Chapter Thirteen
Blue Christmas
Nora was pretty sure the silence in the room was on account of the way her heart stuttered in her chest for a painful beat or two. Pressure squeezed around her lungs until she drew in a breath. Her throat went tight at the thought of them together. An “us.”
She looked all over his handsome face, trying to avoid looking into his eyes, but the pull was too strong. And the softness there was too painfully wonderful for her to bear. Because she knew she’d love to give moving back to Climax serious thought—if his children weren’t involved. But they were. And the last week and half was all she needed to know that she wasn’t equipped to be a mother.
She wasn’t mom material. She was nothing like Holly. Based on the few snippets she’d heard from the kids, Hawk, and a little bit of gossip her stupid ears had picked up tonight, Holly had been the perfect mother and wife. How was Nora supposed to fill those shoes?
No way would Hawk have an affair with her with his kids right there soaking up all the gossip flying around the Grapevine. Hawk needed something committed…something stable…for HL and Heather. She also knew she couldn’t live in Climax and watch Hawk find exactly that with another woman.
She took a sip of her wine, trying to force herself to confront the truth. Because she’d been hiding from it the last few days with Hawk. Making love with abandon, shoving the reality of the situation deep away so she could steal these precious moments with him. One last hurrah, so to speak. But she couldn’t anymore. Time to deal with reality.
“I can’t. I can’t think about us because of your children.”
“You don’t like my kids?”
“Ha! I wish!”
“You wish you didn’t like my kids? Why do you want to dislike my kids?” By this time, Hawk had taken his hands off her and had his arms crossed over his chest.
He’d gone into protective Daddy mode, which was sexy as hell, dammit. The man wasn’t making this easy.
“If I didn’t like your kids so much, this wouldn’t hurt. But I do like them. Hell, I probably love them. They’re amazing. Which is why I can’t think about you and me. I have no idea how to parent. Not only did I not have a father, but my mother was a case study in how not to parent.”
He reached a hand out, cupping her face. “Nora, lots of people have crappy parents but end up doing a good job with their own kids.”
“Well, maybe that’s the difference. Maybe they have to be your own kids for it to work. And don’t think I haven’t tried.” Nora shot up and moved to the small desk in the corner where her backpack sat on the floor. She grabbed out a stack of books before stalking back and tossing them onto the coffee table in front of him one at a time. “The Modern Parent, Everything You Wanted to Know About Eight-Year-Old Boys but Were Afraid to Ask, How to Survive the Tween Years, Your Child’s Emotional Health. Plus I’ve listened to podcasts and watched YouTube videos. You know what that means?”
“That you give a damn?”
“It means no matter how hard I try, I suck at it. The thought of screwing up and hurting HL or Heather—the way my parents did me—scares me. They’re so great and they’ve already had to deal with so much.”
She paced back and forth between the Christmas tree and the TV, noticing Hawk had nothing to say. Because everything she was pointing out was sinking in. He was probably feeling like he’d dodged a bullet now that she’d put everything into perspective for him.
“And what if they don’t like me? What if they end up hating me? I hated many of my mother’s boyfriends.”
“Nora, they like you.”
“Sure, HL thinks it’s funny when I burn his meals now. But what about six months from now when it’s no longer a novelty?”
“I can cook. Or we’ll pick up meals from the diner.”
“It’s not that simple. My mom either acted like my manager or my best friend. When I was in college, she wanted to get high with me. When I told her I didn’t do drugs, she went and got high with my sorority sisters. That’s what I have in my parenting tool box.”
“I think you’re being awfully hard on yourself. I mean, you’ve been around kids for less than two weeks. It takes time.”
“You can say that after the way I screwed up with HL? Poor kid wouldn’t be crushed about the lights if it weren’t for me.”
“Hey, once he gets past the disappointment, he’ll realize he had a lot of fun decorating with you.”
“It’s not just HL. I almost messed up with Heather too.”
“How so?”
“I bought her those bras. Who do I think I am? I’m not her mother. She barely knows me let alone likes me. She doesn’t want some woman to come barging into her life and buy her underwear!”
“You don’t know that. I swear to God, before you arrived on our doorstep I was praying for someone to come along and—” He stopped in midsentence and an odd look settled on his face.
“To come along and what?”
Hawk’s hazel eyes looked thoughtful, like he was solving some great mystery of the world. They refocused on her with a bright intensity that made her knees weak. “How about this… Since you don’t have any other plans yet, and you’re still trying to decide on try outs for the Olympic team… Why not stay with us a bit longer?”
“I think it’s best if I leave after Christmas, like we planned.” Nora looked away from him, shifting her gaze to the books she’d spread out, letting them reinforce her utter failure and giving her the strength to do the right thing. She glanced at him and then away. “I got a call this afternoon about an interview to coach at a Division I school.”
He froze, closing his eyes and exhaling a breath. He tilted his head, and stared at the carpet for a long silent moment.
“So let me get this straight. You aren’t going to try a comeback for the gold medal. And you aren’t going to stay in Climax with us…with me.” His gaze latched on to hers and wouldn’t let go. “I never thought I’d see the day when Nora Joy turned chicken.”
“Ha! Easy for you to say. I’m the one taking all the risk.”
“You think so? Because I loved and lost seven years ago. And it feels like a hell of a risk to be willing to go through that again.” He rose from the couch and moved to stand in front of her. Reaching out, he cupped her jaw, running his thumb across her bottom lip, meeting her eyes with a look filled with emotion. Pain, but hope too. He tucked a curl of hair off her face, then leaned forward, giving her the softest kiss. “Please, Nora, just think about staying.”
He kissed her once more, this time deeper, beckoning her with his intensity and passion. So sweet and powerful she wanted to throw her arms around him and never let go. He pulled away just before she gave into the urge.
She licked her lips and backed up another foot to a safer distance. “I should head to bed. It’s been a busy day.”
“You’ll need your rest for the Reindeer Games tomorrow. We’re counting on you to score most of our team’s points. Good night, Nora.”
* * * *
Hawk watched Nora walk away with a heavy heart. He dropped down onto the couch and took a gulp from his untouched glass of wine. Fuck. Why was love so damn complicated? Too fast, Hawk. You’re moving too fast and scaring her. Just because she liked his children and got along with them didn’t mean she wanted to be an instant parent. He needed to back off and slow down.
“Dad?”
He tilted his head backward on the couch to see his daughter walking into the room. “I thought you were long asleep.”
“I heard you and Nora talking.” She sat next to him on the couch and shrugged. “I didn’t mean to, but I heard her say she’s probably leaving after Christmas, and it’s my fault, Daddy. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Hawk reached his hand over, patting her knee.
“I wasn’t very nice to her when she first arrived, but I didn’t mean to be like that. It’s just that I was afraid.”
Hawk sat up so he could see Heather’s face clearer. “What were you afraid of?”
“The only other time you brought a woman home to meet us, it didn’t go well. At all. It felt like she was forcing her way in, like she tried to act like our mother before we even knew her. Before she even knew us. Then I realized that was because she didn’t really want to know us. She only wanted you. So when Nora arrived, and I saw you liked her—”
“How could you tell I liked her? I totally played it cool.”
Heather rolled her eyes. “Daddy, you tried. But you look at her differently. Like a pretty goofy look, and it makes Nora have trouble breathing, so probably not that goofy.”
“You are entirely too observant for your own good.”
“You also put up with her messes in the kitchen. You’re the biggest neat freak but all you see is her—not really the mess she makes.”
“She is sort of like her own weather system. She blows in and creates chaos.”
“Yeah.” Heather’s lips tilted up. “But it’s nice. She doesn’t do any of it for show. She’s real, you know? And full of energy and action. She’s a lot like—”
“HL. I know. She’s genuine. And nice.” She always had been. Fame hadn’t changed who she was.
“Like mom was, only very different. I want you to be happy, Dad. I know you don’t need my permission, but I like Nora.”
Hawk wrapped his arm around his daughter. “I like her too. A lot. But I’m glad you like her; I wouldn’t bring any woman into our family who made you or HL feel uncomfortable or unloved. You two come first.”
“I know, Dad.” Heather leaned her head against his chest, and together the two of them sat looking at the tree.
“I heard her say she bought me bras.”
“She did. So you also know she feels awful about it.”
“That’s crazy, because it’s exactly what I need. But even more, is having someone who can help me with that kind of stuff. I know you’ve tried, Daddy, but we’re getting into some serious female stuff in the next few years.”
“You’re not kidding.”
She giggled. “And I’d really like to have Nora in our lives and helping me through it.”
“I’d like that too. But Nora has concerns about her ability to be a good mom, and she won’t do anything that would hurt you and HL.”
“Don’t give up yet, Dad. Nora’s smart. Smart enough to figure out we need her. And that you’re a great catch.”
“Thanks, kiddo.” Hawk kissed the top of Heather’s head. “You want to sneak out with me early in the morning to pick up a new tree?”
“Yes! Maybe a real one. It could be our new tradition—now that we’re celebrating Christmas again.”