I woke up to hear the sound of running water. It was disconcerting and even more so because I was in a strange bed.

A strange bed that smelled like Jake.

I felt the smug smile creep over my face. That’s right. I got good and fucked last night by Jake Talley. (And no, I was not going to think about how this used to be my father’s bed because that was a little gross and I wasn’t thinking about my dad at the time so it was okay.)

The running water was the shower and suddenly it occurred to me it was morning and we were going to be getting divorced in a couple of hours. I had a few more things on my sex list I wanted to do before we called it quits.

I bounced out of his bed and ran down the hallway to my bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. Because minty breath was important.

Then I jogged, completely naked—so weird—back to his room, hoping he was still in the shower. He was.

I opened the bathroom door and I saw him behind the glass pop his head up.

“I got to do things last night,” I said. “But I really didn’t get to see a lot. I think it’s only fair.”

He was assessing me. Wondering what kind of mental state I was in right now. Was I going to cry and say I changed my mind about everything because we’d had sex?

Or was I going to proceed as planned?

Then he stopped assessing me and started looking at me. Wow. That was a look I could get used to. I shivered and my boobs shook and that seemed to decide him.

He slid the glass door open and stepped back. I stepped inside and closed the door, letting the hot water hit my back.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Jake. You’re very handsome and built and I would love to take the time to study your body, but right now I’m mostly interested in your dick.”

He huffed out a laugh. “As long as you call it by what it is.”

“Right. Not going to call it a peen.”

He closed his eyes in what I was sure was embarrassment. “You heard that?”

“Yep. Trust me, stopped listening soon after. Now if you will hold nice and still...”

I slowly dropped to my knees. Then I realized that wasn’t comfortable on the tile floor. So I got up, opened the shower door, snagged a towel from the rack to put under my knees, and tried that again. Better.

He was already hard. “Is this a morning thing?” I asked.

“No, it’s a you’re naked and your tits are jiggling in front of me thing.”

Good. I wanted it to be a reaction to me, not some biological function. It was definitely as big as I thought last night. Bigger than the dildo I bought for sure. Heavier. I reached up to stoke him in my hand and his thighs flexed.

“Show me how to do this,” I asked, fascinated by how hard it was in contrast to how silky he felt in my hand.

His head leaning back on his shoulders, he told the ceiling, “You’re doing fine on your own.”

I tugged and pulled, loving the feel of him in my hand. Loving the way his breath grew harsh.

I was working my courage up for the ultimate introduction when Jake said the dirtiest thing I had ever heard.

“Fuck Ellie, you need to suck my cock. Now.”

Wow. That was so flipping hot. I didn’t hesitate, I popped the head of his cock past my lips, in my mouth along my tongue. Taking him as deep as I could. I could feel his hand in my hair, pulling me closer until it was too much and I had to back off. But then it was just like it was last night—as soon as I eased him out of my mouth, I wanted him back in deep.

I kept bobbing my head like that, shallow then deep, shallow then deep. And his whole body was getting tighter and tighter. I could taste his pre-cum, the salt of it. It wasn’t gross at all.

Then Jake said the second dirtiest thing I had ever heard.

“I’m going to come. If you don’t want me to come in your mouth, back off. Ellie—shit, I’m serious.”

I was too. Deadly serious. If anything I sucked on him harder. I felt the first splash of it hit my tongue. I was still doing my head-bobbing thing even as I swallowed what was in my mouth. When it was over he stepped back. I hadn’t even realized I had my fingers dug into his ass cheeks.

I could still taste him. Still feel him in my mouth. My sex was pulsing, but I thought I was still a little too sore to do anything about that. Jake was breathing heavy, like I had put him through some intense workout.

He helped me up and then he hugged me. Just that. The press of our two naked bodies squished together front to font for the first time.

For the last time.

* * *

“Come on, Jake. It’s only fair.”

“I’m not doing this with you, Ellie.”

We were sitting in the kitchen. Our appointment with Howard was in a few hours so we were relaxing until then. He was pouring me coffee and scowling at me. Considering I had only recently had his penis in my mouth, that didn’t seem right.

“Why not? Just answer the question. On a scale of one to ten how good was that blow job?”

He glared at me.

“What? I need to know how much room there is for improvement.”

“I’m not having this conversation with you right now.”

“Uh, we’re a little past that aren’t we, Jake? Your penis, my vagina, remember?”

Then he did something unpredictable. Something I wasn’t expecting. His hand slammed down on the kitchen island and caused me to jump.

“Damn it, Ellie! This is serious. Do you get that? I took your fucking virginity. It’s mine. Now and forever. This is not some fucking joke to me.”

With that he stormed out of the kitchen and I heard him go upstairs. I was so startled by it, it took me a few minutes to react. Except I knew what I had to do.

I followed him upstairs and made my way down the hall to his bedroom. The door was open. He was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees, his hands linked.

“I’m sorry,” I said from the doorway. “I know it’s not joke. It was a big deal and I was trying to… I’m scared, Jake. About today, about next week. All of it. I was trying to cover up for that.”

He glanced up at me and his eyes were intense.

“Would you believe me if I said I was scared too?”

“No. You’re Jake Talley. A badass cowboy, and you’re not afraid of anything.”

He nodded. “Are we doing the right thing?”

“Yes,” I said quickly before I could say anything else. Still, it was the best answer. I don’t know why, but I was certain of it in my gut. We needed to take this step, to get to whatever the next step was.

“We better get ready then,” he finally said.

“Okay. Let’s do this.”

* * *

I was supposed to do this. I was supposed to sit in this small conference room, as Howard called it, and do this. Ellie was sitting across from me in her graduation dress. The blue one with the small white flowers. It was too lightweight for the weather today, but it was her favorite and this was supposed to be some kind of event.

So I was supposed to sit here and not think about pulling her across the table, undoing the belt around her waist, ripping her panties off and giving Howard a show he would not soon forget.

No, I was not supposed to be doing that. Instead I was divorcing my wife.

“If you want to read through the documents, it’s everything I’ve already discussed,” Howard said.

I didn’t want to read the document. I didn’t want to be in this conference room.

I didn’t want to divorce my wife.

I wanted to fuck my wife.

Howard slid the divorce decree in front of me. He did the same with Ellie. All I had to do was take hers and mine and tear them up. Grab her hand, tell her she was coming home and that this was over.

I couldn’t. Because she would never believe it was what I truly wanted. And I would never believe it was what she truly wanted. We would always fall back on the circumstances. How we got here. Not why we were here.

This was our only option.

I wanted her to have this chance. I wanted her to go to college and meet new people and learn new things. I wanted her to have that opportunity to grow.

I didn’t want it at my expense. Which was incredibly selfish of me, I guess.

I took a deep breath. I had to be strong enough for the two of us. I hadn’t been last night. Last night I’d been weak. But when she gave me her little speech, offering her virginity as my last and best Christmas gift, she’d been right. We’d both known how this was going to end, so there were no surprises.

One time—well, two if you counted this morning (which I wasn’t going to rank, but what had been without a doubt the most amazing fucking blow job of my life. Mostly I think because it was Ellie), and that was it.

Now we went our separate ways.

Only I didn’t want to go anywhere she wasn’t going.

I looked at her across the table. She had the pen in her hand. She seemed to be reading the document. She was probably pretending like I was. Then she looked up at me. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but suddenly I felt like I was in a game of chicken. That whoever blinked first would lose.

I picked up the pen next to me and toyed with it. I could say no. I could make this not happen. I could convince her this was wrong. After last night I’m certain she would agree.

I could do that and it would mean taking away all her choices.

She thought she was giving me my freedom back. The reality was, I was giving her hers.

I signed and dated the page in front of me.

I felt sick.

She watched me do it. Waited to see me do it really. She nodded and then did the same.

“Ellie…”

Wait. Wait was the word I had been about to say, but it was too late. She was done. She lifted her chin as if to show how courageous she’d been in doing it.

She was.

Howard collected the papers from us. “I’ll file these today.”

We both nodded but said nothing.

“You two okay?”

He must have felt it. Whatever it was. I wasn’t sure. I just knew that the room felt dark. Devoid of all light.

“Yes,” Ellie barked. Like she was forcing the word out of her mouth. “This is a good day. We did it.”

I stood and shook Howard’s hand. Ellie needed to use the ladies’ room, so I waited for her out in Sue Anne’s area. Sue Anne was chatting about Christmas, but I wasn’t paying much attention.

Eventually, Ellie emerged. I could tell she’d been crying, but she had her shit together now.

We walked outside, no longer married, and for the first time in my life I think I understood what the word heartbreak meant.

Ellie reached for my hand and I linked our fingers together.

“It’s going to be okay, Jake. We’ve got this.”

I hoped so. For both our sakes.