I hear someone knock on my door early in the morning but I refuse to get out of bed. Whoever it is goes away and I slump back against my pillows, wanting to bury myself in my duvet and never come out. My life feels like this eternal shower of shit raining down on me. In fact, no, it’s not. It’s just men. They can all go fuck themselves. I’m going to turn lesbian and live out my happy vag loving days without a single penis in sight.

A few hours later and someone is banging on the door again. I check my phone and see four missed calls from Poppy, one from Kyan. Fucks sake. I’m about to call Poppy back when I hear the hinges on the front door squeak open. A few seconds later and Poppy is standing in my bedroom doorway, her hands on her hips and judgment pouring off her. Of course, she has a key.

“It’s one o’clock. Why are you still in bed?” she asks. I groan and sit up, dragging my hand through my hair. “And you’re still wearing what you went out in last night,” she comments.

“Look, just…can we delay this caring little chat.” I know I’m being a snippy bitch but I just want to be left to sulk. Dear god, I sound like Finn. Maybe he’s rubbed off on me already.

Poppy sighs, flicking her long, dark hair over her shoulder. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing.”

“I know you, Hope, so cut the shit,” she says on a sigh.

I groan and pitch forward, face planting the duvet. “Finn and I—”

“About time!” she cuts in.

I sit up again and stare at her blankly. “He went down on me and then asked me to leave.”

Her eyes go wide before she schools her expression. “Oh, well….that’s…”

“Yeah, that’s something. That’s a load of shit is what that is. God, why am I so hopeless with men?” I flop back against my pillows with a huff. “It’s like they see me and just want to take a giant shit on me.”

“Did he say why?”

“Nope. Just freaked out. What is wrong with me?” I groan.

Poppy comes and lies on the bed next to me the same way we used to when we were teenagers. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Hope. You’re the best person I know and if Finn can’t see that, then he’s a dick.” I swallow the lump in my throat and emotions swirl around me in this volatile haze, not because of Finn. It’s him and Silas and just everything. Poppy wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my shoulder.

“Where’s the kid?” I ask.

“In the front room. He’s in his pram asleep.” She lifts her head, those blue eyes locking with mine. “You sure you’re okay?”

I nod and plaster a smile on my face. Fuck, look at me sulking about shitty boys to Poppy of all people. “I’m fine.”

She nods and kisses my cheek. “I have to go take Patrick swimming, but I’ll stop in later. Unless you want to come?”

I wrinkle my nose. “I am not getting in a pool full of babies dropping every bodily fluid known to man in a swimming pool.”

She just rolls her eyes, smiling as she gets up and leaves. I hear the front door click shut behind her and once again I’m alone.

* * *

I manage to wash and feed myself at some point, and I’m chewing on a piece of toast when there’s a knock on my front door again.

“Poppy, I’m fine,” I say, opening the door. I pause when I see Finn standing there. He slowly lifts his gaze to mine. His hands are shoved deep in his pockets and his shoulders are hunched forwards.

“What do you want?”

He takes a deep breath. “Can I come in? We need to talk.”

I consider slamming the door in his face for a moment, but I don’t because my stupid, hurt little feelings need consoling. He steps inside and I close the door behind him, leaning my back up against it. I refuse to move into the room or offer him a seat. He can say what he has to say and leave.

“I’m sorry,” he says, running a hand through his hair.

“Great, was that all?” I turn to pull the door open again, but he grabs my arm, his fingers lingering on my skin. He frowns as he stares at that one point of contact.

“Hope, please. Just…” He lets out an aggravated breath and squeezes his eyes shut for a second before they flash open again. “I shouldn’t have done that to you?”

I laugh humourlessly. “Are we referring to you making me come, or you kicking me out?”

“Fuck! Both!” he snaps. I glare at him. His eyes slowly rise to meet mine. “I like you, but I can’t offer you anything. I’m not good at this. Can we forget this happened and be friends again?”

And here I am again, stuck between a rock and a hard place because in that moment when his lips were on mine, his hands, his tongue…he made feel like someone special. And now I feel worthless. I want him though, I like him but would I rather keep him as a friend, or not have him at all? Honestly, I worry about him and even if he won’t admit it, I think that he needs me.

I take a deep breath and force down the foreign feelings that seem to be gravitating towards him. “Okay.”

He studies my face, his lips pressing together. “Okay?”

I nod, forcing a smile onto my face even as tears threaten. “Just don’t be attacking my vag anytime soon.” I open the door and duck my head so he can’t see my face. I’m not in love with Finn. I’m not. But just once I’d like to be the girl that’s good enough to date, rather than the girl who’s good enough to fuck or be a friend. It seems Silas was right. He may truly be the only person who will ever love me that way.

Finn passes me in the doorway and pauses, hesitating for a long moment. I see his hand reach towards me before he clenches his fist and retracts it. “Bye Hope,” he says, and then he leaves.

I close the door. “Bye, Finn.” I agreed to stay friends with him, so why does it feel like I just lost him?