I opened my eyes and then closed them again. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. Like I couldn’t think because all this white fluffy stuff was in the way. And my mouth—for the love of all that was holy in this world, I needed water.

I blinked again and saw the glass of water on the coffee table. I just needed to get up and reach for it. I sat up, noticed the trash can on the floor, and decided all I needed was the water and whatever two white pills Ellie had left out for me.

Ellie.

I started to put the pieces back together. The drive to the cabin. The drive back. I told her about Carol and…

I kissed her. It wasn’t like I was going to forget that. She’d pulled away. I remember that. Because I was drunk, she had said. Then nothing.

All things considered, it could have been worse. Awake now, I realized I smelled food. Sausage, which made my stomach grumble with hunger. Nothing like a greasy breakfast to work off a hangover.

I made my way to the kitchen to in fact find Ellie making me breakfast. It was strange the other day when I came down to find Carol… that had looked so wrong in my head.

I looked at the clock on the microwave and saw it was already eight a.m. Ellie had let me sleep off some of my hangover and now she was making me breakfast. I took this as a good sign.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad did I screw up last night?”

She whipped her head around. “Ten. You drove drunk! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen you do in my life. And while there would have been no other cars on the access road, you could have done something else to hurt yourself. Remember Janet last year? You were so pissed at her for doing that. It was not cool.”

I wiped my hands over my face and made my way to the fridge for more water. That first glass was only touching the surface of my thirst.

“You’re right. It was stupid. I don’t even know why I did it.”

That wasn’t exactly true. I did it because I wanted to not think about shit for five minutes. I forgot that sometimes when you get drunk you think about shit even more.

I had the idea that Ellie was cold and needed to come home, and in my drunken state I had to make that happen.

“Sit. I’ll feed you and you’ll feel better.”

Ellie was fussing over me. Ellie was taking care of me.

Because I broke up with Carol. Made sense. I was no longer hurting her.

I sat down and she filled my plate with half a pound of sausage, three eggs, and four pieces of toast. She set a jar of peanut butter in front of me and I went to town.

“Thank you,” I mumbled around a piece of toast. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was, and nothing tasted as good as hangover food.

“You’re welcome. I have to head out to the grocery store. A little food and a hot shower and I’m sure you’ll be as good as new.”

She was about to stand up when I reached across the table and caught her hand.

“I meant what I said the other day. If you want me to move to the bunk house, I will.”

She shook her head and I watched the sway of her ponytail.

Had I talked about her hair last night?

“You don’t have to move. We had a fight. I misunderstood the situation and you were upset. It’s over now. Behind us.”

“We’re good?”

She nodded.

I smiled. “Did I say anything really stupid last night?”

“Not too stupid, no.”

I don’t know why I said it. Maybe because she hadn’t brought it up.

“I know I kissed you.”

“You did. You were drunk, you didn’t know what you were doing. It’s fine. No harm, no foul. You’re on cleanup duty.”

She slipped her hand out from underneath mine and got up. I watched her pull her stuff together, and she was calling out bye, and the whole thing felt pretty surreal. Like what had happened the other day had been a fight and she was over it. As if my apology had actually worked.

Or it was because she knew Carol was no longer a thing, but somehow I didn’t think that was it. It was like she was resigned to something. Something only she knew and I didn’t.

I didn’t know that I liked that. I did know that I didn’t correct her when she said I didn’t know what I was doing when I kissed her.

I knew exactly what I was doing. I was allowing my drunkenness to give me a free pass. Every day was an exercise in not kissing Ellie. The booze gave me cover to give into my basic instincts.

My stomach filled, my plate clean, my head feeling better now that the pills were doing their thing, I got up and handled the dishes. It wasn’t until I was drying the counter where I had splashed some water that I noticed the scales.

The other day I had moved all ten disks on the left side.

Ellie had moved six to the right.

Not five.

Six.

For some reason that made me feel better than I had in weeks.

* * *

Later that night, I was putting away the dishes from dinner.

“You’re rocking those casseroles,” I told her. “If someone in this town dies, you’re going to have start coming up with what will be your I’m-sorry-someone-is-dead food.”

She chuckled. Weeks of the silent treatment. Weeks of her barely acknowledging me, and now I had made her chuckle.

I was a king.

I decided to push my luck.

“Hey, there’s another season of that show you really liked last year out on Netflix. Feel like binge watching?”

I waited. I didn’t realize I was also holding my breath.

“Sure. I’m not loving the book I’m reading right now.”

We got everything put away and we took our normal spots. Me, in the recliner, her on the couch. It felt a little bit like walking on eggshells. As if I made any sudden movements she might bolt.

Then the show started and everything seemed to fall into place.

I had my life back.

I had my wife back.

I glanced over at her, but her attention was on the show. Her hair was loose tonight and a sensory memory of me running my fingers through it was intense.

Mine.

I looked back at the screen and tried not to think about it. Tried not to wonder what she would do if I sat on the couch with her. With her body tucked up against me so I could bend down and smell her hair whenever I wanted to.

Shit, I was staring at her. I forced myself to look at the TV, but if she asked me what I thought about what I was watching I would have no clue.

She didn’t ask. Just popped up when the second episode was over and said goodnight.

Yes, something was different. We weren’t who we were pre-kiss. We weren’t who we were pre-Carol. We weren’t who we were during-Carol (Thank you God!).

We were something else now. I wasn’t necessarily sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but the next day when I took a break to grab lunch I saw another disk had been added to the right scale.

Seven.

Progress, I thought. But progress towards what?

* * *

“Hey, I’m heading to Pete’s.”

I looked up from the article I was reading in Montana Weekly on popular bull sperm donors. Yes, sometimes I spent way too much time focusing on bull sperm.

“Okay.”

It was homecoming. I knew Chrissy, Lisa, and Karen were all home this weekend.

“It’ll be good, you seeing your girls.”

She beamed. “I know. I’m excited.”

“You know not to do something as stupid as what I did last week.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You drink too much, call me and I’ll come pick you up.”

“I promise.”

I watched her leave and I tried not to stare too hard at her ass. She was wearing tight dark jeans and her cowboy boots. She’d curled her hair so it bounced around her shoulders.

Geezus, sometimes I forgot how freaking gorgeous she was.

She was going to be at a bar, looking like that. I didn’t want to think about it.

I went back to reading my article but the words ran together. I got up and decided I needed a shower. Something to do so I wasn’t thinking about her out with the girls while every guy at Pete’s ogled her.

Okay, not every guy. There would be some who had known Ellie her whole life who wouldn’t look at her that way. Like I had up until a year ago.

Fuck.

I turned the hot water on and I thought about maybe heading to Pete’s myself. I didn’t have to hang out with her. I could just be there. That way she would know if she wanted to let loose a little I would have her back. She wouldn’t have to be worried about calling me.

That was a solid plan. Done with the shower, I got out, dried myself off, splashed on some cologne. A birthday present from Ellie this summer. Did I consider the fact that I was picking out what I knew was her favorite shirt to wear?

No.

Okay yes, but I was in denial about it so it didn’t matter.

I jogged down the stairs and grabbed my good coat (another present from Ellie), not my working coat, off the hook.

As I got into my truck, I paused for a second.

Was this creepy? Was I going all stalker on her?

No, I thought. It was Friday night. I could head into town for a beer. And if I was there to give her a ride home, no big deal.

We were cool now. She had seven disks on the right side of the scale.

Except as I drove into town and pulled up to park on the street near Pete’s, the doubts came back. I didn’t want to hone in on her night. She hadn’t seen her friends since they went off to college. I didn’t want her to think I was shadowing her or something.

I should probably go home. I didn’t think she would like it if I was there. Just as I turned the engine on my phone rang. I reached for it thinking it might be her, thinking she might actually be calling me to join her.

Except it wasn’t her name on the screen. It was Chrissy’s.

My gut clenched. “Chrissy, what is it?”

“Jake, something is wrong I think. Ellie only had one glass of wine, but she started acting really weird. Like really weird and I just came back from the bathroom and I can’t see her. The place is packed, but still she wouldn’t have just left me. I tried to call her, but she’s not picking up.”

I could see that. The parking lot was full. Cars lined the street.

“Do you know who gave her the wine?”

“Bobby bought all of our drinks.”

I didn’t need to hear anymore. “You keep looking for her and you text me the second you see her. I’ll be right there.”

I was turning off the engine and calling Ellie at the same time. Then I was out of my truck, running down the street to Pete’s.

Ellie didn’t pick up. I stopped long enough to text her.

Get away from Bobby now!

Doug was sitting outside of Pete’s, acting as the bouncer.

“Hey, Jake. Place is packed. I don’t think I can let any more people in tonight. Homecoming. You know how it is.”

“Doug, I’ve got to get in there. Ellie might be in trouble.”

“Oh shit. Yeah, no problem. Just muscle your way through.”

Hold on, Ellie. Just hold on.

* * *

Something was not right. I knew that. I could feel it. I was sipping my wine. Slowly, because I could only have two glasses, because I was not going to do anything as asinine as drive drunk.

But I wasn’t halfway through it and already I felt like I was trashed.

Or not exactly. Just like I couldn’t think. But at the same time I felt so good. Like the best I had ever felt. I was hanging with my girls, and Bobby was there. He’d offered to buy us our first round.

Lisa didn’t even seem to mind despite the fact he’d jerked her around a lot back in high school.

He gave us our drinks. I was the only one who ordered wine. Naturally. And he seemed pretty normal for a while. Simply hanging with us. Then I had this crazy urge to touch him so I reached out to stroke his arm and I thought it was really hard.

“You have hard arms,” I told him. Actually I shouted it at him. The place was packed with people. I could barely hear myself.

“Thank you,” he shouted back.

“Jake also has hard arms.”

“Thanks for sharing.”

Then Lisa and Karen went to play pool. Chrissy went to the bathroom and it was me and Bobby. I was weaving a little bit on my stool. Bobby put his arm around my waist to steady me. I put my empty wine glass on the bar and it toppled over. Would have broken if it hadn’t been made with such thick glass.

“Want another one?” Bobby asked. Close in my ear so I could hear him.

I was planning on two. That’s what I told myself coming in to tonight. I could have that and still be okay to drive home. But the way I felt now, there was no way I was driving. I needed to call Jake.

“No. I don’t think so. I feel really…”

Not drunk. Not like I was out of my head. More like I was out of my body. The press of people around me felt like it was all too much.

“Yeah, I can see you don’t look so hot. It’s too crowded in here. Let me take you out back to get some air.”

Air. Cool air on my face and skin. Yes, that was exactly what I wanted.

“But I can’t leave Chrissy.”

“I’ll text her. Let her know I’ve got you. Karen and Lisa are still here.”

That was true. I needed the air so very desperately. Bobby helped me off the stool and I caught myself before almost falling. His arm was around me, and that felt good. I had this longing to touch every part of him, which was crazy because I had never wanted to touch Bobby MacPherson. Ever.

We may have called a truce, but it was not like I was interested in him. Despite what Jake said about him having a thing for me. Although I might be more inclined to be grateful if I could get some air. The crush of people as we moved through the crowd was disturbing, because in some ways I hated it and in other ways I liked the contact.

He was guiding me down the narrow hall where the doors to the bathroom were, and I could see the door at the end with the exit sign over it. Yes, that’s what I wanted. To be gone. To be able to breathe. To shake this crazy feeling in my head like I was flying so high. Higher than I ever wanted to fly.

Bobby pushed the door open and there it was. I tilted my head back and breathed in as deeply as I could. As if I hadn’t been able to breathe at all and suddenly there was all this oxygen. I teetered a few steps and pressed my back up against the brick wall which was the back of Pete’s. There was a light attached to the wall that was shining, then suddenly it went dark.

“Why did it go dark?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

The next thing I knew, Bobby was trying to kiss me. His lips were on me and I could feel his tongue trying to press into my mouth. I lifted my arms to push him away, but he was too heavy.

“Bobby, no!”

I think I said that. I tried to say that. But I didn’t want to open my mouth. I turned my head away from him and he started sucking on my neck.

“Stop. No.”

“Come on. You know you want this. You’re begging for it.”

Begging for it? Hardly. “Seriously, stop. This is not cool.”

I tried pushing him again, but he was like this wall that wouldn’t move. Then he was spinning me, so that my cheek was pressed against the rough brick.

“I know you want it. I’ve seen your toys.”

I was trying to make sense of what he was saying. But I could not fucking control my brain. He pulled my hips back against his and then I felt his hands on the buttons of my jeans. I bucked against him hard and that moved him away a little.

“See, you’re like a bitch in heat,” he laughed. “I’ll make this so fucking good for you.”

“No!”

Not this. This was not happening. I was not about to lose it to Bobby MacPherson behind Pete’s bar when I didn’t want this to happen. I should have done it with Jake when he was drunk. That would have been better than this.

Jake. God, he was going to be so mad at me.

“Jake!”

“Jake’s not here,” Bobby growled in my ear. “I am.”

Then he was tugging off my jeans, or trying to, when I heard a crash. I turned my head toward the sound. The back door had popped open and there was Jake. Like I had somehow summoned him. He was this amazing superhero who I could see from the light pouring out from the bar behind him.

“Help.” I don’t know if he heard me. It didn’t matter.

Abruptly the weight Bobby had been using to hold me in place was gone. I turned around to see him running, and then Jake was tearing after him. Chrissy, who had followed Jake out of the door, came over to me.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Are you okay?”

No. I was shaking. I tugged up my jeans and buttoned them back up. I looked to where Jake had gone after Bobby. Jake had caught him fairly quickly and now he was very clearly beating the shit out of Bobby.

“Help me. We have to stop him.”

“Uh…I don’t think we’re going to stop Jake.”

“We have to stop him, Chrissy!” I started to run but my legs felt like noodles so it was more like stumbling. I got close enough to hear the sound of Jake’s fist impacting with Bobby’s face.

“Stop!”

“What the fuck did you give her?” Jake screamed at him.

“Fuck you,” Bobby groaned. “She wanted it.”

Jake hit him again and blood spurted out of Bobby’s nose.

“Jake, stop…”

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE HER?”

Except this time Bobby couldn’t answer, not with his mouth filled with blood.

“Jake.” I couldn’t stand anymore. I could feel myself falling, my ass hitting the gravel hard, even as my hands tried to brace my fall. Chrissy tried to help me up, but I was too heavy for her.

“You are fucking going to jail for this, you little shit,” Jake told Bobby, who was now crumbled in the fetal position in the dirt, moaning.

At least he was still alive. I didn’t think Jake would get in trouble for hitting Bobby, but if he had actually killed him I’m pretty sure that would have been bad. Then Jake was bending over to help pull me up. I managed to get to my feet, but he lifted me into his arms.

This was much better.

“Chrissy, you go back inside and stay with Karen and Lisa. I’ll make sure Doug knows what to do with Bobby.”

We didn’t go back through the bar. Instead he walked me around the outside of the two buildings that were connected. I was grateful. I couldn’t have handled going back inside. Jake carrying me in his arms, everyone knowing what Bobby almost did to me. What he seriously almost did to me. I started crying, and even doing that my brain still felt wrong.

Jake got me settled in his truck to the point of fastening my seat belt. That’s how out of it I was. Then he was gone—for how long I couldn’t tell, but each minute was this tiny agony without him.

Finally, he was back and the relief was palpable.

“Okay, listen to me, Ellie. We’re going to have to go to the urgent care.”

“Noooo,” I cried. “Home.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I want them to get a blood sample now, while it’s still in your system.”

Gosh, needles really? After I was almost… I couldn’t even form the word in my mind. If I did, then it would have made it too real. While I was still in this hazy reality, I could pretend it was all a dream.

Jake being Jake, there wasn’t a choice. He drove me to the clinic and carried me inside. I told him I thought I could walk, but he wasn’t having it. Fortunately, it was empty except for Dr. Jenkins and Mary, who recently graduated from nursing school. Technically she wasn’t a nurse yet because she hadn’t passed the boards, but in Riverbend she was considered good enough.

They led Jake, who still wouldn’t put me down, to one of the two exam rooms and I sat on the edge of the examination table. Mary was nice. She didn’t say much. She cleaned up my palms, which I had scraped when I fell.

Dr. Jenkins shone a light in my eyes and asked me to try and describe how I felt.

“Sort of euphoric. Dreamy a little, too. Like I need physical contact, except I’m not a touchy kind of person. It’s so strange.”

It was the best I could come up with. Jake and the doctor were talking to each other, but I couldn’t follow what either was saying.

Then I felt the prick of the needle and winced while Jake held my hand. I thought it was over, but the worst part came when Dr. Jenkins quietly asked Jake if they needed to take a rape kit.

“No! It didn’t happen. He just…undid my jeans.”

Mary was rubbing my back, and again I started to bawl even though it still felt wrong.

“You’ll have that tested,” Jake told Dr. Jenkins. “That prick is going to jail for this.”

Then Jake was lifting and carrying me again until I was back in the truck.

I didn’t say anything for the ride home. Clear thoughts were still hard. But by the time we were home, I felt a little more normal. I was able to get out of the truck and up the stairs of the porch without Jake, even though he was right behind me.

I didn’t stop or say anything. I wasn’t sure what Jake’s mood was like. If he was mad at me because I hadn’t followed the rules about making sure I kept my eyes on my glass when I was at a bar.

But it was Bobby. He was… Bobby from high school. He’d been mean to me that one time and then he apologized. Beyond that, and knowing Jake didn’t like him, I didn’t think much about him at all.

Now I probably wouldn’t forget him, which just seemed wrong.

I went through the normal nightly ritual. Changed into my pajama bottoms and tank top. Pulled my hair back and washed my face. Brushed my teeth. Went back to my room and sat on the bed.

Jake knocked on my door and I told him to come in. He had the entire Brita water container in his hand along with a glass.

“Drink this,” he said, handing me the full glass. “The doc said it was probably Molly. The more water you drink, the more it will help to flush it out of your system. When you finish that glass, drink another.”

I nodded.

“You want me to stay with you? I can sleep on the floor.”

I nodded.

He left then and a few minutes later he came back wearing the pajama bottoms I got him for Christmas last year, which looked like he’d just taken them out of the package, and a T-shirt. He had a bunch of pillows and a blanket, which he spread out on the floor next to my bed.

I got under the covers and lay down, but I didn’t think I would sleep. I liked that Jake was close. I liked that I could hear him breathing. I wanted him on the bed with me. I still had this crazy urge to touch and be touched, and there was no one else I wanted to be touched by.

“Jake?”

“Yes, baby.”

Baby. That was new. That was him trying to be gentle with me.

“Can you hold me for a while?”

It felt like it took a thousand years before he finally said, “Okay.”