It was freeing. Being with Carol was like being released from a cage I hadn’t known I had locked myself into. This was what it was like to have simple feelings. This was what it was like to act on them.

It had been so damn long I had forgotten.

She had come out to the farm again for another ride. I asked her if she wanted to get lunch in town. She said yes. So easy. Like riding a bike.

We were having lunch at Frank’s, not in the booth where I usually sat with Ellie, but another one along a different wall. Kathy may or may not have given me an odd look when she turned the corner and realized I wasn’t here with Ellie.

Another positive thing about Carol. She was the statement Ellie had wanted to make to everyone. She was the signal that said to all the citizens of Riverbend that our marriage was still platonic and in name only.

That I had never taken advantage of Ellie and that I still wasn’t.

Carol was two years older than me, a professional working vet, and exactly the type of woman I had always imagined I would be with.

Okay, so maybe I did have a type.

Anyway, we fit better than Ellie and I did in many different ways, and it was easy for anyone looking at us to see that.

This way all the gossip about me and Ellie could be shut down once and for all. Yep. This was a win-win for everyone all the way around.

“Uh hello, Jake?”

I focused my attention on Carol. “I’m sorry, I drifted there. What did you ask?”

“How long have you been doing the insemination program?”

“The last four years. I had to convince Sam first. Ellie’s father. He was pretty old school about things. Thought that cows bred from insemination couldn’t possibly taste as good as cows that came from Mother Nature.”

She laughed, maybe a little too much, and put her hand on mine. “That is so funny.”

Was it? It didn’t matter. She could touch me all she wanted. No harm, no foul. No guilt.

No. Fucking. Guilt.

It was heavenly.

“Anyway, we’ve been expanding the program each year. This year in particular because we took such a loss with the storm, wanted to get the most bang for the buck in bull sperm.”

“How bad was it? The storm?”

I had a flash of stumbling upon Ellie in the snow. Not awake. Nearly frozen to death. I forced it out of my head.

“Bad. It was bad.”

She made a noise that I guess was supposed to be sympathy. Like she understood when she couldn’t possibly. But it wasn’t like I was going to touch on my relationship with Ellie with the woman I was currently on a date with.

“What about you? How long are you in town for?”

She shrugged. “I’m helping my aunt out for a while. But probably not too long. Eventually I have get back to work.”

“Where do you call home?”

She smiled and did her head tilt thing. I knew she traveled with her job a lot. She was essentially a contracted vet who could work anywhere in the country. Small rural communities mostly, where large animal vets were needed desperately.

“I have an apartment in Denver, but I’m rarely there. I should give it up, while I’m with this job, but it’s the thought of moving everything into storage until I finally settle on a place that bothers me. I like my stuff. Even though I only get to see it occasionally, I like knowing it’s there.”

“I hear you.”

Carol talking about her stuff made me think of the scales. The scales I had given Ellie for her birthday that had sat on the kitchen counter ever since. Five and five. For months now.

After I had given them to her, when she’d recorded her first ten day, she used to change them every day.

Right was the good side, she’d explained. Left was the bad side.

She had nines and eights. She had twos and threes. She once told me day one of her period was a guaranteed four and the day could only get worse from there.

Information I hadn’t wanted at the time, but I made a mental note when the right side was below five to be a little more sympathetic.

Then after the kiss, it stopped. Five. Always five.

“This is fun, being out with you,” Carol said with a shy smile.

She had no idea. This was sheer and utter bliss. I wasn’t thinking about anything beyond her pretty hair, her pretty face, her pretty lips.

“Soooo… can I ask about your marriage?”

I tightened a little bit. “What do you want to know?”

“You’re really married, but not married?”

“Platonic. Platonic I think is the word you’re looking for. And yes. Ellie and I are… friends.”

I paused. Why did I pause?

“That’s got to be tough. For you I mean. For her too, when you think about it. And it’s really okay that we’re out like this? I don’t want to cause any kind of trouble for you.”

“No trouble at all.”

She smiled then. “Okay. Then this is the part where I say I like you, Jake Talley. You intrigue me.”

“Can I take you out for dinner then?”

Her smile flashed even brighter. “That would be a definite yes. I have to confess it’s been a really long time since I’ve done anything like this. I broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago. Let’s just say that trying to meet new people when I’m only in a place for a few weeks at a time is a… challenge. You know what I mean?”

It took me a second to process what she said. She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago. She hadn’t been on a date since.

Which probably meant she was as hard up as I was.

“I’m sorry,” she chuckled and then reached for my hand again. I liked that she kept touching me. “Oh my gosh, did that seem forward of me? I didn’t mean to be so…blunt.”

“No, that’s fine. I get where you’re going.”

See? This was even better. Carol was NOT a virgin. She was like an anti-virgin. A sexy mature woman who I think was telling me I could tap that if I wanted to.

A man, who had been trapped like I had been in the stickiest situation imaginable for months, couldn’t have dreamed a better solution to the problem than Carol.

“You’re honest,” I said. “I like that. I’m looking forward to getting to know you. Taking our time.”

I turned my hand and our fingers linked together. I didn’t think about how odd it looked. I was making sure I was on full charm.

She smiled. “Time, huh? Let me guess, you’re a guy who wants to be wooed.”

I smiled at the word. “I do like to be wooed. Possibly even seduced.”

“Seduced? Oh, now I get it. You don’t put out for just anyone.”

“Only when I like someone.”

It was the truth. Carol wasn’t going stay in town permanently, but she was going to be here for a while. So this wasn’t like my one-and-done weekend to Missoula. This could be a nice little affair for a couple of weeks. If that was going to be the case, we didn’t have to rush anything.

“Okay. Fair enough. I like that you want to take things slow. It’s very old fashioned of you.”

“Not too slow,” I said. “I don’t want you to think I’m a tease.”

“Thank God!”

We finished our lunch and I gave her a small peck on the cheek. Again, no need to rush anything. I told her I would need to check and see what the best night was for dinner. She was heading back to her aunt’s. It occurred to me I hadn’t thought to ask who that was. A town this small and I probably knew the woman.

I needed to head over to the post office before heading back to the ranch, so I left the truck at Frank’s and walked on foot.

I opened the door and grimaced when I saw Bobby. I wasn’t even really sure why. He’d done the solid thing and had apologized to Ellie. I even knew about the issues with his parents. Still, it had been the language he’d used when I had talked to him last year. The way Bobby had talked about me screwing Ellie.

I felt it. In my bones. That’s who Bobby was. The civil Bobby, the one who apologized and offered to buy beers—that Bobby had an agenda.

“Bobby,” I said nodding.

“Jake.”

That was it. It was clear Bobby was putting something together to be shipped. He was taping up a box pretty soundly. Maybe sending some of his dad’s things to Jefferson. Rumor was Mrs. MacPherson wouldn’t let Mr. MacPherson back in the house.

I moved around him to the counter. It was a small post office, like anything else in Riverbend, and only had what a person needed.

“Hank,” I said. “There should be a package for me.”

I had ordered a new type of insemination device. Basically I had been using what amounted to a turkey baster, but this new thing was something Don had recommended that I wanted to try. Anything remotely exotic when it came to ranch equipment had to be ordered online. It had been a few days and I had to think it would be here by now.

Sure enough, Hank was walking back with a box that looked to be the right size. I didn’t even think about it. I took the box and assumed it was what I had ordered. There was a pair of scissors on the table where Bobby was finishing up. I took them and cut the tape and split the box down the middle. I was anxious to see what it looked like.

I opened the flaps of the box and maybe the pink should have given something away. Something that would have made me stop.

But I was so certain of what it should have been that when I pulled the pink box out of the larger box, I froze.

I heard Bobby snorting, then full-on laughing.

I shoved back what had clearly been a female sexual device, and covered it with the packing paper.

“Guess that’s proof enough you’re not fucking her.”

My face was without doubt as red as it had ever been, but as I looked over at Bobby, who was still snickering, suddenly the embarrassment was gone, replaced by anger.

“Shut your fucking mouth.”

“Poor Ellie is so desperate she needs toys now. Why don’t you just put her out of her misery? Oh wait. I forgot. Didn’t I just see you out on a date with someone else?”

I moved toward him and he had the good sense to take a step back. “I was right,” I said. “All that shit about growing up was a cover for what you really want and can’t have. Someday you will figure it out, Bobby. You are nowhere near good enough for Ellie. Deal with it.”

I took the box and shoved it under my arm. I stormed to my truck and tossed the box onto the other seat, realizing the whole time I was going to have to go home and tell Ellie I opened her freaking dildo in front of Bobby MacPherson.

I had a suspicion that was not going to go well.

* * *

“You what!” I screamed at him even as I took the box he was holding out.

“It was an accident. I didn’t intend to… I thought it was this new inseminator I ordered.”

I looked down at the open box. “It has my name right there. RIGHT THERE!”

At least he had the decency to look ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to look. And there is something else…”

I closed my eyes. “Oh god, tell me you weren’t with Carol.”

“I wasn’t with Carol. I picked it up after our lunch.”

I glared at him. The way he said it so casually.

Our lunch.

Their date. Like those words weren’t soul destroying. Except of course he didn’t really know what they were doing to me, because I was putting on a brave face. That was me. Ellie the Brave. All crying was saved for late at night under the covers and in the shower.

At this point I didn’t even care what he said. He was officially dating Carol, and nothing really mattered. I didn’t even want the damn toy anymore. It’s not like I could imagine kissing Jake to work up any arousal. Not when I knew he was kissing someone else.

Had he kissed her? Like he’d kissed me. Had it felt the same way? Was it always like that for him? He said it had been intense between us. Was it intense with Carol?

Oh god, I couldn’t stand this feeling. I had to find some way to stop thinking about him.

“What?” I asked snapping at him. “What is worse than you opening my dildo in public?”

He couldn’t even look at me when he said it. “Bobby MacPherson was there.”

“Shoot me now.”

“Look. It’s embarrassing. It was embarrassing for me too. But he said some shit… I’m telling you, I’m right about this guy. I want you to be careful around him.”

“Because he has a thing for me.”

“Yes.”

“So stay away from the guy who actually wants to hook up with me. That’s not the greatest strategy in the world for losing my virginity.”

He winced, and that felt good. Hurting him a little felt really good. Which was awful I knew, but he had no idea what he was doing to me.

“Don’t get squeamish, Jake. That is my end game. It’s why I bought the damn thing in the first place. I’m having a hard time with… well… it doesn’t matter. I’m saying a girl should practice when she’s getting ready for the main event.”

His head snapped up. “Are you dating someone?”

“Why would you care?”

“Ellie, if you’re dating someone… if you’re thinking of having sex with someone…”

“Condoms. I know.”

He winced again.

“I meant to say that if you’re seeing someone, I should know who he is.”

“Oh right.” I laughed, but it sounded harsh. “So you can give him the classic Jake stare-down. Like you did with Riley last year. Like you did with Bobby on graduation night. Trust me when I tell you, you will never know the name of the first guy I fuck. I’ve learned my lesson.”

That was a direct missile to his gut. I actually saw it land. This time he didn’t wince. It was like his whole body shuttered.

“I thought we were friends,” he said, as if he was asking himself and not me.

I swallowed. We were friends. But I was in too much pain because of him, and it was really hard to be in pain and not want to inflict some back. Two people inflicting pain on each other could not be friends.

“I get it, Jake. You want to be with Carol and you want me to be with some guy, who you approve of course, so that we can go back to the way things are. That is a fantasy you have. It’s not reality. We can never go back. Only forward. Whatever we’re going to be, we’re only going to know what that is going forward.”

He closed his eyes. “I’m trying so hard to do the right thing.”

I walked by him and patted him on the shoulder. “I know you are. I know. You’re a good guy, Jake. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”

I left him and took my sex toy upstairs, shoving it under the bed, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.

Forward. That’s what I had told him. I couldn’t see what that looked like, but I didn’t think if we kept doing this to each other, hurting each other, that it would be very friendly at all.