Tessa
Two Months After That
I had joined an online dating site for people who were kinky. I know it sounds crazy and dangerous but I’m not ready for a relationship, I can’t even think about something serious. Yet, I’ve been thinking a lot about sex. I’ve been thinking about the kind of sex that goes on at fetish clubs like Fete.
A few weeks after the drama with Mexico and the rape, I was doing a lot of soul-searching. The only man I had ever had sex with, unless you count the rape, which I don’t count as anything worth remembering, (it was a violation, not an act of love or passion) was my husband. He was my first. But I’m in my 20’s. I’m not going to not ever have sex again.
And as bad as things went at that Vegas club opening, things I saw there got me more than a little bit curious about the spicier side of sex. I loved my husband. I liked sex a lot. But he was all I’d had. I had nothing to compare that to.
I started out with this profile, using a picture my sister took of me for a girls night out a few months before Jim died. I looked pretty good, I’d just gotten back into my pre-baby jeans for the first time, and so we got all dolled up and went out to celebrate.
Luc might have actually gotten pregnant with Nicky that night. Anyway, I created a profile a few weeks after that drama and learned a few things:
1: Just because you see a hot profile picture doesn’t mean the guy actually looks like that. I was cat-fished repeatedly. I started looking up the photos on a reverse photo engine and saw that a lot of the super-hot guys were actual male models or movie stars. Too many are trying to use romance novel covers or snippets of Michael Stokes’ photos as their photo.
2: Dick pics are now considered an ice breaker. WTF? I got half a dozen my first day. Okay, so this wasn’t exactly that Christian dating site, but really? Let’s have a conversation or two before you show me your junk.
I talked to a few guys over the app and it was fun but some of it was creepy and no one tickled my interest until a few weeks later and then I started talking to a guy. He was being real sweet, not overly sexual but sort of suggestive. It was a turn-on. He’d ask me questions about the books I like, the movies I own, the music that I want played as the soundtrack if someone makes a movie about me. He would ask me what I wore, to describe my favorite meal, to tell him what I’d dreamt about the night before.
He overuses emoticons a little bit and won’t share a pic (his profile pic is of his hands, playing a guitar, and his forearms and hands are seriously sexy).
I started talking to him via the app more and more often and it escalated to about a dozen or more times a day. Every time my phone made noise and I wasn’t alone, I got antsy and made an excuse.
The boys were keeping me busy but Sarah’s always trying to give me a break and Ed hired someone new at the restaurant so I’m only helping him out two days a week.
JAKEandNotASNAKE really caught my attention. He talked to me like I’m a person. Not a widow. Not a rape victim. Not a little sister of dangerous men, or a platonic friend, but like I’m someone he is actually interested in.
We’d been dancing around the idea of meeting for a bit and I’m the one that pushed, finally. I’m going to meet him for a drink Saturday night.
We hadn’t gotten overly sexual in our discussions but he got a little bit descriptive late one night after a long few hours of constant texting. He told me he’s a dominant and likes to be bossy in bed. When he’s with someone, he likes to give orders around sex, around what she’ll wear, whether or not she gets to touch herself, etcetera. I got very excited about the etcetera part, got squishy in my panties just thinking about that notion.
I was honest, said I had only been with one man, it had been very vanilla, and that I was curious about the spicier side of things.
I hope that’s not a mistake. I hope Jim would understand.
***
I sat at the bar for about half an hour. Maybe Jake-not-a-snake saw me and something about me made him wanna leave. Maybe he thinks he’s not attractive enough for me.
Don’t hate me for sounding like a conceited bitch. I’m not a ten out of ten. I hate my chin and I’m too short. My hips and my J-Lo ass are too big, too. But as far as blind dates go, unless something about me really hits a nerve, a guy is probably gonna at least wanna talk to me.
I sat at the bar. A gorgeous redheaded guy with a bit of a Michael Fassbender vibe approached.
“How are you doin’ this fine evening?” he asked me, sidling up close.
“I’m good. I’m meeting someone,” I said.
He looked me over and shook his head, “Shame. That doesn’t work out, I’ll be here a bit.”
I flushed red a little bit. I was flattered. It felt good to have someone appreciate me appearance-wise.
But after a few more guys tried to pick me up, and one of them kind of creepily, I decided that maybe Jake couldn’t make it. Or, saw me and was disappointed. So, I was going to leave.
But someone, a guy who’d tried to pick me up in the bar, tried to grab me in the parking lot and force me into a car. It was a replay of the nightmare that got me raped and I was seeing my life flash before my eyes, when someone yanked the guy off me and beat the snot out of him and called the cops.
Zack Jacobs saved me.
And then, while he held the guy until the cops got there, Zack admitted he was Jake. I was furious, thinking my brothers were having me tailed, spying on me, but Zack explained he was still getting some intel from when he was investigating my brothers and part of that intel included our internet search history. Seriously? Get a good security program for your computer. You never know who is paying attention!
He had intended to stop the practice but caught the pattern on my usage and said he was concerned. I think he was nosy. And being a perv. I was looking up some crazy terms and it was embarrassing to think about someone knowing about that.
He tried to convince me that he actually was interested in me. I gave him the finger and took off.
He followed me and tried to ask me out by Luc’s door. That didn’t go real well.
“Tessa, please believe me,” Zack pleaded, “C’mon. Let me take you out to dinner.”
“Fuck you.”
“Can I text you for a bit? Keep talking, then? Maybe you’ll change your mind.”
I stood there and malfunctioned. He saw his opening.
He grabbed his phone and was doing something. I was standing against the door of my sister Luc’s house. She was babysitting my boys.
My phone made a noise. I lifted it from my pocket.
The screen was filled with silly emojis.
I rolled my eyes. He was really good looking. Tall, clean cut, but rugged. Sexy. Built.
“I’ll text you. Grovel for a week or two. Maybe then you’ll let me
take you out.”
“Why’d you leave me sitting there, Zack?”
He made a face, “I was waffling. Thinkin’ about all you’d been through, all…”
“My baggage?”
“No. Not your baggage. Your feelings. I didn’t want to toy with you, Tessa, serious. I just--- it’s been a long time since I felt anything like this and---”
“What the fuck?” That was Tommy, coming out of Luc’s, carrying Carina in her car seat. He was staring at Zack and electric bolts were shooting out of his eyes. They were going to melt Zack into a puddle of goo.
Shit.
Zack made an excuse and left. Tommy looked at me for an explanation, but I waved at him, “Don’t even ask.”
Some weeks later, Zack finally convinced me to let him take me out and it was a pretty phenomenal date. When we were at my door, him kissing me goodnight and making me go weak in the knees, my brother emerged from the darkness and put a gun to Zack’s head.
It was pretty dramatic and ended with me begging him not to hurt Zack. Tommy was furious, thought Zack was playing me.
“Pop took Jimmy from me. Don’t you take Zack.” was the line that got Tommy to lower his gun.
“Does Zack mean something to you?” Tommy demanded.
“I don’t know. He might. He could.”
“Get inside,” my bossy brother ordered.
I overheard his short chat with Zack.
Zack said, “Is that what I gotta do to get us through this? Be like Lex with Holly? Marry your sister?”
“Motherfucker, don’t think you get off easy. You decide to make me your brother-in-law you’ll be in my sights for the rest of your fuckin’ life.”
“You told me I needed to give you a good reason not to end our relationship.” Zack was obviously joking.
“You fucking with my sister’s feelings?” Tommy was clearly not joking.
“No, man. Not at all. She impresses the fuck outta me. I wanna get to know her better. See if there’s something.”
“You got at least ten years on her, Zack.”
Zack chuckled and I’m sure he was giving Tommy the ‘you’re a hypocrite’ look because there’s ten years between Tommy and Tia.
“All right, all right. Get the fuck outta here. I got my eye on you.”
I love my big brothers. Both of them. They are badasses who wouldn’t hesitate to pull a gun on someone to protect us (and more. I know this from experience. But their hearts are in the right places.