CHAPTER 23
The sun starts to rise, and Kieran lies next to me, asleep. The tension is gone. His breath comes naturally, the pull and push even. Peaceful. Watching him sleep, I realize how far we’ve come. For weeks, he was up before me, never letting me see him vulnerable. Always working. Always moving. Always helping. I realize now that he was avoiding me, but slowly that’s changed.
I place my hand on his chest, needing to be convinced he won’t disappear. Even after the elation of the night, fear creeps its way into my heart—the familiar feeling that life can’t be trusted to work out as we think it will. I curl next to Kieran and push the feeling away—I’m used to it by now—and find a restful sleep.
Sunshine pours in the windows of the apartment when I wake up later. My clothes are strewn about the room, and delirium still fogs my brain. A memory of Kieran’s lips traveling up my spine sends a wave of euphoria through me. I could wake up like this every day.
I feel around the bed but can’t find Kieran. Grabbing his shirt from the floor, I put it on and go to stand at the gigantic windows. The fear he’ll disappear isn’t there today. It seems nothing could ruin the ecstasy I feel this morning.
Below, the water in the canal sparkles. People walk the streets. The city is laid out in front of me, all the way to the coast.
I made it to Dublin . . . and it’s only the beginning.
I watch the people below, walking with purpose, leading their lives. For weeks, I’ve been waiting for my life to start again, and now it’s here. I’ve made my choice, and it feels good. Better than good. It feels complete.
A clock radio sits on the nightstand. I press it on, and a song comes through the speakers—an up-tempo pop beat with more bass than guitar. It matches the feeling inside of me right now. Alive. Vibrant. The day seems brighter than usual. The only clouds linger far off to the west. I feel like I’m floating. Like all that’s around me is new. The air. The sunshine. Me.
When you’re floating, it’s impossible to fall.
I turn up the music and sway my hips to the beat. When the song picks up pace, I do the same, bouncing on my toes and hopping around the room like a bubble that won’t pop. My arms soar through the air, riding an invisible wave. My head swings back and forth, messing up my hair worse than it already is. The music wails as I dance ecstatically. Shaking myself loose. Feeling the floor beneath me, my heart beating in my chest, my skin tingly.
This is bliss.
This is happiness.
This is feeling alive.
This is freedom.
“Is that a popular dance move in America?” Kieran’s voice behind me. I turn around hastily, hair in my face, shocked, out of breath. “Don’t stop. I was enjoying the show immensely. Particularly the costume.”
I grab the bottom of Kieran’s shirt and pull it down over my legs.
He walks over to me, holding a hot cup of tea.
“You’re not getting bashful on me now, are you?” He glances at the bed, a naughty grin on his face. “I think we’re past that point, Bunny.”
And I think to myself: Thank God. Last night was real. It happened. I cannot, will not, forget it.
“Good morning, Bunny.” Kieran kisses me on the cheek and hands me the cup.
This is better than good.
“So what should we do today?” I ask, my eyes connecting with Kieran’s and then hinting, not so subtly, toward the bed.
But he steps back, shaking his head. “You need to see Dublin.”
I move closer. “We have time.”
“The weather is supposed to turn this afternoon, so we need to get a move on.”
I close the gap between us. “You’ll be my tour guide?”
He shrugs. “I thought I’d just put you on a Hop-On, Hop-Off bus for the day while I get drunk at the pub.”
“So maybe you do have a drinking problem after all.” His eyes look unburdened, more alive than ever. “Hop-On, Hop-Off. Is that a bunny joke?”
I stand on my tiptoes, my lips aching for Kieran’s, but he pulls back, a grin on his face like he knows he’s torturing me.
“Tea. Shower.” Kieran backs out of the room. “We have things to see before the rain comes.”
When he’s out of the room, I do one more wild dance move, shaking my hair in my face more and stifling a yelp in my throat. This feeling . . . this makes living through death worth it. I flop down on the messy bed, feeling the rumpled sheets under me, pressing my face into the pillow. A howl of glee explodes from my lips as I smell Kieran all around me. His sheets and shirt cover me. I never want this to end.
But when I catch sight of my notebook sticking out of the back pocket of my jeans on the floor, my elation freezes.
The thought of telling my dad that I won’t be going home with him, that I can’t, that my life is here now, scratches away a piece of my contentment. The longer I wait to tell him, the worse it will be. I’ve played multiple scenarios in my head—one where he slowly comes to know me as Jane, one where he visits and eventually begins to love me for who I am, not who I was. Whether he can do this is his choice. I didn’t ask to be someone I’m not, and I won’t do that to him. But my life belongs somewhere else now.
I press my nose to Kieran’s shirt. Explaining what I’ve done—my past, my lies—won’t be easy, but I can’t focus on that right now. I came to Dublin to set Kieran free. Jane’s freedom can wait.
It seems that every time I think I know where life will take me, I’m reminded that I really know nothing. People surprise you. Nature surprises you. Life surprises you.
After a short drive outside of the city, Kieran pulls up to Dublin’s Weston Airport. Small planes are parked on the runway.
“It’s a private airport,” Kieran says as we pull in through the gates. “My father uses it when he brings his plane over from London.”
“You have a plane?” I try to keep my voice even.
Kieran lets out a light laugh. “He owns a plane. I borrow the smaller planes here to log practice hours.” He must see the surprise on my face, because he says, “Just because I can’t actually be a pilot doesn’t mean I don’t pretend sometimes. Perks of being a rich kid. Flying planes is an acceptable hobby.”
“Along with wrestling tigers.” I try to appear calm, though my insides are jumping.
“And spelunking.” Kieran winks at me.
“So when you said you were going to show me Dublin . . .”
“Don’t worry, Bunny, you’ll see Dublin today,” Kieran says. “You’ll just get a bird’s-eye view.”
My throat is beyond dry. Every time I swallow, it hurts. I manage to muster one word. “Grand.”
We park and get out of the car, Kieran leading the way to a small plane parked on the runway. As my peripheral vision blurs, the sharp nature of this punishment becomes all too real. This is penance for all my lies. I can’t blame Kieran. He doesn’t know what happened to me. Dishonesty has repercussions, and this is just one in what I am sure will be a long line of them. The alternative—telling the truth—would bring everything to an end.
I stretch out my shaking hands. “Kieran . . .”
He turns to me, his eyebrows raised. “Yeah, Bunny?”
I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes. My gaze drops to my shoes, the ones Stephen gave me weeks ago. I’ve walked as someone else for so long. How do I peel back the layers when, at the core, there’s nothing but a life I don’t remember?
Kieran steps closer to me. He brings his hand to my chin and lifts my face toward his. When his lips press to mine, I can feel the hunger in him, and at the same time, his restraint, only letting himself go so far. If it’s my responsibility to move closer, so be it. I’ll take it on gladly.
Kieran eventually brings his lips to my ear and whispers, “Is that what you needed, Bunny?”
Yes. And more.
“Tell me it’s going to be OK,” I say.
His nose comes to rest on mine. “I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you trust me?”
I nod, hypnotically. Kieran grabs my hand and pulls me toward the airplane. Any confession I had in mind leaves with the wind.
“You’re more likely to die in a car accident on the way to the airport than in a plane crash,” Kieran says casually.
I’m not sure what the likelihood is of being in another plane crash, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to find out. The luck of the Irish clearly isn’t on my side today.
We sit in the cockpit. The plane is only big enough for the two of us. Kieran messes with knobs and buttons as I sit with my hands knotted in my lap, trying to breathe through the anxiety. Kieran speaks into a radio, talking to someone on the other end, letting him know we’re preparing for takeoff. Then he turns to me. “I used to be desperately afraid of flying,” he says.
I blink slowly, my eyes starting to speckle with stars. “How did you get over it?”
“My father bought a plane and forced me to fly.” Kieran laughs to himself. “The pilot could see how scared I was, so he took me into the cockpit and showed me how everything works. Planes are built to fly. He said, ‘A plane would rather be in the air than on the ground.’ It made sense to me then.”
“Then why do they crash sometimes?”
Kieran says, gently, “Because no one and nothing is perfect. Mistakes happen, but I won’t make any today. OK?”
I nod tightly, and Kieran turns the ignition. The engine grumbles loudly as it starts, making me jump in my seat.
Kieran pushes the throttle forward, and the plane begins to taxi toward the runway. I close my eyes and try to settle my beating heart, but I can’t seem to calm down. I’m two seconds from jumping out of the plane and confessing all my sins when Kieran places a hand on my thigh.
I open my eyes to find him looking at me intently.
“I’ve checked and double-checked everything. Now, we’re going to move fast down the runway because I need the plane to be at a certain speed to get off the ground. Then we’re going to lift off into the air and ascend until we’re at five hundred feet.” He speaks to me the way he did when he taught me how to surf. Direct. Strong. Knowledgeable. His tone comforts me. “That’s when you’ll hear me retract the flaps. It’s going to make a noise, but don’t worry. Once we’re at a thousand feet, we’ll level off. I have to pull back on the engine. You’ll hear it slow down. It’s just me reducing the power.”
“And then what?” I say.
“And then we just fly.”
I sit back. The runway stretches in front of us.
Past the fear is freedom, I say to myself. At this point, there’s no choice. “Just do it.”
“Right.” Kieran presses the throttle forward, and the engine gets louder. We begin to move. “Remember to take off, you need speed.”
The plane gains momentum down the runway.
“Once I hit seventy-five miles per hour, we’re OK to lift off. Right now we’re at fifty . . . sixty . . .” I make fists with my hands and press them into my sides. I try to regulate my breathing, but it’s inconsistent and choppy. “Sixty-five . . . seventy . . . We’re almost there, Bunny. Are you ready?”
Am I ready? Am I ready to let go? Is that even possible? But the alternative is to hold on, letting fear rule my life, walking every day with a shadow over me, so that every time I look in the mirror, a piece of me is afraid of what I see. It’s allowing my past to rule my future.
I don’t want to live like that.
“I’m ready,” I say. Fear slowly creeps up my body, rising until it crests over my head and washes back down, sending chills along my spine and tingles to my toes.
The plane lifts off the runway and into the air, and I decide, right now, to leave my fear on the ground. My body becomes buoyant as we climb. The buoyancy filters all the way down into my heart.
“We’re at five hundred feet. Now, I’m going to retract the flaps.” Kieran’s eyes are focused on the vastness in front of us, calculating our movement through the air. My chest is no longer tight. It’s expansive, like the sky.
“Did you feel it? The rush?” I ask him.
Kieran smiles. “Every time.”
We get to our cruising altitude, one thousand feet. As the plane levels and Kieran pulls back on the throttle, I dare to glimpse out the window at what’s below. Dublin sprawling below us and out to the west, to the ocean. My nerves aren’t fully relaxed, but instead of being worried they might take control, they’re more of a comfort now—they give me a sense of being alive. This is the buzz Kieran seeks, the hum of adrenaline that makes you want to yelp with excitement.
The blue ocean sparkles in the sunlight, and to the east, the city is a tangled web of streets and buildings. Bridges extending from one side of the river to the other.
“What’s the name of the river?” I ask.
“The River Liffey,” he says.
“Right.” I make a mental note.
I see a gigantic round building that resembles a spaceship and ask him what it is.
“Aviva Stadium,” Kieran says.
“Have you been there?”
“Loads of times for Rugby matches and concerts.” He circles the plane around.
“Is it fun?”
Kieran grins wickedly. “What kind of fun are you talking about? Watching Rugby players bash into each other, or what we did last night?” I feel myself blush. “I will admit I’ve never had that kind of fun there . . . but there’s time to change that.”
Kieran’s cocky expression turns me inside out, but the view needs my attention for now. I notice his apartment building towering above the rest, and to the south, far off in the distance where the buildings become sparse and the rolling hills start again, a mountain comes into view.
“And that?”
“That’s Sugar Loaf.”
“Have you climbed it?”
“In the dark, with a twelve pack of beer.” He grins at the memory.
“Maybe we could climb it someday.”
Kieran nods. “If you’d like.”
He points out the Guinness factory and Dublin Castle and Grafton Street, adding that at this time of year, each of them is overrun with tourists. “We’re avoiding the crowd,” he says.
Taking the plane around again, he shows me the expansive grounds of Trinity College. It takes up a large portion of Dublin.
“Do you like going to school there?” I ask.
“I didn’t have a choice.” Kieran shrugs.
“If you did have a choice, would you have done something different?”
“I would have done a lot differently.” Kieran keeps his attention on the sky in front of us as he turns the plane. “I want to show you something else.”
We fly off the coast and over Dublin Bay. Kieran takes the plane north, away from the city, and starts to decrease our altitude. When the plane begins to descend, my stomach jumps.
“I just want to get a little lower so you can see well,” he says calmly.
“What am I looking for?”
“There are cliffs just outside of the city in Howth. When I was at school, I got in the habit of going there anytime life seemed . . . overwhelming.” Kieran’s eyes grow serious. “It’s gorgeous, but on a windy day, there’s no telling if you’ll make it back alive. It always made me feel better about my life when I walked away in one piece.”
The plane cruises along the coast until I see what Kieran is talking about. Steep cliffs of green line the ocean, the white foam of salt water crashing against them. The land is rugged and rolling, and the cliffs are sheer, jagged drop-offs straight down into the water below. Trails line the land, and I can see a few people out hiking.
“Will you take me on the cliff walk?” I ask.
“Sometime,” Kieran agrees.
“Tomorrow!”
The gleam returns to Kieran. “Only if you promise to hold my hand the entire time.”
I take it as an invitation to hold his hand now.
Kieran glances down at our interlaced fingers. “I think you’re braver than me, Bunny.”
“That’s impossible,” I say.
“You are. I’m sure of it.”
Eventually, Kieran turns the plane back toward the airport. “Weather’s coming in,” he says. “We’ll want to be back before the rain starts.”
Kieran talks me through the steps he takes to land the plane safely. My nerves spike again as the nose angles down toward the ground, but they don’t overwhelm me this time. The earth gets closer and closer, and when the wheels touch down, Kieran and I bounce in our seats, and I feel like I might burst with joy.
“You did it!” I yell. “We made it!”
Kieran taxis the plane back to where it was parked when we arrived and turns off the engine. But instead of climbing out, he stays in his seat, eyes on the control panels in front of him, his expression unreadable.
“What is it? Aren’t you happy?” I ask.
Kieran nods. “Yes. I’m happy.” But he’s not telling me all of it. “You need to know . . . I didn’t think this would happen when I saw you at the hospital. You were just so stubborn.”
“Stubborn? Me?” I smirk at him.
“You surprised the hell out of me, Bunny.”
I recall that Clive had an opinion about surprises. I place my hand on Kieran’s cheek and turn his face toward mine. “Surprises make the story interesting.”
Kieran takes my hand from his face and inspects it, running his fingers along mine and then inching his way up my arm, letting his fingertips inspect my skin. My stomach knots the higher his fingers travel.
“No scars,” he whispers. When his hand reaches my lower lip, his thumb traces the outline of my mouth.
“None that you can see from the outside.”
“And the ones I can’t see?” he asks. “What about those?”
The pulse between us is alive. I place my hand on top of Kieran’s. “They don’t matter anymore.”
In this moment, I’m desperate for the twisting of bodies, for us to lose our clothes and time and just collapse into each other. But a raindrop falls on the windshield. We both notice it.
Kieran’s hand falls from my face. “We better get going. The rain’s coming.”
Back at the apartment, rain slashes on the windows. It’s dreary outside, but inside, I’m still floating. The buoyancy of flying without fear has a lasting effect. I walk straight to the windows and start pointing out all the sites we saw today, my nose pressed to the glass.
“I can see Aviva Stadium from here.” I point south. “And Sugar Loaf!”
Below, the rain makes the canal murky and the rest of the city gray on gray. When I turn around, I find Kieran watching me with a keen eye.
“You impress me, Bunny.”
“Why? Because I can bake without a recipe?” I joke.
“Don’t do that. Don’t sell yourself short.” Kieran walks toward me. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” His fingers play with my purple hair. “With a somewhat impulsive side that can lead to reckless behavior.”
I touch Kieran’s face, the stubble on his chin. “You saved me.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I had good timing. You would have saved yourself, with or without me.”
Without me . . . The thought guts me. Kieran’s done so much for me. He’s challenged me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. When he says I’m strong, I believe it, but he helped expose that in me.
Life is a collaborative effort. We can’t do it on our own.
Kieran’s stomach growls, lightening the moment, and we laugh. An idea comes to me then.
“Stay here,” I say. I go to the closet and get a raincoat. “I’m going to the store.”
“Bunny, it’s pouring outside.”
“I won’t be gone long. There must be a place close by.”
“You’re crazy to go out in this. Just stay. We’ll order something.”
Kieran doesn’t understand what he did for me today, and while the extent of it has to remain hidden for now, I can offer something back to him, piece by piece. “Just tell me where the market is.”
“Three blocks down is a Tesco market.”
It isn’t far. I should be back shortly.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks.
I open the apartment door, determined and blissful. “Definitely.”
The rain hits me hard when I step outside of Millennium Tower. The air is cool, with a slight stench of dead fish coming off the water. I hug Kieran’s raincoat around me and make my way toward the Tesco.
The wind blows, spitting rain in my face as I cross the street and take the bridge across the canal. Even with the rain, the fresh air feels nice. I breathe it in, feeling alive, and even take off my hood and turn my face upward, smiling as the rain falls on my skin. I can’t help but revel in how far I’ve come. The streets of Dublin are laid out before me like a sign—I can choose any road to go down.
The bright lights of the Tesco are just two blocks ahead. I pick up speed, my hair now soaked, rain dripping from the ends. The gray clouds make it seem later in the evening than it really is, and the lights from the establishments seem even brighter.
I cross the last street, my destination in sight, but I stop as a vision catches my eye. The sign above the door says Dillon’s Pub. Inside, TVs are on. I look through the window, and in a single moment, the world starts spinning too quickly. Seeing myself on the TV screen is disorienting. I walk into the pub, any thought of food gone.
Andy comes on the TV. He’s standing in front of Paudie’s Pub, his cocky face taking up most of the screen.
“I knew I’d seen her somewhere before, and then it hit me!” Andy knocks the side of his head. “She’s that girl who survived the plane crash . . . just with purple hair! She even told me she was from Cleveland! She was hiding out in this boring town the whole time!” Andy holds up the picture he took of us, flashing it to the camera, a shit-eating grin on his face. “There she is—Lusty Lavender. My friends are gonna freak when they hear this.”
The screen flashes to a reporter standing along the beach in Waterville and holding an umbrella in the rain.
“The girl’s father and authorities have searched the town, but have yet to discover if Clementine Haas is still here. While Paul Haas has stayed quiet the month since his daughter went missing, we’ve just been informed that in a few minutes he will finally break his silence, making a public plea for his daughter’s safe return.”
I back into the door of the pub, causing a few people to turn. I bring my hood up immediately and walk out, numb all over. I can’t catch my breath. The rain continues to pour on me. I lean back against the wall as my new reality sets in. Everyone knows what I look like now. They know I was in Waterville. There’s nowhere to hide anymore. I can’t conceal who I am from . . . anybody.
My stomach rolls with nausea, and I almost throw up, but there’s nothing left in me.
I knew this might happen, but my bliss blinded me to it. As I drifted from the headlines, I didn’t think about the possibility that I’d be back on the front page. Waterville was supposed to be safe, but I’m not protected anywhere now. I should have known I couldn’t stay hidden forever. That at some point, my house of lies would come crashing down.
Back at Millennium Tower, the elevator takes me up to the tenth floor. I open the door to Kieran’s apartment, my saturated clothes hanging heavily on me. Kieran sits in the leather chair in the living room. He stands when I walk in.
My entire body hurts, inside and out, even the tears streaming down my face. I deserve this pain. You can’t avoid hurt. You’re only choice is to live through it.
“Bunny, what happened? What’s going on?” Kieran comes to me, taking the wet raincoat off while I stand like a statue, feeling like I’m cracking apart, one lie at a time.
“Ask me the question,” I say.
For a moment, Kieran is confused. Then he understands. “Truth or dare?”
There’s only one thing left to do. “Truth.”