When Jackson awoke he was alone in Autumn’s bed with the sheets bunched around his hips. He yawned and sat up, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. 12:45. Damn.
He grabbed the pair of pajama bottoms draped on the papasan chair in the corner of the room. He hadn’t meant to sleep this late, though he’d been damned tired when his head hit the pillow. Autumn, however, stayed up and talked to—no drilled—him about Gallagher until he finally told her enough. She hadn’t been too happy when the lights went out and from the looks of it, he was seriously going to have to kiss some ass to make up for it.
“Autumn?” he called to the silent house. He walked through the living room and into the kitchen, with Autumn nowhere to be found.
He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with orange juice. Tipping it to his lips, he spotted the note she left him hanging on the refrigerator.
When you decide to wake up you can meet us at the clinic. ~A
Jackson groaned and grabbed the phone. After punching in Autumn’s cell number, he took another sip of orange juice.
“Did you finally decide to wake up?” she asked when she answered on the third ring.
“Hello, darling. It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“Can it. I tried waking you up three times and you ignored me so we left without you.” He heard the background noise lessen as if she walked away from the crowd.
“You talked me to death last night. I needed my beauty sleep.” He leaned against the counter and looked out the small window over the sink.
The day was really crappy. Rain drizzled enough to make it wet outside but not enough to claim it was actually raining. He could imagine what the clinic looked like and dreaded meeting them there.
“I don’t have time for a comeback. The fire marshal met with us today. He ruled the fire as arson. It seems there was a card found at the sight. Frank’s business card. I didn’t see it, but Jeffery spotted it, and I had to have a big sit-down discussion with the police.” She paused. “Are you going to come down here?”
“As soon as I get ready. Why? Do you need me?” He stood to his full height and reached in the cabinet for a Pop-Tart.
“No. I was just wondering if you were avoiding me.”
Jackson propped the phone between his ear and shoulder to open the package. “I thought you wanted time away from me? That’s what you said last night.”
“Jackson, please don’t do this. I can’t handle the smart-assed comments right now. I’m running purely on coffee and adrenaline.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Sorry. That was real shitty of me. I’ll be there in an hour or so.”
After they hung up, he dropped the two Pop-Tarts in the toaster. Today is going to be so much fun.
* * * *
Autumn’s head pounded, feeling on the verge of exploding. The smoke smell sank into her clothing, and the charred building a hazard to everyone and everything around them. She talked with the fire marshal for over an hour about what he thought happened. Then, she went to the police station to report all that had happened with Frank. She thought getting everything off her chest would help, but the police only nagged her about why she hadn’t come in sooner. After spending most of the morning there, she finally wound up back at the clinic where Jeffery and Davis had carried out filing cabinets and Summer and Kristin had sorted out the salvageable records.
Now, she sat outside in the rain, contemplating the next move to make. The building was obviously not going to be repaired after the last ordeal. So that meant she was out of work. No income meant no food, clothing, or shelter over her head. She calculated her savings and figured she could live possibly two months maximum on that if she needed. She’d be stretching every penny, but she could sacrifice.
Jackson’s truck pulled in the parking lot, and Autumn straightened from her crouched position. She watched as he parked and got out. His pull-over windbreaker protected him from the rain, and Autumn couldn’t help noticing the stubble covering his face made him dangerously sexy. She hated the fact that even when she wanted to be mad at him, she couldn’t. She simply couldn’t when she looked at him and he knew it. He took advantage of it.
“Why are you sitting out here by yourself?” He tucked the keys in his pocket.
She held up the phone. “Phone call. The police are bringing in Frank for questioning.”
Jackson sat beside her on the wooden bench outside the door. “You look like you’ve lost your best friend.”
“I’m contemplating my life. It’s not exactly a party right now.” She flipped her phone open and flipped it closed. “I have no job, no income. I have no place to open a clinic, no money to do so. Hardly anything is salvageable in there from the fire and water damage. I just . . .” She blew out a breath and continued to play with her phone. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Jackson turned toward her, propping his arm on the back of the bench. “I hear McDonald’s is hiring.”
She glared at him tears welling in her eyes. “Thanks, Jackson.”
Jackson rolled his eyes. “Autumn, you know any one of your family members would help you out. Hell, your dad would buy a state of the art clinic for you if you asked. You know I’d help you, too. I probably don’t have enough for a clinic, but I have money. The only thing I ever spend my paychecks on is upkeep on my great aunt’s house. Why worry about the small stuff? Let’s get Gallagher and make him pay for his dirty deeds, and then we’ll talk about the rest.”
She wiped her eyes and glanced away. “Everything is so cut-and-dry with you, isn’t it? Black and white with no gray in the middle.”
He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder. “No. It used to be but it isn’t anymore. I don’t think you want pity, Autumn. You’re a strong woman and you’re very capable of standing on your own two feet. But when I try to be nice to you, you bitch at me and when I’m smart with you, you cry. So I’m caught up in the middle, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do and what’s the right thing to say to you.”
Autumn pulled away from him. “I’m tired of talking. I need to get away from here.”
She stood and the world spun. She reached out for Jackson just as warm liquid ran down her leg. He questioned her, but his voice sounded so far away. Autumn closed her eyes and gave into the darkness.
* * * *
Jackson paced the hospital floors until the doctor came out for an update. Autumn came in with uterine bleeding and after an examination, the doctors diagnosed her as having a miscarriage. He sank into one of the nearby chairs with Kristin at his side, rubbing his back comfortingly. Davis called the Major and Nick, to let them know what was going on. Both said they’d come home as soon as possible.
It was around eight that night before Jackson could go in and see her. They wanted to keep her overnight for observation, a precautionary measure her doctor explained. He promised that if all went well throughout the night, she’d be released in the morning.
Autumn curled up on her side in the bed watching a comedy on the television. She didn’t see him enter the room. He walked to the bed. “How are you feeling?”
She shifted slightly, though she still didn’t look at him. “I’m cramping. The doctors said it’d last a while longer so I have to just tough it out.”
He pulled a chair to the bedside giving Autumn the space he assumed she needed. “Davis called your father and Nick. They said they’d be here as soon as they could.”
“I don’t need them here.” Autumn shifted again and sucked in a breath. Jackson watched her hand go to her stomach, her eyes closing as tears slid down her cheeks.
He pulled his windbreaker off, each of her sobs killing him slowly as she lay there in pain. He climbed in bed beside her, careful not to hurt her. She buried her face in the pillow as her body shuddered, the sound of her cries muffled. Jackson rubbed his hand the length of her arm. He waited for her to calm down, literally stopping in exhaustion. Eyes closed, she laid her head on the pillow she hugged.
“I want to stay all night with you.” Jackson kissed her shoulder. “But if you want me to leave I will. I really want to stay with you, though.”
Autumn didn’t say anything. She reached behind her and grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled it around her stomach. She laced her fingers with his and hugged his arm against her.
“I don’t want you to go.” She kissed his knuckles tears falling to wet his skin. “I love you, Jackson. I don’t want you to leave me.”
Jackson laid his cheek against her, pressing a kiss to her neck. “Rest, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
* * * *
Autumn was discharged from the hospital early the next morning, and Jackson immediately carried her home. For the sake of her sanity, he asked Jeffery if he’d leave. He promised to keep them updated and requested he keep his father and brother updated as well. Davis kept his distance, working with the police on behalf of Autumn and helping when necessary.
Ever since Jackson put her in bed, she slept. He held her when she cried and convinced her to eat a little bit of food. The doctor explained her grief over the baby, and that it would take some time to heal emotionally. He also explained Jackson’s need to be there for her.
“I was suppose to meet with the detective today,” Autumn mumbled, waking up for the third time that day.
“I sent Davis. Don’t worry about it.” He rubbed her back, wanting to pull her closer to him for protection if nothing else.
“I’d really like to take a shower.” She pulled away. “I’m okay if you have something else you need to do.”
He brushed her hair from her face. “Trying to get rid of me again?”
She gave him a sad smile. “No. I just want to be by myself for a little bit.”
He watched her gather her clothes, a new set of pajamas, and walk slowly into the bathroom. After he was satisfied she was okay, he left the bedroom in search of something to eat. He wasn’t really hungry, but his stomach ached and he felt weak. He needed some energy and nourishment to keep going.
“Hey. How is she?” Davis stood in the kitchen, smearing Miracle Whip on two slices of bread.
“She’s Autumn. Buries everything deep inside until she explodes with emotion.” He took a seat at the bar watching Davis pile turkey lunch meat on the bread. “She hasn’t talked about it yet. She just cries, which the doctor said was part of the grieving process.”
He grabbed Davis’ sandwich and started eating. Davis didn’t seem to mind, grabbing two more slices of bread and lunch meat to fix another. “What about you, Jack? Are you doing okay?”
He chewed slowly. “I’m fine.”
Davis cleaned up his mess. “You’re allowed to grieve too you know. It was your baby.”
Jackson stared at his sandwich. “I don’t know what to feel.”
“Have you told her you love her yet?”
Jackson shook his head.
“Why not?”
“It’s harder than you think,” Jackson said.
“Don’t push her away, Jack. Withholding that kind of info, including your past, is keeping her at a distance from you. You need to tell her everything.”
He hadn’t told but two people what happened twenty years ago, and Autumn sure didn’t need that info to worry about on top of everything else. He and Davis finished eating in silence. Davis knew everything about Jackson’s past, as did the Major. Both in a sense helped him with the pain.
Autumn came out freshly showered and dressed in her pajamas. Jackson opened his arms to her and pulled her onto his lap while he finished eating.
“I love you.” He kissed her lips and wrapped his arm around her back, resting his hand on her thigh. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”
She shook her head, tears forming again. “Do you mean it?”
“Yes. I love you, Autumn.”
She hugged him to her, pressing her face against his neck. Jackson met Davis’s eyes. His friend grabbed his sandwich and pointed toward the hallway where he disappeared a few seconds later.
“You have no idea what that means to me, to hear you say those words.” Tears streaking her cheeks, she smiled and kissed him. “I love you so much.”
Jackson’s heart broke every time he looked into her eyes. “We need to talk about it, Autumn. We need to talk about losing the baby.”
She stiffened. “What’s there to talk about? I was pregnant and didn’t even know it. How can you grieve for something you didn’t even know you had?”
He glanced down. “I’m grieving. Trust me, I never pictured myself as a father, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting them to say you miscarried. That was my baby inside you. Even if it was so small we couldn’t see it, it was a part of me and you and I’m grieving the loss of that.”
Autumn withdrew from him and went to the kitchen, snatching a bag of Cheetos with a shaky hand. “It wasn’t my first miscarriage.”
Jackson stared at the back of her head. “What?”
“I was pregnant four years ago. I made it to the eleventh week and then I miscarried.”
“Did you tell anyone?”
“No. I didn’t show and I didn’t bother to share the info.” She leaned against the counter. “Frank was an ass, and I felt so bad because I was relieved I wouldn’t be having a child with him.”
Jackson watched her every move letting her sudden bout of information sink into his brain. She was going to have a kid with Gallagher. She miscarried. As wrong as it sounded, he was relived too even though he had no right to be.
“You went through it alone?”
She nodded. “I stayed home a couple days. I told Summer that I had a heavy period and that my doctor wanted me off my feet to see if it would lighten up. After that, I went back to work as if nothing happened.”
Jackson propped his arms on the counter before him. “It’s okay to not want a baby. It’s not your fault you miscarried, Autumn.”
She leaned her head against the refrigerator. “I know that. It’s just, I wanted a baby with you.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her they would try again. But while she was being examined, he read the pamphlets the doctors gave him and found out that wasn’t the best way to go about helping her through this. He was at a loss for words.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in this position.” She shook her head and resumed eating her Cheetos.
“What position?”
“I’m not making any sense.” She rubbed her forehead with her fingers. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to give me another child because I miscarried the one we didn’t know about. I didn’t plan on it, but it was there evidently. What I’m trying to say is I’ve always wanted you. And I’ve always pictured you as the person I had children with. That’s what I meant when I said I wanted a baby with you. I love you, and I want to share that with you one day.”
Jackson stood to throw away his trash. “Did you name the other baby?”
Autumn glanced down at the floor. “No. I wanted it to be a forgotten memory.”
“And you’re beating yourself up about it, aren’t you?”
“I can’t change how I feel no matter how much I want to.” When she lifted her head, tears rolled down her cheeks.
Jackson’s chest ached at the sight of her crying. Where were the damn pamphlets on this? “It’s okay, Autumn.” He pulled her to him. “You weren’t ready for a child and that’s okay.”
“It still hurts.”
They held each other until he finally picked her up in his arms and carried her back to the bedroom. He tucked the blankets around her and stood back to strip himself of his clothing, leaving his boxers on. Then, he crawled in bed and wrapped his arms around her again, his head resting against her stomach.
“I’m sorry I’ve cried on you all day. I know how much you hate tears.” Autumn’s fingers combed through his hair. “I’m also sorry I keep picking fights with you.”
“It’s okay to cry. Cry as much as you need to. I’m right here ready to hold you tight and kiss away your tears.” Jackson pressed his lips against her stomach. “And forget about all the other shit. It’s all in the past.”
“It just seems like my life is crashing down before me, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve never played the pity party, but I really want a break. Just one day that is perfect, where nothing goes wrong.”
Jackson lifted his head and looked up at her. “Tomorrow will be our day. Whatever you want to do, okay.”
Autumn brushed her thumb across his cheek. “Can we name the baby? I mean I know it sounds corny, but I think the least the little life deserves is a name.”
“What name did you have in mind?”
“My mom bought me a doll when I was seven and I named her Peyton Reilly. I played with her constantly to the point that Peyton Reilly became part of the Callahan family.” She smiled. “It’s a unisex name so it would fit either a girl or boy.”
“Peyton Reilly, it is.”
“Do you want children, Jackson?”
He sat up and grabbed a pillow to prop himself up with. “I don’t know how to be a father. I’m afraid I’ll screw up since I didn’t exactly have the best example.”
“I think you’ll make a great father.”
Jackson recalled his past in a flashback. His mother screaming, his father repeating horrible names. The beatings. “There’s a lot you don’t know, Autumn. A lot I don’t talk about with anyone.”
“Tell me.” She ran her hand along his chest. “Trust me with your story.”
Jackson shook his head. He couldn’t do it. Not after all they’ve been through in the past twenty-four hours. “I’ve dealt with enough emotions today. I really don’t want to talk about my past.”
Autumn gazed at him, drawing circles around his navel with her finger. “Are you sure? It might help with some of the pain you’re going through if you talk about it. I’ve got two shoulders for you to cry on, or a pillow you can punch.”
He smiled. “I haven’t cried since I was nine.”
She rolled to her side, propping her head up on her hand. “Maybe it’s time you did then.” She kissed his chest. “It’s okay to cry. You can cry as much as you need to because I’m right here ready to hold you tight and kiss your tears away.”
Autumn rested her chin against his chest. He looked down at her. She was beautiful in his eyes. Her face was free of makeup, a rare feature itself. She stared up at him with deep blue eyes that mesmerized him each and every time he looked into them. He wasn’t kidding about getting lost in their depths. He lifted her chin and pressed a kiss to her lips.
“I’ll take you up on that some other time.”
They spent the rest of the night talking about his life over the years. Not his past or his parents but his missions and his achievements as a soldier. He told her about the trip to the Amazon and about the rebuilding effort going on in Africa. They spent hours talking about the summer they spent together and the fun things that happened. Autumn started to smile again, and that was the only thing he wanted. He hadn’t seen that smile in several days and missed it.
Finally, when she decided they should go to sleep it was well past three in the morning. She flipped off all the lights and crawled between Jackson’s legs to lay her head on his stomach. They were silent for a while, nothing but the sound of cicadas singing outside her bedroom window. The moonlight cast a glow of light inside her room. Soon the sun would be rising and their perfect day would begin.
“Jackson?”
“Yeah?”
“Everything will work out won’t it?”
He smoothed a hand over her hair. “Yes. Everything will work out. I promise you, so don’t worry about it.”