Chapter 14 – I Can Keep a Secret

 

Addy –

I stand in the spacious entryway of my old farmhouse that acts as a corridor to every room on the main floor of my home. It’s flanked by the front and back doors with the ornate stairway at the back of the house.

Ignoring the centuries of old charm surrounding me, I frown as Crew stands from where he’s been crouched, working on my doorknob. He tests my new key before slamming the antique door shut. His eyes come to me at the same time I hear my deadbolt flip easily into place.

“There.”

I frown deeper and cross my arms. “That wasn’t necessary.”

“Too many people have access to your home, Addison,” he says resolutely. “Next up, you need to change your security code.”

“Only my small circle of employees knows it. I trust them.”

“I don’t care if they are trustworthy. It’s too many people.” He starts packing up the small box of tools he brought over two hours ago.

In fact, I wasn’t even here yet when he helped himself to changing my locks. We were finishing up from a small event late this afternoon when I saw him drive by in his old pickup truck. We had three events today and it was busy. I had to square up some things in the main building and Crew was here for an entire hour before I got home. He got into my house, disarmed my security system—even though I still haven’t given him a key or the code—and he’s worried about the people I’m closest to and trust?

I’ve been feeling petulant all day after he left me in bed this morning when he threatened to “figure me out,” leaving me in a state of horny I hadn’t seen in…ever, really. So much so, I almost brought him a salad with no meat for dinner. He’s a big guy—no way would a salad fill him up. I’m all out of barbeque chips, and besides my Laffy Taffy, I don’t keep a lot of snack food in the house. I’m barely here as it is.

As irritable as I was, I couldn’t make him eat only a salad. So I ordered enormous turkey sandwiches layered with brie, thinly sliced green apples, and spring mix with honey mustard on cranberry wheat bread. It’s a new Maggie creation this summer and one of my favorites. She added sides of fruit. When I told her it was for Crew and me, she threw in pastries and a container of meats and cheeses. Over the past few days, Crew, Grady, and Asa have been eating at the Café daily. Not to mention, Clara has a big mouth. Everyone knows who Crew is and what he is to me, even though I’m still trying to define what we are in my head.

Currently, he’s my locksmith whom I’m not too happy with.

He took a break from his locksmith duties to eat, scarfing down his dinner in record time. He thanked me as he kissed me on the forehead and left to finish his task before I was halfway done with my meal.

By the time I finished eating and found him at my front door, he was finishing up.

“It’s only five people, Crew. I’m going to have to give Morris a new key anyway. He’s not only the caretaker of the property, but I pay him extra to maintain this house since there’s so much I can’t do myself. He’ll need a key.”

He sets his toolbox by my front door and shrugs. “I can help you with the house.”

“What I’m trying to explain to you, Crew Vega,” I stress his name, “is that I’ve managed just fine for the last year-and-a-half. I don’t mind my employees coming in when they need to, or even want to. In fact, I like that they want to be here.”

“That’s fair.” He moves to me and tags my hand, heading toward my stairs. “But you like me here, too. Right?”

I raise an eyebrow and can’t keep the snark out of my voice when I mutter, “I thought I did, but I’m rethinking it.”

He smiles. “Well, when I have you like I had you this morning, it would be nice if they knocked. Now they’ll have to knock.”

“What are you doing?” I ask, even though I know what he’s doing since he did the same thing last night, pulling me up to my bedroom.

“I’m going to figure you out, Addison. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I told you I had a lot to do. I need to focus and the sooner we get this hashed out, the better.”

We make the turn to the second staircase and everything I’ve been feeling all day is coming to a head. I don’t know what more he wants to figure out—he knows everything there is to know about me. The simple fact he looks at me differently than any man ever has before makes me crazy nervous. I do know I’ve thought about it all day and decided if he’s going to demand anything more from me, I’m going to demand more, too.

I just decided to give everyone a new key. It’ll show him, I’ll just ask them to knock before using it. He can spin his wheels changing locks, my friends are welcome in my home all the time. He’ll just have to suck it up and get used to it.

He pulls me around the corner to my room. As much as he’s perturbed me with the locks, I like him everywhere in my house.

I sweep through the door, letting go of his hand. Putting a few feet between us, he stops in the middle of my room, between the door and me. I’m not sure what he’s going to say, so I stay silent. I mean, he’s kissed me in the White House, set up surveillance of my home and business, broken into my house twice, and now changed my locks. I didn’t ask, but I’m sure he kept a key for himself. Not that he needs one—he seems to get in just fine all on his own. He’s seen me mostly naked and knows all he has to do is lay a hand on my body for me to turn to mush in a heartbeat.

Oh yeah, and he knows my entire life history and all the secrets I’ve held dear for as long as I can remember. But here he is, thinking he has more “figuring out” to do.

Honestly. This has been the most bizarre week ever.

He crosses his arms and aims his dark eyes on me. Out of the blue, he starts with, “Tell me about the control.”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“Yesterday morning, you said you needed it to cope. Tell me more about that.”

I shrug my shoulders, giving my head a little shake. “There’s nothing more to tell. I need to have a grasp on things to function. What happened the other night hasn’t happened in a long time, Crew. Probably not since my late teens. I don’t know why you’re asking about this.”

“Because you don’t need it with me. Because I know all there is to know, Addison. With me, you can let it go.”

“You’re expecting an awful lot, Crew.” I tip my head before stressing my words. “Especially when you give me nothing in return.”

I know he knows what I’m talking about, because he narrows his eyes and the sharp takes over. His body doesn’t give it away, but his dark eyes do. Even though I’ve barely known him a week, I see it. It’s startling because he’s been nothing but warm with me since the night of the White House dinner.

“See?” I say softly. “I might not know you well, but I see what just happened. That shield has disappeared with me the last couple of days, but there it is again. You’re guarded and closed off when you want me to be everything but. I’ve got an issue with that.”

He doesn’t take his eyes off me, but he scarcely shakes his head.

There’s no beating around the bush, I have to know. “Why do you have clearance with the CIA?”

“Addison—”

“What have you been doing the past ten years?”

His voice turns as sharp as his eyes when he tries to squash my efforts. “I’ve told you I can’t—”

“You said I made it all worth it,” I quickly cut in, not giving up.

This statement not only makes his mouth go tight, but his whole body as well. The sharp from his eyes leaks out, tension spreading through his strong arms crossed over his chest, slipping over his body. In all the ways I’ve seen Crew Vega in the last week, this is new.

“Addison.” His voice comes out rough, almost pained.

“I want to be worth it,” I whisper. “Let me be that for you, but let me be it completely.”

He says nothing, but his sharp eyes slowly close, shutting me out.

*****

 

Crew –

Fuck.

That’s a surprise. I squeeze my eyes tight and think. I wasn’t expecting this.

I wanted to figure out why she was wound like a spring in bed this morning. Hell if she didn’t turn it back on me. Why I let that slip about her making it all worth it, I have no idea.

“You have a secret?” I hear her say.

I let my head drop and exhale.

“I can keep a secret, Crew.”

Her voice, soft and smooth, breaks through to me and I look up.

Not taking a break, she keeps hitting me in the gut.

“I think I’ve proven that over the last twenty-five years, don’t you?”

I shake my head at her relentlessness.

She even has the nerve to flip her hand out and half grin when she keeps on. “And since you know everything there is to know about me, you know it’s true.”

“Enough,” I counter on a sigh.

“Well?”

“It’s not only that I shouldn’t tell you, but I don’t want to tell you, Addison. I don’t want you to know that part of me.”

It’s true. I’m not afraid of anything, but with what I’ve done and what I’m training others to do, I don’t want to risk her knowing. It could only go two ways. With her past and what she’s lived through, she could high-five me. Or, she could be disgusted and tell me to get the fuck out, never wanting to lay eyes on me again. I don’t gamble. I’m calculated, measure every risk I face. I want her too much, it’s a fifty-fifty shot I’m not anxious to take.

“Why?” She tips her head with a look of confusion. “In the past few days, you’ve gone out of your way to protect me, show me you want me, and tell me things I didn’t know about my father. I’ve given you my trust for no other reason than because it felt right. But something you don’t know about me, Crew, is I don’t enter into things lightly. I grew up having to look over my shoulder as a necessity. As fast as things have happened between you and me, you’re standing right here because I want you here. You might be pushy, but I’m no pushover. No way would you be here if I didn’t want you.”

I even my breathing before responding. “You can say that now. You don’t know.”

“Maybe it’s time you give me a little blind trust, then. Try me, Crew. I dare you,” she says with attitude.

My face cracks from her remark. “You dare me?”

She says nothing but raises her eyebrows, as if to silently double-dog-dare me.

I sigh, giving her an ultimatum. “You can’t tell me to get the fuck out without me explaining.”

Her face turns surprised. “Is it that bad?”

“Give me your word, Addison. I’ll give you what you want, but I won’t let you end what we’ve started over this. No fucking way.”

“Fine,” she breathes, giving her head a little shake. “You have my word.”

She’d better mean it, there’s no fucking way I’m gonna let her kick me out now. Not for this anyway. I planned to tell her down the road, when things progressed. I wanted her in deep, where there was no way she could walk away from me.

One thing’s for fucking sure, it never occurred to me I’d be standing here after ten years, questioning my decisions for the first time ever. I’ve never questioned a decision in my life.

“Crew?” She breaks into my thoughts, becoming restless.

I decide there’s nothing to do but throw it out there. “I don’t have an official title, but some would call me a Soldier of Fortune.”

She looks perplexed. “I don’t know what that is.”

“I contracted with governments. Ours and our foreign allies. I only worked abroad, never here in the States.”

“Okay,” she adds carefully. “Why couldn’t you tell me that?”

“Because I did for them what they couldn’t do, not even their troops, and they paid me well to do it. I didn’t get into it for the money, I did it because at that time in my life, a long time ago when I signed on, it was important to me.”

It’s the truth. Nothing was more important to me at the age of twenty-three. There’ve been many days over the years I wondered where I’d be if the opportunity never arose. But I never regretted it, never imagined this moment. A day I’d have to explain myself—maybe defend myself—and hope to God a good woman would forgive me for it.

In ten years, I never conceived today. But here I am.

And here it goes. When I see the color leave her face and her eyes widen, I take a step closer, but she instinctively steps back.

Her words come out in a rush. “Wait, what did they pay you to do?”

“Addison,” I start as I reach for her.

“What did they pay you to do?” she repeats, louder than the last.

I pull my hand back and try to even my tone, explaining calmly. “I was paid to eliminate threats. All kinds of threats, but in the past few years, mostly terrorism.”

“Eliminate?” Her voice disappears into a whisper.

My jaw goes hard, answering in a single clipped word. “Yes.”

She keeps whispering. “You didn’t arrest them, did you?”

I exhale and say firmly, “No.”

Surprisingly she stands her ground, not wavering. There’s no doubt in my mind she now understands what I’ve done the past ten years.

“You killed them,” she states.

“Yes.”

“You were a contract killer,” she goes on.

I pause, trying to figure out what she’s thinking. “Yes.”

“You worked for governments to kill people?” her voice comes louder.

“No,” I quickly refute. “I never officially worked for anyone. Like I said, some might call me a Soldier of Fortune, but I wasn’t a soldier for anyone. If I was caught or captured, not one person would lay claim to me. Those who contracted my services would deny any connection, including our own CIA. I worked at my own risk, but I did it knowing it was the right thing to do. I knew it then, and I know it now.”

Her face falls. “Were you ever captured?”

I sigh and take a step closer, needing to touch her. Needing her to let me touch her. I reach out, dipping my hand around her neck and give her a squeeze when I soften my voice. “No. I was very good at what I did.”

She doesn’t pull away from me—which is a good sign—even if she still looks confused and surprised. I go on, hoping she’ll let me explain more.

“My dad was killed in an explosion. Police were called to a home in a run-down neighborhood in the District where citizens reported unusual activity. Three other officers reported to the house with my dad. When they started to investigate, a bomb went off. The area was booby-trapped, most likely to protect whatever was going on inside. Killed three of the four, one being my dad. Later, they proved it was terrorist recruits, building shit to plant here in the States.”

She reaches up, grasping my forearm, her face pained for me, for my loss. I hate that look on her face, but I keep going.

“The story was huge in the media—a fallen officer always is. Multiply that times three and throw in terrorist activity, it was off the charts. The families were thrown into the public eye—the funerals were enormous and there was no privacy. I was twenty-three, fresh out of college and following my dad’s footsteps in law enforcement. I was made to be the perfect son by the public, comforting my mom and younger brother. I was forced to be in the limelight, something I loathed. I was even fucking celebrated because my dad was killed in the line of duty and I was carrying on his legacy by serving myself. I fucking hated it.”

Her brow furrows and she takes a step closer, placing her hand on my chest over my heart, just like she did at the White House. Even with what I’m rehashing, it feels just as good as it did then. If possible, it feels even better. Anxious to finish this for good, I keep talking.

“The network of people I worked with recruited me a couple months later. They targeted me because of what happened to my dad and because I had skills they wanted. I’m a good shot, Addison. Even back then, I worked the roof of the White House because I was the best. Now, after years of training, I’m even better. They taught me hand-to-hand combat, how to disappear in a crowd, surveillance, how to survive in any and every condition. I’m fluent in six languages. They taught me everything, but that was only for backup. I never needed it. My shot is that good.”

“You…um, only…” She bites her lip, trying to find her words. “Targeted…bad guys?”

I grimace and squeeze her neck. “Fuck yes, Addison. I’m not gonna kill the good guys. Holy shit, who do you think I am?”

She tries to pull away but I hold steady when she brings up her defenses, turning frustrated. “I’m just making sure. Don’t talk to me that way. I’m sorry to offend you—I’ve never heard of a Fortune Soldier before, let alone met one. How was I supposed to know?”

I look down into her pissed off face, her dark brown eyes narrowed. Cupping the back of her head, I fist her chestnut hair and slowly close my eyes, tipping my forehead to hers.

“Baby,” I whisper with nothing but relief. “It’s Soldier of Fortune, and even I don’t call myself that. You make me sound like a Fortune Teller.”

“Sorry,” she lowers her voice and I open my eyes to look at her. “If you have a business card, I’ll try and get it right when I introduce you to people.”

I narrow my eyes at her sarcasm.

“It was dangerous?” she asks. I purse my lips before answering, wanting to be as vague as possible when it comes to the details of my past life. Impatient, a new look falls over her face, a look mixed with panic and concern. “It was really dangerous, wasn’t it? Of course, how could it not be?”

“Sometimes,” I answer quickly, wanting to put her at ease since it doesn’t matter anyway.

“But you’re done?” she pushes. “Done with it for good?”

I take a breath before explaining. “I’ve retired, so yeah. I’m done. I could officially retire and never work another day, but that’s not me. I can’t not work—I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. The people I contracted for don’t let you out easily. My way out was to train others to do what I did.”

“You’re training killers,” she states, her eyes going big as if she’s trying to get a grasp on all I’ve just told her.

I give her a squeeze. “Yeah.”

She pulls her soft lip between her teeth again, mulling all this over. Then, quickly, her eyes dart back to mine and her voice comes out in a rush. “You’ll never go back, right?”

My voice drops hearing the fear laced in hers. “I’m done.”

“I’m glad you’re done.” She gives me a squeeze.  “Not because I’m judging what you did, but because of the danger.  I think it would make me crazy to think about you putting yourself out there like that now.  I don’t know if I could handle that, Crew.”

She exhales and relief spreads over her beautiful face.  That look settles in my gut like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  Not only for her to know the truth, but to accept me, and now I don’t have to worry about keeping anything from her.  

“You see what’s happened here, right?” I start.

“What?”

I turn her, walking her backwards to her bed. “I’ve given you what you wanted—I trusted you. You’ve got complete control over me now. I all but disappeared for ten years. I was a ghost. I wanted to be after what happened to my dad—I had to be. There’re people in this world who want me dead for what I’ve done. I’ve crippled organizations, taken out entire cells, broken up networks. I told you everything because I want you.”

“I can’t say it doesn’t kind of freak me out, but you can trust me, Crew.”

“Because of what you’ve been through, the way you’ve had to live your life, and from what I’ve seen of you the past week, I don’t doubt that. I never would’ve told you otherwise.”

I’ve got her pinned against her bed when she smiles a small smile. “I’m glad.”

“Now I need something from you.”

Her smile disappears. “What?”

I look intently into her eyes, wanting what I’m about to suggest to happen more than anything. I even need it, but more, I want it so she can let go. I want to do it for her, give that to her, and make it great for us.

“I want you to give up another kind of control, Addison. I want you to give it all to me, completely and wholly.”