CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE - CHRISTINE
So here we stand. Just the three of us. And that’s just fine with me.
“OK then,” Danny says, following the Watsons into the other room.
And now it is two.
“Christine—”
“I know,” I say, more anger and resentment in my voice than I’d like. So I take a deep breath and turn to face him. “I got it.”
I turn to follow Danny but Alec grabs my hand. “Wait.”
“What?”
“Are you angry with me?”
“No,” I say, exasperated. Because I kinda am. And I kinda have reason to be. But I do understand I don’t have reason to be as well. So I say… “It’s just our new reality, that’s all.”
He nods. Continues to hold my hand but says nothing. This is all me.
“I’ll get used to the idea, OK?” And in this moment, I feel that is a very generous offer.
But Alec shakes his head.
“Fine, I like her, is that good enough?”
He offers me a smile. Like I’m close, but not there yet.
So I huff out a resigned sigh and say, “She’s perfect. Is that what you want to hear? She will be very easy to love. Hell, I’m already in love with her. It’s not Andra’s fault I have… issues. And I know better. I would never, ever take it out on her.”
The smile grows. “I know that,” he says. “I never had any doubts and neither did you. I just think it’s good to say things like this out loud so they become our truth. Our team got a little bigger while we weren’t looking. I’m sorry you weren’t consulted—”
“Alec—”
“—I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know that you weren’t the one who gave us our addition—”
“Alec, please—”
“But we’re here now and I need you to know… nothing has changed.”
Everything has changed.
“Not between us,” he says, shaking his head like he’s reading my mind. “We are stronger, better, and more in love than ever. She is ours, Christine. Ours.”
“I don’t think Eliza will see it that way.”
“Eliza will have to find her own way forward. She is not our concern. You,” he says, his thumb stroking my hand. “And Danny. And me. We are the ones who count.”
“OK, so let’s stop fucking talking about it and go make a plan to kill your brother.”
He just stares at me and I wilt.
God, what is wrong with me? Why do I let Eliza Watson turn me into this… this… petty, sad little girl? Why do I give her power like that? Surely I can adult my way through this? Right? I can be the better person. Not stoop and all that nonsense?
But Eliza has always made me feel small. And I am small next to her. I am young, and small, and weak and…
Alec reaches out with his other hand and places his palm against my cheek. He gazes down at me like I’m the most important thing in the world.
Not Eliza. Not even Andra, though we’re probably tied for first place at this point and she will most likely overtake me soon. She will overtake everything. Because that’s what children do. They upend your life. They pull it apart until there’s nothing left but little pieces. But then you put all those pieces back together in a new way and you move on with a new center of light.
That’s how it should be. That’s all I ever wanted from the people who brought me into this world. That’s all I wanted to give our child and never got the chance.
But I do have the chance to do that for someone else.
So I owe it to Andra to grow up and deal.
I am not that little girl anymore. I am strong, and bold, and capable. And Alec helped make me that way.
I owe him too. So much. But that’s not why I give it one more try.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m being a childish bitch.”
“I’m not looking for another apology. We both said them. We both accepted them. Now we rise above it and get the job done. And you’re not being a childish bitch. You’re acting like any normal person forced into this situation. I just want you to understand you were my first choice then and you’re my first choice now. And I’m sorry as well. I’m sorry that our painful past has to be part of our present. I’m on your side. I truly am.”
And that, for whatever reason, feels like what I needed to hear. It feels like enough.
It shouldn’t be good enough. Not after I took up with Lars and helped him. After I betrayed Alec in such a nefarious, backstabbing way. Not after the hurt I felt after losing the baby and discovering I—we—had been replaced.
But it is.
Because I didn’t mean to betray him, and he didn’t mean to betray me.
And even if I did mean to betray him, and him to betray me, we still didn’t mean it. Our choices were unconscious actions that grew out of pain, and guilt, and past experiences that were never dealt with.
So I say, “I’m on your side too. Forever.”
Alec strokes my cheek and squeezes my hand. “Good. Then let’s go take care of business.”