Noel.
I run through the maternity wing like a bat out of hell after throwing a wad of cash at the taxi driver and wishing him a merry Christmas. The flight back was a little bumpy due to the weather, but Santa—who I now know as Nicholas—did an excellent job of getting us here in one piece. He did everything within his power to keep my nerves settled as we flew, but once we landed in the air field and the taxi was there waiting, I felt like a ton of bricks had hit my chest. Suddenly my few hours of panic became a reality when my feet touched British soil, and all I wanted to do was to be with Tamzin.
“Mum,” I call heading down the corridor to find the whole family here. “I got here as fast as I could.”
She comes to me and grabs me by the shoulders, looking deep into my eyes as if to settle my nerves. “She’s fine. Don’t worry, son.”
Relief leaves my lungs; I’ve been so scared. “Thank God. What happened?”
“She was looking after Ruby when her waters went. Ruby said she fell over in the garden and she couldn’t wake her for ages. The doctor said it seems her blood pressure dropped which caused her to collapse. It was Ruby that called the ambulance.”
“And the baby?”
“The baby is fine,” Karen adds. “Tamzin’s eight centimetres dilated and has only just gone on the gas and air, which she is loving. They are monitoring her closely because of her drop in blood pressure. James is with her.”
I’m about to enter the room when I spot Ruby sitting on a chair hugging her teddy bear. She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, worry in her features and as much as I’m desperate to be with Tamzin, I can’t ignore this little girl that’s usually crawling all over me. “Hey, cupcake. I hear you were a brave girl.”
“I tried to wake her up, Uncle No-No. I got a blanket and called the ambuwance,” she whispers, hugging her teddy a little tighter. “Is it my fault because I wanted to play in the snow?”
I wipe away the stray tear that falls. “No, sweet girl. It’s not your fault. You did the right thing in helping her get to the hospital. Santa will be extra proud of you for being a good girl.”
She smiles, that sparkle back in her eye as she sits up, completely changing her sadden mood. “Do you think?”
“I don’t think. I know.”
She sniffs and wipes her eyes and I know she’s feeling better. “I’m going to go see Aunt Tamzin now okay?”
“We made you cookies,” she grins.
I smile for the first time in days, scooping her up in my arms and walking us back to Karen and Mum. “I hope you saved some for me?”
“Just the crumbs,” she giggles.
Tamzin has her back to me when I enter the softly-lit room, her upper body leaning over the bed as she rocks herself in her vest top and baggy shorts. Moans of pain leave her as my eyes scan the room. A long trail of paper with mountain-type squiggles print out from one machine while the room echoes with the baby’s heartbeat. It’s a soothing sound that calms my insides instantly. James—who’s currently holding her hands over the bed—catches my eyes and nods.
“Tamzin, sweetheart, I need to step out a moment, okay?”
She only nods, inhaling the gas and air and letting out another moan.
“How did you get here?” he whispers. “The airport cancelled all flights.”
“It’s a long story, but you can thank Santa Clause.”
“You look like shit, brother.”
“How is she?”
“Wanting you.” He takes me in a hug and slaps me on the back. “Go get ready to become a father.”
Her flower aroma engulfs me the closer I get. I’m home, and for the first time all my anxieties have vanished. I place my hand on the small of her back. “Angel.”
She looks over her shoulder with a look in her eye that tells me she’s unsure if she’s heard right. She’s hot and sweaty, her hair stuck to her face, and even though she looks exhausted she’s never been more beautiful.
“I’m here. I’m home.”
Her eyes glass and as she turns her head back to the mattress tears erupt from her body in deep sobs, confirming just how afraid she’s been. I take her arm and pull her up, wanting to hold her and make her safe.
“Shh. It’s okay,” I whisper, kissing her temple and hair several times. “I’ve got you, angel.”
I hold her for I don’t know how long, rocking us both silently through her tears and contractions as I whisper words of encouragement in her ears. “Talk to me, Tami. I need to hear your voice.”
“Take off my clothes,” she moans.
I raise my brows, grinning at the fact my girl is still inside. “You know we really should talk about your forwardness whenever I return home from being away. Small talk is needed before you demand your requests.”
“I’ve been dying to lose my underwear for hours but your brother was in the room. I didn’t think flashing him my pussy was appropriate.”
“Good point.” I grant her request in between contractions and she sighs in relief.
“Is Ruby okay? Tell me honestly because James gave me some bullshit and she hasn’t come near me since we got here.”
I wipe her forehead with a cool sponge. “She’s fine. I talked to her just before I came in. She thought it was her fault but she’s fine now.” I smile.
She doesn’t respond, her nails grip into my biceps and her body goes heavy on me again as April rubs her back with words of encouragement. Each contraction is closer together, more intense and lasting longer than before. As a man, you hear all kinds of stories about labour but you can never appreciate the power and strength behind a woman until you’re witnessing it for yourself. That said, my anxiety is back, only this time it’s because I’m unsure she can get through this because of how tired she’s become.
“Noel, I’m so tired,” she murmurs, resting her forehead on my chest as April steps out of the room. “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can.”
She shakes her head, her own panic setting in as she becomes uncomfortable. “I can’t. It hurts so bad.” I take her jaw in my hands, making her look at me, her eyes glazed from the gas and air, her face pink.
“You can do this, angel. You are strong.”
“I want my gran,” she whispers.
“I know, my love. I know.” I kiss her head to reassure her as April comes back with another midwife. Tamzin’s body now trembles from head to toe as her cries surge, shouting out that she needs to push. Both midwives help her onto the bed and from that moment I seem to go into a silent world. I feel her hand squeezing mine, I see the mouths of the midwives talking to her, I feel my own body responding to her and giving encouragement but I hear nothing. It all becomes white noise as the minutes pass me by—as I wait.
Then it changes.
The piercing sound of tiny lungs rips through the silence like a spitfire bringing me back to reality, and what was slow motion now becomes high speed as everything is overpowered with cheers and cries. My eyes glass and the smile on my face expand as this little pink bundle of joy wails with shock.
“Congratulations. You have a girl,” April beams.
Air leaves my lungs and my emotions erupt faster than I can control them. I’ve never felt, nor experienced anything like this in my life. This deep, overwhelming feeling of love and pride.
“You did it, angel,” I weep, smiling and catching her own tears that fall and kissing her lips. “You did it.”
“We both did.”
Everything I’ve felt these past few weeks—every nightmare, every attack—they’ve all been worth it. My beautiful girl has given me the most precious gift life can bring, and I love them both unconditionally. I cut the umbilical cord and April hands our daughter to Tamzin. I can’t stop smiling. This tiny person is a part of us, she’s made us a family. Her tiny fingers grasp my thumb with so much strength it takes my breath away. “She’s so strong,” I whisper.
“I knew she would be.”
“I’m so proud of you, Tamzin. I’m so proud of you both.”
I’m a father.
Tamzin.
Christmas Day.
It’s true what they say: no matter how much pain you go through during labour, all is forgotten when you hold the tiny human in your arms. Baby Thompson was born thirty-five minutes after midnight, weighing seven pounds exactly and looks just like her daddy. She is more perfect then we could ever imagine. Words can’t even describe how much love I have for her already. With ten tiny fingers and toes and a powerful set of lungs, she’s certainly made her presence known in the days she’s been here; these past few have flown by. I’ve slept for the most part of them, cried on various occasions and if I haven’t been feeding her, I’ve just been lying watching her with a smile on my face.
I still can’t believe she is here.
Noel has been amazing. He too hasn’t stopped looking at her, bathing her and holding her like she’s the most precious thing in the world, which she is.
We just can’t settle on a name.
“Good, morning, angel,” he whispers, kissing my nose and pulling the cover up around us more.
“I believe it’s Christmas Day.”
“I believe you’re right, and it’s our first as a family.” He kisses my lips. “Merry Christmas.” Noel hasn’t left my side either since we got out of Hospital. I’d never felt more relieved when he arrived. All that anxiety and emotion I’d held on to left my body in big ugly cries. I didn’t care how he’d got here or what state I was in, I was just so glad I had him with me for the remainder. He beat himself up for a bit for not being with me from the start and has apologised countless times for it, but he was there and that was all that mattered. He’s been my rock since the very beginning and never faltered in the labour process, even though he looked petrified.
“We need to think of a name for Dumpling,” I say.
As if on cue, she stirs in the Moses basket next to the bed. Noel gently picks her out with a kiss on her head and comes over, handing her to me before getting back into bed, resting his arm around my neck and kissing my hair.
“I think we should call her Ellen; your gran would have liked that.”
My heart suddenly feels as though it’s about to burst with his heart-warming gesture. I don’t know why I never thought of it before. I look up at him with tears in my eyes. Ellen was my grandmother’s name.
“We need to keep the love and history of your family going, and I think it fits her perfectly.”
“I think it’s perfect. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” I whisper, as he wipes my tears away.
“You don’t have to, angel. I can feel it.”
He looks back at Ellen, and I continue to watch him. The short conversation with James about Noel struggling floods back like it has done since that night, only it’s been difficult to talk with him because of visitors invading us. Now, I need to know more of it. I need to know what his words meant. “Babe, can I ask you something?”
“Hmm,” he says, stroking our daughter’s hand.
“When I was in hospital, James mentioned something about you struggling. What did he mean?”
He sighs heavily, closing his eyes for a moment before resting back against the headboard. The look on his face is troubling, which makes my stomach tighten with the uneasiness. “Ever since the day we had that conversation about you dying, it triggered something. I’ve been having visions—nightmares—about you. It started off with just a bright light but it soon became something much heavier and haunting. Every time I closed my eyes, I lost you.”
It all makes sense now: the sleepless nights, the constant calls asking me where I was and the grip he had on me when we’d drift off to sleep. I thought it was the protectiveness I read of that some new fathers experience leading up to the birth; I never once thought it was because he was afraid of losing me forever. “Why didn’t you tell me? Are you still having them?”
“Not as much. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t know what was going on with my own head, so I couldn’t have you stressed over it as well.” He turns to look at me. “Leaving you the other day almost killed me, Tamzin. I can’t go through that again. Business or not, wherever I go, you go with me, and now that you’ve given me the most precious thing in the world, the little lady comes too. You both come before anything else.”
“Even though it hurt, being without you made me realise you were right. My hang up wasn’t with you leaving it was because it brought history back again with not having my grandparents, and even though I hated every minute and cried myself to sleep every night, it made me realise just how much love I do have around me. That was proven with the support I got from your family. I guess I’ve never truly realised how much I meant to them, until now. I don’t want any of that to change. You promised me December and I’ve never been happier since that day. You’ve made me feel alive again, Noel. You’ve opened my heart and made me so happy, and I want this feeling I have to stay with me eternally.”
“Me too. You have my word when I say that I give you the promise of forever.” He kisses me softly on the lips. “Besides, sex with another woman wouldn’t be half as good as it is with you.”
“Glad to hear it,” I giggle.
I look down at our beautiful daughter that lies between us and I smile. I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world: I have a man who loves me, and a family—a family that I’ve longed for, ever since my Grandparents died. They would have been so proud of my greatest achievement.
“Would Daddy like his Christmas present now before our princess wakes and makes herself—”
“Marry me, Tamzin.”
My heart stops, but I don’t look at him. “What?”
“You heard.”
“I don’t think I did. Say it again.”
“Marry me.”
“Yeah, I thought that’s what you said,” I grin, the excitement now filtering inside as I’ve just reached a new height at the thought of being a wife.
A wife!
He lifts my chin for me to look at him, his eyes full of awe. “So, do I get an answer?”
“To what?”
“My question,” he chuckles.
I can’t help but tease. “You never asked me a question.”
“I said ‘marry me’.”
“Which often comes with ‘will you’.”
“Such a smart arse.” He kisses me softly. “Will you marry me?”
I raise my brows. “You know, the traditional way is to get down on one knee.”
“Fuck tradition. Answer the question.”
“Don’t let your mother hear you say that; you know what she’s like when it comes to tradition.”
“Tamzin,” he warns.
“Yes, Noel?”
He goes to speak but stops, a grin appearing from ear-to-ear. “Was that a yes?”
“To what?”
“Sweet Jesus, you’re killing me here,” he laughs. “My question. Was that a yes to my question?”
I sigh happily, place my hands on his jaw and look at him. “Yes, I will marry you.”
His grin spreads wider and his chest rises with a deep inhale. I pull him close to my lips before adding. “Only, the traditional way you’d also have a ring.”
“There’s one over in my jacket pocket.”
I raise a brow. “So, you’re going to make me wait to see it?”
“Damn, right?”
“Why?”
He grins. “Call it punishment for all the stress you’ve put me under.” I smack him on the arm and he kisses me wildly. Jesus, I love this man. He rocks my world every damn day and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Little Ellen’s cry breaks us from our kiss. Noel rests his head on mine, looking deep into my eyes. “Merry Christmas, angel.”
“Merry Christmas. Someone sounds hungry.”
I shift her in my arms and get myself comfortable ready to feed her. I meant what I said about her feeding: I want Noel to be a part of it, but until things settle, I’ll continue to feed her myself as she’s latched on beautifully.
“She’s so pure and perfect,” he whispers, watching us both. “She’s so good.”
I look at him. “She won’t stay like this forever; she will grow, she will cry and she’ll give us grief, you know that, right?”
“Daddy won’t let that happen. She’ll be a good girl.”
“Just wait until she comes home with her first boyfriend.”
He shakes his head. “Not gonna happen. She stays inside until she’s thirty.”
“Or when she comes home and says ‘Daddy, I’m pregnant’.”
His face falls white with horror. “Is it too early to get her tubes tied?”
I laugh. “Not forgetting the day the huge bill comes in for the first wedding and a few months later she announces she’s left him.”
He raises his brows. “I love how you have such confidence in our daughter.”
“All I’m saying is, if she’s anything like I was as a child, you won’t sleep a wink and that handsome head of yours will go grey very quickly.”
He looks at our daughter a moment then looks back at me with a serious face and whispers. “Do you think we should send her back?”
I burst out laughing. “Oh, God. I love you.”