I began to pick up speed as I neared the house again, going for the sprint finish. My lungs were about to explode, I could feel every muscle, sinew and tendon straining to the max as the lactic acid build up began to take over… and I couldn’t do it. Hitting the wall, I gave up and stopped, panting heavily, hands resting on the front of my burning thighs and clouds of breath surrounding me. Bloody kids. I couldn’t sleep past seven a.m. any more but was too out of shape to maximise the gold-dust opportunity of a Saturday morning run. The paradox of parenthood had struck again.

I started to walk the last bit, chest still heaving as I breathed the mushroomy dampness in the air and glanced at raindrops clinging to browning leaves. I wiped the sweat from my face and enjoyed the stillness of the quiet woods – but then the birds began to scatter in the trees above, flying away, chattering anxiously as I heard the distant wail of sirens approaching from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and stepped on to the verge as not one, but three police cars and an ambulance, lights flashing, shot past so fast I was covered in a fine mist of wet spray from the road and bits of grit and twig. I blinked and wiped my eyes in confusion, as it dawned on me that they were, of course, heading in the direction of our house.

Alex.

My panic was as physical as the sensation of falling just before sleep, and my body jolted into action. I started to run, fire tearing through my muscles instantly, but this time I didn’t stop. I should have checked her before I left. Why didn’t I do that? She’d told me she was desperate, and I left her to take sleeping pills, alone. Was I mad? Was I fucking MAD?

‘No!’ I gasped desperately, rounding the corner expecting to see the cars surrounding the cottage, the police breaking in – but there it was, just as I’d left it forty minutes earlier. No sign of any activity at all. I hurtled to the gate and shoved it open, before fumbling with my keys in the door and crashing up the stairs. I flung open the door to our bedroom, to see her lying on her side, still under the duvet, looking at her phone.

‘You’re all right!’ I exclaimed as the door smacked into the wardrobe. ‘Oh, thank God.’

She lifted her head up. ‘What on earth’s the matter? You look like you’re about to have a heart attack.’ She looked at my feet. ‘You’re also treading mud everywhere.’

I glanced down in confusion. She was right.

‘Sorry,’ I said automatically. ‘I thought you were—’ I was forced to stop and bend over to rest my hands on my thighs. I literally couldn’t catch my breath and thought I was about to be sick, or collapse. Maybe she was right and I was having a heart attack.

‘You thought I was what?’

‘I don’t even know really.’ I straightened up as I tried to calm down. ‘I was just – I saw three police cars and an ambulance go past in this direction, lights blaring. I was coming back from a run. I just – panicked.’

‘You thought I’d done something silly?’

‘Yes – no… I don’t know!’

‘I would never do that to you and the girls. Ever.’ She sat up properly, put her phone down on the mattress, and for the first time since it had all happened, she smiled properly at me. ‘I actually feel great. I slept and it was amazing. I took the pill, closed my eyes and thought “Well this is rubbish, nothing’s happening” opened them again and it was ten hours later!’

‘Wow!’ I said weakly, starting to take off my trainers. She was right – I’d made a right mess everywhere. ‘That’s impressive.’

‘Yes – and also very scary,’ she said. ‘You can see how people get addicted.’ She rolled over, sat up, and the open envelope tumbled out of a duvet crease. It was empty.

‘Alex, how many of those did you take last night?’ I stared at it.

‘Just one, honestly – stop worrying. I’ve left another for tonight, but I flushed the other two down the loo when I woke up. It was amazing to just pass out like that, but genuinely very unnerving, plus I’ve got this horrible metallic taste in my mouth that feels like I’m chewing on filings every time I so much as take a sip of water. I don’t want to take them again after this evening, and I definitely don’t want the girls finding them by mistake and popping one, given they’re just loose. Last night and tonight will be enough to reset me, I’m sure. I feel much better already, actually.’

She did look considerably more relaxed, but otherwise still pretty ropey. I took a deep breath again and smiled at her, determined to hold on to the positives. She’d slept all the night through.

‘That’s great. I’ll go and have a quick shower, then do you want something to eat?’

She threw back the cover. ‘It’s OK, I’ll make something for you. And then I thought maybe I could come with you to get the girls if that’s all right?’

I stared at her. She appeared to have more energy than she’d had for days. ‘Of course. Mum and Dad would love to see you.’

She smiled. ‘Let’s go after breakfast then. We better check the roads, I guess, if there’s been a big accident. We might have to go the back way. They really need to do something about how fast people come up that hill when traffic is trying to turn onto it from Bunny Lane.’

‘They do,’ I agreed. ‘You really do seem much brighter today, Al. That’s great.’

She hesitated. ‘I feel calmer really, not so overwhelmed and desperate. Nothing’s changed, obviously – but it’s so much harder to cope with things rationally when you’re severely sleep deprived too. And I’ve been thinking… the most important thing to me is making sure that Maisie and Tilly aren’t affected by any of this. They need to see me coping normally and, from now on, that’s what they’re going to get.’

I scratched my head. ‘But you were doing that anyway.’

‘I mean taking them to school, going out at weekends as a family. Not allowing myself to be distracted by his social media stuff. I refuse to let him ruin every single part of my life until this is resolved and everyone realises he has, in fact, been lying from the word go.’

She sounded determined – and I felt encouraged. Optimistic, even.

‘Sounds great to me.’

‘Good.’ She hesitated. ‘Listen, on the subject of him, something happened last night while you were at your mum’s. Gary Day came over.’

I froze. ‘What? Here?’

‘Yes. Just after seven. David was just leaving and—’

‘Sorry, wait—’ I couldn’t keep up. ‘What was David doing here again?’

‘He’d called in to pick up his mobile phone; he left it in the downstairs loo by mistake when he came at lunchtime,’ she explained patiently. ‘Thank God he did, otherwise I’d have been here on my own when Day rocked up.’

‘So what happened?’

‘I’d lost the bloody pills upstairs, David came up to help me look – worried that I was making it up and going to ask him for more, I expect – we found them, came back downstairs and the door went. I opened it and Gary was just standing there.’

‘You were upstairs with David?’ I tried to keep my voice calm and even.

She gave me a look. ‘Don’t. That’s exactly what Gary Day said. I opened the door, David was stood next to me – and he said: “well this is cosy. Hubby not in then, I take it?”’

I clenched my jaw but said nothing.

‘He’s so disgusting,’ Alex said vehemently. ‘I replied no, you weren’t in and would he mind explaining what he thought he was doing, coming to our house? He told me it was very simple. If either you or me go near his son again, he won’t be reporting us to anyone else, he’ll be sorting us out himself. He was calm – not ranty and out of control like he was in the surgery that morning – which was actually more unnerving, somehow.’ She shuddered. ‘Anyway, then David said: “just so we’re clear, you’re happy that I’ve just witnessed you say that?” To which Day replied – and I quote – “I couldn’t give a flying fuck”. He wished us a “happy night in” and left. David stayed for another half an hour after that. He offered to stay longer but I said you’d be back for nine. I took the sleeping pill, he left and I went to bed.’

‘You took a sleeping pill, in the house, on your own, when Gary Day had turned up out of the blue and had a go at you?’ I was incredulous.

She frowned, confused. ‘It wasn’t pleasant, but… I wasn’t afraid. You had been to his son’s school, it wasn’t completely unjustified.’ She shrugged helplessly.

‘I said sorry for that.’

‘Yes, I know. What I mean is, I can see it from his point of view, that’s all. I’d have reported you to the police, to be honest, so…’ She shrugged, looking tired again. ‘Anyway, I just thought you ought to know.’

‘Well of course I should know—’ I began, but she was already looking at the clock.

‘We should get a move on. You put the kettle on, I’ll be right down.’

Dismissed, I turned to leave the room.

‘Rob?’

I looked back over my shoulder.

‘I wasn’t having a go, then. I really was just telling you what happened. I actually want to say thank you for your support – practical and emotional. I wouldn’t be doing this without you.’ She realised what she’d said and coloured instantly, ‘I mean—’

‘I know what you mean, it’s OK,’ I said quickly. ‘And you’re welcome.’

Gary Day had been to our house and spoken to my wife. I was furious with myself for putting her at risk and actually I was glad that David had been here too. The thought of her being alone in the house and answering the door to that opportunistic, nasty piece of work made me feel as frightened as he’d intended.

---

‘Don’t slip on those leaves,’ I nodded, walking back from opening the gate, as she picked her way over to the Qashqai an hour later. ‘I need to sweep them all up later when it’s dried out a bit.’

She breathed the air deeply. ‘I love the way it smells in the forest when it’s been raining like this; pine cones and bracken, all cleansed. It reminds me of walks with Mum and Dad when I was little. They’d make up stories about fairies living in the tree trunks, then we’d go home to tea in front of the fire and watch The Muppets. Maybe that’s why this place appealed to me so much.’ She nodded at the cottage. ‘I’ve never thought about that before.’

We got into the car and I started the engine. ‘I think people are subconsciously drawn to architectural styles of houses that they were happiest in as a child,’ I said, pulling away. ‘Which is what sold it for me here – rather than just the setting.’

‘Hmmm,’ she pondered. ‘Maybe. I have always had a weird thing about townhouses – people being either side of you. You might be right. Anyway, do you want me to close the gate?’

‘Leave it,’ I said. ‘Saves a job on the way back. I checked and there’s no report of traffic problems, so we’ll just go the usual way, I think.’

We carried on up the road, falling into a companionable silence, then turned the bend. Immediately on my right I saw the police cars from earlier, parked up in the Forestry Commission clearing. The place was swarming with uniformed officers and people in high visibility jackets, while a silver Golf was being placed onto some sort of recovery truck.

‘Shit!’ I exclaimed, and as we passed I saw an officer look up from talking to a man with a dog on a lead before noting something down. I slowed instinctively and glanced back briefly to see, within the trees, the flash of a large white tent.

‘Oh my god!’ Alex said next to me.

‘I know,’ I said carrying on. ‘It looks like they’ve found a body. That’s why they put up tents like that, isn’t it?’

We turned the corner again and the circus disappeared from sight.

‘Do you think we ought to go back?’ I said. ‘They’ll only come knocking on the door later, won’t they? Ask if we saw anything?’

‘No!’ Alex said so quickly that I glanced at her. She had gone utterly rigid in her seat and was staring dead ahead.

‘Are you all right?’ I glanced at her again. ‘Do you need me to stop the car?’

‘Please, just keep going!’ she begged. Then she began to whisper: ‘No, no, no…’ under her breath.

Worried, I opened my mouth to ask her what on earth was—

‘That was his car!’ she blurted. ‘That silver Golf.’

A cold, greasy fear engulfed me. ‘Jonathan’s, you mean?’

She nodded, terrified. ‘I recognise it. I almost drove into it the day I was trying to get away from their house, when his mother offered me that job and I argued with them.’

‘You’re sure?’ I said.

‘Yes. I am. He’s got a wanky personalised plate. J05THN.’ She was starting to breath faster as we pulled up at the busy crossroads, traffic thundering past us, left and right. ‘What’s happened? What’s he done now? He was blogging, or vlogging, whatever you call it, left, right and centre. He was enjoying this too much to have done something stupid.’

I put my hand out on her lap. ‘Try to calm down.’ I looked up and noticed in the rear-view mirror that one of the police cars was there. ‘Look, I’ve got to concentrate for a minute: they’re behind us. Let me get across the road, I’ll pull over, and we’ll talk.’

‘What do you mean, “they’re behind us”? A police car?’ She whipped round in panic. ‘Do you think they’re following us?’

‘Of course not! Please, just be quiet a minute so I can do this?’ I looked both ways and pulled out over both lines of traffic to turn right.

‘Are they still there?’ Alex asked as we continued up the road.

I looked. ‘No, they’ve gone.’

She exhaled so deeply it was as if she’d just finished a race and placed a hand on her stomach.

‘Are you having another panic attack?’ I looked at her. ‘What do I do? Do you need me to stop? Shall we pull over and get you some water at the garage?’

‘Yes,’ she said faintly. ‘Yes, please.’

I put my foot down and pulled in sharply onto the busy forecourt, dumping the car by one of the pumps. I climbed out and ran into the shop, grabbing a bottle of still water. By the time I’d almost reached the front of the queue, the jobsworth fifty-something assistant was already on the tannoy.

‘Lady in the Qashqai, can you please stop using your mobile phone and wait until you’re off the forecourt, as per the warning on the pump right next to you? Thank you.’ She clicked it off and said pissily to the bloke she was serving. ‘They always think the rules don’t apply to them – and it’s always a “really important call”.’

‘That’s my wife, thanks!’ I called out furiously. ‘And phones don’t actually spark fires on forecourts. Only a moron would still think that.’

Everyone turned to look at me for a moment, and the assistant shouted back warningly: ‘I don’t make the rules, Sir, but it’s my job to enforce them. We also don’t tolerate abusive or threatening behaviour against staff? So I’ll thank you to lower your tone and not insult me?’

I stared at her in disbelief as she gave me a smug, fat smile and everyone went back to waiting. When it was my turn, I fixed her with a fierce glare the whole way through, arms crossed, but said nothing. I knew she’d be desperate to have any excuse to refuse to serve me from behind her crappy plastic screen. She stared at me when she handed back my card, and I almost said something, but changed my mind, hurrying back out to Alex instead. There were more important things at hand.

I passed her the bottle, put my seatbelt on and pulled away. ‘Who were you phoning?’

‘David, to see if he knows anything – if the police have contacted him yet. They haven’t.’

‘Why would they contact him?’

‘To get Jonathan’s medical records.’

‘If it’s even him?’ I looked at her sideways again. ‘I really think you need to try and relax. We don’t know anything for sure, Alex. There are a lot of silver Golfs.’

‘Not with that number plate. It’s him. I know it is. And like you said, they only put up tents like that when they’re protecting forensic evidence. Don’t you see what this means? They’re going to think I had something to do with this.’

I swerved slightly. ‘Why on earth would they think that?’

‘Because it’s happened on our doorstep! Because he publicly accused me of harassing him. Because everyone knows we had a relationship and now he’s dead!’

‘You don’t know that!’ I raised my voice.

‘I was at home alone last night. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed – no one is going to believe that if something really bad has happened to him. I’ve just asked David to say he stayed with me until just before 9 p.m. because I was in a bit of a state after Gary Day’s unpleasant visit, which isn’t a total lie. In fact, it’s good that he saw David. It proves David was there.’

‘But why are you going to say he was there longer than he actually was?’

‘Because I need an alibi.’

My mouth fell open. ‘You’re not serious? An alibi for what?’

‘Whatever Jonathan’s done in the woods. Don’t worry, I’ve been very careful about it. David doesn’t live anywhere with CCTV on the roads, his mother was out until half nine and you were home by, what, 9 p.m?’

‘I went straight back out for a takeaway though.’ I struggled to think. ‘I was back home by half nine too? Maybe a tiny bit later. I’m not exactly sure. I’d be on the takeaway security camera though; but Alex, this is crazy. What do you think you need to?—’

‘OK, so I was “alone” for, at most, ten minutes in between David leaving and you coming home,’ she interrupted impatiently, ‘and then for another separate half an hour while you were getting your food. That’s not enough time to do anything.’

‘Do what?’ I was genuinely confused.

‘Kill him.’

I swung round in shock.

‘Keep your eyes on the road,’ she said.

I did as I was told and blinked several times while I tried to think what to say next. ‘You’re worried the police are going to think you’ve killed Jonathan?’ I managed eventually.

‘People don’t just die in the woods,’ she said quietly. ‘Whatever he’s done, they are going to consider foul play and I have to be prepared. Rob, I know I talked about killing him yesterday. I even said: “if I could do it and not get caught, I would”. But please know that I have got nothing to do with this. I would be caught, that’s the whole point. They would lock me away from Maisie and Tilly forever. I would never risk that. Although the real point here is, of course, I couldn’t kill anyone.’

‘I’ve never said you could.’

‘I know, but you didn’t actually see me when you got back, did you? You just saw a note on the door that said I’d taken a pill and could you sleep in the spare room?’

God – she was right. I realised I had caught my breath.

‘Obviously I was there,’ she said carefully, watching me, ‘but that second of doubt you just had? Everyone is going to have that multiplied by a million, because they’re not my husband who loves me and knows I would never do that – and that’s why I need an alibi.’

I pulled over suddenly, making the car behind us break heavily and lean on the horn as they passed.

‘Do you know what has happened?’ I asked. ‘Are you just pretending to guess like this?’

‘No. I’m not. But I’m telling you that’s his car – and they only put up tents like that if they are shielding a body.’

‘Swear on our daughters’ lives – you know nothing about this at all?’

‘NO!’ she shouted, putting both of her hands on the side of her head. ‘How can you even ask me that? This is insane, absolutely insane! I took a sleeping pill and I went to bed!’ She started shaking, but I couldn’t tell if it was with anger, or fear.

‘You’re not hiding anything from me?’

She hesitated and, horrified, I shrank back away from her.

‘I told a lie in my statement to the GMC,’ she confessed. ‘When I woke up next to Jonathan in the hotel room, I realised then who he was and I did remember treating him in June. Partly because of the note he left me on the car. No, Rob, Wait!’ She raised her voice as I exclaimed aloud in disbelief. ‘At Pacha, I was blind drunk. I wouldn’t have known my own name. I didn’t sleep with Jonathan because I knew him,’ she changed position again to look at me, ‘I did it because I was pissed. I swear to you, I DID NOT KNOW who he was when I went to bed with him.’ She paused and took a breath, before continuing. ‘But how could I tell the truth about realising who he was when I woke up? It would have muddied the waters. The second I admitted to it, they’d have concluded that everything Jonathan said in his version of events is the truth, and it isn’t. I did not message him on his phone – no doctor would ever be that stupid. I categorically did not have a three-month relationship with him. I didn’t plan to be in Ibiza at the same time as him – it was just coincidence – and that whole sexual fantasy thing he said I constructed about us being “strangers” was utter fabrication. I need everything to stay completely black and white. You can see that, surely?’

I exhaled and leant my head back on the rest behind me. So she hadn’t been entirely truthful with me.

‘Everything else I have told you and the GMC is one hundred per cent true. It was a tiny lie, Rob. It doesn’t change the fundamental elements of what actually happened, but it does illustrate why I also need David to cover for me now, and why I need you to say that you said hi to me when you got back from your parents and that I was reading in bed when you came home with the food. As far as anyone else is concerned, there has to be no mention of sleeping pills. I’ve just agreed that with David too.’ She paused. ‘You have to decide what you’re going to say when the police come to the door – if you’re going to support me like David is – because, while I know you think this is crazy, they are going to come. I can promise you that.’

---

I lay in bed that night in the spare room, the door open, listening to the sound of my daughters breathing in their bedrooms. Alex had taken the last sleeping pill. I was the only one awake.

We had ended up staying at Mum and Dad’s for the day. Neither of us wanted to come home, plus Mum had taken one look at Alex and insisted on settling her on the sofa with a blanket and a cup of tea. All of Al’s earlier resolutions seemed to have crumbled already and she meekly did as she was told. The girls ran around happily gathering fallen leaves from the garden to make an autumn picture, and I constructed a smouldery bonfire that Dad just about managed to get going. We sat down to bangers and mash, followed by the promised apple pie, then drove the long way home to avoid the girls seeing anything disturbing in the woods and asking questions.

I waited all evening for the knock that Alex said we should expect, but it never came. In the end it was less stressful just to go to bed. I stared up at the ceiling and wondered if they were all still up the road, scurrying around under floodlights, gathering information. Perhaps this really was nothing to do with Jonathan after all. Alex had become pretty obsessive. Wouldn’t this just transpire to be nothing to do with us at all, bar being distressingly close to our house?

But she had seemed so sure that she recognised the car.

If only I had gone and checked on Alex, like I was going to when I came back with the curry and panicked that the BMW was missing

Suppose she was right, and questions were going to be asked, what was I going to say? Was I going to lie for my wife? Obviously, I couldn’t believe for a second that she would hurt someone. Not Alex. She is committed to preserving life, not taking it. You know a person when you’ve been married as long as we have. You understand what they could and couldn’t do; what the bare bones of that other person are when the daily stresses and strains have been stripped away. Yes, Day was single-handedly destroying her life with his lies, and campaigns like that can change people, and yes, she’d said she could kill him, but saying it is not the same as doing it. Not for a moment.

Feeling panicked, I got out my phone and scanned the news headlines, but there was nothing. I wanted very badly to do a search through Jonathan’s social media: check the last time he had posted, but I was too scared, in case I might be asked to explain why I’d looked through the accounts the night after he died, in addition to why I had visited his school earlier that same day. If Alex was right and it was Jonathan lying in that tent, I was going to have questions of my own to answer. Instead, I did a search on Alex’s name, and a new Saturday paper ‘comment’ piece popped up.

My god.

I realised immediately she was right. If Jonathan was dead, Alex was unquestionably going to need an alibi from David, and from me, when they came looking for her.

---

It happened on Monday. The police car pulled up outside the gate just after Alex had got back from dropping the girls at school, which seemed a particularly cruel payback for her first solo act of bravery.

‘They’re here!’ she gasped, appearing in the kitchen, looking at me wide-eyed with panic as I got to my feet.

We were at least slightly prepared.

The day before, the first local news reports had emerged:

‘You see?’ said Alex, shakily. ‘An eighteen-year-old man. It’s him. I told you.’

‘Should we “come forward” then?’ I said, looking up from the laptop screen as Maisie and Tilly played happily with their toy kitchen.

‘I’m making a salad for you, Mummy!’ called Tilly. ‘Get ready!’

‘Thank you, darling! I’m very hungry!’ She turned back to me. ‘But come forward with what? We don’t actually know anything. Wouldn’t that be even weirder? I think we just have to wait.’

‘Are you all right?’ I asked, reaching out and taking her hand.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Because I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want to have to tell them David was here longer than he was, but there’s no other way. I can’t have an hour and a half unaccounted for.’

‘You’re absolutely certain David won’t change his mind and say you asked him to cover? I wish you’d just tell them the truth.’

‘He won’t do that, and I can’t. I can’t risk them thinking I was involved in whatever has happened. I’m telling a lie to protect the truth.’

‘Here you are, Mummy!’ Tilly appeared proudly and placed a plastic plate laden with green felt leaves and a carrot on the table between us. ‘It’s your breakfast!’

‘Thank you, Tilly. You’re such a kind girl.’ Alex kissed her.

‘And I made a chocolate cake.’ Maisie appeared behind Tilly, carrying a more elaborately laid tray, complete with napkin.

‘Well aren’t I a lucky Mummy!’ said Alex. ‘How delicious. Thank you, sweetheart.’

I watched as my wife hugged my daughters to her and they both relaxed into the embrace of the mother they adored more than anything in the world – their sun, moon and stars – and I thought, fuck it. She’s right. This is about protecting them. Whatever it takes. We’ll do it.

‘Deep breath,’ I said, taking her hand and remembering my determination to keep my family together. ‘They’re not here to arrest you, they’re just asking questions. That’s all. Remember everything we’ve both agreed to say and don’t say any more than that. You’ve done nothing wrong. Stay calm. I love you.’

---

Little white lies. One alibi – all for the greater good – because Alex was not involved in whatever happened at the woods that night.

---

A couple of days after our voluntarily helping the police with their questioning, a story appeared on the BBC news website.

We knew we had done nothing wrong, and eventually it seemed the police started to see that too – and the flipside of the situation. Whatever had happened to Jonathan that night – whether a tragic accident where he’d collapsed because of his diabetes or that he had taken his own life – he had still been in the woods alone, less than a mile away from my wife who was at the time lying asleep in her bed completely unprotected… I found that so scary a prospect I’d had to push it away from my mind the second I thought it.

We co-operated fully with the investigations and were not arrested, although we were told the police ‘had grounds for arresting us on suspicion of Jonathan Day’s murder’. I still don’t know what that means. We let them into the cottage all white-suited up and with dogs. It was several days before we were allowed back home, but we didn’t complain once, made no comment publicly about the stress it had caused us and our children. We didn’t want to give anyone any reason to feel aggrieved whatsoever.