Chapter 14
Lesson Learned
Edge
The sound of a phone ringing in the middle of the night was nothing new. In the two weeks I’d been crashing in Bash’s bed, I’d learned his parents had a habit of calling him at all hours to play referee between the two of them, or when one needed a sympathetic ear to complain about the other. Mac also got strange calls when everyone was supposed to be sleeping, and since I’d been spending more nights in their room than my own, I’d gotten used to tuning out the whispered conversations.
I’d even accepted waking up to Mac’s devilish face hovering over mine, making kissy faces as he snapped pictures of me and Bash in bed together. I’d asked what he was going to do with them, but the look on his face told me I really didn’t want to know. There were even mornings I woke up to find the mischievous redhead snuggled in bed between Bash and me. It was already a small bed, the two of us barely fit, I had no clue how Mac managed to squeeze his way in without waking either one of us up. Bash seemed unfazed by it, telling me it wasn’t anything new. Even before our sexy slumber parties, Mac didn’t like to sleep alone and would crawl into his bed. I wanted to protest, but Bash claimed it was harmless and even teased me that I’d done far worse things with Mac than cuddle while I was unconscious.
I couldn’t argue against that, so I kept my mouth shut and silently adjusted to spending time in a crowded, loud, totally imperfect place. It was eye-opening. I’d never realized how disconnected I’d been from what the real experience of attending school at Castle Pines was like. Sure, it was still exclusive and more like hanging out in a country club than a high school, but there were distinct differences on how students who didn’t have their name on the building lived versus how I lived.
Bash didn’t have access to a chef; ordering food to be brought to his room whenever he wanted. There was no one from the janitor’s service to clean from top to bottom for him and his roommates. No one came and got Bash’s laundry, and there were people living on the other side of every wall of his room—everyone on this floor knew when we fucked and when we fought. It was almost like being the star of a reality TV show.
For some reason, my classmates didn’t think twice about stopping to tell me they agreed that Bash was being too sensitive about something thoughtless I’d said, or they wanted to give me a high-five for breaking the bed on more than one occasion. Bash was the only boy I’d spent the night with, the only one I claimed as mine. It was only fair everyone was fascinated with him after they’d watched boys chase me, but never catch me, for years. It was bizarre. All of this new relatability and lowering myself to their level, in combination with almost no contact with Cutter, had me wondering who the hell I was, and what the hell I was going to do with myself once graduation was over. I’d never been so lost or uncertain before. Luckily, Bash was there every step of the way, encouraging the new experiences and assuring me I would figure out what I was supposed to be doing with my life… aside from him. He already had his future figured out, and I was jealous. We were nowhere near ready to discuss what would happen to us after school was over, but I liked knowing it was possible to have a plan. Eventually I would get there, but I needed to figure out my present before worrying about the rest of my life.
“That’s your phone, Rutledge.” Mac’s voice was sleepy and irritated coming from the bed on the other side of the room. I could scarcely see the outline of a lump under his covers as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Bash mumbled something I couldn’t make out and shot an arm out so he could grab the glowing phone from the nightstand next to the bed. He swore as his unwieldy motion knocked the bottle of lube, that was now nearly gone, to the floor.
My phone hit my chest with a thump as Bash rolled over to search the floor in the dark. I admired how the position stretched out his back and made his shoulders flex. I was getting used to the way his tattoos seemed to come to life when his skin was slick with sweat and stretched tautly over his leanly muscled frame.
I squinted with one eye and then blinked in surprise when I saw Cutter’s name on the display. We hadn’t exchanged more than a handful of terse words in over a week. He was still obviously mad, and I didn’t want to rub it in Cutter’s face that I was happier and having better sex with Bash than I ever had. I wanted to give him enough space to forgive me, and possibly realize he missed me. I couldn’t imagine what had him calling me in the middle of the night. I was usually the one pulling that kind of garbage on him, and without fail, he always answered and came running to the rescue.
I swiped a finger across the screen while rubbing my eyes to chase away the sleep. I pushed up on the narrow bed, reaching out to trace a finger down the long line of Bash’s spine. “Cutter? Is everything okay?”
“Edge… I… ugh… no. Not okay.” His words were slurred and there was loud music and the sound of a crowd in the background.
I pushed the sheets off my naked body, flicked on the bedside lamp, and pawed at the floor with my foot looking for my pants. Bash sat up and was next to me, watching me with wide eyes, his irises as black as the room around us.
“Where are you? What’s wrong?” I got to my feet, shoving my hair out of my eyes and looking around for my shirt and my shoes. I blinked when a light flickered on, and gratefully caught my shirt when Bash tossed the wrinkled mass of fabric at me.
“Edge… I… err… can you come get me? I don’t know what I’m doing.” A broken laugh shot through the phone line, and it made something inside of me twist and tighten. Cutter never lost control. He was the responsible one, the levelheaded one. “I don’t know how I ended up here.”
“Where are you? I’ll come get you.” No questions asked, because that’s what he would do for me.
“I’m at Logan’s Bar.” He stumbled over the words and I could hear the hesitation in his tone. Logan’s was a gay bar I’d dragged Cutter to on more than one occasion. It wasn’t exclusive or upscale. It was more of a pool hall with cheap drinks, a liberal policy on IDing customers, and a diverse crowd… well, as diverse as Aspen got. It was a spot for a guaranteed quick pickup or a blowjob in one of the bathrooms. It was not the kind of place Cutter would go if he had a choice—at least it never had been before.
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” I would have to run to my dorm and grab my keys. It wasn’t often I needed to drive anywhere, but when I did, I was glad I was allowed to keep my Range Rover parked in the school’s garage.
“I’m sorry. I’m so stupid.” He sounded like he was going to burst into the tears, and I knew he would hate that.
“You aren’t stupid. Just sit tight and I’ll be there before you know it. Don’t take a drink from anyone. Don’t let anyone follow you into the bathroom, and don’t dance with anyone unless you don’t mind getting felt up.” I said it as a joke, but I didn’t know where his head was at right now, and I was worried about him spiraling out of control. The last thing I needed was him ending up in jail for fighting.
“Hurry.” The line went dead. Tension coursed through me and it felt like something had lodged in my throat. I watched as Bash swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and reached for his pants.
“I have to go alone. I don’t know what’s going on with him, and if I show up with you…” I trailed off and tried not to wince as a flash of pain crossed his face.
“Oh, my God. Stop pretending you don’t know your best friend is in love with you, Rutledge.” A pillow hit me in the back of the head as Mac suddenly sat up in the other bed. His hair was a riot of red and copper on the top of his head, and his green eyes glared at me. “He’s at a gay bar because he’s trying to prove to himself he doesn’t need you, that any good-looking boy will do. But everyone in this room knows that won’t work. Cutter has never been interested in anyone besides you, Edge. It doesn’t matter if they have a pussy or a cock. You are the only one he’s ever wanted, and now that you’ve found someone who makes your frozen heart go pitter-patter, he’s freaking out. The boy is demi as the day is long. It’s about time someone told him it’s all right to feel that way and let him know he’ll feel that way about someone who isn’t you eventually. This isn’t the end of the world.”
I cocked my head to the side and regarded him through narrow eyes. “You think Cutter is demisexual?”
It would make sense. He’s always made a big show of liking girls and getting around, but he’s never connected with any of them, or kept them around for any length of time. I was the only person he let get close. I was the only one he was openly affectionate and careful with. Was it possible his feelings for me had shifted at some point without either of us realizing the significance of that change?
Mac waved a pale hand in the air. “Don’t think it, I know it. I agree it isn’t a good idea to drag Bash down there with you, but eventually Cutter’s going to have to accept you have romantic feelings for someone who isn’t him. It’s not going to be easy for any of you.”
I dragged my hands over my face and sighed. “Fuck me.”
Mac snorted and rolled over. He tossed the covers aside and I got a flash of tight, green briefs before he darted across the room and dove into the spot I’d just vacated in Bash’s bed. Bash growled at him and shifted so he could pull on the sweats I’d peeled off him hours ago.
“Take care of your friend, Edge. We can talk tomorrow.” Bash was so calm. I would be raising holy hell if our situations were reversed. I didn’t want to share him with anyone, not even the evil leprechaun currently curling up next to him.
“None of this changes anything between us, Sebastian.” I said it with more force than necessary, as if I could convince him of that with only my words.
He nodded at me and allowed Mac to pull him into a strangling hug. “I’m so glad you transferred here, Bash. You’ve made school more entertaining than Gossip Girl, and you are so much better looking than Dan.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. As much as I wanted to spend time assuring Bash he was the one I was into, that he was the one I was willing to change for, I couldn’t. I had to get to Cutter and put that fire out first.
I slipped out the door with his knowing gaze following me the whole way. Life was much easier when I didn’t let myself become attached to other people. Emotional entanglements were proving to be as much of a pain in the ass as I always figured they would be. It was much easier to get my dick sucked and walk away without a backward glance afterward. The problem with that now, was I liked what came after the sucking when it was with Bash. I liked the quiet conversations in the dark where he asked about my life and I learned about his. I loved the feel of his body pressed against mine as he drifted off to sleep, soft and trusting. I liked waking up with his hard dick poking me in the ass or belly and taking care of it stealthily under the sheets before we had to get up and going for the day. I didn’t want to give any of that up because the feelings involved with all those extras were complicated.
Pushing all of that aside to deal with at a less crucial time, I raced to my room, snatched up my keys, and went racing down the mountain to the heart of the swanky ski town below. Finding parking was easy since it was late and a weeknight. It was also off-season, so the town tended to be sleepy and quiet. When the snow came, it was a different story. That was when the celebrities and the affluent descended in droves and turned Aspen into the place to see and be seen.
I was jogging toward the door when a sound from the side of the building caught my attention. My instincts were warring with one another. I had a hand on the door and I wanted to believe Cutter was inside, waiting, like I’d told him to, but another part of me didn’t like the way that noise sounded. Pocketing my keys, I switched direction and headed to the narrow alley that separated the bar from the restaurant next door.
“Cocktease! You little shit. What kind of game are you playing?” The voice was low and angry, but it was the reply that had me picking up the pace.
“I’m not playing a game. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I didn’t ask you to grab my dick, asshole.” Cutter was pissed, but still impaired. His deep voice was shaky, and the words were jumbled up with one another.
“I asked if you wanted to get some air with me. What did you think that meant?” There was the sound of fabric shuffling and the noise of flesh on flesh.
“I thought it meant get some air. It was hot in there.” Oh, poor, innocent, sweet Cutter. He had no idea what he was getting into by walking into a hookup bar looking sad and lost. No one would see that body and those baby blues, and not want to try and make him smile.
“I bought you drinks all night, kid. Don’t play dumb with me.”
I rounded the corner in time to see Cutter being pushed up against the bricks by a guy the same size as him, but probably ten years older. The guy had my friend’s jacket balled up in his fists and was clearly taking advantage of Cutter’s inebriated state. He wasn’t letting Cutter move, even though he was struggling furiously in the guy’s hold.
The older man moved in like he was going for a kiss, and Cutter jerked his head back so hard it thumped noisily against the solid surface behind him. I winced at the sound and started toward the scuffle.
“Hey, let him go.” I rushed to Cutter’s side and worked on pulling the older guy off him. “He’s drunk, and he doesn’t usually hang out in places like this.” The older guy glared at me and went to reach around me, but I smacked his hand away and glared at him. “He’s not even gay.”
The guy scoffed at me and put his hands on his hips. He looked me up and down with a sneer. “Seemed pretty gay when he was making out with me at the bar fifteen minutes ago. And he sounded pretty fucking queer when he was going on and on, crying into his beer about the asshole who doesn’t love him back.”
I fought the urge to close my eyes and refused to react to the soft whimper that came from the boy behind me. I lifted my hands in a placating gesture and plastered my most charming grin on my face. “He’s confused, and still drunk. You don’t want to be the kind of person who takes advantage of a kid trying to figure himself out, do you?”
The older guy snorted and licked his lips. “He’s fucking gorgeous. I wouldn’t feel bad about breaking him in.”
Jesus. I didn’t have the patience or self-control to deal with this miscreant. “There will be no breaking in of any kind happening tonight. I’m taking him home.”
The guy looked me up and down, a leer spreading across his face. “How about a threesome? You’re pretty, too. He can be in the middle.” His eyebrows lifted and an ugly grin twisted his mouth.
I was getting ready to tell him no when Cutter suddenly found his feet and lurched around me, pointing a finger in the stranger’s face. “He’s already got a guy he’s fucking. He doesn’t want me, so no way in hell is he gonna want you. He fell in love and forgot all about me.”
He wobbled, so I reached out and grabbed his arm, preventing him from toppling over. The older guy snickered at us. “Goddamn kids. You’re all a mess. Get him out of here and maybe give him a rundown of what cruising looks like, or this isn’t the last time he’s gonna find himself alone with wandering hands.”
I nodded as Cutter growled something unintelligible behind me. The older guy disappeared in the direction I’d just come from.
I turned to my best friend, ready to ask him what the hell he was thinking, but I didn’t see the right-cross coming. Cutter was drunk, but he was still huge and there was a lot more than muscle behind that fist he was throwing. The impact sent my whole head snapping around and forced my teeth together so suddenly I tasted blood as I bit my tongue.
I shook my head to get my rattled brains back in order and looked up at him like it was the first time I’d ever seen him. His eyes were twice their normal size as he looked at me in horror. I could already feel my cheek swelling. I spat a mouthful of blood and saliva on the ground and narrowed my eyes at the person who used to mean everything to me.
“Why can’t you love me, Edge? Why?” Cutter pulled on his dark hair and sniffed. His eyes were glassy and I knew it wasn’t only because he was trashed.
I shook my head again and I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “I do love you, you idiot. I always have. Maybe not in the way you needed me to, but I’ve always loved you the best I know how.”
He groaned and dropped his head. “I don’t even like men. I don’t want to kiss them, or let them feel my junk, but I want that with you. Even with girls, it’s not as great as everyone makes it out to be. None of it feels as good as spending time with you. Why? What’s wrong with me?” He turned and kicked the wall in front of him. Between the abuse to the back of his head and the pounding his toes just received, he was going to be a walking ache tomorrow.
I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back so I was holding him in a loose embrace. His skin was ice-cold against mine and I could feel him shivering. “When you’re not wasted, we’re going to sit down and have a long chat about how complicated and delicate sexuality can be. It’s not all one thing or the other. It’s not even a mix of this or that. You don’t have to be anything other than Cutter, and however you choose to love is up to you. No one else gets a vote.”
He sighed and practically melted in my arms. “But why does it have to be you? Everything is all messed up now.”
I pressed my forehead against the back of his head and exhaled slowly. “It isn’t always going to be me, Cutter. It’s only me right now because it’s always been you and me.”
“Why can’t it be that way forever?” He sounded so forlorn and heartbroken, I almost lied to him… almost.
“Because it can’t be. Maybe if you figured this out before Bash. Maybe if we had talked about it before. But now, it’s not just us anymore, and I don’t want it to be.”
“You really do love him.” Cutter fought his way free, chest heaving.
I scowled at him as he started walking away from me. “I don’t know. It’s too soon to know that, and I’ve never been in love before.” Plus, we were all so young. Was it possible to manage something as huge and heavy as love with so little experience? “I deserve the chance to figure out if I could love him, though. And I deserve a shot at figuring out if someone besides you can care about me, Cutter. I know I’m a mess.”
He barked a few swear words at me but stopped his furious march next to my SUV. “I never cared that you were a mess, Edge.”
We stared at each other over the hood of the car for a long moment. I wasn’t sure what to say to that, and I wasn’t sure how to salvage this situation. I didn’t want to let go of my best friend, but there was no way I was letting go of Bash to keep him.
I’d never had to choose before. Everything I’d ever wanted was handed to me without question. Now, I was going to have to figure it out, work toward a solution, give something up, and find a compromise. I wasn’t good at this shit, but I was going to have to learn how to be, really fucking fast, if I didn’t want to hurt one of the two people I actually allowed myself to care about.