You know how stuff can just happen to you one day? You’re going along with your life, and everything is fine if not great, but you’re still moving. One foot in front of the other.

My scales were constantly set to five and five. Nothing was either good or bad, they just were.

Jake and I were mostly doing okay. There was tension yes, but there wasn’t anger. At least not on my part. I don’t think on his part either.

Then one day I was pulling the truck into the portico next to the house and I noticed a strange car in the driveway. I made my way into the house, but it was empty. Out to the barn, but it too was empty. That was strange. Not that it was empty. Jake could be off anywhere doing anything, but if someone had come for a visit where would they go?

I wandered out from the barn down to the pen, and that’s when I saw them. Jake and a woman were standing on the fence, and Jake was pointing out various different calves.

She was young, thin, and blonde. Super blonde. His preferred type. And she appeared to be laughing at everything Jake said.

Jake was not that funny.

I put away the feeling in my chest and did the grown-up thing. I headed out to meet them. When they saw me they both hopped down off the fence. She was wearing dark skintight jeans that wouldn’t last a day working a ranch, these adorable cowboy boots, and some cool light coat I would have no idea where to even think about buying.

I hated her immediately.

“Hey, Ellie, we were just talking about you.”

Were they?

“Ellie, this is Carol. She’s a travel vet staying with her family in town for a while. Carol, this is Ellie.”

“His wife.” Okay. I know I said that too loudly. Then I tried to cover it up with a stupid joke. “Yep, the old ball and chain.”

“Hi Ellie.” Carol stretched out her hand, and so I had to take it. Shake it. Let it go. “I didn’t think you guys were really married.”

“We’re not,” I said quickly. Too quickly. “That’s just my little joke.”

“Yeah, it’s hysterical,” Jake said.

“I heard…” Carol said, “that Jake married you after your dad died to save you from having to go to a foster home.”

Yep. That was the story. Good old Jake.

“Which is very cool you would do that,” she told Jake. A soft smile playing around her lips.

Wow. This was happening. Actual flirting was happening in front of me.

“So what brings you out to Long Valley?” I asked.

Did you hear in town there was a married but not really married hot guy out here and decide to give it a shot?

I, of course, did not ask her that question.

“Oh, I was at the Simmons ranch down in Colorado and heard about what Jake was doing with his different breeding techniques. I knew I was going to be in town and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sort of a geek about that kind of stuff.”

I nodded. Don Simmons was rancher in Colorado that Jake emailed frequently as the two men were both enthusiasts when it came to cow breeding.

“Don gave me his information and I emailed Jake to see if it was okay that I stop by to check out his operation.”

“I told you about this,” Jake said to me.

He told me about this? He told me Carol, the hot vet, was coming to the ranch to flirt with my husband?

I tried to think back. Then I remembered. A vet from Colorado was coming. He would have known she was a woman. He couldn’t have known how pretty she was.

“Well, what do you think?” I asked her.

“It’s really amazing. Especially knowing what you guys suffered last spring.”

“Yep, Jake has a really high birth rate on his insemination program. He knows how to work the ladies, if you know what I mean.”

Wow, another really bad joke.

“Well,” Carol coughed. “I don’t want to take up any more of your day. Thanks for letting me come check it out, Jake.”

“You said you wanted to ride out and see the property,” Jake reminded her.

She tilted her head and smiled at him. “Another time?”

“Sure.”

I wanted to vomit.

“Really nice meeting you, Ellie.”

I hope you fall into a ditch on your way home and die, bitch.

I, of course, did not say that. That was awful of me really. I wasn’t that person.

“You too, Carol. Definitely come back and Jake can show you the land and the full operation.”

“Great. See you both around.”

She left, her butt swinging from left to right as she did. I didn’t have it in me to look to see if Jake was watching her go. Instead I said, “I’ve got a bunch of supplies in the truck I’m going to need help with.”

“Yep.”

We took care of emptying the truck and went about the rest of our day.

* * *

Later that night I was sitting on the couch thinking about what I wanted to watch for TV when Jake came in and sat in the chair closer to the TV. It had been his turn to clean up from dinner.

“What are we watching?”

“There’s this new show on Netflix that’s supposed to be awesome.”

He nodded his chin as if that was fine by him. I started the show, and as the opening credits came on I couldn’t not say what I had been choking down my throat all afternoon.

“So Carol seemed nice.”

“Hmm.”

See, that was how it started. A hum. A small sound that acknowledged what I said was true without actually agreeing with me.

“Pretty, too. Definitely your type.”

“I don’t have a type,” he grumbled.

“You so have a type, Jake.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m just saying it’s okay to admit you thought she was attractive.”

“Ellie, what’s this about?”

Right. Another excellent strategy. Make this about me. I’m thick. I’m stupid. I didn’t see what I clearly saw.

I stood then and faced him. “Can we not do that thing?”

He sighed. “What thing?”

“The thing where we lie to each other.”

“I’m not…” He stopped himself. “She was cute.”

Cute. The word felt like this little pinprick. It hurt, but it wasn’t so bad.

What I didn’t know was that pinprick was going to turn into a gutting. But that would come later.

The key to this moment was understanding guy speak.

If he’d said she was hot, well, hot meant a girl was hot, but you didn’t particularly think you had a shot with her. There weren’t many girls Jake didn’t have a shot with, but still.

Hot could also mean she was blatantly sexual. Sometimes with blatant sexuality, men liked to look at it but it didn’t necessarily mean they wanted to hit that. For some the blatant sexuality was actually a turnoff to guys who preferred their women a little more demure.

Jake didn’t say Carol was hot.

If Jake had said she was attractive…he would have never said that. Attractive was too clinical of a word for him. And beautiful was too over the top.

(See, this is me not remembering the time he once casually referred to me as beautiful.)

No, Jake said Carol was cute.

Cute to Jake meant he thought she was hot and that he had a shot. That she wasn’t just some sex object, but rather someone worth getting to know. To see if his attraction for her was something he wanted to pursue.

Carol was cute.

At least he hadn’t lied to me.

“I totally agree.”

“Can we stop talking about this?”

“You bet.” I walked back to the couch and grabbed the remote. I tossed it to him and smiled when it landed on his lap hard when he wasn’t expecting it. “I changed my mind. I think I’m going to head up early. I’m really tired.”

“I thought you wanted to watch this show on Netflix.”

“You go ahead, I’ll catch up. Night Jake.”

“Night Ellie.”

* * *

I was rubbing down Petunia in the barn when I heard them. Sure enough, two days later Carol had made good on her promise to return, and Jake offered to take her out for a ride around the property.

They both, of course, asked me to come.

Because I was the cool marriage of convenience wife, I said no.

I had to, right? I had to let him have this. He’d said we couldn’t be a thing. He’d said it would hurt too much later when it all ended. Which meant I was free to pursue other relationships, so he was too.

I was doing the upright thing. I was doing the fair thing.

I hated every minute of it. I was jealous as shit and mad at him for making me feel this way. But I couldn’t deny him this opportunity.

They were coming back down around the pen, laughing about something. I cut Petunia’s grooming short and walked her back to her stall with a silent promise to make up for my halfhearted attempt later this week.

I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I didn’t want to see the mutual attraction thing going on. I didn’t want to hear anything that would be really awful.

As I made my way out of the barn I could see them dismounting. Jake was helping her off Isabella, but it was clear to see Carol knew what she was doing on a horse. No jerking, no sudden movements.

Then I looked at Jake and what I saw there nearly ended me. He was smiling. Really smiling for the first time in… I couldn’t remember when. He looked so free and easy, it was only then I saw how much the tension between the two of us impacted him. Like around me he was constantly holding in his breath and sucking in his gut and now, with Carol, he was finally able to breathe.

I had done that to him. I had made him tight and cautious because I had done this stupid thing and kissed him.

I looked away. It hurt too much. I made my way inside and I didn’t look back at them again.

* * *

We were eating dinner and it was awful. I had been sullen and bitchy all night and he wasn’t calling me out for it at all. He was simply dealing with my mood like it didn’t bother him. Quietly eating the food I made for him without comment.

“So are you going to ask her out? Or should I say have you asked her out already?”

I heard his fork clank against his plate. With a little more force than if he’d placed it down.

I had to know. I couldn’t stand around waiting to see something or hear something or suddenly have him announce her to me as his girlfriend. This wasn’t like Janet. Janet was a known commodity. They had been dating before our marriage. Before we were anything.

Carol was new. A brand new person he met, who he thought was cute, who he spent two days hanging out with on my ranch.

“Ellie…”

“I want to know. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. I’m not saying anything. Although it seems to me she was awfully sure that our marriage wasn’t a real one when she came out to the ranch to meet you. It’s one thing to hear a rumor in town and just take it for granted that you know the situation on the ground.”

“Ellie...”

“Just tell me. Have you asked her out yet?”

“I haven’t.”

I nodded.

Then it came. The knife slash right up the middle.

“Yet.”

“Hookay.”

Slowly I got up and took my plate to the sink. Gingerly, as if I really had been cut with a sharp knife. Fuck this hurt. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Then suddenly I was numb and I wasn’t feeling anything at all.

I rinsed my plate off but I knew I had to get out of there. Knew I couldn’t look at him again. Except it was my turn to do the dishes. Fuck the dishes.

“I’ll clean up later. I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Ellie…” He was up and out of his chair. I could hear the scrape of it as he bounced up and reached out to grab my arm. “Listen to me.”

I tried to pull my arm back. I didn’t want him to touch me, but he wouldn’t let go. It’s like he wasn’t done with whatever awful thing he wanted to say to me.

“I heard what you said. We don’t have to talk about this. You’re free to date whoever you want. I am too, for that matter.”

“Just… I know this is weird. I know things haven’t been… easy… between us. But I’m thinking this might actually help. If we stay in this kind of rut, then it’s only going to get harder… you know what I’m saying? But if we snap this… thing… and I take Carol out, it could be better. It could normalize things. Like how we used to be.”

He was rambling, and I didn’t get much, but what I did get was that he thought taking Carol out was not only a great idea for him. But for me too. That I should fully support him because it was going to make things easier between us.

That’s how he was justifying this.

He used the word snap. It was a good word. To snap something was to break something. That was exactly how I felt.

Broken.

In a way it was like when he’d rejected me. That had hurt too, but this went deeper. This wasn’t him rejecting me to spare me what he thought would be pain later on down the road. This was him moving on from me. Moving on from us.

No, that wasn’t fair either. There had never really been an us. There had just been a me wanting him and him not wanting to want me back.

Now he wanted Carol instead. Somebody should have explained to me how much this could hurt.

I nodded. “Good point. You’re right. This probably a really good idea. For us.”

His expression was nearly desperate.

“You see that, don’t you?”

“Sure, Jake. I’m good. You can let go.”

He dropped his hand as if he hadn’t realized he had it wrapped around my arm the whole time.

“I’m still going to go take a shower. Long day today. Leave everything by the sink and I’ll do the dishes later.”

“I can do the dishes…”

“No,” I snapped. Because that was him feeling guilty and I wouldn’t have it. I wouldn’t have his guilt or his pity. “It’s my turn to do the dishes and I’ll do them. I just want a damn shower first. Is that too much to ask?”

“No,” he said.

“Fine. Good.” I started to leave the kitchen, but I stopped myself as something occurred to me. “The rules are the same, Jake.”

“What do you—”

“The rules,” I said. “She doesn’t get to stay the night in this house. I don’t want to… wake up in the morning and run into her.”

His expression tightened. “Jesus, Ellie, as if I would…”

“Just promise me.”

The muscle in his jaw flexed. “I promise.”