Chapter Fourteen
Cooper walked quickly down Main Street, away from the crowd of couples and families celebrating the summer solstice. His heart was pounding. He knew he shouldn’t have gone to the dance. What had he been thinking? He had planned to stay in that night and enjoy having the apartment to himself. He was going to order a pizza the way he liked it, extra sausage, bacon, and extra olives, and zone out watching bad television. The dance was more his brothers’ speeds and he knew it. He didn’t belong there. It was a moment of temporary madness that made him shower and dress and walk right into the middle of the summer solstice dance and over to Becca. He should have slowed down and thought things out more clearly.
But why did holding Becca feel so right, then? One moment he was standing near the table with the toxic punch Bets made and the next he spotted Becca looking ridiculously gorgeous with her head tilted back, enjoying the music. Before he’d known it, he was in front of her and asking her to dance with him. Their eyes locked and it was like they were communicating without saying a word. He knew she wanted to be with him in that moment as much as he did with her. He’d led her onto the dance floor and they fit together like it was meant to be. Like they were each one half of a whole. They were in a warm magical bubble and the rest of the people and noise all seemed to disappear and there was only them. He wanted to stop time and stand there with her forever.
And then something slapped him right in the face. Reality, maybe? He knew he had to get the hell out of there and fast. He mumbled some excuse to Becca and the next thing he knew he was walking so fast down the road that he was almost half way home. He’d forgotten that he drove to town that night and would have to come back in the morning to pick up his car. But that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
While he knew he couldn’t stay, Cooper was mad at himself for running out on Becca like that. It was like something had snapped in his brain. He was scared and he had to get out quickly. He felt something with Becca that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. And he swore he’d never let himself feel that way again. Not after what he had been through with his ex-wife, Mandy. When they’d divorced three years ago, Cooper had promised himself that he’d never give that much of himself to any woman ever again. It hurt too much. He let himself love them and then they’d leave. His mom left him and his wife left him. He wasn’t going to love anyone ever again. He was fine on his own. He’d made it to thirty years old on his own and he’d make it to the end. He didn’t need anyone else.
But what was this aching pain in his chest?
Cooper slowed down his walking. A wave of sadness came over him. He didn’t want to hurt Becca and he was worried that he’d done just that. She’d given him a pained expression when he’d told her that he had to leave, but then it looked as though a cold front had moved through and her stare went icy. He hoped she didn’t hate him for fleeing like that, but he wouldn’t blame her if she did.
Cooper let himself into his apartment and tossed his keys on a nearby shelf. It was dark and quiet. Of course, his brothers were still out having fun. He could have been out having a good time himself if he hadn’t run away like a two-year old the first second he felt a little funny. But that was the past now; he’d made his decision. He was spending the rest of the night at home alone.
Cooper turned on the television and sunk into the couch. He mindlessly flipped through the channels, not really paying attention to anything that flashed before him on the screen. It wasn’t just his apartment that seemed quiet. The entire complex did. Everyone in town must be at that dance that night except for him.
He wondered what Becca was doing just then. Would she have left and gone home? Or maybe another guy asked her to dance and was whirling her around the dance floor at that exact moment. Maybe she was having the time of her life. The thought of this made Cooper feel sick to his stomach. Not that he wanted her to be miserable but he couldn’t imagine her with another guy. It was strange how he’d only met her a couple of weeks ago and now couldn’t bear the thought of some other guy touching her.
Cooper had played off the dinner date with Becca like it had been no big deal. It was just her thanking him for helping her out with her car. That was it. That’s what he told his brothers. But he’d lied. It was a big deal. It was all he’d been able to think about for days. He kept replaying the entire evening in his mind from appetizers through dessert and everything in-between. He should have kissed her. When they were sitting on the couch, drinking wine after dinner, he should have just kissed her. It was what he wanted to do. But what he wanted to do kept getting confused with what he thought he was supposed to do. And then tonight she’d kissed him and it was the best kiss he’d ever had in his entire life. He hadn’t wanted it to end.
Cooper wondered for probably the thousandth time what his problem was. Was he that damaged of a person? Why couldn’t he be more like Cash and do what felt good at the time without giving a shit? Or be more like Cade and be able to trust someone with his heart. He was starting to feel like he was losing his mind.
It wasn’t like Cooper grew up the child of divorced parents. He could see how people like that would be scared of commitment. His parents modeled a healthy marriage, from what he could remember of it. His dad would come home happy to see his mom, they’d kiss a lot, and sometimes dance around and be goofy with one another. His parents hugged him and his brothers often and they were always doing things as a family. Little trips here and there and loads of family dinners and movie or game nights. There just wasn’t a long list of these memories because his mom was first diagnosed with cancer when Cooper was only ten. She was sick a lot and in and out of hospitals so things in the family changed. But his mom and dad always loved each other. If she hadn’t passed away seven years later, his parents would probably still be together to that day. Their dad wouldn’t have turned into such a gigantic asshole, and Cooper and his brothers would still have a relationship with him.
The way he felt with Becca was different than he’d felt with anyone else. He had been feeling inklings of it from the start. As soon as she had typed, “Girl I slammed my car into,” as her name in his contacts on his phone, he knew there was something different about her than any other girl he’d known. But it was talking to her after dinner earlier in the week that really brought it home for him and soon as he saw the possibility of something with her in front of him the chance of ruining everything in his life and possibly hers came crashing down on him. Like he could see the future and knew he’d only ever hurt her and her hurt him and he was doing them both a big favor by not letting either of those things happen.
They could be friends though. They could be in each other’s lives without inevitably hurting one another, couldn’t they? First thing tomorrow he would figure out a way to apologize to Becca for running out on her like that. Hopefully she wouldn’t think he was too big of a jerk and could find a way to forgive him. For now, he would have to find a crappy movie to watch on television and fall asleep on the couch.