Noel.
I had it all planned. Down to the finest detail: a limousine ride to our favourite restaurant, a little dinner in front of the open fire, a dance to the soft harp and violins before spending the night in a hotel room where I would stand her on the balcony around lanterns and city lights and asked her to marry me. Snow had fallen over night, making my prediction right and the atmosphere more magical for what I had planned. Everything was booked and paid for, the ring was in my jacket pocket and the nervous excitement in my stomach was off the chart. It was meant to be perfect. Then, that all went to shit when I had the call from Paris.
There’s an emergency.
I need to fly out.
My night with my girl is now cancelled.
My phone call this morning has angered me for many reasons. The man I trusted to work and run my firm—Alex—has shit on me from a great height, stolen my money and fucked off. If it weren’t for the fact it’s Christmas and my employees weren’t all up in the air, I would have got someone else to sort it, but as that someone else would have been Alex and he’s the fucker that’s caused the issue, I have no choice but to head out. Now, I somehow have to tell Tamzin that not only am I deserting her less than a week before Christmas, but I’m also leaving first thing tomorrow.
“Fuck!”
This feeling in my chest is back, tighter than ever, at the thought of leaving her behind. This is not how I want our December to pan out. It’s important to me and it’s also tender for her. We make it special because of those reasons. We make it ours. Nothing gets in the way of this month; I’ve never allowed it. That control has been smacked out my hands faster than I can hold on, and now I’ve got no idea what the fuck is the right thing to do. I can’t bear the thought of telling her.
Tamzin’s arms snake around my neck as she climbs behind me on the bed. The house is smelling of good food and mulled wine ready for another Christmas gathering with my family, who are due to invade us any moment.
“You’re quiet. You sure you’re okay?”
It’s not the first time she’s asked me this today. I’ve tried to take my mind off everything by getting knee deep in cooking, but every now and again my mind wanders just like it has done this past few weeks. My dreams have now become nightmares in which Tamzin is the main character; the things that happen to her in them leave my stomach raw and my body in a cold sweat. My own head is playing mind games with itself, and I feel like I’m in some twisted horror movie. In last night’s dream, she got hit by a train; the night before it was a car. These fears I’ve been experiencing aren’t getting any easier, and when I ended the call this morning, I was near on having a panic attack at the thought of leaving. How do I tell her that not only do I have to leave but every time I close my eyes, I lose her forever?
“I’m fine, angel. I’m just a little tired.” I turn to look at her, her silver eyes deep with concern. She knows I’m troubled and even though I hate hiding this from her I appreciate her asking.
“Everyone is here,” she whispers, squeezing me a little tighter and kissing my neck before she gets up.
“I’ll be down in a second.”
She stops when she gets to the doorway, turning back with a smile. She’s dressed in a pair of black leggings and a long red top that sparkles and covers her body flawlessly. I’m so proud of her, who she’s become—who she will soon grow to be. There is nothing more sexier than seeing the woman you love carrying your child.
“Merry Christmas, Noel.”
“Angel, it’s not Christmas yet,” I joke.
She grins. “Every day is Christmas with you by my side. This one is going to be the best one yet.”
Fuck. Why did she say that?
“I love you.”
The night is a blur: games and laughter fill the room as Christmas in the Thompson’s is well underway. Crackers are popped and party hats slip off our heads as the glow in the room is a combination of lights and festive cheer. My heart warms with the smile that’s constantly on Tamzin’s face, her infectious laugh that gets everyone’s attention and the love in her eyes when looking at her growing stomach. I never want that to change. But even though I’ve had a great time with those that mean so much to me, it’s been there: that heavy weight on my chest and a mind full of hallucinations that I can’t shake off. Wanting a little space, I head out of the living room when I spot two little feet peeping out from under the table.
“Hey, Ruby-Lou. What are you doing under here?” Her cheeks are rosy and the corners of her mouth covered in chocolate.
“I wanted some timeout. It’s all getting a little overwhelmingly.”
I raise my brows. “Such a big word for a little princess. Do you know what overwhelmed means?”
“No, but I heard Mummy say it a few times.”
I grin. To say she has no concept of the word, she’s used it in a damn good situation given the fact that the festivities are crazy. “Is that why you’re under here too, Uncle No-No, because you feel overwhelmingly too?”
I can’t help but chuckle and kiss her head. This girl is way too cute. “I guess so, kid.”
She looks at me, her brown eyes squinting at me as she looks all over my face. Talk about making a grown man feel uncomfortable. “Do I have chocolate on my face, cupcake?”
“Are you changing because you’re a family man?” she whispers, now battering her eyelashes at me with a sorrowful look in her eye.
“What do you mean?” I whisper back.
“I heard Grampa say that you’re changing because you’re becoming a family man now. I don’t understand what he means, Uncle No-No. I don’t want you to change.”
Am I really changing that much?
“I’m not going to change, cupcake. What Grampa means is I’m different because Tamzin and I are having a baby. Having a baby means great responsibility and the need to adapt to that change. You can’t always be the person you were because there’s a little person to look after.”
“So, you can’t go out drinking anymore like Daddy can’t? He says he misses that.”
“Exactly.” I smile.
“When the baby comes can I help take care of it?”
“Of course you can. You can change it when it’s smelly.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Getting a five-year-old to do the dirty work isn’t being very responsible, Uncle No-No.”
I laugh out loud at her dryness. “Guess not.”
It’s just after ten. The buzz of the night has levelled out as everyone is full of food and drink. The few family games we played for Ruby’s benefit are pushed aside as she’s now spark out on the sofa under a blanket. Karen, Mum and Tamzin are all in the kitchen discussing anything baby related as I continue to pace the conservatory area. James and Dad now have the low down on what’s been happening over in Paris and they are both sitting with a whiskey in hand trying to help me figure out where to go with it next.
“I’m so angry right now. I have a good mind to hunt him down myself.”
“Don’t get yourself worked up, Dad. It won’t do your heart any good.” The anger in his low voice matches my fury. I feel like a fucking idiot; treated like a mug for trusting that man when all the time he’s been screwing me over.
“Have you told Tamzin yet, bro?”
I close my eyes at the thought.
This will hurt her so bad.
“Not yet.”
“You’re kidding us, right?”
I glance at him and his eyes widen.
“Seriously, Noel. You leave tomorrow.”
“Drop it, James,” I snap. “I know I’m about to fuck everything up, so I could do without your lecture right now.”
“What are you going to do son?” Concern edges my dad’s voice. I’ve done the only thing I can do, and it guts me that now is the time I have had to do it because of what month it is and where it will leave Tamzin. If it were months previous I wouldn’t think twice, but life is never easy and right now I don’t have a choice but to head out and sort the mess he’s left behind. “The only thing I can do. I fly to Paris first thing.”
A sharp gasp catches my attention and my stomach drops.
She heard me.
Standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes is Tamzin.
Tamzin.
My stomach is cold and hollow. Ice spreads through my veins, and the painful aches of my heart thunder rapidly in my chest. I hope I heard wrong. I still pray that I’m in some messed up dream, but the look in his eyes tells me his words are true.
He’s leaving.
How could he do this?
December is our month, our time: a chance to make new memories that cloud out the painful ones of not having my own family around me this time of year. Without Noel, December won’t be ours. To me it won’t be Christmas. It will be nothing, just like it was before I met him: just me and the sore memory of a lifetime that once was.
I flee from the doorway, ignoring his plea to stop and the calls of concern from his mother. Tears stream down my face as I enter our bedroom. My stomach is in knots. My chest is tight as I try to control my breathing.
Why now?
I hear the soft voices of the others as they say their goodbyes and I’m left waiting—for what I don’t know because it’s clear he’s already made his mind up and never thought to involve me in the decision to begin with. I thought I was worth more than that.
That strong pull between us blazes when I feel his presence, only this time it angers me and makes me madder with him for creating such an unconditional love I’ve never had before. One way or another, this man is about to ruin me and I don’t have any strength to stop it.
“Tamzin?”
His voice is softly spoken and full of apology, causing my eyes to close and a tear to slide down my cheek. I can’t look at him. If I do it will crush me, because as much as I hate him right now, he also holds my heart.
“Please let me explain.”
“What is there to explain, Noel? You’re going to Paris on business when it should be family time.”
“It’s not like that. I never wanted it to come to this. I’ve tried so hard to prevent this, but once I knew for sure, it was too late.”
My eyes narrow at his words and I turn to face him. He looks as broken as I feel and it takes everything in me not to walk over and hold him. Why is it that he’s hurt my heart, yet I’m the one that wants to hold his? “What do you mean you tried to prevent it?”
He comes further into the room and sits on the edge of the bed, his head low and a deep exhale leaves him. “I’ve been trying to sell the Parisian business. When you got pregnant, I knew something had to give in order that I could help out more, and that is the one business that we can manage without. That’s why I went there last month—not because they called for me but because I went out to settle a few things before going ahead and selling. I didn’t want anyone else to keep it running whilst I raised my family. I don’t want to be a silent partner; I just want it gone. However, things haven’t been that simple, and a lot of shit has since been uncovered. Alex has screwed me out of thousands and it’s down to me to sort.”
I receive all of his words and understand the importance of sorting it out, but that doesn’t change the fact he’s kept his plans from me for weeks, and in my mind it doesn’t solve a thing because it’s still December and he’s still fucking leaving tomorrow. “And you’re telling me this now. Why?”
He looks confused. “What do you mean why? You asked me to explain.”
“Yes. And it’s something you could have told me weeks ago, only you choose to tell me the night before you fucking leave! What were you going to do, Noel? Ring me from the hotel room and say, “Merry Christmas, honey. I’ll see you in the new year?’”
“Of course not.” His voice is raised but still in control. We never argue. I snap at him occasionally but he always manages to bring me around with some quip remark or a goofy comment about his ego. Not this time. Overreacting I may be, but I’m too far gone to think straight.
“Tamzin, I only found out how bad it was this morning!”
“And you still never told me then. I’ve been asking you all day if everything is alright because I knew. I knew something was wrong, and you’ve just lied to my face!”
“Because I knew you’d be like this.”
“Like what, Noel? A broken mess because you’re leaving?”
“Angel—”
“Don’t angel me! Just tell me. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s December. Because it would mean admitting to the fact I failed in keeping the promise I made to you two years ago.”
I feel like I’ve been smacked in the gut. I didn’t realise his words would have so much power behind them to leave me weak. I’m shaking. Tears stream down my face and my legs don’t feel like they belong to me. December is ‘us’. The promise he made to me when we first got together. The promise of December meaning no matter where life took us, we’d always share this month together as it means so much to us individually and is too painful for me to spend it on my own.
I hold onto the window frame and look out into the darkness, trying to support my trembling body. The night sky is full of glisteningly bright stars; the ground is coated in pure white snow. The cold from outside matches the mood in the room as I try and control my insides that are bubbling with so many emotions.
It’s all going to stop.
I’m not going to have that flutter of excitement on a morning because he won’t be here.
I won’t have that warmth of coming in from the cold to the open fire and the smell of Christmas pine because he won’t be here.
Every good thing I’ve worked hard to feel again when it comes to this month will stop.
Every good thing that the festive season brings will be gone because he’s the one that keeps it alive and makes me feel it. It’s all going to be replaced with coldness for however long it takes for him to return.
“Talk to me, Tamzin,” he says softly.
“It’s days away from Christmas, Noel.”
“I’m sorry. I know you’re mad.”
“Mad?” My minutes of calm have quickly been replaced with anger as I turn to him. “Oh no. I’m not mad. I’m so fucking angry right now, I’m likely to throw something at you. Why would you do this? You know I find Christmas hard with my grandparents not being here, and now you’ll be leaving me too?” I don’t know why I throw back words he’s already aware of. He recognises he’s broken that promise, I’m just adding salt to the wound. A look of remorse washes over his face: seeing me cry kills him, but I don’t give a shit how he feels right now.
“I’ve asked James and Karen to make sure you’re okay until I’m back.”
“Oh, how very charitable of you.”
“Don’t be like that,” he sighs.
“Like what? I have every right to be pissed when you discussed this with them before me.”
“That’s not how it is. James has been working on this with me for the last couple of weeks. I’m not responsible for what he tells his wife. I didn’t not tell you because I didn’t want to, but because I wanted to try everything I could to sort it out so that you had one less thing to worry about.” He pauses. “But it’s blown up in my face and become a hundred times worse. I failed, Tamzin. I’m sorry!”
He dips his head low and combs his fingers through his hair in defeat. He looks tired. A part of me hates myself for going off on one like this when it clearly isn’t his fault. He would have done everything he could to stop himself from going. He’s done it to try to protect me; that’s what he does. He has no reason to feel like he’s failed me in the process. It’s not his fault. It’s just a shitty timing. So why can’t I get my head around it?
“Let me come with you,” I murmur with plea. “I don’t care if I’m stuck in a hotel room for days. At least I will be with you. You will be close.”
He’s silent a moment, contemplating my words. His reply, though, is one I should’ve expected. “I still stand by what I’ve said before, Tamzin. You’re not flying in your condition.”
“I wouldn’t be in this condition if you’d kept your dick protected!”
He stands up from the bed and for the first time, anger is now in his tone. “That’s not fair. Don’t you dare say that, because we both know that you don’t mean that!”
I bow my head. He’s right: I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t even know what I’m thinking. My mind is a blur and my heart is bruised. I smooth my hand over my stomach in a gentle way of apology. I love the fact he wants to protect me. I love the fact he’s a man of his word and doesn’t back down despite my plea just because he feels guilty, but flip the coin and right now I can’t help but feel unwanted.
We’re silent a moment. The only noise between us is the trail of cars at the end of the street and the voices of people who still walk the dark night. My breath hitches when he takes hold of my hand, making my heart more aware that this whole situation is in fact reality and not some shitty dream. I want to take my hand away, but I don’t. I can’t. So, I just hold on and let the warmth of his skin smoulder through mine to try and thaw the coldness that’s creeping in.
“Tami…”
I turn on his whisper like I’m under his spell. My eyes close when he places a kiss on my forehead and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. “I helped you find your Christmas and to get back again the love in your heart and what this month meant to you before they passed. You need to keep hold of that. Please don’t let my time away change that. It’s just a few days.”
“A few days is too long, Noel. I can’t do this on my own.”
“You’re not on your own, angel. You just think you are because you still can’t see December as anything other than another year without your grandparents and the month they loved. Regardless of whether I’m here or not, it doesn’t change the fact that they never will be. That feeling will never go away, but you have to move on. You have a new family now, which I know you adore, and you need to let them in for your own sake not just because they’re a part of me.”
I can’t tell if he’s patronising me or if the realisation of his words ring true. Either way, it ignites the rage and I find a strength I thought had vanished. “Get away from me.” I lunge forward and push on his chest, wanting him away from me and wanting him to hurt like I do. Only he doesn’t falter, and when he steps towards me I do it again, this time balling my fists and hitting his chest with the side of my hands as fresh tears threaten. There is not enough strength behind my blows to hurt him, but I hit out in frustration and fury, not because of Noel, not because it’s December, but because of everything I feel now that I don’t have them. I know I’m being pathetic, I know I’m being selfish, but I’m terrified that even a few days without him will make me become that broken girl I once was. At the time, I was unaware of just how dark my world had become, and it was Noel who brought me out of that. He was and still is my light, and I can’t go back there again.
“Take what you need, angel. It’s nothing I don’t deserve.” The deep emotion in is voice causes me to stop the blows and look at him. I’m left winded. His beautiful brown eyes are cut with hurt and sorrow because it will kill him to have to leave.
To leave us.
Me and our unborn child.
No matter how long it maybe for, I know it will crush him to leave us again. At Christmas. Why have I not considered how much this is affecting him too? My handsome man that I love so deeply is suffering, and I’ve not once thought about him in all of this. My heart suddenly becomes heavier, only now I don’t know whom I’ve become angrier at: him or myself. Instead of pushing him away in order to gain space, I grab the back of his neck, pull him towards me and crash my mouth to his.