Davis woke Jackson up around seven the next morning, tapping him on the shoulder. “I need to talk to you.”
Jackson glanced down at Autumn sprawled out across his body, her head on his stomach. “I can’t get up. Can it wait?”
He shook his head. “I’ll be in the living room.”
After Jackson moved Autumn to her pillow, he covered her and kissed her before following Davis, closing the door behind him when he went. He yawned and sat in the recliner, waiting for his friend to start talking.
“They made an arrest but the prick made bond. He has an alibi for the time of the fire so that cuts him out of the arson charge, but they received an anonymous tip he’s running a dog fighting ring. They found the ring and a few pit bulls so they charged him with that while they continue to investigate. It’s really looking like a long shot though since no one actually saw a dog fight. He might walk free and clear.”
“Fuck.” Jackson ran his hands over his face. “That’s not what I wanted to hear this morning.”
“He’s paying them off.” Davis flopped down on the couch. “The only way someone that shady can evade the law is to buy it.”
Jackson agreed. “Do me a favor. Don’t tell your sister today. We’re supposed to have a planned ‘good’ day, and this will only make it shitty.”
“How’s she doing?”
“Good. We stayed up talking and she actually started smiling again. The poor girl has had more than her fair share of downs lately. I promised her we’d have a fun day today so if anything happens talk to me about it and not her.”
Davis nodded. “And what about you? Are you suppressing your feelings or are you really doing okay?”
His best friend knew him well. “I’m fine. I was a little shaken and shell-shocked, but I’m fine. She wanted to name it and we chose the name Peyton Reilly.”
Davis smiled. “That was the name of her favorite doll.”
Jackson nodded. “Anyway, it’s a unisex name and gives us a memory of the small baby’s life. No matter how short it was.”
Davis stared at Jackson for a while not saying a word. The two had been through hard times together, each seeing the other at his worst as well as his best. Jackson had been there when Davis got shot and everyone thought he’d bleed out before they got him to the hospital in Iraq. Jackson donated blood to save his friend’s life and it only brought them closer.
Davis, however, had been there in Jackson’s darkest moments, on every anniversary of his mother’s death. After Jackson got drunk and passed out in his own vomit, Davis had been the one who carried him back to his room, cleaned him up, and poured gallons of coffee down his throat so he wouldn’t get in trouble with the commanding officers the next day.
In their own way, they were a team. They were partners in crime and best friends all other times. And they each shared a love for Autumn that was indescribable.
“Do you realize what the other day was?” Davis asked.
Jackson thought back. The days were running together in his mind. “No. What?”
“The anniversary of your mother’s death.” Davis leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “Maybe you should go to her grave.”
“I can’t.” Jackson stood and escaped toward the kitchen. “Autumn will be with me. I promised nothing bad would happen today. Visiting my mother’s grave is anything but a fun time.”
“You haven’t been to see her in years, Jackson. It won’t hurt you to pay your respects. Plus, it gives you an opening to tell Autumn about your past.” Davis followed him, heading straight to the refrigerator for a soda.
“It’s not happening, Davis, so drop it.”
“What’s not happening?” Autumn came around the corner, hair tousled from sleep and a frown on her face.
Davis popped the top of his can. “Jack just woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. He’s grouchy.”
Autumn rubbed her eyes and yawned. “We stayed up late last night. I suppose he has right.”
Davis shrugged. “He likes to think so.” He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. Your niece or nephew’s name is Peyton Reilly. We named the baby last night.” She leaned against him, depending on his strength to keep her upright.
“So I guess Peyton Reilly did officially become part of the Callahan family.” Davis kissed her temple. “She used to carry that ugly doll around and make each one of us treat it like it was her child. I can’t count how many times I had to change its diaper.”
Autumn nodded, glancing down. Jackson knew the tears were about to fall from the look on her face and decided to change the subject. “So what did you have planned for us to do?”
She blinked them back. “I want to go bowling.”
“Oh, have you ever played Jackson in a game of bowling? The boy needs bumpers to get the ball to the pins.” Davis stepped away and grabbed his drink. He glanced over at Jackson. “And my sister was the best in the league.”
Autumn met his eyes. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. We’ll do something else.”
“Bowling is fine.” Jackson gave Davis a look, warning him to shut his big fat mouth. “Gives you an excuse to teach me.”
Autumn seemed happy enough with that and left them to get ready. Jackson rubbed his brow. “Davis, do me a favor and keep your big mouth shut.”
“What did I do?”
“She’s still sensitive about the baby. Just don’t talk about it unless she brings it up.”
Davis waved him off and parked his butt on the couch again.
He knew a million and one things were going through her mind. Not only was she grief-stricken, she saw Peyton as the child she always wanted, the child she’d never get to know. Jackson saw it in her eyes when Davis talked about her doll, making fun of it almost subconsciously mocking her. He knew he meant well, but sometimes Davis just didn’t use his brain.
* * * *
Autumn held Jackson’s hand as they walked through the park. Davis was right, Jackson needed kiddie bumpers. She smiled at the act he put on, knowing he only wanted her to guide him. He probably thought it made her feel needed.
“You’re a terrible liar.” She pulled him to a cozy remote area where they could sit in the grass and watch the geese swim on the lake. “I know your hiding something from me. Might as well spill it.”
Jackson sat with her between his legs, arms holding her close. “I was just thinking.”
“About what? The baby?”
He pressed his face into her neck. “Among other things.”
She was an emotional wreck ever since the doctor told her what happened. She understood his need to protect her but hated that he walked on egg shells because of it.
“Tell me.”
“You miscarried on the same day my mother died.”
She remained quiet, letting him talk about it and not pressing him for information.
“My mom was pregnant when she died, with a little baby girl. Chloe was her name.”
Autumn laced her fingers with his. “Chloe’s a beautiful name.”
“Yeah.” He licked his lips. “My mom let me help her pick it out. She wrote down three names she liked and I got to choose out of those three which one we’d call the baby. I chose Chloe.”
“How old were you?”
“Nine.”
A million questions ran through Autumn’s mind, each one being something she knew she couldn’t ask him. She wanted to know about his past. She wanted to understand his background, where he came from, who brought him into this world and made him the man he is today. She wanted to ask these things but at the same time she never wanted to talk about it. His past brought him pain, and no matter what age, losing a parent is hard.
“Look, I didn’t mean to bring a rain cloud in on our sunny day. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He kissed her and she laid her head back against his shoulder.
“Jax, there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ day. Being with you is my perfect day, and honestly, that’s all I can ask for.” She turned in his arms. “I want you to know you can tell me anything, Jackson. Don’t hold back your feelings because your afraid you’ll upset mine. I hate that you’re dealing with so much pain by yourself. I know it’s in the past. I know losing a parent is hard, and you’d do anything you could to spend just one more day with them. But talking about it might help clear the air.” She framed his face with her hands and kissed him. “You’re a good man, Jackson. A good, honorable man who deserves to be happy no matter what happened in the past.”
She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. “I love you so much, even if you don’t think it’s possible and even when I’m mad at you.” She smiled at him and he gradually returned the favor. “I love the look I put in your eyes when we’re together and alone, being casual or intimate. You make me feel so special with that look, Jackson, and I could only hope I reflect the same.”
“I’ve got to do something.” He glanced away from her, tears filling his eyes. “Something by myself.”
Autumn gazed at him. She wanted him to open up to her, not pull away. “Do you want to take me back home?”
He nodded. After the quick drive home, she stood in the front yard with her arms wrapped around her stomach and watched him leave. Davis came outside and pulled her into the porch swing where they sat together for a while, peacefully quiet.
“How did his mother die, Davis?” Autumn pulled her legs up and turned toward her brother. “He told me she was pregnant and that she was killed. What happened?”
He met her eyes. “I can’t tell you that.”
“Was she murdered?”
“Autumn, he needs to be the one to tell you.”
“Why? He’s hurting, Davis. I tried to get him to open up, but he’ll only talk about losing the baby. His past is off-limits.” She hugged her legs to her chest. “He said I miscarried on the day his mother died. That hurts me enough as it is, and I know it’s hurting him.”
Davis wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Beverly was pregnant with Chloe, Jackson’s unborn little sister. Both died as a result of protecting him.”
Autumn tears filled her eyes. “Where was his father?”
“Autumn, I really want to tell you, but he needs to be the one having this discussion. Not me.” He kissed her cheek. “Did he say where he was going?”
She shook her head. Jackson was in military mode which meant he was all work and no play. He was in the hardcore, don’t-fuck-with-me mode where he would chew you out in a heartbeat should you look at him wrong. She hadn’t seen him that way since the first day he walked back into her life.
“Do you really think he loves me?” Autumn shifted away from Davis, needing some space. “Because I love him, and if he walks away this time . . . I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Her brother leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “Do you really need to ask that question? I know he doesn’t say it, but I’ve seen him showing it with my own eyes. He may not know it’s love, may not want to admit it, but it’s there and there is nothing he can do to get rid of it.”
Autumn nodded. “He told me once, in the kitchen. He said he loved me.”
Davis turned toward her. “Do you believe him?”
“I don’t want history to repeat itself.”
As far as she was concerned, they had a long way to go. She wanted to believe that no matter what, they could conquer anything if they stuck together. But he would eventually have a decision to make, one that possibly excluded her from his life. She hated thinking it. Hated that the thought of him saying, “I love you” to cater to her emotional needs crossed her mind. He said he meant it, but he only said it once. Why that was so important to her, she didn’t understand.
* * * *
After two days of drunkenness, Jackson tipped his fifth beer of that day to his lips and stared down at the grave of Beverly Ann Cooper. It’d been years since he’d been to her grave. The first five after his father’s death, he had brought vodka or beer to numb the pain. He couldn’t stand the memories seeing her name brought, couldn’t relive the past as he often did. She’d been gone twenty-five years, and each one hurt worse than the last.
Jackson’s eyes burned from the tears. The beer in his hand didn’t numb the pain any better today than it had back then. His heart ripped to shreds and losing his baby on top of it all just added to the mix.
Autumn became his comfort, he realized in the short time he stayed with her. No matter what stupid comments he made, what actions took place she was there. And she cared. She loved him like no other person on earth ever had. She gave him stability when all he had in his life was chaos and he needed her now.
He grabbed his cell and punched in her number. He just wanted to hear her voice. He knew she was in pain herself and ached to hear her laugh or see her pretty face. It was time to bite the bullet and put it all on the frontlines. He needed to talk to her about everything no matter how bad it hurt.
The phone rang and she picked up. “Hello?”
Jackson’s tears felt like hot lava flowing down his cheeks. He tipped the bottle back and wondered what the hell he was doing. Where he was supposed to go from here.
“Hello?” she asked again.
“Hey,” he croaked, his heart breaking all over again.
“Jackson?” Autumn’s voice seemed almost relieved. “Where are you? I’ve been worried about you.”
“Fort Dix Cemetery.”
Her side of the line fell silent and then she said, “Are you okay?”
He tipped the bottle to his lips with a shaky hand. “No.”
His head ached from the continual buzz, but his mind was clear. He still saw the horrid pictures of his mother lying on the floor, blood pouring from her body. The image had haunted him for years, still haunted him, as he sat in the cemetery talking to the one person who could possibly help make it all go away.
“Jackson, will you stay where you’re at so I can come to you?”
“Yeah,” he rasped. “Hurry.”
He clicked the phone off and dropped his head to his hands. Autumn would know what to do. She had a good heart and a strong mind. She would know what he needed to do to get over this. She would be his only hope of getting over his sins of the past.
* * * *
Autumn spotted him immediately and knew he was drunk. Davis promised her Jackson would be fine but two days without him was torture. He knelt over someone’s grave—his mother’s, she assumed—with his head in his hands shuddering.
She walked toward him slowly. Her heart ached as each step brought her closer to him. She wanted to comfort him, to take away the pain and kiss away his tears. She wrapped her arms around him and he held to her tightly. He smelled like beer as he cried on her shoulder, shaking with sobs while she held him.
“It all my fault.” He pressed his face against her neck, the stubble on his chin scraping against her skin. “She’s dead because of me.”
Autumn glanced at the tombstone. In bold letters, it stated: Beverly Ann Cooper. Beneath it, it showed the date of her death, twenty-five years ago. She stroked his back, holding him as tight as he held her. He clutched her shirt in his hands with his lips against her neck.
“I’m sorry.” He spoke, though she knew he wasn’t speaking to her. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Autumn kissed him. “Jackson, why don’t we get a motel for the night?” Home was only a few miles away, but he needed to be alone with her. “Let’s get a room at Fort Dix Motel.”
He nodded against her shoulder.
She helped him up and walked him to her car. After settling him in the passenger seat, she got behind the wheel and drove to the motel just a few blocks away. When they arrived she rented a room and then unlocked the door and helped him stumble inside. She stripped off his clothes and forced him into the bathroom where she turned on the shower and pushed him inside.
She stood there, holding him up with the cold water spraying down on him. Whatever pain he harbored inside, getting drunk was hardly the way to deal with it. She grabbed the bar of soap and lathered her hands and began to wash the stench of beer and sweat from his skin.
“I want to be inside you, Autumn. You’re the only thing that can make the pain go away. I want to fuck you now.”
Autumn rubbed her hands along his stomach. “Jackson, neither one of us is ready for that. You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk.” He shook his head. “If I were drunk I wouldn’t feel the pain anymore.”
She stopped her movements and glanced up at him. He broke her heart standing there. She looked into his glossy eyes and saw the pain he talked about. A pain that to him was not on the surface, but soul deep.
“Tell me what happened, Jackson. Tell me everything.”
He pulled her against his wet body and kissed her. She closed her eyes and squeezed him in a hug, afraid to let him go. The only thing that mattered was him. She wanted him close to her just as much as he needed her near him.
After the water turned icy against their skin, she pulled away long enough to flick the water off and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. She pulled one for herself and quickly shed her wet clothes and wrapped the soft terry cloth around her. Jackson stood in a stupor, hurting so badly she could see it in his eyes. She reached for his hand and led him to the bed where he fell face first against the mattress. She climbed in beside him and waited for him to start the conversation.
“I was just nine,” he began with a whisper. “My mom was pregnant with a little girl, something she thanked God for every day. My dad, however, was an abusive man and liked to take a lot of his troubles out on others.” He grabbed a pillow and propped it up under his chin. “He hardly hit me, but I’d done something that day and he took off his belt and came after me, over and over. My mom entered the room, in the middle of it and snapped. She pushed me away from him and put herself between us. She told my father he could do anything he wanted to her, but he wouldn’t touch her child. She stood up for me.”
Tears filled his eyes when they met hers and Autumn reached out to touch his hand. He stopped talking and she wanted to push him to tell her more. She brushed his wet hair back and waited patiently.
“They started fighting, and my dad pinned her to the floor. He called her every name in the book as he punched her. She begged him to stop, but he kept on until she started bleeding.”
Jackson went quiet. The silence was almost deafening to her ears as she waited for him to resume talking again. She couldn’t imagine what he went through witnessing that. She couldn’t imagine what he lived with feeling the way he felt. In a silent signal telling him it was okay to continue, Autumn scooted closer to him. She rubbed his neck and kissed his forehead before pressing his head against her shoulder.
“I’m right here, Jackson.” No matter how hard she tried, Autumn would never get Jackson close enough.
“I know. I wanted to stop it. There was so much blood coming from her, and she wasn’t moving. I tried stopping him. I screamed. I cried. I jumped on his back. Nothing stopped him, though. He slammed me into the wall and kept hitting her until she stopped fighting.”
Autumn closed her eyes, forbidding the tears gathering in her eyes to fall. “What happened afterward?”
“My dad looked over at me and said my mom paid for my sins and that he was stuck with a sorry bastard son like me.”
“Oh, Jackson.” The tears fell. She wrapped her arms around him.
Gently, he pushed her away and sat up. Autumn saw him change right before her eyes. He went from the caring, loving Jackson who made her feel like the luckiest woman alive to the hardcore Marine that was out for blood and would stop at nothing to get it.
“He convinced the police he came home to find her that way. Ruled it as a burglary or something. Naturally, the investigators in our small town found nothing, and he walked away free and clear. I spent nine years with that man. He beat me for no reason other than the fact he took great pleasure in it. I spent many nights wondering if there was a better life for me out there, something that didn’t hurt, you know? I guess I wanted a Brady Bunch kind of life.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if that even exists, but the only solace I found was in women’s bed. I lost my virginity at eleven to a woman who took me into her home and gave me a safe place to sleep at night. I begged my friends to let me stay with them so I wouldn’t have to go home. I did my best to finish school and hopefully make something of myself.”
Jackson tossed the pillow aside and fell back against the mattress with a groan. “I know how that makes me look in your eyes, but you don’t understand what it was like living with that man.”
Autumn tilted her head to the side, absorbing the information he just gave her. “I’m not here to judge you, Jackson. I love you with no conditions and everyone has bits of the past that their ashamed of. You had your reasons for what you did, and those reasons are something I accept. You were just a kid and you didn’t deserve any of this, Jackson. Nor is any of it your fault.”
“Why do you have to be so nice? You could cut me down and yell at me for what I did, not only to you but also the women before and after you. I did fuck anything in a skirt for the pitiful excuse of finding some kind of happiness in my pathetic life. How can you just sit there and be nice to me?”
Autumn debated her words, choosing them wisely. “Would you rather I be mean? You want me to be like every other person who has come into your life and cut you down, treat you like shit and make you feel like a failure? I know what you’re thinking, Jackson, and it won’t work. I will not give you reason to push me away. You were hurt. Not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. Trust me, I’m not being nice, as you put it, because I pity you. You don’t need my pity or anyone else’s for that matter.”
She carefully straddled his lap and leaned over him, forcing him meet her eyes. “I love you, and people who love each other, support one another. You were hurt and you’re still hurting.” She placed her hand over his heart. “You are special to me and I’m here for you.”
Jackson’s hands smoothed over her back, gliding down until he cupped her ass. “You really mean it?” he whispered.
She kissed him, unable to voice anymore words. All the time she’d known him, Jackson was strong. Even when they were intimate, he showed little vulnerability. Autumn hugged him, wishing she could do more to make his pain and suffering go away.
“There’s more to the story.” He propped his chin on her shoulder. “When I turned eighteen, three days before I was set to leave for boot camp, my father pulled a gun on me.”
Autumn’s heart raced. She pulled back and stared at him while he spoke.
“He didn’t like it that I was leaving. He threatened me, among other things, and finally lashed out at me physically, and I snapped. I was older and stronger and could take on the drunk better than I realized. I felt so much anger toward him, and I don’t know what happened. The Major said I probably blacked out since I only remember pieces of it but I started punching my father just like he did my mother. The gun fell to the side, and when he laid motionless, I picked it up.”
He stopped again, obviously tired of telling his story. Autumn ran her fingers through his wet hair, trying to catch his attention, to get that lost look of darkness off his face.
“I didn’t think, only reacted, and pointed the gun at him. I saw it all over again like a horror movie flashing before my eyes. He taunted me, told me I wasn’t man enough to stand up for my family, that I was a worthless piece of shit who should have died with my mother.” Jackson gulped a breath. “I shot him.”
Autumn could see much more than hurt on Jackson’s face. It was physically painful for her to watch him suffer so much. Maybe she shouldn’t have pushed him to tell her. Maybe if she kept her big mouth shut he would have been better off.
“I explained everything to the police, of the abuse and the beatings and told them I shot him in self-defense. A day later, I was enlisted and boarded a plane to North Carolina to meet your father.” Jackson glanced toward the bathroom and then looked down at the hand that rested against her thigh. “I’m sorry there isn’t a happy ending to this tragic tale. I actually talked to both Davis and the Major about it years ago. Your dad, being the great guy he is, sat me down piss-assed drunk and made me spill my guts to him after he roughed me up a bit.” Jackson smiled at the memory. “Davis was there on every anniversary of my mom’s death. We were in Germany together when I told him the first time and I was drunk then, too. Only three people know about it, you being the third.”
“Jax, I love you so much.” She kissed him and hugged him. “I don’t know what to say or do but I want to help you heal. To help you get through this.”
He pressed his face into her chest. “I need to be inside you. Please, Autumn. You’re my only hope of healing because up until now, all I’ve done is survive. I want to be happy and I’m only happy when I’m with you.”
Autumn’s heart rejoiced just as much as it wept for him. She pushed him away and tugged the towel from her body, tossing it to the side. Jackson watched her, waiting. Autumn kneeled beside him and tugged the fold of his towel.
“Sex isn’t going to change anything, Jackson. Whether you believe it or not, you need my love and you have it all. You always have and always will.” She cupped his cheeks and leaned forward to kiss him. “I love you, Jackson Cooper. And I’ll keep saying it over and over again as much as you need to hear it.”
Autumn could guess Jackson laid next to her trying to sort out his emotions. She pulled the covers around them and simply held him against her body. The last thing Jackson needed was to continue burying his feelings from the past. She refused to be like all the other women he essentially used, and thankfully he didn’t argue or put up a fight.
“I feel like shit.” He rubbed his eyes.
Autumn kissed his hair, breathing in his scent while she looked for the right words to say. “Why do you feel like shit?”
“Because I couldn’t stop it. Even if I couldn’t physically stop him, I should have told someone who could. I should have done something to help her out. Maybe if I hadn’t cried or run from him, maybe she wouldn’t have found out and would still be here today.”
Autumn stroked his back. “Honey, it was something completely out of your power to control. Playing the what-if game will only drive you crazy.”
Jackson hand rested against her stomach. “I don’t think I ever told her I loved her. I made Chloe a Valentine’s card—she was due on Valentine’s day—that had a big heart that popped out of the middle. I told my baby sister all the time that I loved her, but I can’t remember telling my mother.”
“She knew.” Tears formed in Autumn’s eyes. “That’s the funny thing with love. It’s not always expressed with words. I have no doubt in my mind your mother knew you loved her and Chloe. And I have no doubts about how much she loved you.”
“She made me feel special.” Jackson rolled onto his stomach. “She used to take me shopping with her and buy me things. Even when my father used to bitch about her spending all his money, if I asked for a toy or piece of candy she didn’t say no. I got to pick out stuff for Chloe. She always made me feel a part of everything she did, and I felt on top of the world.
“She loved my father. I can’t understand or comprehend it, but she was madly in love with him.” Jackson stuffed the pillow under his chin and rubbed his eyes with the tips of his fingers. “That’s what I don’t get. How could she love such a sadistic bastard?”
Autumn curled around him, running her fingers through his damp hair. “Love’s not something that is meant for us to understand. It’s an emotion we choose to accept. My mom told me one time that she didn’t love my father for any reason other than she wanted to. I didn’t really understand it until I fell in love with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well”—she sat up to wrap the blankets around her—“I always pictured my life would be like the fairy tales. My prince would ride up on a white horse and rescue me from the evil in my life and fight until death for my love. And then we’d live happily ever after.” Autumn chuckled. “Needless to say, I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.”
“You wouldn’t let anyone rescue you even if it did happen.” His lips tilted upward. “You’re too hardheaded.”
She shrugged. “Probably. The exact moment I fell in love with you was our last night together. I convinced you to go on a picnic with me and we spent time talking about life and where we wanted to go. You were just about to head out to the Amazon with my dad, and I was about to enroll in vet school. We had a heart-to-heart discussion for the longest time that ended with sweet lovemaking under the stars right there in my Dad’s field. I suppose I was stupid and too young to know anything, but to me, that night meant everything.”
Autumn reached for his hand. “My point is, I loved you because I wanted to. I didn’t need a single reason but I have plenty. Aside from your cocky attitude, I saw a different part of you that night which made me fall head over heels faster than anything. It’s a choice I made by myself that night, and it’s a choice I made all over again when you walked back into my life.”
“And I walked out on you.”
“You did the right thing.” Autumn brushed her thumb along the back of his hand. “Granted, you handled it in a very crappy way, but neither one of us was truly ready for a real relationship. We weren’t ready for marriage or kids at that age, and we sure as hell had way too much youth to get out of our systems. But now we’ve got a second chance.”
Jackson pulled her to him. “You’re an amazing woman, do you know that? I don’t know what it is about you but you make everything more bearable. I love you, Autumn. I never thought I’d ever say those words to another human being in my life, but I do. I love you and you mean more to me than what words can describe.”
Autumn rested her cheek against his shoulder. “Ditto.”