Tia
We were having a family dinner. Me and Tommy, Sarah, Dare and Angel and Holly, Tessa, Lisa, Bianca and Nino, Luc and Eddy. I’d made lasagnas, Eddy and Luc brought dessert, Tess made bruschetta, Bianca made salad, and Angel and Dare brought the wine.
Lisa came early and helped me set up. She was quiet, subdued, but Tess arrived first. I planned it that way. At Tessa’s request.
Tess walked in. Lisa froze.
“Leese.”
“Hey,” Lisa stared.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel like we might not be able to get over how you came to be part of our family. But…” Tess choked up. I choked up. Lisa’s face crumpled.
They fell into one another’s arms.
“You’re our family. We love you. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through but I’m so glad you’re here, in our family.”
Lisa sobbed, “I’m so sorry that you got taken and violated. And I wanted to come to you the minute I heard but I…”
“It’s okay. I was a bitch to you.”
“You were processing.”
“I was still a bitch.”
“I have something for you,” Lisa said, and reached into her purse, which was sitting on my kitchen counter.
I started handing out Kleenexes.
“They found your phone. It was crushed. But I took it to a guy at the mall and he got your pictures off it. I remembered you saying your memory was full like, two days before, so I knew you had lots on there. There were like 289 of them. They’re on this little thumb drive.” Lisa passed it to her.
Tessa fell apart.
“Jim. I knew there were pictures and I never backed it up and that’s all I could think about when they were kidnapping me. I--- Fuck. Thank you, Leese.”
We were all crying again.
Tommy walked into the kitchen and made an immediate U-turn and left us in our crying huddle.
He knew what my intentions were with this dinner so he probably wasn’t at all surprised.
The dinner was filled with good food, laughing, good-natured teasing, and kids running around, my dog getting spoiled, and it felt really great to spend the evening with my family.
Almost Six Months Later
My pregnancy was ticking along nicely. Uneventfully. I was eating a lot, keeping busy getting ready for the baby. I spent a lot of time with my sisters-in-law and my foster sisters and Rose regularly came over.
I’d even started going out by myself. Sort of. Tommy had a guard with me every time but I was driving. Walking. Doing things. I was driving my jeep, taking my no-longer little dog for walks, going to pregnancy yoga, hanging out with the family, and I was living.
Tommy was busy working. Ferrano Enterprises was keeping him busy. The business was still evolving but in a good way. He had gone to Vegas twice. Without me. Fete was nearly ready to re-open. Maybe someday I’d go back but not any time soon.
I was also seeing a counselor every second week. I’d seen her about five times and she was fantastic and helping me. Tommy had yet to start seeing a new one but I’d gotten a referral from my counselor and he told me he’d call. He said he needed to fire his existing counselor first. In person. And the look on his face? If he was planning some sort of revenge against Oliver, I didn’t wanna know about it. Tommy’s mantra was that if someone fucked him over, he never forgot. I hoped he’d forget. Even if Oliver was a lying Fed, he’d helped us.
Anyway, I was due to have the baby in a few weeks. The baby’s room was ready. We didn’t find out the gender (I wanted a surprise) and did the bedroom in primary colors. I had a gorgeous white sleigh crib with matching rocking chair, dresser, and changing table.
I’d had a baby shower already and we were ready with all sorts of white, green, and yellow unisex clothing. I had a going-home outfit for a boy and a going-home outfit for a girl. My hospital bag was by the door. My husband loved to work out with boxing and I was pretty sure that this little one was going to be a little kickboxer with the way I was getting beaten up from the inside.
***
“Tia?” Tommy woke me. It was 6:00 in the morning, a week before my due date.
“Hm?”
“Wake up, baby girl. Gotta talk to you.”
I sat up.
He held me close to his chest.
“I just got a call from the lawyer assigned to your father. He’s… baby, he’s dead.”
“He’s what?”
“Greg O’Connor was found dead in his cell. His lawyer just called.”
I jumped up to standing.
“You removed his protection and---” I started to accuse.
“I didn’t. I never did.”
“You didn’t?” Tears streamed down my face. My heart was aching.
“I had nothing to do with this, baby girl. I swear. I don’t know how it happened. We still had those protective measures in place.”
Dad.
All I could think was, “I’m an orphan at twenty years old.”
Our baby will have zero grandparents.
Zero.
“They’re saying it looks like a suicide.”
***
They cremated him. I never saw him dead. I was glad I hadn’t seen it at least; I didn’t think I could take seeing him on a slab.
We had a service at a cemetery for my Dad. Dare, Angel, Lisa, Tessa, Luc, Eddy, Bianca and Nino plus her Mom and her aunt. Ruby, her brother Connor, Beth, Mia, Rose and Cal, Rose’s parents, they all came. Even Susie, my former social worker came. They all tried to be there for me. I left a voicemail for my Aunt Carol with the details after calling three times and her not answering, not returning my calls. I hated to leave it on her voicemail but she wasn’t answering.
She didn’t come.
I was almost nine months pregnant at my dad’s grave. And it hit me hard. But Tommy was holding me up, taking care of me. He was amazing.
A week later, I was in bed, watching TV in the dark. During the day. The curtains were closed.
“You gonna get outta bed?” Tommy asked, moving the box of Sugar Crisp to the nightstand and then opening the curtains.
“Worried I’m gonna commit suicide? Evidently, it’s what the O’Connors do.”
“Not fuckin’ funny. And you’re no longer an O’Connor. You’re a Ferrano. You’ve been in bed for days. Let’s go do something. Time to live, baby girl.”
I shrugged, “I’m not suicidal, Tommy. Don’t worry. If I were, it’d make me a murderer, too.” I put my hand to my belly. I’d never ever harm our baby.
“Get dressed. Let’s go for a drive.”
“Where?”
“The mall, the park, I don’t know. Out of this house.”
“Maybe tomorrow.”
He walked into the adjoining bathroom and I heard water turn on.
“Now, wife. Outta bed.” He lifted me up and carried me into the bathroom. He was running me a bath.
“You’re pretty strong, carrying a woman the size of two houses,” I grumbled.
“Good thing I work out,” he teased.
“Out then.”
“I’ll take one, too. Then we go out.”
“Out of here. You can’t see me naked. I’m gross.”
“You aren’t gross. I’ll wash your hair?”
“You saying my hair is dirty?”
He shook his head and laughed, “No. I’m not. You like when I wash your hair, baby girl.”
He was right. I really did.
“You haven’t seen me naked in a few weeks. My belly button is inside out. I have a brown line down my stomach. My butt looks like a tub of cottage cheese. Out. I’ve gained forty-four pounds.”
“Athena Ferrano, you, my baby growing in you? You are the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. I’m scared shitless of being a father but gotta say, I’m lovin’ seeing you like this. You’re beautiful, even if you gained two hundred pounds, you’re beautiful to me.”
I burst into tears. It wasn’t something new. I was always a crier, but my pregnancy? I cried the week before Dad died for half an hour because I’d seen some YouTube video of baby goats in pajamas jumping around. It was just so stinkin’ cute.
He laughed at me and then we took a bath. He washed my hair sweetly, and then he shaved my legs for me because I couldn’t reach. He wanted to get sexy but I said I was having none of it.
I told him he’d get arrested for bestiality if he had sex with me because I’d be mistaken for a beached whale. He laughed at me some more and then in our room, he insisted. He gave me oral sex while he jacked off until we both came pretty hard and beautifully, and then got dressed to go out.
The orgasm was just what I needed. I felt a lot lighter in my heart after that release.
We walked around the mall and we wound up in a baby store.
Tommy found a onesie with a Neapolitan ice cream cone on it. Of course we had to buy it. It even had a cherry on top. When we got home and pulled in, we saw that a UPS truck was outside the gate.
Tommy’s blood was boiling. It was written all over his face.
The truck pulled away and we saw it wasn’t Nick driving. There had, thankfully, been no sign of Nick. He obviously finally took the hint.
Tommy took the envelope from the gate guard and opened the envelope, felt to make sure it was just paper, I guess, smelled it, and then opened the inner envelope and inspected it just quickly. He handed it to me.
It was from Carol O’Connor, my aunt.
It had a sympathy card from her. It was just a standard Sorry for Your Loss card with flowers on the front and “Aunt Carol” written inside with a short note.
“Your father asked me to send this in the event of his death. Sorry for the wait. Feel free to call me, if you ever want to talk or visit. I’m sorry for not attending the funeral. It was too painful and hard on me.”
Was that her saying she was ready to have a relationship with me? Now that Dad was gone?
I threw the card in the trash bin. Hard on her? She could’ve been there for me. She didn’t have to take me in but she could’ve still been in my life. Now that dad was gone? I didn’t think so. And there was a note from Dad that was to be given to me in the event of his death and she just, what, sat on it for over a week? What a royal bitch.
I held an envelope that said Sweetpea on the outside.
I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I opened it.
“Tia:
If I die, it’s not suicide.
If you think long & hard, you’ll realize I’m too cowardly to take my own life. I’m also not that heartless to let you endure both parents having done that.
But make no mistake, if I die, which I guess I did since you’re reading this, it’s not that I did myself in but it is because it’s my fault. I’m reaping what I sowed. Your husband tried to protect me and I was blind.
I didn’t think he’d let me contact you. I might have been wrong. I used Nick to try to get to you, to get you to forgive me, but I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Or Tommy’s.
And Nick doesn’t deserve Tommy’s anger. I pushed + pushed and used his feelings for you to my advantage. I shouldn’t have done that.
I’m proud of you, sweet pea. You turned out amazing, no thanks to me. You are a beauty who is also smart, loyal, forgiving, and with a heart of gold. Your mother would’ve been proud of you, regardless of who you married, or what your husband does for a living.
As I write this, I hope I can tell my sister to throw it out one day, because I’ll get to have a relationship with you. If I ever get out of here.
Nick told me I’m gonna be a grampa. I hope I can be a good grampa to your little tyke or your little sweet pea. I bet I’d be a fun one if I got that chance. You’ll be a great mom. Love you sweet pea.
Love,
Dad
PS: Pls see the back of this note for my secret spice blend recipe that you loved so much. Your rendition was close but I added the secret ingredients you didn’t know about. Teach it to your kids. Cook with them. Good memories and all. I know you have at least some fun memories of me cooking with you. xo”
I crumpled into Tommy’s arms, the letter floating to the floor.
It was too late.
He put his arms around me and held me close.
“He was a lousy father,” I said.
He nodded, solemnly.
“It’s too late.”
“I know. He might’ve kept fucking up, kept disappointing you.”
“But he might’ve changed.”
“Aren’t you an optimist?”
“I guess so.”
“And it’s lucky for me that you are.” He kissed me.
“He probably would’ve been a fun grandpa.”
Tommy kissed my head.
“He gave me something amazing, though,” I said.
“Your eyes,” Tommy said.
I shook my head. “You. I know it was your father who orchestrated it but my father being who he was, that was part of it, too. I never thought I’d say it, but my Dad and your Dad, their history? All of it got me you. I love you so much, Tommy.”
Tommy squeezed me a teensy bit too tight, then, kissing me with so much emotion I felt it in my bones. He loved me. He wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t perfect, either. He was who he was. He was mine. My Ice Cream Parlor Hottie, my Dominator, my baby’s daddy, my hero, my husband. My forever.