Chapter Thirteen – Red
I lay in Warren’s bed, a little too comfortable and sated. I was starting to feel like this was my home, which was a lie, and the sooner I got that, the quicker the dagger to his heart when I had to leave. It would hurt both of us because even though I knew I shouldn’t be, I was attached.
“So the wedding is tomorrow, right?” He rolled over so we were face to face on our sides. We were still naked from our earlier romp.
“Yeah.”
“You going?”
“I have to. I helped coordinate it.”
“Are you supposed to go to those kinds of things alone?”
I realized what he was asking and felt my heart fluttered. “Um. Normally, but Daniella’s the actual wedding coordinator. I’m just her assistant. I mean, I could bring a date if I wanted.”
“Well. I was just thinking I wanted to see how it looks, you know? Like I watched you do all that hard work, I want to see the final product.”
“I understand.” I tried to play it cool. “Well, you’d need a suit and a car.”
“Why a car?”
“Because you don’t want to be wrinkled and if you’re taking me with you, I’ll be in a dress.”
“I can make it happen.”
And he did. The next day he miraculously found a suit that fit him a little too tightly, but instead of looking awkward, he looked like a superhero ready to burst out his suit. He found a car, got me back to my room early enough to grab my dress, and got us to the wedding ceremony in time. Daniella smirked at seeing him as my date but was thankfully too busy making sure everything was going according to plan to stop and chat. Some people from the rehearsal recognized Warren and thanked him for coming. I pretended not to notice when they commented on how cute we were together and hinted that the next wedding would be ours.
The wedding was beautiful. It went exactly how Daniella planned, and on a few occasions, I found myself near tears. The bride was stunning, and the groom had eyes for no one else. They stood before each other saying vows that I hoped they took seriously, and I couldn’t help but thinking about my own.
“I, Tamara Byrd, promise to love you with all my heart. I promise to treat you like the blessing you are and love you through your flaws. Through sickness, health, life, and death, I promise to be by your side.” I had meant those words when I said them, and I could never forget them. They were the same words he hurled at me when I suggested I’d leave him.
“I knew you were a liar when I met you. You were always a little slut, begging for someone to look at you, and when I asked if you were trying to tease other men, you said no. Now look at you. Blaming me because you don’t get your way. I though you would always love me, Tamara. What happened to being by my side no matter what?”
He taunted me for years before his words turned to physical abuse.
Somehow Bryant had convinced me he hung the moon and the stars when we first met. On our wedding day, I believed I was the luckiest girl in the world. But I wasn’t. It took five years, but I realized after he beat me, broke me, scared me, isolated me and ruined me, that this man was not the man I thought I married.
Now this couple before me was starting at the same starting line I’d once crossed, and I hoped for their sake, it wouldn’t end like mine. Warren squeezed my hand as I wiped my eyes.
“You okay Red?”
I nodded. “I’ll be all right.”
That’s what I kept telling myself. Fake it ‘til you make it. I really did want to be all right.
That’s what I told myself when I made Warren take me to the motel instead of his house that night.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”
“No. I don’t want to crowd you.”
“Red, if you were crowding me, I would have told you. You know you’re always welcome.”
“I know. But I think this is best.”
He sighed. “Look, Red. I know you think you know best, but you don’t. You’re just scared. I’m scared too, though. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, but I feel full when I’m around you. I really care about you, and I think you care about me too.”
“Stop.” I couldn’t let him go on. It was breaking my heart to have to hear his truth and know what I was about to say would undo him. “What we have here is temporary. Remember? That’s why I told you not to get attached. I’m on the run, Warren. On the freaking run from a deranged husband who won’t let me be his ex. I have a lot of baggage. Too much for someone like you. You deserve someone who can marry one day, not a married woman like me who will probably never get a divorce. I’ll get my new identity soon and…” I had to clear my throat from the tears I felt choking me. I continued, fearing he would cut me off. “Maybe it’s best if we don’t see each other again until then.”
I felt like I stabbed myself. The way my heart was beating, I felt close to having a panic attack, but I had to stay strong until he left. It pained me to push him away, but it would be worse if I allowed him to stay and be in danger. I wanted nothing more than to stay with Warren and be his, but if Bryant ever found out, he would kill Warren.
“I wish you would just hear me out.”
“I have, Warren, and there’s nothing you can say.”
He winced, and I knew the dagger was lodged right where I was aiming for: his heart.
“I’ll see you when Wiz says your paperwork is done.”
I nodded, not trusting words instead of sobs to come out my mouth. Watching Warren drive away was painful, and I stood there in the darkness for a moment thinking of everything I’d lost. I’d given my entire life for Bryant and lost it all; now I was trying to find it again. A tear slid down my cheek and I touched it, wondering if I was being too emotional. I was always overly emotional during my period. Which hadn’t come yet. It had been completely irregular since I stopped birth control and since I was really stressed.
Still, I allowed the idea of a little baby, with eyes like Warren’s and my smile, to appear in my mind’s eye for a second. The visuals were enough to make my heart heavy. I wasn’t supposed to be having feelings for him. Plus, I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the turmoil that was my current life. Just thinking about carrying Bryant’s child chilled my bones. That was a sure way to be stuck under his tyranny forever. If he knew I had his child, he would never stop looking for me, and when he found me, he wouldn’t kill me: he’d fight me in court to take my only child away from me until I died of a broken heart. In all this running, I hadn’t stopped to think if I wanted a child. Before I met Bryant, I did, but since I realized who he really was, the thought never occurred to me. I wondered if I had the guts to go through with an abortion. I wasn’t sure that I could. It didn’t matter, though. Wasn’t no point in thinking of ‘what ifs.’ I wasn’t pregnant; it was just stress.
I settled that as I opened the door and walked into the motel room I was starting to call home. My thoughts delayed my reaction as I realized Bryant was sitting on the bed. He caught my arm as I turned to leave and dragged me inside before locking the door.
“Ah, ah, ah. Where are you going?”
I kept struggling and froze under the sting on my face and realized he’d slapped me. It was effective, and I stood there dazed and listening to him talk.
“I was beginning to think you’d never show up.”
“Bryant—”
He held his hand up. “Why don’t you sit down? I think we’re overdue for a chat.”
I looked around, searching for anything that could help me. Almost everything was nailed down – the phone, the lamp on the stand, and the bed frame. There was only one entrance, and I knew Bryant would have some kind of weapon on him – maybe a knife, or maybe he knew that he could overtake me and didn’t have anything.
“I couldn’t help overhearing your little romantic parting.”
“Let me explain.”
“No, no, no,” he said, shaking his head like a parent disciplining a child. “It’s my turn to talk, Tamara. Now sit there like a good girl and listen.”
He sat back in the wooden chair from the small desk in the corner and thought out loud. “Now, where was I? Oh yes. The movie-worthy parting.” His eyes glinted. “So you got yourself a little boyfriend while you were gone? And a biker at that. Such a naughty girl. I always knew you had a little slut inside of you. I tried to help you rid that part of yourself, but I see I was not successful.” He sucked his teeth. “And he knew you were married. What a cad. Sleeping with a married woman. Has he no self-respect?”
“He has more respect in one finger than you have in your entire body.”
Bryant jumped up and smacked me twice, throwing my neck to the left and the right. I anticipated and gritted my teeth to hold in my cries, though my eyes watered without my consent.
“I see you’ve gotten mouthy since you’ve been gone. Don’t worry: I’ll make sure to beat that out of you too.”
I held my stinging face and a sob came out. “You’re the devil.”
“Not true, Tammy,” he said, stroking the scar he gave me on my knee. “I’m your husband.”
“I will never be your wife.”
He laughed without true amusement. “The law would beg to disagree.”
I took a deep breath and kept talking, knowing he would hit me and hoping I made him so mad he accidently killed me. “I don’t care what that piece of paper says. I will never be your wife again. I hate you, and I won’t ever stop running, no matter what you do to me.”
“How dare you?” He hissed. He grabbed my arm so tight, I cried out. “You’re mine! And no other man will have you. I don’t know what that biker told you, but he lied. No one will ever stop me. You think that little restraining order can keep me away? It can’t. Whatever you thought, you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter how far you run. You’ll always be mine. In fact, let me show you exactly what I mean.”
He grabbed my shirt and tried to push it over my head.
“No!”
“Shut up,” he said, squeezing my breast painfully through the material. “You will give me what I want.”
“No! Stop it, Bryant. I don’t want this.”
He got both his hands at the bottom of the hem and pulled, effectively ripping it up the middle. “Did you hear me ask you what you want?”
Tears streamed down my face. “Cry if you want, Tammy, but I won’t stop.”
“You’re a monster,” I screamed as he wrestled me onto my back,
He smiled widely. “But I’m your monster.”
“You’re nothing to me.”
That only seemed to encourage him and he fought to unbuckle my pants.
“I won’t let you! I don’t care what you say. I’ll never give up.”
“This can happen the easy way or the hard way, Mrs. Byrd,” he said, pinning my arms above my head. “With you conscious or with you taking a little nap. Either way, it’s going to hurt,” he guaranteed.
I spit in his face and he turned a deep, beet red.
“You’re going to regret that,” he said, and I knew I wouldn’t as his fist came down and hard onto my face. The world pitched one way and became dark around the edges. I could feel him fumbling with my pants.
Don’t quit. Fight! I thought, but my hands wouldn’t cooperate.
None of this would have happened if I had stayed with Warren or had invited him in. It was my own fault. I couldn’t see anything, and my other senses faded with my vision, but I could remember him easier than I thought.
The hard lines of his face. The rugged feel of his beard on my face when we kissed. The way he ran his fingers through his short hair, perpetually looking unkempt. I thought of his full lips and the way they felt when we kissed. I recalled the look in his eyes when he tried to tell me how he felt. Now I would never know what he was going to say.