Fifty-Nine

Leaning against her windowsill, Riley’s fingers absentmindedly rolled and unrolled the hem of her sweatshirt. “I left three voicemails. I thought, He’s just busy, he’ll call back later, but you never did—not even when I finished work. You always call me when I’m walking home. Always! So, I texted Hunter, and he didn’t answer either. Ben, I was freaking out.”

Broken wrist throbbing with each heavy beat of his heart, Ben bowed his head and shifted on the loveseat, searching for a comfortable position to rest his bruised and broken body. “I’m so sorry. I would’ve called, but they took away my phone on the street.”

“I even went looking for you. I went to Hunter’s, the Red Lion. I didn’t want to upset Mom, so I called Casey. He said he’d keep looking while I called hospitals. I thought something happened with your liver.”

I’ve really fucked up. “You have every right to be angry. I would be.”

“Then Hunter texted me—finally! I could breathe again.” She shook her head, a soft smile fighting through her frown. “Oh, Ben…” She sat down, wrapping her arm loosely around his shoulders, careful not to bump his cast or squeeze him tightly. “I’m still annoyed, but I’m so relieved you’re okay.” Her body relaxed, holding him close.

Ben released a tight breath. I don’t deserve her sympathy.

Her fingers skimmed his cast. “This must hurt like hell.” A pained expression pinched her face.

“It’s uncomfortable…the cast feels tight. I think my wrist is swelling.”

She sighed. “What was the rush? The surgeon said you could start cycling in the gym. He didn’t give you the green light to go full-on super courier!”

Ben chewed his thumbnail. “But he also said to listen to my body. If I felt strong enough…it was worth a shot—”

“Yeah, a shot that almost got you killed.”

“But it didn’t.”

“Thank God!”

Ben dropped his hand from his mouth. “To be fair, Riles, what happened had nothing to do with rushing back. It was just wrong place at the wrong time…” His voice trailed off, regret immediately tying a knot in his belly. Jeez, did you break your brain when you flew off that bike, too?

“You think?” A sardonic tone tainted Riley’s retort.

No, not really. Damn, I wish I could take that back. Ben’s eyes fell to his jeans, the knees torn and dirty, a large Band-Aid visible through one of the rips. Today’s mess has everything to do with rushing back. If I hadn’t been in such a tizz over being bored at home, I wouldn’t have touched that bike. I wouldn’t have been rushing, trying to deliver those packages. I wouldn’t have been at the hospital or the cop shop. This conversation wouldn’t be happening.

Frowning, he raked a hand through his hair. “Actually…no, I don’t. I’m a fucking idiot. I should’ve waited. I’ve been so restless and down about things, and it was starting to get to me, you know? It sucks not earning any money. I hate that Maggie’s crowdfunding cash has been paying for me. I’m not a sponger.”

“Of course you’re not! Ben, you know the surgery and recovery costs are always paid by the recipient.”

“I know, but I feel useless.”

“You’re hardly useless. Your liver saved my mom’s life! Still, I get it. Being broke and stuck at home would bother me, too.”

“It’s been almost seven weeks…I thought I’d be back to normal by now.” A lump grew in his throat. “I’ve become a burden.”

“You are not a burden. Come here.” Riley pressed a kiss to his lips and pulled him in. “I can’t imagine how hard it’s been. Sitting still isn’t your thing, is it? And missing out on the foods you love, drinking pints, sex—God, I miss sex with you!”

The softness of Riley’s sweatshirt, the scent of her shampoo…Ben’s chest began to ache, but it had nothing to do with the accident.

“Maybe now that you’re in the city again, you’ll start to feel more like yourself? Independent, back in Hunter’s man-maze of bicycle parts.” She giggled and curled her fingers in his hair. “I love you so much. It scares me half to death, though, thinking I could’ve lost you today.”

Oh, Riley. Deep in their hug, looking over her shoulder, the window began to blur. He blinked quickly, suppressing his tears. “Hope—”

“But I didn’t, and you’re here, and we’ll get through this together. Maybe Hunter can really give you some paid work in the office. And then in a few weeks, you’ll go back to the diner, start auditioning again. We’ll have Christmas together—everything will be okay, you’ll see.”

“But it won’t be,” Ben mumbled in her hair.

Riley pulled back. “Won’t be—what?” Her wide eyes glanced down at his t-shirt. “Did something else happen? Ben, you hurt your liver?”

My heart… “Riles…” His voice cracked and he shook his head slowly. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have touched that stupid bike. “The police ran an immigration check on me.”

“Yeah, so? That’s normal, right? If you’re not a citizen, they’d totally do that.” She caught the slight quiver of Ben’s chin and froze. “But…”

“I have to go home.” He gulped, fighting the urge to cry. “The diner isn’t renewing my visa.”

“They’re…?” She jerked forward, eyes wide. “But they promised!”

“Stavros left. I found out yesterday. So, I told Hunter and he said—”

“Wait? You told Hunter…before me?”

“I told him because I needed help. He knows people, Riley. He was trying to hook me up with a job in this bloke’s bar. The guy’s gotten visas for staff before and…” He stared up at the ceiling and the twinkly lights overhead. So many beautiful memories made, so many secrets shared under those dollar-store stars. “Then, today happened, and when I finally got to the police station after the hospital, an immigration officer was waiting for me. Apparently, the diner was obligated to notify immigration if my employment ended before my visa expired. So, I was flagged in their system. They just had to find me, and they did—with a broken wrist on West 54^th.”

“But you’ve got three weeks left on your visa.”

“It doesn’t matter. If I don’t have that diner job, the current visa is void. I’m here illegally now.”

Her breath began to quicken. “You have to go?” She held his left hand and Ben reciprocated, squeezing it tight. “When?”

“The lawyer at the station recommended voluntary departure.”

“What does that mean?” Tears gathering in her eyes, she blinked quickly.

“I agree to leave the country quickly and voluntarily so I won’t be kept in custody or have a removal order on my file. I’ll also avoid a period of inadmissibility.”

“Meaning…what? You wouldn’t be banned from returning to the U.S.?”

Ben nodded.

Her face relaxed. “Oh. Okay! So, you leave and then come right back.” She wiped away a tear with her free hand.

“I could, but only as a visitor—not staying for longer than ninety days, and I wouldn’t be able to work. I was lucky getting that visa the first time, even luckier getting it renewed, but the chances of it happening a third time are slim to none. There’s no ‘third time lucky’ for me, Riley. I have to be realistic.”

“Well, stay illegally, then!” Riley nodded, like she was trying to convince herself it was a great idea. “Lots of people do. You could work for Hunter. You know he’d keep you on.”

“Yeah, but what kind of life would that be? Always looking over my shoulder, making next to nothing as a courier. You can’t afford to pay my way, and I’d never expect you to. I want to make something of myself. I want to make you proud of me.” Tears trickled down his cheeks.

“I am proud of you, Ben.” She held his face in her hands, his damp stubble scratching her palms.

“And if I stayed here illegally, I’d never be able to go home. The minute I flew to London and then tried to come back here, U.S. immigration would be all over my ass. They’d scan my passport, see how long I had been in the States, and I’d be refused entry. The immigration guy said illegals who do this get banned for ten years. A decade, Riles!”

Bowing her head, tears raced down to her chin and lingered before dropping to her sweatshirt.

Ben bent his neck to look into her eyes. “Riley love, it’s not worth risking, not if it stops me coming back to see you.”

She looked up, all mascara smudges and determination, fighting through her tears. “Well…marry me, then.”

He chuckled and slipped into a soft smile. “Hope…”

Riley didn’t laugh. “I’ll marry you. I’m serious.”

“Gorgeous girl, I know you are.” Ben swept her hair, damp from tears, off her cheeks. “But I’m on immigration’s watch list now. They wouldn’t believe we were in love. They’d say we did it for the green card and then we’d both be in trouble.” He kissed her forehead. “And think about it, love—be honest—do you really want a husband right now? When you’re starting your career? When opportunities are coming your way? You begin your job on Monday, Riles. After everything with Josh, I think we both know the answer—”

“But I’m in love with you! That’s the difference.”

“And I love you, but that’s why we shouldn’t rush to beat some stupid deadline.”

She tilted her head and fresh tears raced down her cheeks. Ben put a finger under her chin, lifting her face up to meet his.

“Hey, I would marry you so hard!” He chuckled wistfully. “But I want to do it right. I want to give you a romantic proposal one day that will make you snog my face off. I want you to say yes—but at the right time and for the right reasons. I want us to last. Riley, it would kill me to lose you for good…” He kissed her softly, her salty tears on his lips. “I’ll go home to London, get a job, save enough money, and come back.”

Riley shuddered, trying to catch her breath. “When do you have to leave?”

“Well, they said I shouldn’t delay. The sooner I leave, the faster I can come back—”

“Ben…” She pleaded, looking into his eyes. “When?”

“Wednesday.”

“Wednes…that’s only—” She struggled to swallow. “In five days, you’ll be gone.”

“But I’m here now.” He took her face in his hands, tenderly kissing her lips.

• • •

Recycling trucks were doing their noisy best to rouse St. Mark’s Place at 3 A.M., but Riley was wide awake. Lying in bed with Ben’s head resting on her chest, she stroked his hair while her mind worked overtime. When all the bad stuff piles on, I tell myself ‘this too shall pass’ and I try my best to believe it, but…that means I have to accept that the good things in my life—moments like this with Ben—will pass, too, and that breaks my heart. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m savoring the sweet moments as much as I should, and by the time I clue in, they’re gone and it’s all too late.

“Ahhh, that feels nice,” Ben purred.

“You’re awake?” Riley whispered. “Do you need another pain killer?”

“Not yet.” Raising his head, Ben groaned and shifted back onto the pillow, his abdomen bruised from hitting the bike’s handlebars. “Have you slept?”

“No. I can’t stop thinking…” Riley pulled up the duvet so it covered both of them. “What are we going to do?”

“What we talked about earlier—the long-distance thing. You’ve done it before, so you’re a pro!”

Hardly. “It’s not easy. You have no idea what you’re in for.”

“Well, yeah—I reckon juggling time zones will be a total pain in the arse, but you’re worth it!” He blinked sleepily, his puffy eyes mirroring Riley’s. “You know me—I like a challenge.”

“This isn’t fun like our Never Dunnit game.”

“I know…”

“It’s no joke, Ben. Being apart can eat away at you. There’s all the missed FaceTime calls, delayed texts, silences that make your mind leap to the worst thing, and the worry you’ll fall out of love without physical contact…”

“But you and me, we’re not like that.”

“I used to think Josh and I weren’t either.”

Ben inhaled a deep, painful breath.

“I just don’t want you unprepared, that’s all.” She swept his hair from his eyes.

“Coach me, then. Tell me what to expect.”

“Ben, it’s late. Don’t you want to sleep?”

“I want you to sleep, and I don’t think you’ll be able to until we discuss this.” He kissed her nose.

“Okay.” She exhaled heavily. “Well, birthdays and most holidays will be spent apart.”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Unless we win the lottery, we’ll be lucky to see each other once a year…”

“Guess I’ll start buying lottery tickets, then!” He smiled. “Carry on.”

“You’ll see friends coupled up in the pub, and you’ll feel so lonely your bones will ache. You’ll have to come home early on nights out if you want to catch up with me over FaceTime. All your money will go into calling, texting, saving for flights, and when we are together for a rare visit, we won’t just pick up where we left off—we’ll have to get used to each other again, and it will feel a bit awkward until we do. You’ll find your memory plays tricks. Annoyances you never thought of before will pop up, like ‘I don’t remember her hogging the duvet,’ ‘She smacks when she eats—’”

Ben laughed. “You don’t smack! Did Josh say that?”

She shook her head. “Plus, long distance means months without hugs, kissing, sex—”

“Physical contact sex, yeah, but not FaceTime sex! Riles, I’ve done many things in bed, but I haven’t made love through a screen before…I’m a FaceTime sex virgin!” He raised his eyebrows. “You’ll have to teach me, but please, be gentle!” He chuckled. “Look, I know it’ll be hard, but I promise, I’ll do whatever it takes. I want you, Riley. I love you.”

I know he loves me, but if he’s had problems committing to relationships before in person, how will he handle one separated by an ocean? “I love you so much. I just want this to work.”

“And it will. I know it’ll be a test, but we’ll smash it, Riles. Seriously, it’ll take more than some daft ocean to separate us, okay?” He kissed her nose. “Now get some kip, sleepyhead. Maggie won’t be happy if we doze off in her frittata.”