Destiny

“And he said he’d take me out there to teach me how to ride the horses. Isn’t that cool, mom?”

If there was ever a time I wished I was more than a one-drink at dinner at a restaurant only kind of drinker, it was definitely that moment.

“Yeah, honey. That’s great. I learned how to ride on Gray out there.”

“You can ride horses?”

I didn’t know whether to scream, cry, or laugh. For the last twenty minutes, after I’d convinced Toby to go shower, he’d talked non-stop about the time he spent playing ball with Jordan.

He was enamored with that man, and I couldn’t blame him. There’d been something so beautiful, so sweet and perfect about sitting on the porch, dinking around on my computer, watching father and son play ball and laugh together.

For the millionth time, I regretted my choices and wished I could take them all back.

None of that mattered though, because Jordan definitely hated me, even if he didn’t think he could. We would never be that sweet, fun family unit we’d always talked about creating. I’d burned my chance of that.

“I can ride. Jordan and I used to go out on them at least once a week. Gray has to be old now.”

“He said they have goats, too, and the kids like chasing them. Said you and I could go out there some time.”

The goats must have been new. All they had all those years ago were cattle and horses.

Animals were the least of my worries. Rebecca and I were oil and vinegar. I’d make it work if she did though, for my kid’s sake. I doubted we’d be able to manage it.

“Rebecca has kids?” I asked. That icy feeling slid down my spine. In all my years away, I’d never even considered the possibility of keeping him from cousins. Or Jordan’s parents.

Shit. They were going to want to kill me.

“No,” Toby said and then his jaw dropped. “I don’t know whose kids he was talking about. Oh! I forgot! She’s marrying Cooper Hawke! You know…that guy you love in movies?”

Cooper Hawke? He was a famous actor and Toby wasn’t wrong. The man was gorgeous from head to toe. I was definitely a fan of his movies, especially the ones where he didn’t wear a shirt…and there were lots of those. But him? Living in Kansas? “No way.”

“Yes way. Jordan said. He lives here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. He said they’re getting married in a few weeks.”

I hadn’t seen my son grin so much or talk so fast in days. An hour alone with Jordan and my sullen pre-teen had been replaced with the kid he was before Tillie’s funeral.

Coming back here was going to end up being the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, especially if I stayed longer. But it could end up being the best thing to happen for Toby.

Allison had been right earlier, much like she always was. He needed this.

“Hey, before Jordan gets back, I want to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” That grin fell into a straight line.

“I talked to Allison earlier today. She and I talked about maybe if you’re okay with it, I could work from here for a while. Give you some time with…your dad.” Calling Jordan to Toby felt like there was a distance there I needed to bridge. But I hadn’t used that word much and it tripped over my tongue.

“How long? Like, leave home?”

I shook my head. “No. We’ll be back for school. I meant the rest of the month.”

“What about after?” Uncertainty clouded his features. I’d effectively erased all his happiness. Awesome. “Like when we do go back? Will I see him again?”

“Yes.” I reached out and grabbed him, pulled him to me with my hands on his shoulders. Crouching down so we were at eye level, I showed him how serious I was. “We’ll talk about that. We’ll work it out. But you want your dad in your life, and it’s the best thing for all of us, I swear to you, you’ll be able to see him.”

“Texas is a long ways away.”

“And we have time to work this out, okay? It might not be perfect. It might not be exactly what we all want, but you will have him in your life. He wants that too. But for now, you take all the time you want to spend with him, okay?”

He bit his cheek and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay.” I grinned, kissed his forehead and stood as my phone rang. “How about you go watch for him? I’m sure he’ll be here soon. I gotta take this call.”

I saw Paul’s name on the screen as I grabbed it, and answered. “Hey, Paul,” I said, trying to sound happy. My kid was in emotional crisis, my life suddenly in upheaval, and Paul, as sweet as he was being worried about us was not someone I wanted to talk to about any of it. “Sorry I didn’t call you back earlier. How was your day?”

“That’s what I was calling to find out from you, sweetheart. You and Toby okay?”

We were a living, breathing, mess. “Um. Yeah. It’s been hard, but we’re okay.”

“And the funeral? Still wish you would have let me be there for you.”

He was such a good man. I could hear the longing in his voice to be there for us, to be that man I needed to lean on in the hard times ringing clear in his voice. But he was never going to be that, and as much as I wanted to make that clear to him, this wasn’t the time, either. “I know. But it was sweet, and she had lots of people who loved her.”

They’d just hated me. It was all going to get so much worse, too.

“I loved her too,” he said. “Good lady. So how’s the packing going?”

“Slow,” I said, drawing out the word. Good grief. How did I tell him any of this? “Listen, Paul. We, well we have to talk, but now’s not the best time.”

“Talk? Did something happen? What is it?”

“Well—”

“Mom he’s here! And he has a huge box! Holy cow!” Toby started shouting, but then I lost him because the front door slammed closed.

“Was that Toby?” Paul asked in my ear. “Can I see how he’s doing?”

Think!

“Honey,” I said, shaking like a leaf. I couldn’t talk to him now. Not with Toby screaming and Jordan outside. I’d do it. Tomorrow. “Listen, Paul, we have some company and now’s not the best time, but we’ll talk, tomorrow okay? There are things I have to tell you.”

“Tomorrow,” he said, and I swore I almost heard a smile in his voice. “We’ll talk then. I love you, Janey.”

I cringed at his confession. I’d only broken up with him a few weeks ago and while I appreciated him wanting to be around for Toby, he had to realize I wasn’t going back to him. Plus there was the name. It’d taken me years to get used to people calling me by my middle name. Back then, I never wanted to hear Destiny again. But Jordan had been calling me that for days and anytime he said the word, it catapulted me back to when he didn’t look at me like he wanted to strangle me.

“Mom! You’ll never guess what Jordan bought!” Toby’s screechy shout made my heart race.

“I gotta go,” I said, hanging up, and setting the phone down on the counter, gripping it until my knuckles ached. Tears swarmed, and my emotions raced.

One problem at a time.

“Mom,” Toby said, my name a huge breath as he exhaled and slid into the kitchen. “Jordan bought me a basketball hoop! He says we can set it up in the morning. Isn’t that cool?”

He was bouncing on the balls of his feet. His blue eyes were so big they risked popping out of his sockets.

I was still reeling from Paul and my feelings toward him and what a huge screaming sucky bitch I was it took me a minute to respond and by then, Jordan was in the doorway.

“Hope that’s okay,” he said, but he was grinning at Toby, and God, who could fault him for wanting to spoil him with something he’d love so much.

“It’s fine,” I replied and loosened my clutch on the phone. “It’s great.” I forced a smile for Toby’s benefit. “Can’t have him breaking the siding or denting the garage door.”

“Yeah. I was going for practical with my thinking.” There was a slight teasing tone in his voice and my eyes rolled back in my head. I was being an idiot.

I turned to Toby. “Paul says hi. He misses you.”

His smile wavered. “Yeah? You tell him we’re staying here?”

Out of the corner of my eye, Jordan’s arms crossed over his chest. I didn’t need to look at him to feel the pulse of anger rolling off him. “I’ll tell him tomorrow. Now, wasn’t there some guy’s gaming night planned?”

Jordan rested his hand on Toby’s shoulder. “Do you know how to get it set up? Plugged in and ready?”

“Yeah.” His eyes darted back and forth between Jordan and me. “I can do it.”

“Go on. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Toby’s lip slid between his teeth and he looked at me uncertainly.

I tilted my head toward the living room. “Go, kiddo. It’s okay.”

He left, and as soon as Jordan watched him disappear, he came to me, moving slowly.

But God. He was beautiful. His face was wrecked with the emotion of the last twenty-four hours, but that did nothing to diminish the beauty of him.

“Toby told me your sister’s getting married. To Cooper Hawke?”

He must have caught the awe in my tone because he smirked. “Yeah. Crazy, long ass story I’ll tell you about another night.”

“Your parents must be thrilled.”

That smirk diminished. “Um. No. They died, both of them a few years back. Another long story I’ll tell you about another night.”

“Oh God.” My hand went to my chest. I knew that pain. He’d always been close to his parents. Their whole family was. “I’m so—”

“Sorry. Yeah, I know. Everyone was. Rebecca and I are good now, though. She runs the ranch.”

My grin relaxed. “Like she always wanted. Good she has that.”

“It’s good she’s finally got something good in her life, definitely.”

I frowned at the odd statement and decided to leave all the heavy for another night like he suggested. I’d had my fill of it.

He was at the counter now, one hand on it, eyes down at my phone and then he lifted his head. “I thought you said it was over with you and that guy, Des.”

I’d told him it wasn’t any of business. Still wasn’t. But his brows were creased in that way he had when he was worried, at least that’s the look he used to have when he was worried.

“Jane,” I clipped before I could stop it.

Des. It was too beautiful off his full lips. It was too familiar.

It must have been all of that combined that possessed me to continue. “He’s important to Toby. He’s the only man I brought into his life and they’re close. And he wanted it to be more serious, I just…after Tillie’s death, I realized he wouldn’t be that for me.” I looked at my phone. The sweetness in Paul’s voice along with telling me he loved me. “I think he misses Toby. Maybe he’s having a hard time letting go.”

That worried frown on his face lightened and my heart thumped a wild beat.

It had always been Jordan for me. Always. Paul wasn’t just the only man I’d brought into Toby’s life, he was the only man I’d had since Jordan. It’d taken years to move on enough to even consider dating again and then it’d taken longer to find a guy I thought would be decent enough to my son.

This. Jordan in front of me. Looking so nice, not shouting at me or scowling or clenching his fists because he was so pissed at me.

It threatened to unravel me.

He turned away from me and pushed off the counter. “Got some guy time to catch up on. You going to hang with us?”

“I don’t have to. If you want time alone—”

“We’re shooting fake guns and probably going to be shouting down the house. Not having heartfelt conversations. I was wondering if you had plans.”

I laughed a little at that. “Right. Because I have so many friends here to reconnect with.”

It was a cheap shot. A bitchy one I regretted as soon as it left my lips. It brought back that scowl to Jordan’s face, but it wasn’t at me. He knew. He knew how horrible everyone was to me regardless of how much he tried to protect me from it. Hell, he had to have heard it at the funeral, too.

“Right,” he muttered. “Got people to shoot with my boy.”

Something hazy flashed in his eyes and he turned to me, worrying his lip and I braced for whatever was about to come. “I’m still pissed. Not gonna lie about that, and I said this morning I’ll try to get past that for Toby’s sake. But I also want you to know, I don’t want that for Toby. I don’t want it for us. No good seeing his mom and dad shouting all the time. I might fuck that up, but I want you to know I’m trying. Half the shit I’ve said to you…I’ll do my best to check my anger and see if we can find something good for him.”

He spun and hurried out of the small kitchen, and it was a damn good thing I’d braced before he spoke.

Because if I hadn’t, with the way my pulse rioted inside me and my knees wobbled, I most definitely would have collapsed.

* * *

Jordan’s eyes were glued to the stairway I’d just walked down after putting Toby to bed. “I told you he’d like you,” I said to him.

It was well after eleven, and I’d finally called an end to game night when Toby kept yawning. He hadn’t whined much, but he had hesitantly gone to Jordan and thrown his arms around for him a quick hug before taking my hand and dragging me up the stairs.

They’d spent hours playing, shouting back and forth with the occasional high-five and constant laughing. I’d alternated my time between cleaning the kitchen and packing a few boxes to pretending to read a book from Tillie’s bookshelf. More than once I yanked out my phone and snapped a photo of them grinning at each other.

It had felt good. Normal. It had almost felt like this was always the way it was supposed to be, Jordan and me, together, hanging with our kid. It was all the things I’d never been brave enough to think of. Instead, I justified my decision. I let shit that didn’t matter get in the way of the only thing that at that time, should have. Jordan being in his son’s life. I had a lifetime of mistakes to make up for, and sitting in the living room, watching them play video games together was barely a drop in the bucket.

Now with Toby in bed and me heading to the living room where Jordan and I were supposed to do more talking, I was clueless on how to begin repairing what I’d destroyed.

“He’s a good kid,” Jordan said. His hands slid into the pockets of his jeans. “You’ve done good with him.”

The compliment sent a searing, burst of pain to my chest. I fought back tears. I’d cried enough in the last forty-eight hours. Breaking down every time I received a compliment or nice word from Jordan wouldn’t help.

“You said you don’t keep beer in the house, but I brought some with me earlier and left it in the truck. Do you mind if I have one?”

“No.” I wished I had some wine. One glass to soothe all my nerves.

“I picked up wine, too. Didn’t know if you drank anything…”

After all these years, he could still read my mind. “Not much, but yeah, I think I would like some.”

He walked past me to the front door and I moved to the kitchen. I had no idea if Tillie had a bottle opener or a corkscrew, so I was still digging through drawers, coming up empty when Jordan returned.

He went right to the fridge, slid all but one beer into it and touched his hand to the side of the fridge and pulled out a bottle opener.

“That explains why I couldn’t find one.”

“First time I showed up with beer, Tillie didn’t have one. Next time I came by she’d bought this magnetic one and had it on the fridge for me.”

That was Tillie. Always taking care of people.

“How was she?” I asked as he opened his beer. “Did you see her?”

He took a long drink of his beer before carrying the wine bottle to me. He went to a cupboard above the microwave, moved some things around, and came out with a wine opener. Damn. He knew his way around this house better than I did.

“Saw her a couple days before. Knew she was getting sick. Knew she was getting old, but she wasn’t that old. I don’t even know if she ever went to the doctor. If she did, I didn’t know about it and people knew I was coming here, Des. They would have said something. It was strange, really.”

“She knew I would have come back,” I said, watching as he grabbed a wineglass from the same cupboard, opened the wine, poured it, and set it on the counter. Red wasn’t normally my thing, but I took it anyway. “Damn it. She hid it from me. And I know it was because she was protecting me.”

I was talking more to myself, but Jordan still asked, “Protecting you from what? Me?”

“Probably you hating me. She’d always had my back with this, and I’m not saying it’s okay Jordan, but she’d even suggested I leave. And I listened. Maybe she didn’t want both of us hating her, but I didn’t know you were so close to her either. She never mentioned it. She never showed any regret and somehow, even when I wondered if I’d done the right thing, I stayed gone because she always made it seem like the right thing. But a few months ago, and last summer, she started talking. Doubting.”

I stopped talking. A storm was brewing in his stance and his expression and we’d had enough of that.

He took another drink of his beer. “Last time I saw her she told me to forgive you. Had no idea what she was talking about but obviously now it makes sense.”

“I know it’s soon. I know it’s stupid of me to ask, but…”

“Don’t.” It came out harsh and firm and so quick my mouth snapped shut. “Don’t ask that. Can’t give you that and I have no idea. Don’t force me to make that decision. Okay?”

I picked up my glass of wine and started walking toward the living room, figuring he’d follow me. But I had to put my back to him.

It felt like every time he spoke, another dagger of regret was shoved into my heart.

I couldn’t lose it in front of him every time he hurt me. I deserved so much of it.