire. “I’m having fun.”
It took everything inside me not to pull his head down and press my lips to his.
“Get the good china out of the cupboard!” Gran ordered.
We smiled at each other, and he went back to the corn while I put out our fanciest plates.
We’d opted for a store-bought pie because I figured it would be too much for Gran to bake one, and I didn’t want to push my luck at the oven.
By the time we had put out the hors d’oeuvres and were ready to eat, Gran was looking weak and feeling tired, so we took the heirloom china plates and sat on the couch together and ate.
“You kids did a fine job on this meal and these little fish baby things are amazing,” Gran said as she took spoonfuls of caviar and shoveled them in her mouth. “Can’t taste much these days, but these little buggers are delicious.”
She almost ate an entire dipping sauce bowl full of three-hundred-dollar an ounce caviar.
“Glad you’re enjoying them,” KP said, grinning, as I looked on horrified.
After we ate and KP poured us a few more glasses of wine, we cleared the plates and spent some quiet time with Gran, as she seemed to be wearing down. But she was still smiling.
“Gran, what movie do you want to watch tonight?” I asked. “KP’s going to hang out with us for a little while, if you don’t mind.”
“He can stay forever if he wants.” She pulled the blanket up to her chin and cuddled in. “How about we see E.T. That’s one of my favorites.”
“Yeah, I love E.T. Perfect.” I looked over to KP. “Is that okay? I’m sure you’ve seen it many times.”
“Actually, not since I was a kid.”
Gran grinned. “Everyone was so afraid of that little alien, but not those kids. They knew he was a great guy. They wanted him to stay, but he really wanted to go home, needed to go home, and he was happy when it was his time.” Although she seemed to be retelling the story, but in typical Gran fashion, there was more to what she was saying.
“I always wished he would come back, but they never made a sequel,” I added.
“They didn’t have to.” Gran seemed to be slipping a little as her eyes started to droop. “Sometimes people… I mean aliens are meant to be gone.”
I shivered. I knew what she meant. “Let’s put on the movie,” I whispered and then I cuddled into Gran.
“I love you,” I said as I held her hand tightly in mine.
“I’ll always love you,” she answered in a small and feeble voice.
We sat there for a while, not saying much as the movie played. I’d forgotten how cute the beginning was, and we even laughed in a few places. My heart was racing and fear was dancing all around my mind. Things seemed too quiet, too peaceful, and I think KP and I both knew what we were facing.
I’d heard about it before. People seemed to magically get better the day they died. It was as if God had granted them one more romp in the sun before the lights forever dimmed. I didn’t think I could bear it, and I didn’t want to face it.
Sometime during the middle of the movie, while I was holding Gran’s hand, her head resting on mine, I could feel the stillness of the air where her breath should have been.
I couldn’t move.
I was suspended in time, lost to the ethers of inertia.
I didn’t want to take the next step, I didn’t want to let go, so I held her until E.T. finally went home. As the credits rolled, tears marched down my face, and I could hardly find the air I needed for my lungs.
Sensing my distress, KP stood up, understanding what had happened. I couldn’t say a thing. I just held her, crying, unable to move. He smoothed his hand over my hair. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his tone so loving my heart broke a little more.
I nodded, trying to speak, but sadness blocked the words from coming out.
Still, he soothed. “You gave her a most wonderful last day. She died in your arms, eating caviar. No screenwriter could have scripted it better.”
I knew what he was saying was true, but I wanted to grab the remote and press rewind and do more, say more. Make it better.
There was no better. I was truly an orphan now.
KP kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll let you two have a few more minutes together,” he said as he went into the kitchen.
Through the fog in my brain, I heard him making some calls, then the sound of running water and clanking dishes. Soon, Athena was standing in front of me. There was suddenly a lot of movement in the room as two men came in and milled about the living room. KP seemed to be handling them. Everything he did was with a kind and loving grace that made me feel safe and comfortable. Nobody was freaking out or panicking, and everyone seemed to understand my temporary catatonia.
“Caitlyn,” Athena said as she shook my arm a little, “I know that you love Eula, and she knew it better than anyone. She’s in heaven now, sweetheart, and I know she wanted you to feel free to let her go. She and I talked about it a lot, and she was really worried that you might want to hang on to her when she had already passed.”
I kissed Gran’s cooling cheek. “I’m not ready.”
“Honey, it was your gran’s wish that she be taken care of right away, so that you could start your grieving and healing. We have to take Eula. I have people from the funeral home here and they need to take her now.”
KP moved in beside Athena and squatted down in front of me. “I’m going to stay with you tonight. When the funeral home has done what they need to do, I’ll take you there.” His fingers squeezed mine. “Okay?”
I heard him and yet the words passed by in a blur. It wasn’t until he swept me up into his arms that I had any real awareness of what was going on around me. He held me tightly to his chest, and I watched the men lift Gran’s body off the couch and place her on a stretcher.
Athena approached us again. “When you’re ready, Gran wrote you a note. She gave it to me to give you after she passed. She knew you’d want one last way of hearing from her after she was gone, so she wrote this for you. She also recorded a message that I’ll email to you after you’ve read the letter. I wouldn’t read it right away. Wait until you’ve had some time for this to all process in your mind, okay, sweetie. I’ll be over tomorrow, and we can all go and see your grandma together.”
I nodded, still unable to speak.
“And you are staying with her tonight?” she confirmed with KP.
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll leave you two alone and see you both in the morning,” she said with a sad smile as she followed Gran’s body out the door.
KP didn’t put me down, just sat with me in his lap. He didn’t say anything, just stroked my hair and rocked me like a child. And that’s what I was. I was five years old again in my grandma’s arms crying uncontrollably. Then, I woke up in a daze, unaware of what had happened, but it was similar. They took two bodies away that time, both covered in sheets, I didn’t even know which one was which. Which one was the mother and which the murderer? The bottom dropped out of my heart and all there was left was Gran.
Now, that moment came crashing back to me. All of the loss, the fear, the pain came after me like a tidal wave. I was unable to withstand its onslaught. I started to cry, screaming with the force of the pain. And he held me, rocking me, stroking my hair while I shattered into pieces in his arms.
“It’s okay, let it out. Scream, cry, whatever you want, Caitlyn. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry,” I said but couldn’t make the tremors and grief subside.
“I understand,” he said over and over again. When my tears had finally calmed, he held me in his strong arms. I knew it had to be past midnight and my whole body felt like I had been hit by a moving van. I didn’t want him to leave my side, I wanted him to continue to hold me and keep me safe from my grief.
“Are you sure you want to stay with me?” I asked quietly.
He kissed my forehead, my hair. “Of course, I’ll stay as long as you need me. You’re pretty tired. Let’s get you into bed.” His voice was soft and warm.
Fear pricked my psyche. “Don’t leave.”
“I won’t,” he assured me as he stood, carrying me like I was a child.
“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” I knew it was a lot to ask of him, and he was probably wishing that he hadn’t gotten himself into this mess.
“Of course.”
In my bedroom, he sat me on the bed and began pulling down the covers. “I’ll step out so you can change into pajamas.” He was so sweet and so different from the man I met at the diner.
“I’m more of a t-shirt kind of girl.”
He made a little noise — maybe a groan? — and left while I stripped down and pulled on a pair of jersey shorts and a t-shirt.
It surprised me when he came in wearing track pants and a t-shirt himself, then realized he must have gotten them from his driver. Sliding under the covers, I curled around him when he followed after turning off the lights. He made me feel protected from my fears and the unending sadness that threatened my sanity.
“Thank you so much for being here. Since we’ve met, it’s been like this weird dream, or nightmare, whatever. It’s really been a lot to think over. Thanks for not running away.”
He turned until my head was more firmly on his chest. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here, right now.”
I believed him.
I smiled into the dark room. “I like you now.”
“I like you too.” He swept the hair out of my eyes, which felt swollen and red.
I needed him closer, and tried hugging him tighter, and he turned until we were front to front. When I molded myself to him, I felt the hardness of his erection on my belly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, turning onto his back again. “I’m trying to will it away. Maybe it’s best if I stay on this side of the bed.”
I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to stay in his arms. And I wanted more. I wanted him to make me forget the sorrow of the day. I wanted him to make love to me until I couldn’t think.
When he tried to pull away, I held tighter, holding onto his shirt with my fists. “It’s okay. Don’t go.”
“Caitlyn, I… Shit. Honey.” He growled in frustration, and I stroked his arm. He barked out a laugh. “That’s not helping.”
I kept stroking his arm, his shoulder. My hand moved into his hair. “KP?”
“Yes.”
“I…I think I’m falling for you,” I said it quietly, unsure of his reaction.
Through the dimness of the room, I could barely see his eyes. He pressed his forehead to mine, giving up all resistance. “I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but it’s bigger than anything I know how to handle,” he responded softly.
“KP?”
“Yes.”
My heart picked up speed, pounding in my chest. “I want to make love with you, but I’m really scared.”
“I’m scared too. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by hurting me. Did he mean, break my heart or break my body?
“How do you think you’ll hurt me?”
I felt more than heard him sigh. “When we first met, all I wanted was your body, but now…” He shook his head. “I want more, but I’m afraid what more means to me won’t be enough to make you happy. I don’t really even know what love, like the kind you want, is. I’m willing to try.”
“That’s all either of us can do. I’ll try too. And if it doesn’t work out, we’ll go back to being friends?”
Yeah, right. Like that ever worked out.
He pulled me harder against him, and I felt his cock pulse. In spite of the grief… or maybe because of it… I wanted him.
“On to the next awkward question. I want to make love to you, but I’m worried that you’re too vulnerable right now. I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
I pressed against him and he moaned. “I want you.”
He stroked my back. “Is there anything you don’t like?”
I’d never been asked that question before. “Well, as long as you don’t go all porno on me, like butts and feet and stuff, I’ll be okay.”
He chuckled, his strokes growing longer, nearly reaching my ass. “One more question.”
“Hit me with it.” I was grasping at playfulness, but I was so nervous. Still so raw.
“Are you on any type of birth control?” He sounded kind and gentle when he asked.
Drat, I didn’t have anything in the house at all. “No.”
“I’ll get some protection out of my bag. I want you to understand that I didn’t bring it because I was planning on this happening, I always have it with me. In case I… shit.” He sighed and rolled toward the edge of the bed, and it was my turn to stroke his back.
“I already know you were a super ho-bag. It’s good to know you were smart about it.”
He kissed my nose. “Always.”
As he got up, I started thinking about what a mess I was. “I’m going to jump in the shower.”
God, the whole seduction thing wasn’t very… seductive. I might as well break down and cry some more when he sticks it in me.
He turned on the lamp by the bed and I blinked against the glare. “Is that what you want?”
I pushed the hair out of my face, giving myself a quick pit sniff. Ugh. “Yes. Will you join me?”
I couldn’t believe I just said that, then was immediately glad when he grinned. “I’d love to.”
When he stepped out, I put one foot in front of the other and went into the bathroom. This wasn’t real. None of it.
And it should have felt wrong, but it didn’t. It was like Gran had chosen this night to pass away so that I’d have KP to comfort me.
I turned on the water and nearly panicked when the door opened behind me. “Still want company?” he asked as he stepped into the small room.
I was scared. Terrified. Excited. Desperate.
“Yes.”
He pulled his shirt over his head and I gulped as his chiseled chest was revealed. The pants were next, and my stomach clenched as his cock popped out from them.
Holy. Shit.
A smile played on my lips. “I think you’re in the wrong profession.”
He followed my eyes south and laughed. “I thought about porn for a minute but knew the police would still be looking for my body when my parents found out.”
It felt like a dream as he stepped into the shower with me. Here we were smiling, and it felt so natural. So right.
Things changed as the shower curtain closed, and we were secluded into the small space.
“Hi,” he said and pushed my wet hair back from my face.
One of the pieces of my shattered heart reconnected. “Hi.”
Then he kissed me, and the world righted itself.
“Do you have any idea what you do to me?” he murmured against my lips. “How beautiful you are? So sweet?”
“I feel that way with you.”
He smiled and reached for my favorite bar of soap, trying to take it from his hands.
“Can I do that?” I asked.
His eyes fell to my breasts. “I’d rather do it for you,” he said sweetly.
I reached out a hand and touched his chest, his stomach. “I think I’ll feel better if I start.”
He handed the soap to me. “You have all the power tonight.”
I grinned. “I like the sound of that. Turn around.”
He did, and I touched the random freckles on his otherwise smooth skin. They surprised and endeared him to me. For being such a devastatingly handsome man, he had some flaws.
I loved the feel of him though, so rugged and perfect as I washed his shoulders, then down his spine, to his ass. I stopped there. I felt a hardened kind of fear stab at me, and I struggled against it.
He turned to me and took my chin in his hand as the water pelted our bodies. “You okay?”
I nodded, and he dipped his head down to kiss me. Tenderly at first, just little pecks across my skin. I clenched the soap as he sent rocketing bolts of sensation through my body. From just kisses. All he was doing was delivering tiny pecks all over my skin.
His hand found the soap in mine. “May I?”
At my nod, his hands were on my body, massaging the sweet-smelling soap into my skin. He spent a long time on my neck and shoulders, kneading the tight muscles there. I had been holding myself in a vice of pain, sadness, and fear for so long I didn’t even know that my neck and shoulders had turned to stone. His strong arms worked the pain out of my muscles, and I felt myself start to relax.
“Ah, baby, you’re a statue, so tense,” he said as he delivered kisses to the nape of my neck and top of my shoulder blades.
He ran his stubbled chin over my tender flesh, and I felt a rush of wetness course into my sex. Wow, it had been such a long time, I responded to his touch immediately. He lathered my chest and breast, my nipples tightening even further at the attention.
I moaned, and he chuckled. “So sensitive, my little Prince Slayer. Who knew?”
“I’m a mess. I think you just like melting me.”
“Oh, trust me, I’m a mess too, I’m just better at hiding it than you are.”
“Can I breathe yet?” I gasped.
He was making me insane with his swirling hands and his lilting attentions to my sex starved body.
“I strongly recommend it.” He kissed my earlobe and behind my ear.
I moaned, feeling the water turning cold, but I didn’t want to move.
“How about we get out before we turn to ice?” he suggested.
My teeth were chattering. “Y-y-yes.”
He turned off the water, then stepped out to grab the towels. I was shaking as he dried me off, wrapping another towel around my head.
With a gentleness that nearly made me cry, he lay me on the bed and joined me, pulling the covers over us both. He was still hard. He still wanted me, I knew. As much as I wanted him.
“Are you sure?” he asked, even as my hand found him and he moaned.
“Yes. I want you. I want this. Make me forget everything but this.”
As if in slow motion, our mouths met and desire curled down deep in my belly. Our tongues danced, entwined as he pushed his hand through my hair. I kissed him passionately, sharing all that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for him.
“So fucking sweet,” he murmured against my lips before licking into my mouth. Our kiss softened and then deepened again as he took his time. I understood. I could kiss him for eternity.
Needing more of my skin to touch his, I molded myself to him, draping my leg across his middle. His cock pulsed against my thigh, a reminder of how much he desired me.
He rolled me onto my back and I took his heavy weight. It was glorious, and I clung to him, never wanting to let go. His hand was on my breast, kneading my flesh, and his mouth followed.
I cried out as his lips and teeth sucked and bit, driving me wild. I didn’t know my breasts were a conduit to my clitoris, but I knew it now.
“Please.”
It was a prayer. A plea. I just needed this ache to end and I knew he was the only one to do it. My longing for him increased as his unique mixture of tenderness and strength went into every touch.
“Please,” I begged again. “Need you. Please. Inside of me.”
“Baby, I’m going to touch you, and I want you just to let go,” he said as his hand traveled down my body, exploring each curve in agonizing slowness. Then he was there, his long fingers dipping into my depths.
“So hot, Caitlyn. Everything is so fucking hot with you. So sweet. So perfect.”
I cried out as he cupped my sex, his thumb circling my clitoris. A finger, then two slipped deep inside me as he sucked my nipple into his mouth.
I keened as all the sensations hit me at once, my body tightened as his fingers drove into me, twisting, finding that spot that caused my eyes to roll back in my head.
“Do you know how incredible you are?” he asked as his fingers drove me to the edge. I came, my body crashing and writhing against him as waves of pleasure threatened to drown me in their intensity.
Then he was gone, but only for a moment as he rolled a condom on. When his weight was on me again, his throbbing cock between us, he hesitated. “You’re still sure?”
I lifted my hips, crying out his name, and he was there, buried deep inside me. His mouth was on mine again as our bodies crashed together.
He bit down on my earlobe and I cried out, my body tightening around his. Wave after wave of pleasure washed over me, spurred on by his hand on my breast. His other hand sank into my hair, pulling my head back to expose my throat to his lips.
There was nothing but us. No pain. Only this.
I came, my cry transforming into a wail as he continued to thrust into me hard. Then he was coming too, a roar filling the room as he spilled into me.
At the height of my orgasm, I understood the answer to everything. I understood why I was born. Why I’d met the man inside me. With him, I was on the precipice of something wonderful and unique.
“There you are,” he said as I floated back to earth. “There’s my beautiful friend.”
As I looked up into his beautiful eyes, I was so grateful to have him here with me, grateful for the hunt that had brought us together.
For now.