CHAPTER ELEVEN
Paige was glad that Razim hadn't followed her upstairs. And glad that he hadn't even tried to come to her room. That would have been awkward after the way they'd just spoken to each other.
But, even in spite of that, Razim was clearly determined to behave with at least some sense of decency and honor toward her. And for that she had to be grateful.
Sleep proved to be difficult. Memories of their time in the garden tormented her. Remnants of the pleasure he'd given her still lingered in the muscles of her body. And at her core.
It had been amazing.
During the long night, in the solitary darkness of her bedroom, she thought about the coming day. She asked herself over and over if she could go through with it. She'd never imagined this would be so difficult. Back in New York, everything had seemed so much easier. So much simpler. Turn up, sign papers and leave. Move on. That was what she'd promised herself she would do.
Now that she was here, though, what had once seemed easy was now proving impossible.
She hadn't reckoned with Razim. He was doing everything to delay the end of their marriage. She could understand that. This whole arrangement seemed to mean so much to him.
She felt torn by Razim and what he so obviously wanted. He wanted her to stay married to him. Just thinking about that made nerves curl in her middle.
It wasn't as easy for her as it was for Razim. This was his world. He was on home territory. If she did stay with him, she'd always feel like an outsider.
But, Razim seemed so sincere. So genuine in his desire for her.
On the one hand she wanted to believe him. She desperately wanted to trust him. And have faith in his belief that things could return to the way they'd once been.
But, deep down in her heart, doubts still lingered. Hard, unmovable uncertainties. It seemed like those doubts leaped out at her every time she was near Razim. Even after what had happened, she still felt the doubts. The truth was, she sick with uncertainty.
She thought about the way he'd overcome her resistance.
No.
That wasn't right. She had submitted to him. Razim had claimed his right to give her pleasure and she had submitted. Willingly and with desperate need.
Once again, she recalled what it had felt like lying beneath him, feeling his touch, tasting his lips, hearing his groans of satisfaction. Even as she lay in bed, she could still almost feel his hands at her core; still sense his tongue tracing a line down the length of her neck.
Exquisite pleasure. That was what she had felt. How could she turn her back on a man who could make her feel like that? Part of her didn't want to. But an equally powerful part of her demanded caution. She knew that remaining in Qazhar would change her life forever. Especially with a man who so clearly felt such strong emotions about her. But, how much could she rely on those emotions?
Paige recalled the times when Razim had murmured dangerous words to her, in the darkness, in his bed. They'd been words of love. But that now seemed like such a long time ago, she wasn't even sure she could believe them any longer.
Love.
Did she love him? There was no easy answer to that. Partly because this situation was so unique, and because Razim himself was so special. So incredibly handsome and yet, at the same time, so volatile. Untamed. A true man of the desert. A wild spirit, one she wasn't sure she could ever tame. Every moment with Razim was a moment of vital excitement. She never knew what each day would bring. Only that it would be unforgettable.
Just like Razim.
There were times when she was so drawn to him, that it was easy for her to tell herself she loved him. And there had been times when she had felt so incredibly close to him, that she had allowed herself to think the unthinkable.
That she could love this primal force of nature; this astonishing man.
But, still she held herself back from that commitment. Even if he was prepared to take a bold step into a shared future with her, she wasn't sure she was able to do the same.
Not yet.
Sleep finally claimed her, and her dreams were filled with Razim.
****
The next morning, she was up bright and early. She showered and prepared herself, putting on a light blue, casual dress and flat shoes. She went downstairs, expecting things to be quiet. Instead, she found palace staff racing around, arranging things in the large reception room. A long table had been moved to the middle of the room. Three seats had been placed at one side of the table.
She assumed that must be the place where the simple ceremony would take place later that morning.
Paige felt nervous just looking at the place where she knew everything would change.
"Good morning," she heard Razim say from behind her.
She turned and saw him advancing toward her. He was dressed in a plain white shirt and blue jeans. For a moment, she was taken aback to see him dressed so casually. She wasn't used to seeing him in jeans. She had to admit he looked pretty amazing. The tight-fitting jeans accentuated his long legs, and his muscled thighs. Goodness knew what his rear would look like, she told herself.
He surprised her by coming to her. When he kissed her she inhaled his scent. His freshly washed skin smelled gorgeous. Awkwardness seized her, just thinking about what was going to happen in this room.
She glanced nervously at him. "Good morning," she replied.
He gazed at her a long moment, as if he was about to say something. Then he looked over at the table. "Things are being prepared," he said. His voice was steady and free of emotion.
She cleared her throat. "So I see."
Razim nodded. Paige shifted nervously on her heels.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked.
"Not really," she replied.
"Me neither," he said.
Up close, she could tell his mood was low this morning. That was perfectly normal, she told herself. Her own mood wasn't exactly positive.
"You hungry?" he asked.
"Sure."
He glanced in the direction of the dining room on the other side of the hall. "We can eat out on the terrace, if you like. Just like we used to."
Paige wished he hadn't said that. Memories of last year flickered into her mind. Bright, sunny mornings filled with good humor and hope. Not like today. This would be her one and only pre-divorce breakfast.
She followed him into the dining room and out onto the terrace. Just like he'd said, the table was already set for two. She took her seat and he took his, facing across from her.
The air was cool and the sky was blue. Delicious scents wafted in from the garden. Servants brought a variety of dishes and Paige helped herself to as much as she could eat. She discovered she felt not just hungry, but ravenous. She wondered how much of that could be put down to nerves. Probably all of it, she told herself.
Razim ate quietly for a while, occasionally making casual comments to her.
Finally, just as he finished his coffee, he laid the cup down and gazed at her. She could tell he intended to say something to her. Something important. Maybe he thought this would be his last chance, but she wasn't even sure she was prepared for what he might say.
"I had plenty of time to think, last night," he said. "After what happened. After what you said before you went to bed."
She didn't say anything. Hardly daring to breathe, she could only gaze across the table at him.
"I understand this has been difficult for you," he said. "And I can't blame you for having doubts."
"More than doubts, Razim," she said. "I've never been so nervous in my life."
"Me too," he replied.
"Really?" she asked.
He nodded. "Sometimes I ask myself how we even got ourselves into this mess."
"Is that what you think this is? A mess?" she asked.
His brows furrowed. "That's how I see it for you."
"I've survived, Razim," she said emphatically.
He smiled weakly. "I can see that, Paige. You're a survivor. I've always known that about you."
The compliment caught her off guard. For a moment, she wasn't sure how to respond. "You seem to have adapted to life without me," she said defensively.
"You think so?"
Paige gestured with a hand. "Look around at all this. You're hardly in a difficult situation."
He shrugged and then shook his head. "It's been nothing without you." He sighed. "It's been too quiet. This palace is too big for just one man."
She smiled at him. "Are you trying to say I'm too noisy?"
He laughed. "Let's say the palace isn't the same when you're not here."
"You have your family," she said. "They come over and visit, don't they?"
Even as she said them, the words sounded almost silly. Back home in the US, family members came to visit. Usually at weekends. But they didn't come to a palace, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
"They do," he admitted. "And I have my friends. I've been spending more time with them. There's plenty to occupy us in Qazhar. I haven't been stuck in the palace every night these past few weeks." He peered at her. "And I'm sure you've been busy in New York."
Paige shook her head. "I've been too busy with work to have any time for socializing."
"New York and Qazhar are different kinds of places," he said.
Paige wondered if he was trying to tell her something. Was he trying to tell her that there'd been other women while she had been in the US? In spite of everything she'd told herself about wanting to keep her distance from Razim, she felt a tinge of jealousy when he said that. Even the beginnings of a mild indignation. But she held onto her composure. It wouldn't help for him to know that kind of thing bothered her.
"Qazhar city is smaller, though," he said. "You get to see the same faces all the time."
Paige wondered exactly what faces he was referring to. Curiosity flared into life, but she managed to bite her tongue. It was too late for those kinds of recriminations. Did she really believe that Razim would have cheated on her? While she was still his wife? That possibility seemed remote, given what she knew about him. About how seriously he took loyalty and honor. And also given how he'd treated her since her return. She'd just about managed to hold him off. But it hadn't been easy.
She saw that he was watching her. Carefully. As if he could read her mind and was waiting for her to take the bait. But she didn't.
"I can't be expected to spend every night at home. All alone. Can I?" he said, lifting a brow.
"I guess not," was all she said.
The corner of Razim's mouth curled into a sardonic smile.
She finished her coffee and stood, pushing the chair away from her with an impatient gesture she couldn't control. She walked over to the balustrade and leaned her hands on the cool marble. Razim joined her, taking a place alongside her.
Paige folded her arms and tried to force her attention out to the garden. She needed to do anything except look at Razim, because she knew he would be watching her. The awkward silence stretched for long moments.
Finally, she couldn't avoid it any longer. She turned and faced him. Just as she'd anticipated, Razim was gazing at her. There was an expectant look on his face.
Something snapped inside Paige and she sighed heavily. "Look, Razim. I know what you're thinking. That I'm going to change my mind. That I'm going to tell you to call this whole thing off."
His brows furrowed into deep ridges.
"But, I'm not," she stated firmly.
His expression changed to dismay. "You're not?"
Paige shook her head. "I've come this far, and I can't turn back. This was the way we planned it, Razim. It's the only way it makes any sense."
Razim shifted toward Paige. "Even after everything I've said to you?"
Paige nodded and held his gaze, defiance growing inside her. "You've been kind," she said. "I can't deny that. But we both know this isn't going to work."
She had to force those last words out because she knew, deep down, that she couldn't possibly be sure that what she had said was true. The only way to know for sure would be to stay. And, right now, given the way she was feeling, all the turbulent emotions sweeping through her, that possibility just seemed so remote.
Razim move closer. "You know how I feel about you, Paige," he said.
She met his steady gaze. "You've told me," she replied. She sighed and turned away from him. "I don't know, Razim." Emotion welled up in her. She felt her eyes moisten and she gasped in frustration. "Why did we do this in the first place?" She glared at him. "Didn't you realize how dangerous this would be for both of us?"
Razim reached across and laid his hand gently on her bare arm. "You did it for me, Paige."
"No, Razim," she snapped. "We did it for each other. We both got something out of this. Have you forgotten that?"
"Are you feeling guilty?" he asked.
"About what?" she said abruptly. "That you set me up in a business that will probably last me the rest of my life? Something that would never have happened if I hadn't married you?"
He shrugged. "It was the least I could do," he said in a matter-of-fact voice. She thought he sounded pretty pleased with himself. For some reason, that annoyed her.
She glared at him. "Don't patronize me," she said sharply.
"I'm not," he replied. "I mean what I say. It was a privilege to give you that. I know how important your independence is to you."
"It has nothing to do with my independence," she retorted.
He smiled and shook his head. "You're just about the most independent woman I've ever known."
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"
He tilted his head. "You can take it any way you like."
Paige moved abruptly away from him, and folded her arms. "This isn't going to get us anywhere," she announced. "I think it's better I go inside and wait for the him to arrive."
Razim gazed at her for a long moment. "So, you're going ahead with it," he said in a flat voice. He sounded hurt. But, what did he expect? Hadn't she made her intentions clear?
They faced each other. Paige drew in a deep breath and then sighed. "I am," she declared.
There was a long silence, and then Razim nodded slowly. Suddenly, his entire demeanor had changed. He looked disconsolate. She wondered why he hadn't put up more of a fight. Maybe he was just trying to give her what he thought she really wanted.
To be free of him.
Paige started to turn away from Razim, but he stopped her with one last statement. "You know this isn't what I want, don't you?"
Paige smiled wanly at him. "I know that, Razim. But it is for the best. You'll see that after I'm gone."
And then she turned and walked back into the palace dining room, desperate not to look back.