Noel.
I’m sitting in the conference room of my Parisian office building not taking a blind bit of notice to what Maxwell is saying. He’s in charge of all my firms finances and has flown in from Chicago to help sort out this shit. There’s no point in me being here. I can’t concentrate. My mind is constantly in spirals. I can’t stop thinking about Tamzin and when people look to me for options, I pass the responsibility on to someone else. After my conversation with James last night, I found myself scanning The Internet for information on pre-birth father’s suffering from anxiety. It probably wasn’t the best option as the web can fuck with your head in more ways than one, but the majority of what I found was true. What I feel was right there in black and white. For a short while, it lifted that weight off my chest, but that was soon back when the thought of being weak crept in. I still can’t work out who my fear is for—Tamzin or the baby. Maybe it’s a combination of the two, but knowing Tamzin is the only one I can visually see, she’s become the only thought and the person behind my nightmares.
I need it all to stop. Maybe that’s why I came out here. Maybe a selfish part of me wanted it all to disappear and hoped that by coming here it would. Only it hasn’t. It’s made it worse because not only have I left the woman I love when she needs me the most, I’ve worked myself up in the process and I’m suffering for it more than I ever thought was possible.
“So where do you suggest we go from here?” I hear him say, bringing me out of my thoughts. I look across the oak table to find four sets of eyes on me as Maxwell and the others wait for my answer.
“I’m sorry, what?”
Maxwell exhales, his features telling me his pissed off with my lack of attention given that this issue is extreme. “Now we know the facts, where do you want to go from here, Noel?”
This was something else I thought about throughout the night while I lay staring at the ceiling and listening to the bedside clock. The fact is, I have two options: report Alex to the Parisian police force for gross misconduct and fraud, or hunt the fucker down and knock him out. Whatever option I choose, I’m still going to be forty-grand down and minus a directing assistant.
I’m about to answer when I see my phone light up on the desk with Tamzin’s name on the screen. My chest tightens.
“Hey, angel—”
“Noel.”
“James?” My stomach drops and I’m out of my seat in seconds. “What’s happened?”
“It’s Tamzin. We’re at the hospital. She’s had a little accident.”
Hospital.
Accident…
“I’m sorry, sir we did everything we could.”
My skin becomes hot and clammy. James’s words repeat in my mind and drown out everything else he’s saying. I knew this would happen. This is it: my nightmare is coming to life and is about to break me little by little.
“Noel, are you there?”
“Yes! What happened?”
“First off, calm your shit. This isn’t going to help anyone,” he orders. “She collapsed but is fine. However, her waters have broken. You need to come home.”
Everything stops.
She’s early. The baby isn’t due until the end of next month. We’ve been preparing for this day for months—talked about it, been to classes, watched videos on how to deal with it when the time comes—and now my mind is blank and my chest full of panic. She’s not fine until I’m witnessing it for myself. She’s not fine because she’s on her own. She’s not fine because no matter how strong she says she is, I know she’ll be scared.
“Which hospital?”
“St Mary’s.”
I hang up, loosening my tie and pulling my top button open so I can breathe as I head for the door, completely forgetting about the meeting as Maxwell stands from the table. “Maxwell, you’re going to have to deal with it yourself; I need to go.”
“Noel, failing to sort this could cost the business its future.”
“My future is at home!” I yell, needing to get the fuck out of here, and my skin begins to twitch with worry. “Now, you might like to work every hour life provides, but I don’t. So can you settle things here without my presence if I give you authorisation to do so?”
“Well yes but—”
“Good. Call the foreign authorities; tell them what’s happened. Then, put all the staff on a two-week holiday shutdown with full pay and go home to your wife. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone worth more than all the money in the world who needs me at home, and she’s about to make me a father.” I’m about to head out of the door when he stops me, grabbing my shoulder with a nod.
“Merry Christmas, boss. Enjoy every second.”
The airport is packed. People fill every space and kids run riot as suitcases and bags are scattered around the floor. Perspiration thickens across my forehead. I’m stressed, I’m anxious and I hope to God this next part goes in my favour or I will completely lose my shit. I came straight here after stopping off at the hotel to collect my belongings. I have no idea what planes are flying or when they depart.
Not bothering to check the board, I jump a line and head for the desk as people who are waiting yell at me. “Can you tell me when the next flight is to London.”
“Monsieur, please step back,” a guy in a navy and red suit orders.
“It’s an emergency. Just tell me the next flight time and I’ll go!” I seethe.
He stares at me a few seconds, but I’m not backing down. A sharp exhale leaves his thin frame and I hear the keys to his keyboard typing something. My frustration to get him to hurry up is on the brink of exploding when he finally says, “Due to the increased whether conditions and the disturbance on the London runway our flights have been delayed for five hours—”
“Fuck!” I yell, slamming my hand on the desk and not giving two shits about others around me. “Check again.”
“Sir.”
“My girlfriend is in labour. Check. Again.”
He looks at me with pity in his eyes and I have to control myself not to smack the twat. “I’m sorry, sir. Until further notice, there are no flights to the UK.”
I fall into a seat, hanging my head low as anger and desperation to get home overcomes me. I need to be with Tamzin. My leg constantly bounces up and down, my stomach in knots. I can’t wait five hours: anything could happen.
“Please, God. Be okay,” I whisper. “She has to be okay.”
“Care to share, son?” I look to my left and curse inwardly. Some big guy dressed in a red shirt and black trousers sits two seats apart from me casually reading his newspaper. With his big black boots and white beard, you could easily mistake him as an off duty Santa Claus. Usually, I’d smile at something like this and tease Tamzin with the fact he is the real Santa only to receive an eye roll and a ‘whatever’, but this time there’s nothing.
“What?”
“Forgive me for prying, but you looked a little stressed up there. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.”
“Stressed isn’t the word I’d use right now, and no problem will be solved unless I get out the fuck out of here faster than you can say ‘ho ho ho’. With all due respect.”
He doesn’t respond and I should be grateful for his silence, but for some reason he has me spilling all my troubles regardless of the fact that he hasn’t looked at me once, continuing to read his fucking newspaper instead.
“Some arsehole—who I thought was my friend and so I gave a job to him—has taken off with forty grand of my money. I’ve had to leave my pregnant girlfriend at home in London—who struggles with this time of year—to come sort it out, only to find out she’s gone into labour early. She will be terrified because she’s on her own. I’m constantly having nightmares because I’m convinced she’s going to die, and there’s no fucking flights for nearly five hours.”
I clear my throat from the ball that’s just formed. Saying everything out loud to a complete stranger has just made it all the more real. Santa folds his newspaper neatly, places it on his lap and entwines his fingers.
“Sounds to me like you need a Christmas miracle.”
“No shit. If only that were possible.”
“Don’t you believe in stuff like that, son?”
“When I first met Tamzin it killed me to see that there was no sparkle in her eye when Christmas was mentioned, because to me this month is everything. I was brought up to believe and knowing she lost that because of grief was hard to witness. I needed to change that for her and I did. I love seeing her smile, that glow of excitement in her eyes. Only now I don’t know what I believe anymore because this month has suddenly stripped me of everything and all hope has—”
“Don’t say it, son.”
He stands, looking down at me with rosy cheeks that look like they’ve been painted on and his stomach that looks no smaller than when he was sitting down. Give the guy a black sack and he’ll fit the job of delivering Christmas perfectly.
“Whether it’s Christmas or any other part of the year, do you believe that good things can happen? That good people do exist and that the good can come from bad situations?”
I don’t have to think twice. “Yes.”
“Well, young man, you’re in luck. Come with me, and I’ll fly you home.”
“On what? Your sleigh?” I can’t help my sarcasm, even in my shitty mood.
“No, I live not too far from here and just so happen to own a helicopter.”
I scan my eyes around the airport and look back at him, baffled at what’s happening.
This can’t be fucking real.
“So, what? You just sit in airports like some Christmas spirit waiting to make someone’s yuletide come true?”
“You could put I like that. I just look at it as giving a helping hand when people need it most.” He slaps me on the back. “Now are we going to make this journey or are we going to sit and wait for a phone call to say you’re a dad?”
I still don’t know what to make of all this but I don’t have any other option. I’m going home to my girl, even if I die trying. “I’m Noel by the way.”
“Pleasure to me you, Noel.” He holds out his hand. “I’m Nicholas.”
I laugh for the first time in days. “Of course you are.”
Tamzin.
I’ve been in pain for what feels like days already, and I’ve cried enough tears to flood the river Thames. I’m hot, I’m frustrated and I’m terrified with not having Noel by my side. This isn’t how our first-born is meant to come into the world: mother a blubbering mess and an absent father. James said he’d called Noel as soon as I got here, but I don’t remember much about that conversation. All I remember is coming round to a distressed little girl out in the cold and a vision of green uniforms asking me my name right before I blacked out again. According to the doctor, my blood pressure done the opposite and dropped which resulted in me passing out. I guess other than the fig rolls I ate before daylight, I must have forgotten to eat when I made Ruby her lunch. I’ve frightened the crap out of her and the poor girl hasn’t come near me since. I guess it’s one thing seeing and thinking an adult has wet herself but it’s another when the whale size woman falls at your feet. She must have been so frightened, but the responsibility that little girl took on in getting help was phenomenal.
“Oh, God,” I cry, gripping onto the bed as another contraction rips through me. With each one, the pain intensifies, radiating across my stomach, lower back and down my thighs. I’m trying so hard to stay off the drugs, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.
“You’re doing so well, Tamzin,” Evie murmurs, rubbing my back as I sway my hips. “You make it look so easy.”
“You think?” I breathe out.
“Yeah. What does it feel like?”
“Let me hang off your vagina and you’ll get the idea.”
She laughs and continues to talk to me. I love Evie dearly, but why the fuck she wants to hold a conversation when I feel like my crotch is about to explode is beyond me.
“It’s so inspiring just watching you. What advice would you give from your first experience?”
“Stay away from dicks.”
Midwives and doctors come and go, but time now seems to have stood still. The night is drawing in and the snow is falling fast outside. My gut is riddled with anxiety as no one has heard from Noel in hours and if the weather continues…
I can’t bring myself to think about it. Where before I was concerned, now I’m terrified for his safety and the thought of going through this alone. I’ve gone through too many things in my life alone and the thought of going through this without him is unbearable.
I need you Noel.
April, our midwife, has now come on duty and will be with me for the remainder of our journey, she doesn’t have to ask how I’m doing because she can see it in my eyes along with James who seems to be at my side more than I thought he would be. He’s the closest thing I have to Noel until he gets here but it’s still not enough.
“You not had this baby yet?” he grins, walking back in the room with a bag full of treats like he’s about to sit and watch a movie. I glare at him.
“If I weren’t strapped to monitors and in agony, I’d smack you and wipe that damn smile off your face.”
“Ooow, fighting talk from the pregnant one. Don’t make me man handle you.”
“Don’t make me squeeze off your manhood.”
He erupts into laughter, filling his face with jelly babies that make me want to heave just looking at them. Like Noel, James is built with muscle and tattoos and is a giant when standing next to Karen.
“Can you please not eat those in front of me? You’re making me feel sick.”
“Jeez. You pregnant women are so snappy,” he grins.
“Were you this annoying when Karen was in labour?”
“Oh God, no. I was worse.”
Another contraction is brewing and I gesture to him to help me off the bed. “You don’t have to be here you know, Evie is here. You can take your girls home.”
“I’m not leaving you until Noel gets here. I promised him I’d take care of you.”
Gripping his arms as I come to a stand, I hold into him, breathing out as I prepare for the pain.
“I was so angry at him before he left, James,” I murmur, regretting our argument even though I’ve apologised a thousand times. “Now it all seems so stupid.”
“He’s struggling, Tamzin. More than everyone realised.”
I don’t understand what he means, but before I have chance to question it, I’m crying out in agony and hanging from his arms.
“Do you need pain relief yet?”
“I just need Noel!”