I was beginning to regret keeping the door on my closet not only closed, but also padlocked and chained shut. If I wasn’t so worried about who I slept with having an unfair bearing on my ability to play the game, I’d be able to call any of my close friends to ask them what in the hell I’m supposed to do now.
After scrolling through my contact list a few times, hoping a name would magically pop out at me, I landed on one of the only people who knew my secret.
“Tucker, I was starting to wonder if you were going to forget my number,” Eric answered. I looked around nervously, checking to see who was still in the employee lot. “I heard you’d been to the house, which explains the beer missing from my fridge when I got home.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I needed a quiet place because my sister’s been staying at my house,” I apologized. He didn’t care if I helped myself to whatever he had on hand while I was there, but I’d been raised better than to drink a man’s last beer and not return it. Honestly, I’d planned on driving back down to replenish what we drank, but I hadn’t had time.
“No worries, bud. You know I’ll never pass up the opportunity to give you shit.” He laughed and my mood lightened a bit. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“You have a spare hour? This may not be quick,” I warned him. I still couldn’t believe I was going to share any of this, but I had to get it out before I went insane.
“I’m all yours until early next week. Will that be long enough?” He knew me well enough to know that I didn’t often get upset, but when I did, it was never anything minor.
“Yeah, I think that’ll be plenty of time.” Little things he’d said started to click into place and I began to worry. “Wait, where are you?”
“I’m at my house, really wishing there was a cold beer in my fridge,” he chided. “My grandpa passed away last Thursday and I flew in this morning for the funeral.”
“Damn, now I feel even worse about drinking all of your beer. Sorry to hear about your grandpa, he was a good man.” Pa Sapp was more like a father to Eric than a grandparent. He was the one who taught Eric how to play and drove him to every practice. Like Mason’s family, Pa made it to every game, except this season. He’d been battling cancer, and we all knew it was only a matter of time. It was hard to believe the old man was gone.
“Thanks. It wasn’t a surprise, but it still sucks. Anyway, I know you didn’t call to talk about that, so what’s up?”
Next to Mason, Eric was one of my best friends, and I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to realize something was bugging me. I spent the next ten minutes giving him the short version of what was going on, leaving out any details that would give away the identity of the object of my turmoil. Unfortunately, Eric’s not as oblivious as he likes people to believe.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but does this have something to do with you and Atley locking lips on the beach when you were here a few nights ago?” I nearly choked on my own saliva as I spluttered, trying to figure out whether it was better to confirm or deny.
“Oh, come on. Did you think I wouldn’t try to figure out what was going on when my neighbor complained about two guys fighting on her part of the beach before disappearing up the steps to my backyard? I wasn’t going to say anything, because all I cared about was that it wasn’t assholes who didn’t belong here, but if you’re this worked up, then maybe you need to tell someone.”
Denial seemed pointless since he had proof. And if he hadn’t even told me that he knew, it stood to reason that he wouldn’t say a word to anyone about the rest of what I’d said.
“Yeah, fine,” I grumbled, hating that he’d said the same thing I was thinking to myself a few minutes ago. I did need a friendly ear other than my little sister. “Since you know all of it then, what’s your take? Am I an idiot to be this worked up about him not sticking around?”
Eric made this annoying clicking sound with his mouth. It was his tell whenever he figured he was about to say something and he wasn’t sure how it’d go over. “Honestly? I was shocked when I saw the security footage of you and Mason together, but after the third time watching it because I knew my eyes had to be playing tricks on me since Mason’s always come across as a bit of a playboy, I saw something else…”
“Yeah?” The line was silent long enough that I wondered if he had any intention of sharing his observation with me.
“I saw two guys so into one another that it made me jealous,” he confessed. “I’ll agree that it’s going to be a long road for the two of you, but I think you’ll be happier if you give him whatever time and space he needs. I’d give just about anything to find someone who’d look at me that way.”
I felt like an even bigger dick than I had minutes earlier. Eric deserved someone who’d make him happy. When we’d been fooling around, I told myself that it was enough for both of us, but hearing the pain and envy in his voice, I knew that he didn’t feel the same way. He’d wanted more, but settled for the crumbs I was willing to give him. “So, basically you’re telling me that I’m being an idiot?”
“Nah, I think you’re dealing with a shitload of stress right now. What do you say you pick up a couple of six packs and head down to my place? I don’t have anything going on tonight and I need a break from family time.”
“I can do that. I’ll be there in twenty.” I was grateful to Eric for realizing that my house was the last place I wanted to be right now. Once I thought about it, it felt wrong to run to Eric at the first sign of trouble between Mason and me. I justified spending time with him because he was still one of my friends, and he was mourning the loss of the man who meant more to him than anyone else in his life. He shouldn’t be alone right now.
Once I got to Eric’s, I suggested we call Jason and see if he wanted to come by for an impromptu cookout. When I told Jason why Eric was back in town, the small gathering somehow grew to half of the Mavericks hanging out in Eric’s backyard. We all knew Pa, and it seemed fitting that we had a drink in his honor since none of us would be able to attend the funeral.
Jason waited until most of the guys headed to the basement for a round of darts before bringing up the elephant in the room. “Where’s the other half?” he asked as we sat around the smoldering fire pit.
“Chicago,” I answered, hoping he’d hear the avoidance in my tone. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky.
“That sucks. Are you going to see him again before we head out?” Although it was nice not having to hide Mason from everyone, times like this it sucked because his absence led to questions I didn’t want to answer.
“Not sure.” I tossed another empty beer bottle into the barrel. Jason leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankles, apparently settling in for a longer conversation. “Look, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m going to get all touchy-feely about my emotions. He knows I’m fighting for an All-Star roster spot and doesn’t want to be a distraction to me.”
It was enough of the truth to appease him. Jason tilted his head back to look at the clear sky as he sipped his beer. When I looked up, all I could think about was how much different the sky looked here than in Milwaukee or Chicago. “I don’t get that, buddy,” Jason said, breaking the sliver of peace I’d started to feel. “Is it really worth the bullshit? You need to be like the rest of us and realize that the guys who get picked are the miserable saps who don’t get a break in the middle of the season. Maybe you’d be better off using that time as a way to figure out whatever bullshit’s going on at home.”
I closed my eyes and listened to the waves rolling onto the shore, wishing I could go back a few days and not push Mason to talk to me. If we’d stayed home and fooled around, he wouldn’t have told me about all the things in his life that weren’t possible as long as we were together. I wouldn’t have realized that Mason and I had entirely different goals that couldn’t meld together to make one happily ever after. And most of all, he wouldn’t have told me that he’d put all of his own dreams aside in order to be with me. As flattering as that sounded, it was no way to have a good life. Not in the long run.
“Gee, thanks Dr. Phil,” I scoffed, throwing another empty bottle into the barrel, satisfied by the shrill crash of glass breaking. “The last time I checked, you weren’t exactly an expert when it comes to keeping a relationship together.”
Jason’s shoulders slumped forward as he clutched at the front of his shirt. I didn’t know what I’d said to cause that type of reaction out of him. I’d always thought Jason and I were alike because neither of us allowed personal drama to interfere with our success, but the somber expression on his face said otherwise. He had the look of a man who’d loved and lost at some point.
“You know, I never figured you for a dumb jock, but I’m starting to wonder if you’re so damn good on the field because you’re not the brightest bulb in the box,” Jason criticized me. He pulled the ball chain out from beneath his shirt. “Have you ever wondered why I wear these even though I was never in the military?”
I had, but figured it wasn’t my place to ask. And I’d never tried to take a closer look to see whose name was on them because I never let my gaze linger on any of the guys in the locker room. In my mind, my curiosity would have outed me and I couldn’t let that happen.
“Maybe I’m not a relationship expert, but these tags are a reminder of how much I fucked up in my own life,” he told me. He ran his fingers over the raised letters on the dog tags. “I know what it’s like to lock everything up inside because of the consequences.”
My head swam as my alcohol-dampened mind tried to process what Jason was saying. When I tried to speak, Jason held up a hand to stop me. Whatever he was trying to say, he needed me to shut up and listen.
“You can be pissed for not saying anything sooner, but you know how it is. And this isn’t something I’ve ever talked about. I’m not sure I want to now, but you need to hear it.” He steepled his fingers in front of his mouth for a while, only looking up when I gave his knee a reassuring squeeze.
“His name was Adam,” he began, his words hitching as he said the man’s name. “We met at summer camp when we were sixteen. I worked in the kitchen and he was a counselor. After the kids went to sleep, he’d come down to the beach where we’d all hang out at night. When the rest of the counselors and staff went off to do their own thing, we’d sneak up to my room since I had privacy.
“It was the best summer of my life, even though we got to the point where everyone thought we hated one another.” He laughed weakly. “You see, when you fall in love, it’s almost impossible to hide that, so we went overboard avoiding one another when anyone was around. We were terrified that he’d lose his job if anyone knew he was gay, because the parents would have flipped to know their sons were living in a cabin with a gay man. It’s so fucking wrong, but it’s the way it is.”
He removed the chain from his neck and allowed it to slide through his fingers. I didn’t say a word, because I had no idea where to begin. Yes, I was pissed that he hadn’t told me he’s gay, but more because it led to me wondering how many other guys were in the league carrying this around. I wanted to ask him what happened after that summer, but he’d struggled to share this much.
“Look, I’m going to say this and you can take it or leave it,” he added after a long pause. “If you love him, you owe it to yourself to be honest about it. Don’t be each other’s dirty little secrets. You have the opportunity to be proud of who you are and who you love. Don’t wait until it’s too late…”
He pushed himself out of the chair and walked toward the lakefront. I watched, somewhat dazed, until I no longer saw his retreating form in the darkness.