A glass of wine has never tasted so good in my life. The rich flavor hits my throat warming my insides as it trickles down. The fire pit is lit, flames flickering along stone walls of the built-in barbeque. The stillness of the winter night brings me a calming peace. There’s something to be said for the power of reflection because Lord knows I’ve been doing a lot of it over the past week. I think I’ve must have played every up and down Heath and I have experienced in our twenty years of marriage. All of the smiles we’ve shared, the laughs, the tears–both good and bad, everything that makes up a marriage. The struggles have been many, but the victories have made them worth it. They weren’t kidding when they said marriage is the hardest job you’ll ever have.
When I was young a girl, Heath barged into my life, with his mud-stained shirts and scraped up knees. At seventeen years old, I fell in love with that boy. In the beginning, I thought I’d never be able to live without him, but with the years adding up, my opinion changed. My eyes opened, and I thought what I once believed was no longer true. But I was wrong. Heath is still the boy I fell in love with all those years ago, and I still believe that there’s no way I’d ever survive this life without him. It’s sad how a possible tragedy puts so much perspective on something you thought you were so certain about.
Taking a sip of my wine, I hear the gliding of the slider as it opens. When I turn around in my seat, I see Charlie step out form the house, a mug of something steamy in his hands. Hot cocoa. Since he was a boy, he’s always had a thing for hot cocoa.
“Hey, honey,” I greet him as he approaches me. I scoot over and pat the cushion next to me inviting him to take a seat. “Everything all right with your dad? Is he still sleeping?” The excitement of the day had knocked Heath out. After dinner, he excused himself to his room to get some rest.
“Yeah, I was just in his room, and he’s still sound asleep. Trevor said he’d check on him periodically.”
“That’s good.” I lean my body into his, resting my head on his shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re here, Mom.”
“Of course, Charlie, where else would I be?”
“Your place,” he deadpans. “It’s strange that you live in a place that I’ve never stepped foot in.”
“I can take you there tomorrow if you’d like? I need to grab some things anyway.”
“Maybe.”
I lift my head from his shoulder and study his face. The white scar that runs along his jawline reminds me of the time when Heath called me, upset because the daycare told him Charlie had split his face open from his chin to his ear. It ended up being only an inch long, but Charlie was our baby, the first of our kids, and it didn’t matter if it was an inch or a centimeter, no parent wants their child hurt.
“You’re staring,” he huffs.
I reach up and run my finger along his jaw. “I’m glad you’re home, baby.”
He gives me a weak smile. “You know, some of the best memories I have as a kid were our family movie nights. You, Trev, Jen, and me would pile onto the couch and wait. Dad would pop the popcorn, and then he’d add the Reese’s Pieces. The peanut butter would get all gooey, our fingers would be all sticky, but you didn’t care. That was the one night it was all right to eat on the couch.”
“I remember, Char.”
“What’s gonna happen when it’s time for me to have kids? Are they not going to be able to experience the same things as I did as a kid because my parents aren’t together anymore? We’ll have to do separate holidays—a couple of hours with you, and a couple of hours with dad.”
I sit straight up, pulling my body from him. When I turn around, I prepare myself for the battle I know is coming. “For one, you don’t know what’s going to happen with your father and me. And two, that’s a bit selfish of you, don’t you think?”
“You’re living somewhere else other than our family home, Mom. What else am I supposed to think?” He lifts his shoulders. “It’s selfish to want my parents together? Then maybe I’m selfish.”
“It’s selfish not to take other’s feelings into consideration. You want us together because that’s what’s best for you. But what about me? Or your father?”
“Dad seemed to be just fine with how things were between you two.” Oh how quickly his opinion of our separation has changed.
“Look, I know what you’re thinking. This scare with your father has a lot of feelings running rampant. They’ve been doing the same to me. But we can’t make decisions based on emotions. That’s not logical, and you know that.”
“You and Dad started because of feelings. How can you not take that into consideration when making a decision that will impact the rest of your life?”
“I have taken feelings into consideration. My entire life I’ve considered those feelings. Why do you think I waited so long to take a break? I waited because I was worried about you kids. That’s what I do. I’m a mother. I’m your mother. I’ve always made sure you kids came before my own needs, and I hope you know that. But there comes a time, Charlie, when I need to put myself first. So I did what I thought was right at the time. There was no way I was being the best mom because I wasn’t happy with the way my own life was going. Don’t you see that?”
“I see that you still love Dad. It was evident when you were crying in my arms.”
My shoulders fall because there’s no way that I’m going to get through to him. “You’re right, I do love your father. I’m very much in love with your father. Still. After all these years, I love that man with everything in me. Life happens, Char, and it gets in the way of what’s important. Sometimes the everyday struggles break the foundation what we spent so much time building. When that happens, the things that are most important get lost. Life is hard, buddy. You’re only now starting out. You have many more hills to climb and it’s best that you remember that. I don’t want to argue with you. I know you love your dad and me. I know that you want us to be together and happy. It’s not uncommon for any child to feel like that. But you’ve gotta give us the space we need to navigate through this. I’m not wavering on this.”
With his lips tucked into a thin line, he nods. “I think I’m going to see about getting out of the military.”
“Why?”
“Dad needs my help, and I need to be here for him. He’s not going to be climbing up on roofs or in attics anytime soon, and he’s worked too hard to have his company fall under. I can’t let that happen.”
“You need to talk to your dad about that, honey. I’m not sure he’d agree with you.”
“It doesn’t matter, Mom. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m going to make it happen.” He leans in and presses forehead kiss to my cheek. “I’m headed to bed.”