Ethan

The ice glistened like dangling spires of glass on the bare tree limbs they passed under. Everywhere Ethan looked the world was white and glittering with snow. Yesterday had been a record snowfall for the area.

Ethan found he enjoyed being the first to walk over the freshly fallen snow. It was like he was blazing his own path, heading in a direction of his own making—one without expectations or a past. Sometimes he wished his life could be that way.

He breathed the frigid air in deeply, trying to hold onto this perfect moment. He liked being out in the quiet, snowy world with Chloe. “It’s beautiful out here,” he said.

“It is.”

They walked a little way more before he stopped and turned to face her. “So what did you want to talk about?”

Her gorgeous eyes widened, allowing him to see their full brilliance. “How did you know I wanted to talk?”

Ethan grinned. “You’re pretty easy to read.”

She pouted. “My mom always says she never knows what’s on my mind.”

He huffed a laugh. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes are like two windows right into your thoughts.”

Chloe crossed her arms. “Okay, smart guy. What am I thinking right now?”

Ethan took his time, enjoying being able to study her unabashed. “You’re thinking that I’m the most interesting guy you’ve ever met, you’re a little bit hungry still since Brady ate your breakfast, and you’re wondering what you ever saw in a douche-nozzle like him in the first place.”

Chloe laughed out loud.

“Spot on?” he teased.

“Surprisingly, some of that is pretty accurate.”

Ethan arched an eyebrow, impressed that she was admitting he’d pegged her. “Which parts?”

“If you can read me so easily, shouldn’t you be telling me?”

Ethan studied her again, not liking what he saw. “You’re worried about me.”

He saw confirmation in Chloe’s eyes. “I am,” she said, quietly.

Ethan didn’t reply.

“You can really tell what I’m thinking just from looking at my eyes?”

He nodded, growing uncomfortable with where this conversation was heading. He’d been hoping to keep things light after last night had been so serious. Ethan shoved his hands into his pockets and started walking again. Chloe caught up with him and pulled him to a stop.

“I am worried about you,” she said. “Last night . . .”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “Last night was a little much. I don’t usually get like that. It’s just the holidays . . .” He sighed. “They’re never easy.”

“Ethan, I don’t want you to apologize for last night. I wanted to tell you that I’m really glad you opened up to me.”

Her hand tentatively reached for his.

He let her take it.

“I can’t imagine it’s easy to deal with your emotions this time of year and I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to . . . or not talk to,” she added.

It was a struggle to speak around the lump in his throat. “Thank you,” Ethan said, finding himself wishing there was a better way to express his gratitude. This was the second time he’d found himself at a loss for words around Chloe. Saying ‘thank you’ just wasn’t enough to convey what her compassion meant to him.

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. “Anytime.”

He looked longingly at her lips. You’re making it hard not to fall for you, Chloe.

Ethan wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her right there beneath the frosted pines. But he knew if he kissed her again it would be all over. He’d already let her in more than he intended. Last night had been a surprise to him. He hadn’t planned to tell Chloe everything but once he had he couldn’t believe how much better he felt. He needed to stop bottling up his emotions and Chloe made it easy for him. Ethan looked at her trying to school his features. What are you doing to me, Chloe?

He enjoyed being with her and talking to her. He wanted to let her in all the way—but should he?

Ethan had come to Pine Island to salvage the little family he had left this Christmas, not tear apart another one, which was surely what would happen if he continued to pursue his feelings for Chloe.

So as usual, Ethan forced his emotions back down and said nothing.

Chloe

Chloe walked side-by-side with Ethan further into the woods. For a while she was quiet, but the silence between them was changing. She could feel him withdrawing and she hated it. After everything he’d shared with her last night and the warmth she’d seen in him this morning she couldn’t let it go. Not when she knew he was hurting and she could do something about it.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked, tentatively.

“If you’d like.”

“Why do you hate chili?”

He stopped walking and looked at her quizzically with his sad eyes. “I don’t hate chili.”

“But at dinner last night . . .”

“That was an overreaction,” he replied, his jaw twitching with tension.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said, recalling her comment. “I mean, by asking why your mom didn’t make chili for you. I just didn’t know you’d lost her.”

A sad expression took over Ethan’s entire face. It twisted a knife in Chloe’s heart to see him like that. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was making things worse.

“You didn’t upset me,” he said slowly. “I was already upset.”

“Why?”

Ethan sighed and rubbed a hand across his jaw. “I lied. I have had chili before. Once. With my mother.”

Chloe stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.

“I was young. We were on a ski trip. She wasn’t feeling well enough to ski so I stayed in the lodge with her. We ordered chili and watched a movie together. Just the two of us.”

Chloe could tell he was working through his emotions.

“It’s one of my favorite memories with her. And until last night, I hadn’t let myself think of it in a very long time.”

“It’s okay to remember her,” Chloe said, softly.

Ethan started to shake his head. “No. No, it’s not. Because when I think of her I miss her and it hurts too much.” He shook his head again. “I can’t explain it. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I might,” she said.

Ethan looked at her with so much hope in his sad green eyes that it nearly cut off her air supply. Please, she prayed, please let me understand. She desperately wanted to be what Ethan needed so she could ease his pain.

“Have you ever lost someone you loved, Chloe?”

She nodded. “My grandpa. He died a few years ago. It was pretty unexpected,” she said, feeling that familiar ache that flooded her chest whenever she thought about him and how much emptier the world felt without his booming laughter.

Ethan put his hand over her heart. “That,” he said. “That feeling. It sucks. And it’s what consumes me every time I let myself think of her.”

Chloe nodded. She did understand. “My grandpa had a heart attack. He passed away in his sleep. One day he was there and the next . . .” she trailed off. “I remember thinking that it wasn’t real. Like any minute he’d walk in the door and fill the house with his laughter.” She smiled. “He had the best laugh.”

Ethan was studying her with those sharp green eyes that cut her to the core. When he looked at her like that it made it feel like someone ripped a hole in her chest, exposing her fragile heart to all the dangers of the world.

“How did you move past it?” he asked.

Chloe reached up and placed her hands on either side of his cheeks. “My grandpa was ninety. He had a good life. I can’t compare losing him to you losing your mother. They’re not the same. But what I can tell you is that when I do find myself thinking of him, I let the pain in.”

He closed his eyes. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

He began to tremble and it wasn’t from the cold. “I’m not as strong as you, Chloe.”

“You’re stronger than you think,” she whispered, kissing his cheek.

Ethan opened his eyes, his desperate stare stealing all the air in her lungs.

Ethan

Ethan opened his eyes and stared desperately at Chloe as he felt the protective walls around his heart cracking and falling away. You make me feel stronger than I am, Chloe. You make me feel everything. And you make me want to fight. You make me want to beat back the depression that wins nearly every daily battle. But you’re not mine, Chloe. You’ll leave me, too. It’s not your fault. Everyone leaves . . .

Ethan swallowed back all the words he didn’t have the courage to say because he knew they wouldn’t make a difference. The strength he was feeling only happened in Chloe’s presence. With his fingers tightly clutching hers he felt like he could weather any storm. But that wouldn’t last. Winter break would end and so would this feeling of hope Chloe filled him with. Like everyone else in his life, she wasn’t really his.

All he truly had was Owen. But even he was slipping away, having found hope and strength in Margot.

Ethan took a shuddering breath. “I’m not strong, Chloe.” I’m a coward, because I’m too afraid to make you mine.

Chloe

“Yes, you are. And if you let your feelings in you’ll see that,” she argued. “Feeling pain and sadness for someone you’ve lost is good because it means they’re still a part of you. They’re still here.” She pushed her hand over his heart this time. “Missing someone means they left their mark on this world and the people in it and I happen to think that’s a pretty incredible thing.”

Ethan chewed his lip. “I guess.”

Chloe smiled. “It may sound silly, but when I miss my Grandpa I like to think I’m here remembering him and he’s somewhere remembering me. It makes me feel kind of special to have him watching over me all the time. More loved, ya know?”

“I don’t know if I believe in that,” Ethan said.

“I can respect that.” Chloe smiled. “But, one thing I know for sure is that if my grandpa is watching me, he’d be pretty upset if he knew he was the reason I wasn’t smiling.”

Chloe saw a spark of emotion in Ethan’s eyes. “So would my mother.”

“My grandpa used to say, Co-Co, you’ve got a smile that could end famine. Don’t go wasting it on a frown.” She laughed. “Whatever that means.”

Ethan’s hands found their way to Chloe’s face. “Your grandfather was right,” he said, tenderly. “Your smile is more than enough to live on.”

Chloe swallowed hard. Ethan’s lips were so close to hers that the heat of their breath tangled into one bright cloud. Chloe watched the cloud of steam dance between them, wondering how on earth she was still breathing when everything in her body felt frozen with anticipation. She licked her lips, shivering with nerves at the thought of Ethan’s kiss. She closed her eyes but instead of his kiss, Chloe was met with a snowball to the back of the head.

“Ow!” She stumbled forward and Ethan caught her. “Hey!” she yelled seeing Brady, Margot and Owen charging toward them with armfuls of snowballs.

Ethan grabbed her hand. “Run!”