By the time I’d finally finished at half past five, I was exhausted. My limbs felt heavy with fatigue and I couldn’t stop yawning, partly through dehydration. For the first time since the previous weekend, I was thinking longingly of a large G&T.

I said goodbye to Cleo and David, the last ones left to lock up, and stepped out into the overcast early evening. Looking for our BMW in the car park, I saw that Rob had typically left it right in the farthest corner, carefully reversed into a space over by the wooded bank that backed onto the gardens of the terraced houses behind. My husband never parks conveniently close to anywhere he wants to be if he can pointlessly park miles away. My shoulders sagged slightly, and I began to walk across the tarmac, thinking about Jonathan sitting in my room talking about fucking, and David’s advice.

It hadn’t even occurred to me that what I’d done might appear to be an emerging pattern of my using appointments to ‘pick up men’. I could see, however, when the two events were placed alongside each other – even with an eight-year time lag between them – it might make my insistence that I’d not known Jonathan was my patient appear unreliable, at best.

David was right, I needed to remove Jonathan from my list quickly. I’d drafted the letter to Gary and Christy Day explaining that, after my house visit, I’d decided it was in everybody’s interest for them to move as a family from my list to my colleague Peter’s, but after the fallout from the morning’s computer fiasco, I hadn’t managed to catch Peter or Cleo in time to confirm that was OK with them before the post went.

I also couldn’t believe Jonathan seemed to think I’d known exactly who he was; it was ridiculous. Knowingly have sex with a seventeen-year-old patient? I’d be struck off immediately – and who in their right mind would risk that happening? Never mind the financial impact, which would be hugely significant for our family: why would I waste all of my years of hard work and gamble away a career I enjoyed? All for one night? It could never be worth it. And that’s before even considering the effect it would have on Rob and the girls.

I imagined our innocent children back at our safe, cosy house, eating tea. By the time my mother was my age, she had a twenty-year-old daughter – older than Jonathan. Christ… I pictured him trailing his school tie behind him as he’d left my office, then recalled the blur of our naked bodies in the dark hotel room and shivered with disgust. I’d had sex flashbacks about various exes many times over the years that had made me feel slightly grossed out, but this was in a different league altogether. It was repulsive. Seventeen.

I reached into my pocket for the keys my husband had given me earlier. I blipped the car unlocked as I approached, walked around to put my bag in the boot, and almost screamed to discover Jonathan, hidden from view by the car, sitting down on a spread-out coat on the grass hillock, next to a rucksack, waiting for me.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ I gasped. ‘You scared the life out of me! You can’t jump out at people like that – Jesus Christ!’ I stepped back, shaking.

‘I didn’t jump out.’ He got up stiffly. He’d obviously been there a while. ‘I just want to talk to you, that’s all.’ Then he opened the passenger side and climbed in.

Aghast, I opened the driver’s side. ‘Get out of my car, now!’ I ordered.

He sighed, as if I was being completely unreasonable, and did as he was told, walking round the bonnet to stand in front of me.

‘Did you not hear what I said to you earlier?’ I demanded. ‘Even if I wanted to, doctors aren’t allowed to have relationships with their patients. I would lose my job.’

‘Jesus, stop being so dramatic. No one’s here. No one’s looking. I just want to talk, not do you in the back of your car.’

I shrank away. Where was the vulnerable boy sitting on his coat of just two seconds ago? He was suddenly talking like some slightly bored and irritated much older man. His shape-shifting was impossible to keep up with. I didn’t know how to place him, how to deal with him.

‘I want you to leave.’

He sighed again. ‘Fine, if we can’t talk privately in the car, I’ll say it here then. I know what’s in this for you, Alex. You wanted attention; I gave it to you. I made you feel better about yourself… but I also liked it. You’re different.’

‘Stop.’ I held my hands up. ‘You don’t understand what it was about at all. I’m not different, I’m a mother. I’ve got two little girls and a husband. I’m old enough to be your mother.’

‘Age is just a number.’

I half laughed in disbelief. ‘You don’t get to say that yet. You’re too young. Just go home, Jonathan.’

He stepped forward suddenly, only inches away from my face, and grabbed my wrist. I could feel his body trembling. ‘We can be careful. No one needs to know.’ He was holding me tightly enough to hurt.

‘Let go of me, now.’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.’ His voice was calm, and I had no idea if he was being sincere. After a moment’s pause, he released me. ‘Just sleep with me again,’ he said suddenly. ‘One night, sober, and I’ll leave you alone after that if you still want me to.’

I stepped back, rubbing my reddening skin. ‘You’ve not heard a single word I’ve said, have you?’ I struggled to keep my voice level. ‘Or do you just not care that I could lose my job?’

‘OK, then sleep with me again or I’ll tell everyone what we did.’

I gasped and, as I looked at him, rage swept up inside me. He reminded me, suddenly, of Hannah. I’d gone round to her flat to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing, coming on to my husband at her party, asking HIM to be the one to save her from the letchy hands of the more senior managers. Her protector. She’d had the same untroubled expression as Jonathan was now wearing when I’d screamed ‘he’s MARRIED’ in her face, before she slammed the door in mine.

‘Tell everyone then,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know who you were, and my husband already knows I’ve been unfaithful, so the only sordid detail left is you trying to blackmail me into having sex with you. You’re really trying to do that, by the way?’ I was revolted.

Quick as a flash, he stepped over to me, ducked his head, and kissed me on the mouth. He gasped as his lips briefly touched mine, before I stumbled back and looked around us, only to see David, overcoat on, keys in his hand, right by his car, silently watching.

Our eyes met, and David looked away first before getting into his Land Rover and pulling sharply out of his space.

I watched him drive off, my mouth slightly open in shock, realising instantly how that must have appeared. I turned slowly back to Jonathan. ‘That was my colleague who just saw us then. I’d already told him about you coming to the surgery today, but I also said you’d got the message and you’d be leaving me alone.’

‘Alex, I—’ Jonathan began.

‘Be quiet,’ I said. ‘You’ve just made it look like we’re having some sort of affair. He’ll now be duty-bound to report this; so, yes, everyone is going to know what we did. Well done. But you know what? I’m going to make sure they understand exactly what you just said to me, that you tried to blackmail me into having sex with you. What a deeply disgusting thing to do.’ Glaring at him, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, turned away and threw my bag on the back seat of the car.

‘Alex, just stop—’ he began,

‘Get out of my way,’ I said, climbing in and slamming the door.

I started the car and he moved reluctantly to the side, seconds before I roared across the car park to the exit, only pausing to look furiously in the mirror before I pulled out onto the main road. He was still standing there, watching me, his face now expressionless.

I swung right, violently, and started to drive, gripping the steering wheel tightly, before screaming out loud and slapping the wheel with both hands, my anger and fear exploding without warning, causing me to swerve dangerously close to the parked cars lining the road on either side. The bastard. The nasty, stupid, little bastard. I hurtled up to the traffic lights at the end of the road, on red, and stopped with a jolt, breathing too fast, before shoving the gearstick into first again and swinging out onto the main carriageway. My jaw was clenched so tightly – as I drove too close behind the painfully slow-moving traffic – that my muscles started to ache. ‘Just fucking MOVE!’ I yelled, as a bus, one vehicle up, pulled over to pick up passengers, forcing me to stop completely. I had no choice but to sit there helplessly as traffic streamed past on the other side of the road, the swirling rage beginning to solidify within my stomach into a huge, leaden lump as a suffocating tightness began to spread from my chest outwards and up my throat. David no longer believed me, I could tell. Unless I could convince him what he’d seen in the car park was not how it appeared, he really would report me. I hadn’t lied to Jonathan – he had a duty to.

I swallowed, acutely aware of the seriousness of this new situation, and glanced left to see a mother marching up the street crossly pulling the hand of a little girl who was crying and trying to keep up – almost having to run. She was about the same age as Maisie. My eyes welled up; I could feel her unhappiness so acutely it physically hurt. She was only small. Too tiny to be made so sad by her mummy.

What had I done? What the fuck had I done?

I had to look away and wiped my wet face with my hand as the tears started to spill over. I tried to think about when I should tell Rob what had happened. Should I do it straight away or wait and see if I could drive the girls to his mother’s first, in the morning? Tilly was such a light sleeper, she’d definitely wake if he started crashing around upstairs packing a bag, then Maisie would be disturbed too. It would be unbearably traumatic for them to see him leave in the night; because wouldn’t I do exactly that if I were him and was told the ‘stranger’ his wife slept with turned out to be a seventeen-year-old she had a connection to after all, and had been seen kissing only hours earlier?

The traffic began to move again. My anger had drained completely, leaving dry fear in its place as I tried to think clinically about practicalities. It probably would be better if the girls weren’t there. Nothing was going to formally happen until Monday morning now, so, although another fourteen hours wouldn’t make much difference to Rob, it could potentially be a great deal to our daughters.

When I finally pulled onto the drive, through the window I could see Rob playing monsters with Maisie and Tilly, chasing them round the sofas, arms outstretched as they tried to run away from him. I couldn’t hear the growling and the delighted screams but knew exactly how they would sound. I sat in the front seat and watched them for a moment, before climbing out and walking up to the front door, smiling as the girls saw me and pointed. I was just about able to hear the shouts of ‘Mummy!’ from behind the glass as they turned and ran to come and find me.

My key turned stiffly in the lock, and I pushed the door gently open in case either of them was already right behind it, but they were still rounding the corner. The house was warm and smelt comfortingly of cooking. Maisie jumped happily into my arms, and Tilly clasped at my leg. ‘Mummy’s home, Daddy!’ Maisie called, and Rob appeared in the sitting room doorway, puffing slightly, hair all over the place. He smiled happily at me. ‘Busy game of monsters on the go,’ he said as I kissed Maisie and then Tilly.

‘So I see! What fun!’ I laughed. The actions were all there, but I was completely numb inside. I could only picture myself reaching out and in slow motion sweeping the family photos off the sideboard, throwing the vase of roses on the floor, the glass smashing everywhere, the girls screaming for real, Rob rushing forward to stop me… because I had as good as broken it all. I put my bag down and caught my reflection in the hall mirror. I had to quickly turn away. I couldn’t look myself in the eye.

We put the girls through a bath and they busily told me all about their day; who they’d played with, what they’d had for lunch, their best and worst bits. I read Tilly stories as she lay on her tummy on her bed, and I sat on the carpet next to her. She listened carefully to The Highway Rat, twisting my hair absently round her finger. After her songs, I tucked her in, told her I loved her and added ‘Best littlest girl!’ to which she beamed and replied: ‘best mummy!’

‘That’s a lovely thing to say, darling, thank you! Night, night.’ I bit my lip to stop my tears, and quickly bent to kiss her before she noticed anything was wrong.

I took a moment outside Maisie’s room to compose myself before snuggling her down too and singing her songs, as I sat on the floor stroking her hair. She listened contentedly and when I got to my knees to lean over and kiss her good night, whispering ‘best biggest girl’, she wrapped her arms round my neck before gently, ever so softly, kissing my cheek. It was so uncomplicated and pure, it felt almost like a blessing, and I wished with all my heart it could absolve everything. I so badly wanted to be the best version of myself that she believed I was. I thought about how safe my mother had always made me feel, even though there must have been times when she was falling apart inside during the divorce from my dad and, as I left the room, I resolved then and there to do my best – whatever the aftermath – to make everything as bearable as possible for my daughters, and Rob. I wanted, very much, to blame Jonathan’s public kiss for what was going to come but, deep down, I knew my failings were all my own.

---

I changed out of my work skirt, top and tights and threw some pyjamas on over my underwear, before going downstairs into the sitting room to find my husband. He was on the sofa, computer on his lap. I sat on the sofa adjacent to him and curled my legs up and under me.

‘All right?’ he said.

‘I need to talk to you, Rob.’ So much for making sure the girls were out. I didn’t know I was going to say it, but the words were there before I realised they would be.

In any event, I was immediately proven to have made the right decision, because Rob replied: ‘Yeah, I know you do.’

He moved the laptop onto a cushion next to him and clasped his hands. ‘There’s a text on your phone from David that says: “I thought you’d told him it was over? Didn’t look like it to me, today. I can’t pretend this isn’t happening”.’ Rob glanced up at me briefly. ‘I went through the messages while you were upstairs because when I came into your room at work today and you weren’t expecting me, there was very obviously something going on between the two of you.’ His voice was flat and quiet. ‘You weren’t with the girls last weekend, were you? You were with David. When you told me you’d slept with someone else, it was actually him, wasn’t it, and now he wants you to leave me?’

For a moment or two, I was dumbstruck. What had we done to each other?

‘He’s always had a thing for you.’

‘He lives with his mother, and I’m almost certain he’s gay.’

‘No, he’s not,’ scoffed Rob.

‘In all the years I’ve known him, not once has he ever talked about a woman. But that’s irrelevant. I really was with the girls in Ibiza. David’s talking about something else.’ I took a deep breath. ‘The man I slept with last Saturday turns out to be a current patient of mine, and he’s seventeen.’

Rob’s mouth fell open. ‘What?’

‘I didn’t know he was my patient or how old he was – obviously, I hope – until today,’ I continued quickly. ‘He came to the surgery this morning using a fake name to get in to see me. Apparently, I’ve treated him before, but I have absolutely no memory of that. Once I realised who he was, I made him aware that I could no longer be his doctor and that he wasn’t to come near me again. That’s what I was discussing with David when you arrived at lunchtime. After I’d finished work, though, he was waiting for me alongside our car. He kissed me, which David witnessed. That’s what David’s text is referring to; he’s going to have no choice but to do something official about it now, after what he saw. This “boy” also told me that unless I had sex with him again, he would tell everyone what we did; so either way, it’s all going to come out.’

Rob closed his eyes, before saying hesitantly: ‘You’ve had sex with a patient who David saw you kissing this afternoon?’

‘No, he was kissing me,’ I corrected instantly. ‘But, yes, he was the one from Ibiza. He says he recognised me in the club but, as far as I was concerned, he was a complete stranger. I was very drunk, but, even so, he didn’t look seventeen in the slightest.’

Rob’s eyes snapped open. ‘That’s supposed to make this better?’

‘No,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m just trying to explain because I can hear how this sounds to you.’

‘Can you?’ His eyebrows lifted. ‘Can you, really? So how do you think I feel right now?’ There was no mistaking the rising anger in his voice.

I took a deep breath. ‘Disgusted, revolted, angry, unable to believe it. All the things I felt when I discovered his actual age.’

‘How could you?’ Rob interrupted. ‘And before you say ANYTHING, Hannah was twenty-six. That’s different to this.’

Thrown by this unexpected comparison, I nonetheless managed to choose my words carefully. ‘I’m not about to do the “men get to sleep with young women, so why shouldn’t women get to sleep with young men” bit,’ I said clearly. ‘Personally, I don’t think it’s OK for anyone of our age to have sex with someone who is emotionally vulnerable, or at the very least impressionable, which I think most young adults are, up until their late twenties.’

‘Oh come, on!’ Rob exclaimed. ‘They’re not even vaguely on the same page!’

‘I’m not actually trying to defend anything. Had I known what I was doing, it would have been a complete abuse of power. But—’ I raised my voice slightly, holding a hand up because Rob was starting to exclaim angrily again, ‘I had no idea. Yes, what I’ve done – albeit unwittingly – makes me feel sick to my stomach. Yes, it’s horrendous that he’s only seventeen but, come on, Rob, you must know I would never, ever have had sex with him if I’d known how old he was? I didn’t actually do anything wrong other than have a one-night stand with a stranger, or so I thought.’

‘He kissed you this afternoon?’ Rob ignored me. ‘I don’t even know how to process this.’ He got up suddenly and started to pace around the room. ‘So…’ I watched him start to do the maths. ‘He’s still at school?’ He looked at me horrified, and I nodded.

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Alex!’ He glanced at me again, as if I might somehow be an imposter sitting in the room who just looked and sounded exactly like his wife of eight years. ‘I can’t believe that you wouldn’t have known; you’ve got eyes, haven’t you? And you must have recognised him.’

‘There are thousands of patients on the surgery books: I see someone every ten minutes at work; plus, I was drunk and, like I said, he looks much older. He’s very tall, he—’

‘No!’ Rob said. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want detail.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to talk about this any more full stop. I need some space.’

‘We have to talk about it. We need to decide what—’

‘No, we really don’t.’ He started walking towards the door.

‘Rob – wait!’ I jumped up and put my hands out to stop him, but he pushed me to one side and kept going. ‘Please, stop!’ I whispered desperately, tears rushing to my eyes but not wanting to wake the girls with shouting. ‘Please stay and talk to me about this.’ I grabbed onto his arms with both hands, and he started to shake me off.

‘Don’t touch me! You’re a mother, Alex! You’ve got two children yourself.’

‘But when you say you’re going, what do you mean? Going where? Please just stay and hear me out!’ I begged.

‘What more is there to say?’

‘I didn’t know who he was!’ I implored, trying to take his hand. ‘This is me, Rob. I’m your wife!’

‘I said, don’t touch me!’ He stepped back, defensively pulling his hands up high, out of my reach, before putting them on his head, looking at me with wide eyes. ‘I cannot believe this. I just want you to leave me alone.’

‘No!’ I insisted, standing in his way. ‘This isn’t fair. I didn’t do this to you when you told me about Hannah.’

‘She’s an adult, I’m not her doctor and I wasn’t caught in a compromising position with her this afternoon!’ he exclaimed. ‘Excuse me, please.’ He tried to pass again, and once more I blocked his way. ‘I said, get out of my way!’ He raised his voice.

‘Please, shhhh! I don’t want to wake the girls.’ I pleadingly held a finger up to my lips. ‘How many more times can I say it – I didn’t know, but if you leave me now, it’ll make it look like I did. Everyone will believe I’m the person you’re saying I am now. And I’m not! I’m not.’

I lost all control at that point and was so deeply distressed that I started crying in that completely abandoned way that feels scarily child-like because of its lack of boundaries, and for the person watching borders on them wondering if you’ve become dangerously unhinged. I sank to my knees on the carpet, at his feet, and sobbed.

‘Stop it,’ he said, after a moment. ‘I don’t want the kids to hear you like this.’

I wasn’t able to. Everything that had happened in the three weeks since he’d nervously confessed to having sex with Hannah – over breakfast the Saturday morning after the night before, when the girls had just left the table and scampered off into the sitting room to watch TV in their pyjamas, and I’d asked if he wanted another coffee – had crashed over me like a wave and dragged me out to sea. I couldn’t catch my breath.

He looked down at me silently, then stepped past me and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Winded with pain, I collapsed into the foetal position, hugging my knees to my chest as I cried. I saw Hannah’s hard little eyes staring at me in the doorway of her flat and heard Jonathan catching his breath when his lips had touched mine. I was bereft that Rob and I had allowed them into our marriage, and terrified at what now lay ahead.

---

I’m not sure how long I lay there, long enough for the tears to simply run out, but eventually I heard the door open again, and a large wodge of loo roll appeared in front of my face. Rob was crouched behind me.

‘Here,’ he said. ‘Take this.’

I reached out and, lifting my head, obediently wiped my eyes, and my nose.

‘Sit up,’ he said, and taking my shoulders, he rocked me upright, then sat down on the carpet, leaning back on the sofa adjacent to me, his hands resting on his knees. We sat in silence for a moment before he asked: ‘Do you swear that you didn’t know who he was in the club?’

‘Of course,’ I said, exhausted.

‘And he kissed you earlier? Not the other way around?’

‘Yes.’

He started twisting his wedding ring. ‘You can’t just tell someone over breakfast, “Oh sorry, I fucked someone else last night”, and not expect it not to have some kind of impact on their behaviour. I shouldn’t have tried to dump my guilt on you about Hannah. I know I’ve hurt you. I made you very angry too, and that’s part of why you did what you did in Ibiza. Mostly I just think this is all such a mess, and I don’t want Maisie and Tilly to suffer because of mistakes we’ve made. It’s not like he was underage and what you did was illegal.’

‘Thank you.’

He exhaled. ‘You don’t have to thank me. We’re married. We’re supposed to support each other. What will happen now?’

I cleared my throat and tried to focus. ‘For me at work, you mean?’

He nodded.

‘Well, unless I can convince David he didn’t see what he thinks he saw, he’ll report me, I expect. I’ll ring him tomorrow, but I’ll have to sit down with him and Cleo on Monday morning and go through it all with them formally, just to cover my back in case this boy comes good on his threat and tells everyone we’ve had sex.’

‘What if David doesn’t believe you?’

‘The process would be the same as when Bella made her complaint about you and me.’ I watched Rob tense at the mention of his ex-wife. ‘It’d go to the Primary Care Trust and the General Medical Council. Unlike last time, because of him being much younger and a current patient, it will be investigated immediately, I imagine. I’d need to contact the MDU for some legal advice. I might be suspended in the interim while the investigation is ongoing and they gather statements from everyone; but I haven’t done anything punishable, so ultimately I don’t see how I could be struck off. It would be massively stressful though.’

‘Fuck,’ he exhaled and let his head drop.

‘I think I just need to talk to David in the first instance.’

‘What’s this boy’s name?’ Rob said.

‘I don’t think I can tell you yet. I’m sorry.’

‘But he threatened to shop you unless you slept with him again?’

‘Yes.’

‘David wouldn’t have heard him?’

‘I don’t see how. He was on the other side of the car park.’

‘Is the warning you got after Bella made the complaint about us still on your record?’

‘Yes.’

We sat there in silence for a moment more as he digested the implications of that.

‘OK. Well, we’ll just have to deal with it as we get there, I guess.’ He held out his hand. I could just about reach it, and we entwined the tips of our fingers. ‘I love you.’

My relief as he said that was immense. ‘I love you too.’

Neither of us moved. I wanted to stay like that forever, safe with him, our babies upstairs asleep in their beds – as if none of it had happened.

‘We need to be a lot better at protecting us,’ he said. ‘You, me, Maisie and Tilly. But we’ll get through this, together. I promise you.’

---

I’ve no doubt he meant every word, but sometimes love isn’t enough, no matter how hard you want to believe it will be.

I felt glad to have told him everything, though, and went to bed relieved that there were at least no more surprises to come.

How very naïve I was.