Merit
Hallowell, Maine
Present Day
I stand in the entryway, behind Ryan.
I want to remind Dubbs about each time Ryan came to our house with a new bruise that two kids had to keep a secret to protect him. That, every time Ryan had a new cigarette burn, he’d make an excuse to hide the way you didn’t love him. Every time you broke his heart. The time you killed his dog. You broke your son, and he defends you to this day. Not because he has to, but because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. That nothing can be done about it.
I want to say, I hate you, Dubbs, for taking a perfect human being and creating scars that sit in his subconscious, the ones I see come alive in his nightmares. And, when he’s trying to move on with his life, you seem to make appearances that set him back a few paces. You always do this; you might not know it, but you do. I see that because Eli and I have been there. The Young family has been there for Ryan, even at times when he didn’t want us to be. I don’t hate you, Dubbs Taylor, but Ryan should.
“You all right?”
“Jesus Christ!” Ryan jumps and grabs his ribs, all at the same time, and after a minute, he says, “How long have you been there?”
“Long enough.”
Ryan’s looking at me with the same eyes he did when we were kids, and he was scared to death of his father. Though it’s changed over time and the fear isn’t so loud, I see the residual effects of the abuse in his adulthood. Him wanting to help his dad, no matter the cost. Ryan Taylor, Granite Harbor’s ladies’ man. But I still see the nine-year-old boy staring back at me. Eyes that have changed with time. A guarded look. More protection, more armor since our last encounter. Our past lives it seems.
“Want to head to headquarters?”
He tries to walk past me, tries to run away from this, but I gently grab his arm as he passes.
“Why do you continue to help him?”
I feel the tension surging through his body.
“Because no one else will.”
My grip loosens, but he moves closer.
“What about you, Ryan? Who is going to help you?”
I have flashbacks of when we were kids. When the grief for my mom got so heavy some days that I couldn’t get out of bed, Ryan would come to my bedside and bring me breakfast and lunch while Pop or Eli would take over at dinner. And, when Dad had to work overtime, Ryan would be back. He would stand me up on my own two feet when I couldn’t walk. I’d trudge forward. I had a family to take care of.
His words permeate and twist in my mind. “Because no one else will.”
Please don’t touch me, I pray.
He reaches up with his good arm, and his large hand slowly takes me at my cheek where he rubs my jaw with his thumb.
Breathe, Merit. Just breathe.
His deep, dark navy-blue eyes fold into mine, and I remember all the times he helped me from the floor when I didn’t think I could help myself. So badly, I want to take his hurt and his loss, just as much I know he wanted to take mine away after my mom died. This is the Ryan I fell in love with.
“What?” I ask, trying to remember where we were in all this. My hand slides from his arm because my entire body is on fire right now.
“Nothing,” he says, his lips inches from mine.
I remember how well our mouths moved together. How good he felt against my body. His hardness ached for more in moments when we couldn’t go any further. The way his mouth felt against my insides. The way we moved like sand and water. He sank into me, and we lost sight of who we were as separate people. I wonder, too, if that was our age. Our youthfulness. Wanting nothing more than to be united as one.
The drive to headquarters is only six minutes from Hallowell. It’s quiet and quick. Knowing I’ll see people Ryan and I have both known since we were kids, people I haven’t seen in quite some time, I’ll have to put on a face that doesn’t reflect what my insides feel. Many will be my dad’s colleagues. I’m sure it will bring up reminders of my mother. Though the good reminders, not the bad.
“You can pull in here,” Ryan directs.
I pull into the spot next to a Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife van.
We walk into the department, and the familiar scent of a well-kept, dated building wafts through my nose, bringing a piece of my childhood back. A safe, secure feeling reminds me of where I am. A distinct smell. The office is bustling with wildlife biologists, secretaries, leaders. Printers sound. Phones ring. Nothing has changed since I left, and yet everything has.
“Well, if I didn’t know better, I’d say this is the clone of the long-lost Merit Young coming through the doors of the department. This time, you decided to pay us a visit,” Linda says with open arms from behind the counter.
“Hey, Linda.” I drift into her arms.
Her scent of vanilla is familiar, warm.
She whispers as her arms close in around me, “Heard you were in town.” She pulls back and looks me over. “Girl, you need some food. Meat on your bones. You feedin’ her, Warden Taylor?”
Ryan smiles. “You try to give this woman direction, Linda.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Well, there are doughnuts in the staff lounge.” She rubs my shoulder before she goes back to her desk. “Good to see you, Mer.” She winks.
“We have to go see the benefits manager. She’s in the back,” Ryan whispers to me.
I follow him to an office in the back.
My mouth twitches when I see the leggy brunette stand from behind her desk. Her hair is pulled back into a tight, sleek ponytail. Her glasses give her a sophisticated look. And her facial features are blaring reminders that bone structure is key to beauty.
She’s beautiful and smart. Wonderful.
“Warden Taylor,” she drawls, coming around her desk. But then she sees me and stops in her tracks. “Oh, hello.”
“Faynette Dowd, this is Merit Young.” Ryan stands between us.
Faynette. What kind of name is Faynette?
I assume she’s Southern by her accent. The best of me is robbed by jealousy, and grace seems to be unreachable today.
I shove my hand out to take hers. “Hello. You must be new here.” I establish my time in the department with my tone. Time of not employment, but time spent growing up in this building with its people. Hours spent on the floor, Eli and me, with coloring crayons while Dad pulled long nights sometimes.
Faynette takes my hand. “I am. Just started about six months ago.”
“Well, welcome. It’s a great place to work.” I look to Ryan.
“That paperwork you called for?” Ryan scratches the back of his head for no reason at all but maybe to break the tension in the office.
“Oh, right, yes.” She walks back around her desk and pulls his file. She takes a packet and gives it to Ryan. “Get this signed by your doctor.”
“Will do,” Ryan says.
“Warden Taylor? Can I have a word with you?” Faynette asks as we turn to leave.
Ryan looks to me as if to ask my permission. This is Faynette’s way of getting me out of her office. I’m a woman. I know her tricks.
“I’ll be out front with Linda.” I try to act as if I don’t care in the slightest. But, really, my heart is pounding in my chest.
Why? Ryan and I aren’t together. She’s gorgeous. Who cares?
But a little voice inside me says, You do.
I walk to where I’m out of earshot of Faynette and Ryan.
Look.
Don’t look.
Look.
Stop.
I look.
Ryan’s settled back on the heels of his feet, his good arm at his side, a look on his face that is unapologetic.
She’s talking to him, rubbing her forehead with her hand, staring at him. I can’t hear anything they’re saying, but I can tell Ryan is trying to keep it professional.
She moves a little closer to Ryan, but he doesn’t budge. The same unapologetic face is worn well. She reaches in for a hug, but his body stays as is until he touches her waist. Carefully shakes his head. Gently pushes her away.
And I walk to the front.
“How’s your dad?” Linda asks as I come around front. “Blood clot fine now?”
I lean against her desk, pushing the feeling to throw up back down. “Yeah, he seems to be doing really well.” I’m only half in the conversation.
“Has a new girlfriend I see.”
I’m not sure how I would classify Meredith Fisher. We all adore her, but Pop hasn’t come right out and said that he and Meredith are dating. Maybe it might be awkward since she’s Alex’s mom, and Eli and Alex are married. But they have fun together, and they both love Emily. I think there comes an age where companionship becomes more important than sex ever will be.
“You ready?” I hear Ryan’s voice behind me.
I try not to look at him, so I don’t make assumptions based on his facial gestures.
Don’t read into it, Merit. He’s not yours. Anymore.
I try to pretend that seeing him and Faynette together in her office didn’t affect me, but it did. It shouldn’t have, but it did.
“Yes.” I walk around to Linda and give her neck a squeeze. “Good to see you,” I say into her thinning, dark hair.
“You, too, sweetheart. You’re not a girl anymore. You’re a beautiful young woman. You should have seen the eyes in the department move when you walked in.”
Ryan’s eyes dart around, as if trying to see who’s looking and who’s not.
We leave headquarters. The air smells fresh, untouched, as the morning sun welcomes us to the outside. It’s warm but not uncomfortably warm, just as I remember the summers in Maine.
What I want to ask is what I shouldn’t. Who’s Faynette? Have you fucked her, too?
I unlock the truck, and we get in. There’s a silence among us that wafts like smoke.
Ryan’s staring at me.
“What?” I ask, putting the truck in reverse.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful.”
His look smolders across the center console, and when he reaches my face, all my words leave me.
I turn my eyes to the road, pull away from the parking space, and don’t say a word. My heart hits the floorboard, and I feel every inch of his words even though I don’t want to.
Sometimes, questions are better left unasked. Sometimes, the seconds between the question and answer can be debilitating. This makes me realize that my feelings for Ryan haven’t faded. They’re still sitting in the dark corners of my heart, waiting for him and only him. Feelings that I’ve been pushing away for years. Feelings that I could never give another man, which explains the lack of love in my life. It explains why the handful of relationships I’ve had in the past haven’t worked. I have an excuse. An explanation for each one.
Leif wore the wrong pants, which down the rabbit hole my mind went, eventually led to the issue I had with his cats. His murderous cats, Penelope and Cruz, that plotted my death while I slept. And I’m an animal lover.
Travis snored.
Blaine rushed into things too early, and I wasn’t willing to wear his ring.
Steven was too perfect, and … well, there’s no such thing.
This is also why I’ll never be able to love Ryan forever. The brokenness he left in his wake when he walked out that day, I’m still recovering from it. He ruined me. Set the bar too high.
“Do you want to know who Faynette is?” Ryan asks.