It had been a day from hell. After the Dodo incident, several farmers called in with sick cattle—something Autumn didn’t normally attend to. She didn’t pass up the opportunity to keep her clients happy and allowed Summer to man the office while they headed to the rural farm area nearly thirty minutes outside of town.
And when they got there, it wasn’t only the cattle that was sick. Pigs. Goats. Sheep. Everything in sight had gotten into some tainted feed, and it was her responsibility to treat them all. Jackson, however, was willing to help. He wasn’t sure she would have made it without him.
“Okay, I’m taking a long bath, then curling up in front of the TV with a hot movie and nice steaming box of take-out pizza.” Autumn threw her purse down in the foyer and kicked off her shoes. “What are you doing?”
Jackson smiled. “Shower.”
Not only had the day been hell in the sense of him working his ass off, his libido rocketed sky high every time he came near Autumn. Even in her pink scrubs all covered with mud. He couldn’t help chuckling at the irony of it.
“Please don’t use all the hot water.” She pulled her shirt up exposing the flat expanse of her belly and knotted the garment at the small of her back.
Jackson’s gaze roamed her bare midriff. “Hadn’t planned on taking a hot shower.”
Autumn turned, meeting his eyes.
“What? I’m not hiding it, sweetheart. I’ve been hot for you all day.”
“Jackson, don’t.”
“Don’t what? I’m not doing anything.” He stood with his hands on his hips. His cock pressed against the fly of his pants and he didn’t bother adjusting himself. Nothing but Autumn would make the ache go away, and he wasn’t even sure after he had her it would go away completely.
“Yes you are, Jackson.” She brushed a blond strand from her face. “We work well together. Why do you have to make things complicated with statements like that?”
He kicked off his shoes all but moaning as his sock feet hit the soft carpet. “Statements like what? I want you? I’m horny, you’re hot. Enough said.”
“Don’t tempt me.” She glanced away.
“Why?”
“I can’t handle being used again.” She met his eyes, a hint of moisture shining in the fading light.
Please don’t cry. His stomach tightened.
“It’s all anyone has done to me in my life. First by you, and then…then…”
“Who?”
“No one.”
Jackson stepped forward and pulled her toward him. “Tell me. Who else made you feel like shit?”
Maybe if she opened up about her past, they’d find the stupid idiot who was threatening her and be done with the case. Truth be told, he couldn’t stand seeing her scared any longer. She put on a brave face for her audience, but he saw behind her mask. She was scared of something, and he wanted to know who or what.
“Frank . . . Gallagher.”
“The pompous nitwit?”
She nodded, staring at her toes.
Jackson rubbed her arms debating whether to ask her the question that crossed his mind or leave sleeping dogs lie. In the end, he decided to ask her. “What’s the history there? Did you fuck him?”
“We went to school together, and I stupidly thought he’d help me open my clinic and we’d be partners. Anyway, we partied, got drunk, and spent the night together.”
Jackson didn’t understand his sudden rage of jealousy. It hit him like a ton of bricks as he pictured some pompous nitwit putting his hands all over Autumn.
His grip tightened on her wrist. “Do you think he’s doing this to you?”
“I don’t know. He’s not going to scare me, though.”
“You don’t have to play tough with me.” He pulled her into his arms. “I know you, Autumn. And I know trust is an issue between us, but I’m here for you.”
“Jackson, you don’t get to say stuff like that to me.” She pulled back, though she stayed looped in his arms. “You’re not someone I’m allowed to trust, and you’re only here for me because my father is paying you a big fat check.”
He opened his mouth to protest.
She held up a hand. “Don’t say he’s not. I know my father, and he’ll do anything to protect his family, at any cost. He only hires the best and pays them damn good money.”
Jackson wasn’t about to go into the details with her. It was true. The Major offered him a large amount of money, but that wasn’t the reason he took the job.
“You must trust me a little bit. I live in your home. I’m with you twenty-four-seven.” He locked his fingers at the small of her back. “You’re in my arms.”
“Jackson, it’s not fair,” she groaned. “You know my terms and conditions.”
“Is that so?” He leaned down and pressed his lips against her neck. “For some reason, I don’t think you truly mean half the stuff you say to me.
He darted out his tongue to taste her pulse point. She gripped his shoulders to keep her balance while he explored her. His hands cupped her behind and held her against his hardening cock while he kissed her neck.
“You never allow yourself to indulge in what you want, Autumn.” He kissed his way up her neck to her cheek. “What do you truly want?”
She sucked in a breath and met his eyes. “I want you, Jax.” The pet name came out as if no time had passed between them. “It’s never been in question, but I can’t handle it without strings. I can’t sleep with you knowing you’ll walk out that door and never look back.”
“I think your chatter is just your way of trying to convince yourself you’re better off alone and miserable than worthy of sharing your life with someone.” Jackson didn’t know where that statement came from and almost regretted it the moment it left his tongue. People like him didn’t “share” their life with anyone.
“Are you that guy, Jax? The one someone like me could share her life with? I still have feelings for you. I can’t stand here and listen to your empty promises when in the end I know you’ll only hurt me deeply like the last time. I may have been young and stupid, and totally came off the wrong way about everything, but I hated to tell you good-bye.”
Jackson stared at her. “You have feelings for me?”
“Yes, Jax. I don’t want to, but I do.” Her hands slid down his chest. “It sucks, you know. I thought I got over you, that I moved on, yet here I am repeating history as if I’m still that same eighteen-year-old girl. How pathetic of me.”
She pulled away from him and turned toward the hallway. “I’m going to take my bath.”
He wanted to give her what she needed but knew that kind of commitment wasn’t within his ability. How the Major married Faye and made it last was something Jackson didn’t understand. Everyone else in their department was single. Marriage not only made it difficult for the families to see their loved ones leave in the special ops, but it took away from the job. He huffed a breath and rubbed the back of his neck listening to the soft sound of water filling the bathtub.
Autumn’s image popped into his mind, her sleek body sinking into the warm scented water, with the intention of letting the bubbles relax her. He took a few deep breaths to clear his thoughts and continued down the hall to the shower.
He wanted to be the kind of guy that Autumn wanted because she deserved no less from the man she chose to be with. Although he was stupid as a kid and denied her once, he saw today the beautiful woman she had become. Smart, independent, and confident—qualities she undoubtedly developed due to the hardships in her life. She was also damn good at her job. He would have been scared shitless—was scared shitless—if he’d had to confront a sadistic dog that could potentially harm children. But she handled it like the pro she was, getting Dodo to settle down so the kids would be safe and she could take care of the gash on the dog’s neck. For that alone, he admired her.
Jackson turned the shower on full blast and stripped off his muddy clothes. He had to admit, though, that the day was rough and tiring, he did have fun. He’d never wrangled a pig before, and got messy doing it, but Autumn had laughed, and that it worthwhile. He couldn’t stop picturing her beautiful smile because it hadn’t come often since he’d been here. In all honesty, he guessed she really didn’t have much to smile about.
After taking his shower, Jackson pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and settled on the sofa with the remote in his hand. Autumn wanted a commitment. Strings. While all that was nice, it was impossible for him. She wanted and deserved to have someone to come home to. Someone who would be there for her and support her no matter what. He couldn’t possibly give her that.
For as long as he recalled, he dropped everything for the job and stayed until it was completed—which could be months at a time. He rescued women from the Amazon. He helped rescue royalty. He was a part of killing a group of terrorists threatening to harm him, his team, and, ultimately, his country. The Major was there the entire time and knew what all he took on over the years. How could one possibly be a husband, father, and soldier all at the same time? Just thinking about it, Jackson knew it was beyond him to understand.
He flipped through the channels uninterested in the current programs. TV just didn’t have the same appeal to him like it did in his twenties. He’d been working for so long, most of which he’d gone days without basic necessities, much less luxuries like television.
His stomach growled loudly. Food sounded great since both he and Autumn missed lunch today. He clicked the TV off and tossed the remote to the side.
“I’m starving. What kind of pizza do you want?” Autumn came in the living room in a terry wrap with her hair pulled high on her head. “I like plain cheese, but if you’re anything like my brothers, you’ll want a pizza with everything on it.”
“Plain cheese is fine.” He watched her grab the phone and punch in numbers. After placing the order, she smiled and sat the phone on the coffee table. “Now that’s taken care of, what movie do you want to watch?”
She moved to the DVD rack and sorted through her movies. “You probably won’t want to watch something romantic, and honestly, I’m not in the mood for love right now. So we’ve got thrillers or comedies.”
“Comedy.” Jackson watched her while she named off movies in that genre. Did she really think he cared what movie they watched? He was ready to crash as it was so anything short of gut-busting laughter would only put him to sleep.
She called out a title, and he agreed. After she popped in Bulletproof, set everything up and handed him the remote.
“Can I ask you something?” Jackson asked.
“Shoot.”
“Do you really see me as a callous, heartless bastard that used you for sex and left you high and dry on your own?”
She stared at him, hands on her hips. “Well, you did use me for sex. You callously told me I was special to you and then informed me you said that to all the girls you fuck. And then you practically fucked a girl on your front porch before I even started my car and left the driveway.”
“I was a bastard. Still am, I guess.” Jackson huffed a breath. “I know an apology probably won’t account for much, but I am sorry.”
“It actually means more than you know.” She patted his thigh with her hand. “You’re a good guy, Jackson. My father wouldn’t put his trust in you if you weren’t.”
“What about you? Do you trust me?”
“With my life, yes. With my heart, no.”
He decided to leave it at that. He didn’t want to make things anymore awkward then they already were.
The pizza came, and Jackson paid for it. He and Autumn gathered around the coffee table in their pajamas and finished watching the comedy enjoying their food and ultimately each other’s company.
“So, you know what I’ve done over the years. What have you been up to?” Autumn licked her finger and glanced over at Jackson.
Jackson smiled. “I’m pretty sure it’s nothing you want to know about.”
Autumn’s face went blank as she stared at him.
Jackson quickly caught on and added, “I wasn’t talking about sex. I meant my life is boring.”
Autumn gave a nervous chuckle. “I hardly doubt your life is boring.”
In many ways, Jackson and Autumn were alike. Brought up in two vastly opposite worlds, they both strived to make something of themselves and resulted in fighting a one man battle against the world. Neither really planned it that way, he supposed, but it was one of life’s curveballs that came blasting by. It was either hit or miss, and both chose to keep swinging.
“Well, when I’m not on assignment, I’m at the base with your brother. Davis tends to make things interesting, to say the least, but training a group of cadets while our commanding officers are away isn’t exactly my dream job.”
“Have you always wanted to be in the military? I mean, I think my dad said you entered when you turned eighteen.” Autumn threw her napkin on the coffee table next to her plate. “I know with my brothers it wasn’t really an option. I think my dad would have let them do whatever they wanted to, but it was sort of mandatory they take basic training and serve at least a couple years. We’re your parent’s that strict with you?”
Jackson fidgeted. “Nope. The military was my only option of a semidecent life. My parents really didn’t care what I did.”
It was around nine when they decided to turn in. Autumn cleaned up the mess they made while Jackson secured all the doors and turned off all the lights. As a precaution, he checked the windows, satisfied that they, too, were bolted and tightly locked.
“Have you talked to my dad?” Autumn flicked the lights off in the kitchen.
“Nope. He’s in Africa and satellite phones don’t always work.”
The look on her face was almost disappointment. He didn’t know much about the Major’s personal life, yet everyone and their brother knew his love for his only daughter, a daughter who supposedly resembled her mother down to the very stubbornness that had started to grow on him.
“Good night, Jax.”
Without waiting for a reply, Autumn slipped inside her room and closed the door. She wanted love first and foremost. Aside from commitment, he’d never understood the concept of what love truly meant. Sex and pleasure, he could write a book on, but love was a whole other playing field, one he wasn’t sure he belonged on. Jackson sighed and walked to his room. There has to be some way around it. If only he knew what that was.