CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Iliana
“The bubonic plague isn’t a thing anymore, is it?”
We were at the Museum of Art & Culture in downtown Abingson when I asked her, and she looked up from a small, twisted metal sculpture to narrow her eyes at me. “Still feeling sick?”
I’d done my best to cover the fact that I was either eating everything I could find or had zero appetite, was tired all the time, and was prone to cry over the strangest things — mostly commercials or dead butterflies — over the past week.
At first, I’d blamed her for bringing some rare American germ with her that had taken me out, but my best friend was quick to remind me that I’d been in America only a few short weeks before and was probably still immune to whatever freak superbug I was trying to lay the blame on.
Some days had been better than others, but then it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I knew I had some basic health care coverage through a student health insurance the university required me to purchase, which gave me free access to the surprisingly modern medical center on campus. If it got too bad, I could always go there, but I was still trying to wait it out.
“It comes and goes.”
Jenn pursed her lips together but didn’t say anything, a habit of hers that drove me absolutely bonkers because Jenn spoke the same way she thought — quickly and dramatically. For her to keep her thoughts to herself worried me.
“Huh,” was all she said.
“What does that mean?”
I rounded the pedestal that held the figure that she was pretending to be interested in and gave her a pointed look.
“It means huh, I wonder if this statue was made out of copper or steel?”
Liar.
Annoyed, I brushed past my best friend and wandered into the impressionist room where I let my roiling stomach take a back seat in my worries for a moment. I felt hot and clammy and cold all at the same time, and I couldn’t help but jump to the worst-case scenario over and over multiple times a day: the black death.
Had I been bitten by a rat since I arrived in Cassia? Mentally going through each nook and cranny of my room back at the manor, I tried to rule out rodents crawling through holes in the wall at night to secretly bite me. Without meaning to, I even gave myself a quick once-over to see if there were any chew marks I’d been too tired to notice.
“What on earth are you looking for?”
Jenn appeared directly behind me and made me jump. She also reminded me of that encounter not too long ago in the rose garden with a certain duke I was trying hard not to think about.
“Mosquito bites,” I said with a shrug as I turned around. “Ruling out malaria.”
Jenn shook her head, but not before giving me another indiscernible look. “You’re an idiot,” was all she said as she turned to take in the paintings.
“I think I’ll drop into the urgent care at the student medical center the next time I’m in town on Wednesday.” I smiled, trying not to sound like such a whiner. “At least I could get on antibiotics if I’ve caught something.”
“Mmm hmm,” Jenn said, nodding and ignoring.
“You could at least try to take my impending doom more seriously, Jenn.” I was joking. Kinda. The lingering illness was really beginning to worry me.
“You’re not dying, Iliana,” she said as she studied a Renoir painting on loan to the museum.
Jenn was a theater girl herself but had always loved art and museums, and she’d dragged me to each and every one we could find in a hundred mile radius of our campus throughout our college adventures together.
“It feels like it,” I moaned to myself as I fanned my face with the museum program, dreaming of the moment I’d be released from this hell of pretending to care about the exhibits and would be free to chase down something cold to drink from a nearby vending machine.
Later that day, we sat at an outside lunch counter, and I sucked down my third glass of ginger ale. Jenn was unusually quiet as she devoured her turkey club sandwich.
As we made our way to the little bus station, she told me to wait for her as she dashed into a small convenience store and pharmacy that seemed to be the way of things in Cassia. To me, it was like a 7-Eleven and a Walgreens had some sort of strange hybrid child that sold electrolyte drinks, beef jerky, and constipation suppositories.
She jogged outside just as the bus back to the manor pulled up, and she just shook her head when I shot her a questioning look.
“Needed some gum,” she said as she pushed around me to get on the bus.
“Gum?” I asked, but she was already finding a seat for us.
***
Aunt Hermione loved Jenn about as much as I did and doted on her “adopted grand-niece” as if she’d known my friend since she was in diapers.
“More food, Jennifer?” she asked, pushing a pile of steamed vegetables toward Jenn.
“I’m going to gain forty pounds on this vacation, Auntie Hermione.” Jenn laughed but didn’t hesitate to scoop more food onto her plate.
In front of me, the beautiful meatloaf Hermione’s staff had prepared for us sat mostly untouched. I’d eaten the green beans and the salad, but the thought of anything heavier than that made my stomach suspicious.
“Not hungry, Iliana?” Hermione asked, casting a worried glance over at me.
“Stomach’s a little off, that’s all,” I said, trying to beam my brightest smile over to her. I knew it was probably falling short, but at least only Jenn would know the difference. And she obviously noticed because her eyes narrowed a fraction before bouncing back over to my aunt.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?”
I’d just taken a giant gulp of my ginger ale and was in the middle of swallowing, but Jenn beat me to answering. “Iliana has the day off tomorrow, and the day after that will be a long one for her at the palace. We thought we might head to the arts district down by Seaside.”
Seaside, we’d learned, was the name of a small tourist attraction village. It was pretty gimmicky, according to Marta, but it was worth a visit at least once.
“Charming,” Hermione said, beaming. “I’m not going anywhere tomorrow, so I’ll have Edmund drive you two. It’ll be quicker than the bus.”
The thought brightened me instantly. The bus had been torture the past couple days with its constant stopping and starting.
“Are you sure?” I asked. “You might—”
Hermione waved her hand at me. “Hush. You’ll have the best time.” She tapped her lips with her finger. “And Edmund, I believe, has family down that way. He can visit with them while you two explore.”
It sounded like a perfect plan, and Jenn was happy with the thought too, as her face clearly showed.
“It’s going to be great,” I smiled at Hermione as I stacked the plates to take them to the kitchen, where I was met by a tight-lipped housekeeper who insisted I leave them alone.
With nothing else to do but collapse into a tired heap, Jenn and I retired to our rooms where we both went our separate ways to shower and get ready for bed.
A knock sounded on my door, and before I could say a word, Jenn popped inside. “Whatcha up to, Squeaks?” She sounded casual, but the tight smile on her face clued me into something being amiss.
I eyed her for a moment. “Watching television.” She was holding something behind her back and was acting strange. Slowly, I sat up, starting to get concerned. “What’s that?”
Jenn blew out a breath, and with that nervous gesture, my heart began to pick up speed. When she said, “Don’t freak out,” I felt the freak-out creep up my spine.
She showed me the bag from the pharmacy, then opened it and pulled out an obnoxiously hot pink box.
I gasped. “Noooooo…” The word continued until I had to take a deep breath. “Are you pregnant? When? Who?” A thousand questions swirled through my mind. Nate? Had she ended up having sex with Nate even after she told me she hadn’t? Someone else?
She laughed. “Not me, Silly Illy.”
I blinked at her. Then as if a fog started lifting from my weary brain, I realized she was talking about me.
“Nooooooo…”
She waited until I took a breath before saying, “Yes, dude. You need to take this.”
I didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing until my lungs began to burn. I coughed. “Nooooo—”
She stomped her foot. “Stop it. You’re going to die from denial if you don’t quit.”
“But… why… I don’t… do… huh?”
I’d actually made really great grades all through school, but right then, I couldn’t string a coherent thought together.
Jenn tossed the box down on my bed, then sat down and took my hands. “Have you had a period since you and Duke Charming hooked up in San Diego?”
I hadn’t, but I wasn’t late. I scanned a mental calendar and did a few lines of math in my head. Not that late, anyway.
“Stress of traveling, moving so far away, taking a new job…” I said, hearing the panic rise in my voice. “I should get it any day now.”
Jenn frowned at me and pushed the bag into my chest. “Walk your ass into that bathroom and pee on the stick.”
I opened my mouth to speak but looked down at the box in my hands.
There was no way. Was there?
Her voice softened. “Just do it. Maybe it is the traveling, moving so far away, or taking a new job. Or maybe it’s something else. You need to know.”
Did I?
Couldn’t I play in denial land a little longer? Pretend I’d swallowed a watermelon seed or something?
“I don’t need to pee.”
It was the only excuse I could think of, even though my bladder had suddenly shrunken to the size of a marble and was vehemently disagreeing.
“Pee anyway.”
They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. Well, mine flashed before my eyes as I thought of all my hopes and dreams meeting that same fate.
On legs that felt like gelatin filled wood, I stood and walked toward the bathroom.
Like a true friend, Jenn opened the package, read the instructions off to me, then left me alone to do the deed.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
“You okay?”
I washed my hands and opened the door. Jenn took me in her arms as the clock continued to count down the longest four minutes of my life. The box said it only needed two minutes, but I wasn’t going to rush anything.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Pulling back, I looked into Jenn’s eyes. “If it’s positive, what will happen?”
She took my face in her hands. “Then you have some decisions to make.”
What if I got kicked out of the country for carrying the Duke of Becktonas’s illegitimate child? They didn’t still do stuff like that, did they? Oh… the tabloids. I’d be ripped to shreds, the most private moments of my life exposed. And my parents! Oh. No.
No. No. No.
“Breathe, Il. Sweetie, you need to breathe.”
She was right. I had decisions to make and oxygen in the brain would help me make them.
Inhaling deeply, I forced myself into a more manageable level of stressed. “How do I tell him?”
She just hugged me again. “It will be okay,” she said after additional seconds passed by. “I promise.”
“I’ll suck as a mother.”
She pulled back. “Does that mean you want to keep it?”
My mind was racing in a million directions at once, but there was something deep down inside me that was solid and grounded and whole. That teeny tiny part of me said, yes. I want my baby.
My baby.
A tiny link to me. Someone I could focus all my heart and attention on. Someone who’d need me. Love me.
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I pressed my hands to my lower belly. Could it be true? Could life be growing inside me? Seb’s baby a tiny speck in my womb?
It was terrifying. It was awe-inspiring. Life. Could I really give another human life?
Even if I had to do it on my own?
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick.
The alarm on my phone rang.
I hadn’t answered Jennifer’s question, but I needed to answer her before I even looked at that little stick.
“Yes. If I’m pregnant, I’ll raise the baby. Even if I have to do it alone.”
She kissed my cheek. “You’ll never be alone. You’ll have me.”
The tears fell, hot and wet down my cheeks. “Thank you.”
She squeezed my hands, tears streaming down her face too. “Look at us, making plans and we haven’t even looked at the stick yet.”
But I was frozen in place. I counted to ten, then twenty, then a hundred, and yet I still couldn’t move.
“We used condoms.”
She cupped my face in her hands. “Which aren’t one-hundred-percent effective. Especially if you didn’t use them right.”
And it hit me.
After the first time, he stayed inside me then grew hard again without changing the condom. So stupid. I knew better. Hell, he probably knew better. But what had happened between us had been so amazing I’d just wanted more.
I pressed my hand to my stomach. I guessed I got my more.
“Ready to look?”
Yes. No.
There was supposed to be a doting husband standing where Jenn was standing now, just as nervous as me. And when the results came back positive for us, we’d cry and hug, and he’d feed me cheesecake and rub my feet all in the same night.
It wasn’t supposed to be my best friend talking me through this panic attack, but I was grateful for her being there all the same.
She was my lifeline at the moment, and no matter what happened in the next minute, my very best friend in the world wouldn’t let me stumble and fall.
It was going to be okay — somehow.
“I’m scared.”
Jenn nodded. “I am too, but it will be fine.”
With more courage than I’d ever had to muster before, I turned and walked over to the little stick sitting on the bathroom sink.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Pale. Frightened. Pregnant?
Taking in a deep breath, I looked down at the little plastic test that had the ability to change the entire course of my life.
And it did.
In that single moment, I went from being a woman to being a mother.