Chapter13
Entry #: 1 A.C. (After Carson)
Mood: Conflicted
Title: Love and hate at the same time
I’m done with Russell. Once again, he’s proven that he ain’t shit. Why do I continue to choose the worst guys? What karma do I have that I don’t know about it? I’m thankful for Carson, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but his dad sucks. There’s nothing he can tell me about missing the birth. He wasn’t in a wreck. I told him not to leave. I TOLD HIM. But business comes first. He’s just like his dad.
Nariah pondered on the fact of never having met his family. They hadn’t even discussed it.
He’s so full of shit. I’m done with men. Carson is the only man I need. Maybe the prospects will be better in 18 years. I’m going to teach him the importance of keeping his word and how to treat the people he loves. He won’t be anything like Russell.
She snuck a peek at Carson, who was just waking up.
Damn those eyes. I guess I’m victim number one.
###
With Russell busy with business, Nariah and Carson got to spend some much needed time with her family. Tyra absolutely loved her grandson, possibly more than Nariah, who noticed that she was much softer with him. It gave some credence to the notion that Jacoby was in fact her favorite.
While the men were playing with the baby, Tyra pulled Nariah into the kitchen. “I’m so proud of you, especially with everything that’s going on.”
“Thanks Mommy.” Carson dissolved the walls around her heart in regard to her mother. They didn’t always see eye to eye, but Nariah knew she was in her corner.
“You know we’re always on your side and even if Russell—”
“He’s going to be in Carson’s life.”
“Even if for some reason he isn’t, you won’t be a single mother. I refuse to let that happen.”
“I know, Mommy.” The women hugged, their tears mixing as their cheeks touched. “Now let’s get back in there before they break my brand-new baby.” Nariah held back as her phone began ringing. Her snarl relayed who was calling.
Tyra’s eyes sent the message not to let him back in.
“I got it,” she reassured her. “Hello.”
“How are you?” Russell asked. “How’s Carson?”
“We’re both good. Do you need something?”
His sigh rushed through the speakers. “I want us back like we were. I know I messed up.”
“We can talk about co-parenting.”
“All I need is one more chance, baby. Please. Where are you? I’m coming to you right now,” he pleaded.
Nariah looked through the crack she made in the door, all three members of her family enthralled by Carson. Listening to Russell reminded her of the night he was conceived; the passion, the love that went into making him.
“I love you.”
The words, combined with the hurt in his voice melted some of the ice around her heart. She leaned against the counter, waiting for him to continue.
“All I’ve done is hurt you since we met. But I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t give up on me. I need you, baby. Tell me where you are.”
“Aren’t you at work?”
“You’re more important. And it’s not like they can fire me.” He laughed. “I need to see you. I need to see our son. What’s he doing?”
“Mom, Dad, and Jacoby are playing with him.”
“So you’re at your parents’ house?” Rustling sounded on the other end of the line. Russell barked some instruction before informing the person he yelled at to cancel his meetings and appointments for the rest of the day. “I’m on the way.”
###
Unlike the first time Russell met her family, Nariah wasn’t sitting beside him. Maxwell and Jacoby sat on either side of her, Tyra standing next to the couch, swaying Carson in her arms. He didn’t shy away from their glares nor their unspoken loathing. They were right in their feelings toward him and he respected that. When it was clear none of them were going to speak first, he cleared his throat in preparation of his first words. On the ride over, he prepared an explanation, the speech dissolving the moment he sat down.
“I love Nariah,” he began.
A short laugh came from Tyra.
“My actions haven’t shown that.”
Another laugh.
“I didn’t have my priorities in order. And to answer the question you asked me last time, Mrs. Tyra, no I didn’t learn how to maintain work-life balance from my father.”
Nariah understood what he was doing, her father’s and brother’s legs brushing against her own discouraged her from going to him.
“My dad, the great businessman he was, wasn’t a great father. When he was home, which was rare, he treated us like the objects that decorated our house. My siblings and I were nothing more than a second thought. His love for us was nonexistent. As I’m sure you can see, I’ve inherited the worst of him.” He combed his fingers through his hair.
Nariah recognized the longing in his eyes to hold Carson. Again, she decided not to intercede.
“That’s also the reason I haven’t taken Nariah to meet my family. Honestly, I don’t think he would care to meet her; maybe now because we have him—” he pointed to the sleeping newborn— “but that’s only because he has someone else to mold to his liking.” Russell paused.
Tyra left to put Carson down, returning seconds later. “I appreciate your honesty, but I have to think about what’s best for my family and I don’t think that’s you.”
“Honestly, Tyra…”
All eyes cut to the matriarch to see her reaction to him using her name without a prefix.
“...it doesn’t matter what you think,” Russell continued. “Being more honest, I don’t care. You can hate me or think Nariah deserves better, which I don’t agree with, but I want her to decide if I’m the one who can give it to her.”
All eyes shifted to the center of the couch.
The sudden attention raised goosebumps on her skin. Her mind scrambled to add the new information into her decision-making process. Should she take him back or not?
“I, we already talked about this Russell, you know how I feel. We’ve been through this twice already.”
“Baby, I know,” he scooted to the edge of his seat, “you and Carson mean the world to me. You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted. I have the chance to correct the mistakes my father made with me.”
“You can do that without us being together.”
Unable to take the distance between them any longer, Russell asked if he and Nariah could be alone. Surprisingly, the family obliged. He didn’t hesitate to fill the space her brother left. He pressed his hand against her cheek, shaking at her touch. Without a word going between them, his kissed her, holding it until he felt her relax. Pressing his forehead against hers, he whispered, “I’m not letting you go. You can hate me all you want as long as I have you in my life.”
“I don’t want that,” she denied.
“Then let me fix it.”
“We already tried—”
He kissed her again, cutting off the rest of her sentence. “Don’t say it. I’ll show you.” His fingers crept between her thighs. His breath grew heavier as they ventured inside her waistband. He stopped. “Is it okay?”
Nariah nodded, having gotten the go from Dr. Langston a few days prior. “Just go slow.” The fear of getting caught amplified the heat in her crotch. She widened her legs, making it easier for him to reach.
“I need you, baby.” His words tickled her neck, the tips of his fingers tickling her lips. A moan escaped him as he felt her wetness. “I’d be lost without you.” One finger circled around her opening before diving inside. He was gentle as he worked it in and out, the pace matching the pace of his breaths. “You’re my life. You gave me a beautiful son.”
Flashbacks returned her to their first night together. Unlike the hunger and curiosity he had then, love and knowing clothed each of his movements. She regained control of her neck muscles after the back of her head touched the couch. They weren’t alone. “Let’s go to the basement.”
Russell kept a look-out as she led the way down. The lights off, the sounds of denim sliding against their skin and rough choppy breathing were the only indications of their presence. He swept the magazines and books off the couch before guiding her down. The heat from their bodies left the cool draft unnoticed.
Nariah reminded him to go slow, spreading her legs. Her eyes rolled as he entered her. Arms finding their way around his neck, she pulled him closer. The feeling of him sliding in and out of her left her in a trance.
“You feel so good.”
She avoided speaking for fear of screaming out.
“I won’t let you go,” Russell moaned. “You’re mine.” The sofa legs squeaked as he increased his pace. “Say it.” The hunger had returned.
Smack.
“Tell me you’re mine.”
Nariah absorbed the sting in her ass, doubling down on her silence.
“Say it.”
Smack.
“Tell me,” he commanded. His orgasm arched his back, Nariah’s walls tensing around him making him shiver. He climbed out of her in search of something to clean up with. Finding a towel, he cleaned her first.
“Such a gentleman.”
He winked. “Always baby.”
They had just redressed and positioned themselves to appear normal when a yellow light stretched to the bottom step.
“Are y’all down here?” Maxwell called.
“Yeah Daddy. You can come down.”
Maxwell and Jacoby labored down the stairs. “Russell, I just wanted to let you know, man to man, you have my respect. A man never gives up on his family.”
“Thank you, Mr. Alexander,” Russell said, shaking his hand.
“Tyra is like a mama bear. While her concern isn’t misplaced, there’s also a hint of jealousy in it. I understand you still have room to grow. All Jacoby and I ask is that you take care of them.”
“You have my word.”
“Good. Your mom’s cooking. She sent us down here to tell you it’ll be ready in half an hour.”
“Thanks, Daddy.”
Jacoby lingered as Maxwell climbed back up the stairs. When neither he nor Russell were looking, he held his nose, giving Nariah a knowing smile. “Love you, sis.” He laughed.
“Love you too, butthole.”
A moment later, Russell and Nariah were once again shrouded in darkness. Unable to see, she couldn’t tell what he was doing as he moved away from her. She felt him in front of her. The height of the silhouette of his curls showed that he was on his knee.
“I should have done this the first day I met you.” He grabbed her hand. “I don’t know how many times I can tell you how much I love you. At this point, I think only action will do. I don’t have a ring right now—”
“Don’t,” Nariah stopped him. “We had sex, that doesn’t mean we’re back on good terms.” She straightened her clothes before ascending the stairs, leaving him on his knee.