Merit
Granite Harbor, Maine
Present Day
After the doctor’s appointment in Granite Harbor, we drive down Main Street. Granite Harbor is a small town tucked against the East Coast. Even though Granite Harbor could make more money from its tourist season with more inns, more restaurants, and more specialty shops, we won’t build more. We love our small town, and adding more won’t give it the same quaint feel when you get here. I see that nothing has really changed in the time I’ve been gone. And I can’t decide if it’s suffocating or reminiscent.
“You miss it?” Ryan is looking out the window.
Yes.
I left because I couldn’t bear seeing Ryan with another woman. I would have stayed or come back after college if he’d only asked.
“Sometimes.”
Harbor Theater, Merryman’s Restaurant, The Angler’s Tavern, Ring’s Pharmacy, and The Harbor Inn are five staples that have been here since my childhood. The history of the town is what we want to preserve. We get the tourists who commute in and those who plan ahead to stay. Lampposts line Main Street and give the small town the magical flair during our winters. Just like a Norman Rockwell painting. It used to be that locals would steer clear of Main Street during peak hours between ten a.m. and two p.m. during the summertime. Our population didn’t quite double, but traffic seemed to increase with both walkers and drivers.
I look at the clock. Locals know where to go when the town fills with guests. From Lobster Tom’s, just north of town, to the quiet beach just south of the harbor, which was my spot, where Ryan first kissed me.
“That was dumb, coming downtown at noon with all the tourists.” I laugh at myself as we follow a Buick LeSabre that seems to be running on vacation time.
While tourists stop, look, take photos, laugh, eat, or walk, they pass us and the LeSabre ahead of us.
“We have some time to kill. We can go see Eli and Alex.” Ryan looks at me.
“Hey, guys!” Alex is standing on the porch, waving with one hand and holding Emily with the other.
We exchange hugs, and then I grab for Emily. “Let me see my girl.” I carefully take Emily from Alex while she’s asleep on her mother’s shoulder. “Is she ever awake?” I cradle her head in the crook of my arm.
Ryan kisses Alex on the cheek. “Eli working?”
“Oh, no, he’s in the shop in the back.”
“Ryan Taylor, you hurt yourself, and you’ll feel my wrath.”
I stare him down, but he’s not looking at me. He’s looking at Emily in my arms, transfixed. I catch his eye.
“What?” he asks.
Don’t do this, Ryan, not here.
I shake off the cold feeling his stare gives me.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” I say.
“Yeah, there’s not much I can do.” He turns and walks to the back of the house and out the back door to the shop behind the house.
Alex eyes me, though her words don’t come.
“What?” I drop my shoulders, looking to Alex and then back to Emily, who’s asleep in my arms.
I use my other hand and comb her soft hair. She smiles intermittently, and knowing what I know about babies, which is minimal, she’s not smiling because of what she’s dreaming about; it’s probably gas.
I sigh, bending down, gently kissing her forehead and taking in her scent. “Babies always smell so good.”
“Come on. I’ll get you some iced tea,” Alex says. She stops. “Or a cocktail?”
“I’d better stick to tea. I’ve got to drive home.” When I say home, I mean, Ryan’s. A feeling enters me that is uncomfortable. I try to brush it off, but it sticks with me like jealousy to a black heart.
You remember how this ended the first time, Merit. Don’t let him fool you again.
“How’s he doing?” Alex asks as I sit down at the dining room table, Emily still fast asleep in my arms while Alex pours the tea.
“He’s so damn hardheaded. I’d forgotten. Thanks,” I say as she hands me a glass.
Alex sits down across the table, staring adoringly at her child. Her eyes meet mine.
“You know, since the accident, he wasn’t taking any pain medication until I came along?”
Her mouth falls open. “What?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. He was in so much pain. Little asshole. I told him he didn’t have a choice.”
“Eli told me about Dubbs and his issues.”
I lean down and give Emily another kiss. “Yeah, he’s a real piece of work. I can’t understand how a sweet, innocent child can be left to the devices of a completely narcissistic asshole. Sorry, Em,” I whisper in her ear. Em … I love the way that sounds.
“It’s amazing how Ryan turned out.” She takes a sip of her tea.
“I know,” comes out of my mouth quicker than I’d like.
What I notice, too, is what Alex doesn’t say. She doesn’t mention the fact that he’s slept with half the state of Maine. I’m almost certain she’s seen that side of him.
“How’s the writing?” I ask.
“It’s good. For now. I can get stuff done while she naps. But I’m not so sure how it will work once she’s mobile. I have a feeling, she’s going to be hell on wheels.”
“You’ll make it work.” I stare at Emily’s outline. Her forehead, her button nose, perfect lips, and little chin.
You didn’t get the chance to make it work, Merit. Accept that.
“You guys want to stay for dinner? Nothing fancy, just pizza from Granite Harbor Pizza Company. We can see if Pop and my mom want to come, too?”
Shit. I haven’t seen Pop yet. “Have you talked to Pop?”
“Eli ran the idea of you helping with Ryan by him, so I think he knew you were coming.”
Pop has a soft spot for Ryan. He’s always had a lot of respect for Ryan for sticking it out with Dubbs. Never complaining. Even though we tried for years to get Ryan to come live with us. I think it was when Pop started taking notice to the way Ryan looked at me that Pop knew Ryan felt differently toward me than he did most people. Pop was a colonel in the Warden Service when he finally retired. Took Ryan under his wing. Secretly, I think Pop was pulling for Ryan and me. Though my brother never noticed us. Probably because he was so caught up with Grace, Eli’s now ex-wife. And also because I didn’t want him to know.
The boys come through the back door.
“God, it’s hot out there.” Eli comes in first, kisses Alex on the mouth and me on the cheek. “You still mad at me?”
“Shut up. It’s good you have a great wife and a super-cute kid.”
Ryan leans against the counter, and I see him flinch.
“You guys want to stay for dinner?” Eli leans in the fridge and grabs two beers. He hands one to Ryan.
“Better ask the warden about the beer,” Ryan says as his eyes fall to mine.
I shrug. “You’re a big boy. You can make big-boy choices. But”—I stand and hand my niece to Alex—“I have to pee.”
I come out of the bathroom and freeze in my tracks when I see Ryan holding Emily with his good arm. His biceps are as big as Emily. He’s got his cheek resting on the top of her head. A violent surge of tears gets stuck in my throat—thankfully.
I cough. “Going to run out to the car real quick.”
Ryan catches my eye, and he knows. He knows I’m stuck, caught, somewhere between anger and sadness.
“I’ll go with you,” he says.
“No, you won’t.” I open the front door because I can’t breathe.
We say our good-byes to Meredith, Pop, Eli, and Alex as we make our way down to the truck.
Silence can be loud. It can crawl into the dark corners of a lit room and worsen, sitting where quiet secrets fester, spreading like weeds across issues in our own heads.
“Can we tal—” he starts.
“No.”
A pin drops. A cymbal sounds. A burning in my ear begins from the quiet that hurt created.
The road is dark as we follow the yellow line to Hallowell.
I don’t have to look over to see that his jaw is flexed. That his lips are in a thin line. That he’s deep in thought. I don’t have to look because I know him like I know my own heart. I know him better than he knows himself. And the hard, cold truth is, he knows me better than I know myself. I don’t dare breathe a word, for fear that fire will light the dashboard, and I’ll say something that I’ll regret.
Bide your time. Do your good deed, Merit. Then, let go. For good.
We get out of his truck when we get to his house, and I don’t offer to help him out. I don’t offer to help him up the steps of his house. I quickly walk to the front door, unlock it, and leave it open for him. Setting my purse down, I stop. My back to the door.
He’s breathing hard, and he’s behind me too quick. “Merit, don’t you dare walk away from me. Look, we don’t have to talk about it, but, fuck, please don’t walk away.”
“I’m going to bed,” I whisper. “Your pain medication”—I pull it from my purse and set it down—“take it before you go to bed.”
“Merit.”
“Stop, Ryan. Just stop.” I hold up my hand. “I can’t.”
After washing my face in the bathroom down the hall, I tiptoe back to my bedroom, careful not to run into Ryan, and shut the door, attempting to push out the world, including Ryan. I shut off the light and roll to my side, lying in darkness.
And the tears silently start to fall.
I hear a quiet knock on the door and feel his tone through his broken words. “Merit, please, talk to me.”
But I don’t answer him. I just let the tears fall against the pillow. I cry for him. For me. And for the world and its totally fucked up timing.
My phone vibrates on the nightstand. It’s a text from Abbey.
Abbey: Hey. Just wanted to tell you that someone was thinking about you right now at this very moment. And I miss you. Ethel had her baby. You’d be proud.
And the tears start to fall as I shake in my own silence.
“What’s on the agenda for today?” I ask as Ryan slowly makes his way to the kitchen the next morning.
“Was thinking we could hike Tolman Pond. Count eels. Run a few miles in the afternoon, and then eat red flannel hash for dinner,” Ryan says.
I can’t help but smile and gag at the same time. “Too bad we don’t have leftovers.” Sarcasm is loud and clear, and Ryan hears it.
He laughs.
I laugh.
I’m thankful what happened last night doesn’t make its way into today. My hope is that we can leave it where it belongs. I know we’ll eventually need to talk about it but not right now.
The morning sun pours through the kitchen window as I stand at the counter. I welcome it.
“We could head to headquarters. I have a few things I need to do there.” His tone is light.
I feel him only inches behind me. His proximity gives me the chills, just as it always has.
“I’ll grab some stuff for dinner while we’re in town.” Make up for last night, I want to say.
When are you going to forgive him, Merit? At the very least. You don’t have to date him. Have sex with him. Or marry him. But, at least, after all these years, finally forgive him.
“I have some moose meat in the freezer. Can you still make those kabobs that you used to? Wrapped in bacon?”
“I think I can do that. You sure are a pain in the ass though, Mr. Taylor.”
“When you’re absolutely sure about something, like the kabobs, everything else comes second. It always will.”
Meaning, he’s not talking about the kabobs, he’s talking about us. He gives me a side-eye and doesn’t smile; it’s a serious look. One he doesn’t give the neighbor. Or a person he’s arresting. This look is only for me. Whether he knows he’s doing it or not, I feel it in my bones. In my stomach. In my stupid heart that is really betraying me right now.
“One more thing, Dubbs is stopping by. We have business to take care of.”
Just the mention of his name makes the hair at the back of my neck stand at attention. My lip curls.
His life, not your life, Merit. Anger pools in my stomach. You’re here to help Ryan. Not make things worse. A new day.