Chapter Fourteen
Hanna
The pain was overwhelming. It was enough to make me sick to my stomach, to fill every cell and nerve of my body with agony. My heart actually ached. I’d always thought that was a myth, but no.
Like everything else sick and sad in this world, it had turned out to be true.
For the first day or two, I was in a numb haze. I couldn’t do anything – I could barely leave my bed to use the bathroom. I called out of work, claiming that I’d come down with a bad winter cold, and because I’d been crying so much and I sounded congested, I was fairly sure they actually believed me. Danielle kept trying to talk to me, but I locked my bedroom door and refused to listen. The last thing I needed was her “help,” especially now that she’d been so fucking wrong about everything.
I was mad at James West. I was mad at Magnate Group. I was even mad at Danielle, for encouraging me to let my hair down and date the fucking CEO.
But most of all, I was mad at myself. The Hanna Parker I’d once known never would have done something so stupid, or so reckless. She would’ve kept herself out of trouble. She would’ve held her head high and not caved to lustful temptation.
And she certainly wouldn’t have believed that a wealthy, powerful man like James West was capable of falling in love with a silly little nobody like herself.
As I spent those two days crying and retching in my room, I felt more miserable and unhappy than I’d ever felt in my life. This was worse than everything. It was worse than constantly growing up in the shadow of my troublesome sister. It was worse than my parents forgetting my birthday, or my college graduation ceremony. It was even worse than the time that I’d broken my leg as a child and I’d had to spend the entire summer inside, lying in bed with my leg in traction.
But when the numbness started to fade and the pain began to set in, it wasn’t alone. Anger and rage and venom came with it, real anger. How could he, I thought as I stared out the window at the snowy, blustery Boston sky. I could picture James out, probably out on the town with his douchebag of a friend, Harry, living the playboy billionaire life. He probably already had another girl on his arm, or maybe even two. And he probably had a stack of those stupid fucking diamond bracelets.
The bracelet had been the first thing to come off when I’d arrived home from that disaster of a “date” at the new Chinese fusion place. I’d almost thrown it out the window, but Danielle had grabbed my arm at the last second and yanked the bracelet from my hand.
“Hanna, don’t,” she’d said. “You’re going to regret this if you do.”
“No, I won’t,” I said dully. “I hate him. And I hate everything he ever gave me…which conveniently turns out to be this one bracelet.”
Danielle had sighed. “Well, sell it, then, and live off the proceeds while you look for a new job. This could probably fetch four or five thousand dollars.”
But although I wouldn’t have admitted it to her, I wasn’t quite ready to say no. But I wasn’t ready to look at the stupid thing yet, either, so I put it in a box in the back of my closet where it lurked like a monster from my childhood nightmares.
And on the third day, I knew I couldn’t keep wallowing. I had to get up and face the world – I had to show everyone that I was a strong, independent woman who wasn’t heartbroken in the least. I woke up two hours before I had to be at work and spent a long time on my hair and makeup, making sure that I looked professional – and beautiful – before leaving the house.
When I got into my office, I saw that my desk was exactly how I’d left it. I felt a bolt of pain cut straight to my heart as I realized the last time I’d been in my office was right before I’d left the office to get ready for my last, fateful date with James. But that was over, and I had to move past it…even if it killed me.
In the middle of the day, there was an announcement for all employees to meet in the large conference room. I took a deep breath and steeled myself, hoping James wouldn’t be there. After all, if he was going to focus on international business, maybe he’d already left the country. Maybe he was going to go to Seoul, or Beijing, for a year, just like he’d done in London.
But walking into the conference room, I saw him. He was standing in the corner, talking and laughing – laughing! – with another man I didn’t recognize. When he saw me, his smile faded and he dropped his gaze before turning on his heel and stalking out of the room.
I felt hot anger bubble up inside of me. That fucker, I thought. He’s not going to focus on business! He just wanted to get rid of me! I was so angry that I could barely see as I walked across the room and took a seat. When the presentation started, I could barely focus. All I could think about was James. James screwing different women in London, James deciding to keep the baby with the woman he knocked up. The more I thought about it, the sicker I felt. As the speaker droned on and on, I felt nausea cramping my stomach. I took a deep breath and tried to ignore it, but the feeling grew stronger with every passing second until I knew that it was almost too late. Leaping from my seat, I dashed out of the room and down the hall. I’d barely made it to the ladies’ room when hot bile spewed from my mouth, all over the floor and row of sinks.
To my horror, I heard the sound of a toilet flushing. When I looked around, I saw Maggie, James’s secretary, emerge from one of the stalls.
“Hello, dear,” Maggie said kindly. “Are you feeling ill?”
I washed my hands in the sink and wiped my mouth with a coarse paper towel.
“I’m fine now,” I lied.
Maggie tutted. “You poor thing! You shouldn’t come in to work so soon after having the flu,” she advised kindly. “You should be at home, with chicken soup and your husband taking care of you.”
My heart sank and I could feel my forced smile sagging.
“Dear? Did I say something wrong?”
“No,” I lied. “I’m fine.”
I pushed my way out of the bathroom and went straight back to my office. Tears came to my eyes as I sat down at my desk but I stared at the ceiling and blinked until they went away. I pictured James’s smug, grinning face in my mind and the overwhelming desire to vomit again came rushing back with great force. No, I thought as I began typing. I’m not going to let you ruin my life.
I’d actually gotten into the groove of working when I heard a knock against my open door. Great, I thought. Probably Maggie, with some tea or chocolate or something. Jesus, why can’t people just leave me alone? It’s not like I actually want to talk to anyone!
But when I looked up, I saw that it wasn’t Maggie. It was James.
“Hi,” James said nervously. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “I think I ate something bad for breakfast.”
“You should take the rest of the day off.” James checked his watch. “It’s after three, you’d only be missing a few hours.”
“I took the past two days off,” I said coldly, not looking up from my screen. “Is there something you need?”
James sighed, but he didn’t answer. He stepped into my office and I had to resist the powerful urge to throw my glass Magnate Group paperweight at his stupid, smug face.
“Look, Hanna—”
“Whatever you have to say, unless it concerns work, doesn’t interest me,” I said, cutting James off before he had the chance to break my heart for the second time in just one week. “So, please – unless there’s something urgent, please leave.”
James looked at me for a long moment, then pressed his sensual lips together and nodded.
“Okay,” he said. “Fine. Thanks for letting me know.”
Then he turned on his heel and walked out of my office, whistling under his breath. Hot anger bubbled inside of my chest and for a moment, I thought about running after him, attacking him, and kicking him to the ground. The thought of it was so satisfying that I could practically taste it. But as I watched him disappear down the hall, the reality of the situation sank in. It wouldn’t be worth it. I’d be fired, and I’d have shown James just how much I really did care about him.
And there were no circumstances on this earth that could have made me do such a thing.
***
When I got home that night, I went straight into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. It was freezing cold in my hand, just like the weather outside, but I didn’t care. Normally, I never drank beer in the winter…but today had been a special, frustrating circumstance.
“Hey,” Danielle said. She loped into the kitchen and leaned against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. “You went to work today?”
I took a long drink of beer and nodded. “Yep. And I threw up.”
Danielle snorted. “So, maybe they’ll think you were actually sick,” she said. “Look, we should go out – if you’re feeling well enough, that is.”
I tilted my head back and took a huge swallow, barely tasting the beer as it flowed down my throat. Something about the liquid filling my stomach was comforting – if I couldn’t be filled with hatred and anger, at least I could be filled with beer.
“Maybe,” I said, setting the nearly-empty bottle down on the counter.
Danielle looked shocked. “Wait,” she said. “You’re actually agreeing to go out with me?” She blinked. “What happened to Hanna Parker?”
“She was a naïve idiot who got her heart broken by the world’s biggest asshole,” I said. “And she’s gone. Meet the new Hanna Parker, who doesn’t take shit from anyone.”
Danielle nodded. “I approve of this new Hanna,” she said. “As long as she still wants to be best friends with me.”
I sighed. “I know it’s not your fault,” I said, shaking my head. I tossed my empty beer bottle into the recycling bin with a satisfyingly loud sound. “You were just telling me what you thought was best.”
Danielle nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I was. And I’m sorry if I pushed you into something you weren’t ready for. I misread James…I thought he really liked you.”
Just her words were enough to hurt me and I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry.
“I know,” I said. “Look, we’re all wrong sometimes. I’m not mad at you. I’m…I’m mad at myself, for being so goddamned stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” Danielle said. She looked out the window. “And besides, you know what the best thing about Boston is?”
“The snow?” I asked sarcastically. “Because I’m pretty fucking sick of winter by now.”
“No,” Danielle said. “There’s tons of available men, just waiting to buy two pretty girls drinks.”
“Okay,” I said. I shrugged. “Why not. I’m still dressed.”
Danielle snorted. “You’re not going out in that,” she said, shaking her head at my sensible skirt suit ensemble. “You’re going to look like dynamite.”
I sighed. “Fine,” I replied. “Give me a couple of minutes and I’ll be ready.”
Danielle took my wrist and dragged me into her closet where she pulled a couple of tight, revealing dresses. She held up a bright red cocktail dress to my frame. It was strapless and satin, and I knew it would cling to my body like plastic wrap.
“I can’t wear that,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ll freeze to death – are you crazy?”
Danielle laughed. “No, you won’t,” she said. “That’s what whiskey is for, right?”
I couldn’t help but giggle. It felt absurd to be laughing when my heart was broken into a million pieces, but I had to admit that it did feel good.
“Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes and snatching the dress from her hands. “I guess you’re right.”
An hour later, Danielle and I were crammed into Booth, one of Boston’s hottest bars and clubs. I’d been drinking steadily since we’d arrived, and I was feeling tipsy, almost drunk. My skin felt hot and I could feel my blood throbbing through my veins in time to the loud pop music blasting from the speakers.
“See?” Danielle yelled, leaning close and cupping her hand around my ear. “Isn’t this fun?”
“It’s better than being back home,” I yelled back, reaching for another lemon drop shot and pouring it down my throat. After my first couple whiskey-and-ginger-ales, I’d stopped gagging at the sharp taste of alcohol. In fact, I was having so much fun that I was starting to wonder why I’d always turned down Danielle’s invitations to go out and party.
“We’re gonna feel like shit tomorrow,” Danielle yelled. “But it’ll be worth it! And James will see you’re hungover, and he’ll wonder if you were out with some guy!”
“I want to ban the name ‘James’ from my vocabulary,” I said loudly. “Because I’m so fucking sick of hearing it!”
The bartender placed another shot down in front of me – this one was a murky brown – and I didn’t even ask what was in it before grabbing it with both hands and downing the whole thing.
“God,” Danielle said. “You’d better watch it, Hanna, or you’re going to get sick!”
“I don’t care,” I replied, tossing my hair. “I deserve to be sick.”
Before Danielle could reply, the bartender leaned in and flashed us a big smile.
“Ladies,” he said in a charming Boston accent. “I got a couple of shots for you, on the house – how ‘bout it?”
I didn’t even think about it before grabbing one of the bright drinks from his hand and chugging it. It tasted both sweet and sour, and for a moment, I fought off an overwhelming wave of nausea. But then my stomach settled and I grinned.
“Thanks!” I yelled. I grabbed Danielle’s arm and pulled her close. “I’m gonna go pee, don’t leave, okay?”
Danielle gave me an absurd look. “Why would I leave?”
Turning around, I stumbled to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. It seemed harder than usual to yank up my dress and yank down my panties, and I was sweating by the time I was done. Just as I was about to flush, the door swung open. I saw someone standing there, grinning.
“Hey,” I slurred. “Leave me alone, I’m using this one!”
The person didn’t move. They stepped forward, grabbed my arm, and pulled me close before pressing a rag over my face.
It was the last thing I remembered before blacking out.