Alexei was furious with himself.

He never should have kissed her. Never should have lost control. Now, she’d be well within her rights to hate him, and never want to talk to him again.

But he had to talk to her. Apologise.  Even if she told him, straight to his face, she wanted him out of her life, Alexei would have to agree. He would deserve it. What kind of monster was he? He knew what she’d been through, and he still let himself lose control.

Worst of all, there was a small part of him that didn’t regret it. The part that was consumed by memories of their kiss. Of the feeling of her soft body against his hard one. Of the sounds of pleasure she’d made.

She’d felt so right.

But that didn’t mean what he’d done—taking over the kiss, scaring her like that—was in any way right. She deserved an apology.

He didn’t see her for three days, but he didn’t stop thinking about her. She was in his thoughts now, buried deep. Whatever he did, wherever he went, the ghost of her followed him. Some hand straps were displayed in the window of a sporting store he walked past, rainbow coloured, and he thought she might like them. He bought them, not sure she’d accept the gift.

He’d gone by the diner each night, feeling like the worst kind of stalker, but she hadn’t been there. According to Bob, who he’d spoken to a few times when he’d stopped by to see Evie, she’d taken time off for her exams. Alexei wanted to knock on her door when he heard her through the thin walls of their apartment, moving about. But he worried that would make her feel trapped and unable to escape him. He resolved to wait until they ran into each other in a more public place. They were neighbours, surely it would happen soon enough.

And then, finally, it did. He was coming back from training, aching from the good kind of hurt and looking forward to a shower, when Evie appeared on the stairs above him.

She gasped when they locked eyes, the red flaming her cheeks visible even in the dull light of the entrance. Then, she ducked her head and tried to move past him.

“Evie,” Alexei said, but she didn’t stop. She drew level with him, then continued, and he could feel his chance slipping through his fingers. Not sure what else to do, he grabbed her hand, the most neutral part of her he could think of. She stopped, frozen.

“Evie,” he said again, this time more forcefully.

Slowly, she raised her gaze, travelling from their joined hands, up his arms, and finally meeting his gaze. What she saw there must have released something in her, because she slumped, eyes apologetic.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

His heart cracked at the sound of her so small and helpless. “For what?” he asked.

“For freaking out,” she told him, as if this was obvious. “For treating you like a…” she stopped, hesitating.

“Monster?” he finished with a self-deprecating smile. “I deserved it.” He’d known he’d have to take it slow, let her lead, but he hadn’t listened to his own advice in the heat of the moment. He deeply regretted scaring her, and hated that he might have set back her progress. Their progress.

Her brows pulled down, her expression one of confusion and offense. But at least she no longer looked so lost. “What? No. I was the one that kissed you and then ran away.”

Alexei shook his head. “My fault.”

Evie narrowed her eyes. “We might have to agree to disagree on this one, because I don’t believe that.”

He paused, eyeing her. How could she blame herself?

“Okay. As long as you still talk to me,” he teased her, pleased to see the light had returned to her eyes.

She sighed, a smile curving her face. Relief rolled off her in waves. “I will. I just thought you’d be so mad. I thought you were mad.”

“At myself,” he clarified.

Evie tilted her head. “You’re weirdly perfect about this whole thing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

He raised an eyebrow in question. “That’s not a phrase I know.”

“Oh, it means ‘waiting for something to go wrong’. Like, I’m waiting for you to reveal you’re really a serial killer, or already married, or something.”

Alexei chuckled. “Well, I am neither of those things. So I must be perfect.”

Evie laughed aloud at that. Alexei’s heart flipped dramatically in his chest, like a wrestler diving off the ropes. He liked making her laugh. She’d been through so much, and she deserved it. But he also wanted, needed, to be the one making it happen. He liked the way her eyes softened as she looked at him when the laughter slowly faded. The way she inched closer, a barely perceptible movement.

He still held her hand. He didn’t want to let go, but he squeezed her fingers lightly then slid his hand away.

“I got you a present,” he told her.

Her eyes lit up. “I like presents.”

He smiled, then tilted his head up towards their apartment. “If you have time, I can give it to you now?”

She hesitated for a moment, still cautious, then set her shoulders and nodded resolutely. He let her precede him up the stairs, then let them into his apartment. He saw his mistake the instant he stepped over the threshold. Over her head, his eyes fixated on the place on the floor where they’d kissed, where she’d pressed her body against his, and groaned in pleasure.

His heart thumped. She was inches from him, paused just inside the door like he was. Maybe she, too, was remembering. Maybe she wanted Alexei to act, to pull her smaller body against his and touch her all over until she gasped his name. To push her against the wall and thrust inside her until they both came hard.

His cock thickened at the thought. It would be so easy, so right.

Evie shifted, and it snapped him out of his lustful thoughts. She didn’t want that, didn’t want him. She’d made that clear when she’d run from him. He’d moved too fast and scared her, and there was every chance he’d ruined what had been between them for good. His dirty thoughts around her would not help his chances.

He swallowed, forcibly wrenching himself back under control. He slipped past her, careful not to brush against her in case his cock stood to attention again, and walked over to where he’d stashed the bag from the sporting goods store. He didn’t glance her way, not sure he wanted to know what she thought of him right now. Probably that he was some giant, rutting beast.

He handed her the straps, forcing himself to meet her gaze and smile.

“I didn’t have time to wrap them.”

Her eyes move from his down to the straps he held out to her. Delight lit her face. “Oh, they’re perfect!”

She snatched them out of his hand, then expertly wound them around her knuckles. She flexed her fingers when she was done. “I love them. Thank you.”

She looked up at him again, her gaze soft. Alexei felt strangely proud that he’d successfully found a gift she’d loved, and had given her even a small amount of pleasure.

“You’re welcome,” he replied.

He almost thought she would hug him again, but she obviously thought better of it. Her eyes darted to the place on the floor where they’d kissed. He had to wonder if it was him or herself she didn’t trust.

 

 

“How’d you do on your exams?” Chelsea asked, slipping into the seat across from Evie. Evie almost dropped her coffee over herself in surprise. She’d been so caught up in her own thoughts—of Alexei, mostly—she hadn’t even heard her friend approach in the empty café.

Evie’s cheeks heated in embarrassment. “Okay,” she told her friend.

Chelsea narrowed her eyes. “Only okay? You should have aced them.”

Evie cleared her throat, her friend’s words doing nothing to dispel her embarrassment. “I’ve been a bit distracted lately,” she admitted.

Chelsea’s eyebrows shot up. “Does this have anything to do with that hot neighbour of yours?”

Evie scrunched her face up, then nodded quickly, as if admitting some awkward truth. Chelsea grinned, her gaze a combination of genuine happiness for Evie, and a side of lascivious desire for gossip.

“Do tell,” she said, then took a sip of her coffee, watching Evie over the rim of her takeout cup.

Evie squirmed. “There’s not a lot to tell.” When Chelsea gave her a disbelieving look she spread her arms wide to implore her. “It’s true!”

Chelsea sighed. “Fine, but tell me what has happened. Because you wouldn’t be this distracted if there was nothing between you.”

Evie pursed her lips, trying to hide a smile as the memory of her kiss with Alexei flooded her mind. She’d been mortified at first, of course. But once she’d got over that—especially after his thoughtful gift—she’d been consumed by thoughts of the kiss itself. His skillful mouth. His large hands anchoring her to him. How hot and tight her skin had felt.

Yes, she’d freaked out when he’d rolled her beneath him, and that worried her. But it had mostly been surprise at his sudden action. The way he’d loomed over her so large. The fact she’d felt any desire at all, regardless of how the moment had ended, was a win in itself.

“He’s been teaching me to fight,” Evie told her friend, though the simple words did nothing to truly convey what he’d done for her. He’d given her back her confidence, her sense of self. She no longer imagined anyone following her in the darkness.

“You didn’t tell me,” Chelsea said, pouting dramatically.

“I know. But I didn’t know how it would go. It was just a crazy, spur-of-the-moment scheme.”

Chelsea’s eyes grew mischievous. “So you’re telling me you’ve been getting hot and sweaty, up close and personal, with a super hot guy on the regular?”

Evie squirmed again. “I wouldn’t call him super hot,” she said. At least, she hadn’t always thought so. His face was hard and brutish. But it was also compelling. And when his eyes softened, a thrill went through her every time, clenching low in her gut.

“But you’re attracted to him?” Chelsea pushed.

Evie sighed, giving in. “Yeah,” she breathed dreamily.

Chelsea grinned and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees with her mostly-empty coffee cup dangling between them. “So, have you kissed him?”

“Yeah,” Evie said again.

“And?”

“And it was great.”

Chelsea’s eyes lit up. “That’s great!”

Evie grinned for a moment, then slumped back in her seat. “Well, not exactly.”

Chelsea tilted her head, eyes concerned. “What happened?”

“I, ah…I freaked out. Started having a panic attack. Ran away.” She twisted her coffee cup in her hand, not meeting her friend’s gaze.

“Well, that’s not all that surprising. It was your first kiss since Jimmy, right?”

Evie nodded, tears springing to her eyes at the care and understanding in her friend’s voice.

“And you’ve told me some of the things he’s done. Just kissing this guy would have been really brave.”

Evie let out a choking laugh. Brave. Brave to run away? Not hardly.

But Chelsea wasn’t wrong. Jimmy hadn’t just beaten her. If Evie had hesitated even a moment when Jimmy declared he wanted sex, or if she tried to put him off when he kissed her, he took what he desired from her regardless of what she wanted, whether she consented or not. Sometimes it was clear he wanted it that way, intentionally telling her that he expected sex when he knew she wouldn’t be in the mood. He liked knowing she wasn’t willing.

Sex and violence had been intangibly linked for her for a long time, and she’d struggled to untangle the confused feelings she had with regards to sex.

“Focus on the good parts,” came Chelsea’s voice from the darkness.

Evie forced herself back to the present, blinking away tears that had fallen while she’d been consumed by thoughts of Jimmy.

“This kiss was really nice,” she told her friend in a small voice.

“Do you want to do it again?” Chelsea asked.

Evie thought about it for a moment. Thought about the way she’d been so riveted by the spot on the floor where they’d kissed when she’d returned to Alexei’s apartment. How she couldn’t banish thoughts of him kissing her again. Or the fantasies of him slowly stripping her naked and kissing every inch of her. Of him giving her mindless pleasure, and exorcising all the bad memories.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “But I doubt he’d want to. Not after I ran away.”

She finally met her friend’s gaze. Chelsea gave her a disbelieving look. “Well, if he doesn’t, then he’s not worth your time. Does he know about Jimmy?”

Evie nodded. “Some.”

“Then if he wants you, he’ll just have to learn to be understanding.”

“He is,” Evie told her friend. “He’s been strangely wonderful so far.”

“So what are you worried about?”

Evie considered the question. “I don’t know if I can trust my instincts. Jimmy seemed great at first, too. What if I just want to believe that Alexei is different? He has a violent job, so he’s no stranger to it. And I can’t seem to detect any flaws in him. I don’t think he wants to hurt me, but how can I be sure? And Alexei is much bigger than Jimmy, and could do a lot more damage if it all went wrong.”

Chelsea eyed her for a long moment. Evie held herself still, waiting for judgement from her friend. She sounded crazy and paranoid again, she knew.

Instead, Chelsea gave her a small smile. “They’re all valid concerns.” Evie let out a relieved breath as Chelsea continued on. “But you have to ask yourself if you want to lock yourself away for the rest of your life on the chance something might go wrong. Anything could go wrong at any time, not just in relationships. Yes, you might make yourself vulnerable. But maybe Alexei is exactly who he seems, and it’ll all work out great.”

Evie nodded slowly. She knew her friend talked sense.

“If this Alexei is worth your time, he’ll agree to take it slowly with you. If not, you can ditch him, and I’ll help.” She paused again, eyeing Evie carefully. “If you want to trust yourself again, you have to put yourself out there, and test your boundaries. Otherwise you’ll never get your instincts back.”

Evie exhaled, then nodded. Chelsea was right. Evie had to at least try, and now seemed like the perfect opportunity. She’d take things slow, not like the whirlwind she’d had with Jimmy. In fact, she’d already known Alexei for longer than she’d known Jimmy before she moved in with him, so that was definitely a mark in his favour. She’d just have to test the waters at each phase, and hopefully things would work out the way she wanted them to. If they didn’t?

Well, she knew the signs, better than anyone. And, when things went wrong, she knew how to escape.