You can’t change other people, but you can change yourself, your heart, and beyond that, your character. With that being said, I’m starting with the note. I’ve wadded it up a hundred times while trying to decide what to do with it.
I watched Ryan put Maddilyn to bed tonight, and it hit me. He gave her a kiss on the cheek, and she laid her head down on his shoulder. “Good night, angel,” he said as he rubbed his hand up and down her back, promising her love and safety. Anytime he went to lay her down, she cried for her daddy. Being wrapped around her finger, he stood there and rocked her till she fell asleep.
It sucker punched me all the way down to my core. The thought of losing him, losing what we have right now, I can’t stomach it. And that’s when I knew without an absolute doubt that Ryan is my person. Ryan is my person, and he loves this little version of me that he didn’t have to accept, but he did anyway because that’s the kind of person he is. He didn’t have to forgive and learn to trust me all over again, but he did and he is. Every day we’re learning and growing, changing our ways and falling for each other like we did over a decade ago.
Ryan went to bed right after Maddy. I told him I’d be there in a while. I could wait till he goes to work tomorrow when I can do this in private, but I don’t want any more secrets. No more guilt. No more hiding.
“Ryan,” I whisper from the bedroom door. It’s dark, and I can’t tell if he’s still awake or not.
He rolls over to face me. “Ley? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you. If you’re too tired, go back to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.” I’m making light of the situation because I don’t want him to freak out. This is a good thing. I just have to show him that, like he showed me we could be us again.
He glances over at the clock and throws the covers back. “What is it?”
“Here…” I toss his hoodie at him from the sofa at the foot of our bed. “It’s chilly out, and I want to show you something.”
He snorts. “You’re freaking me out. Is this the moment when you ‘show me something’ and dump my body out back?”
I laugh, it is funny that we’re going out back in the middle of the night. It’s cold and dark, but I need to do this. “No, baby. Not going to kill you, but thanks for the idea.” I wink.
The smack of his hand on my ass echoes out into the night. “Okay, smartass, what’s going on?”
“Will you light that for me?” I gesture toward the fire pit. He looks at me, his eyebrows drawn together, but he does it. I drag the patio chairs across the concrete close enough to the fire so we can feel the warmth radiating out of it.
I tug the note out of my pocket and hand it to Ryan. I don’t say a word while his eyes skim over the address written on it. He looks over at me, his heart on his sleeve, eyes full of fright.
“It’s not what you think. I mean, it is. I think. I haven’t done anything with it, looked into it or anything. I don’t want to.”
“When did you get it?”
“A few days ago.”
He nods slowly, taking it all in.
“I wanted you to know about it. I don’t want anything coming between us again.”
He’s silent still, and I can’t tell what’s going on in his head.
“Ryan, I know we haven’t talked about him, and Maddy—”
“Don’t. I love that little girl like she’s ours, Leylah. Don’t take that from me.” His voice cracks. I’m not getting my point across exactly like I’d planned.
I swallow a thick lump of emotions down my throat and get down on my knees in front of him. “Ryan, this is a good thing. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you, for lying to you, and ruining what we had. I’m so sorry.” Tears flow like a river down my cheeks. I can taste the saltiness on my lips as I plead to him. “Don’t you see? I’m showing you this because it’s our closure. There’s no more unspoken what-ifs, no more uncertainty… I’m 100 percent in. And I want you to know that, from the bottom of my soul, you’re it for me.” I grab the note and turn around on my knees facing the fire pit. I hold the paper out over the fire and slam my eyes shut. Taking a deep breath, I flick them open as soon as I let go, watching my past drift down into the inferno and disintegrate into nothing.
Just like Roman and I did.
Closure.
“It was always you, Ryan.” I barely manage to get the words out in between my sobs. “I just had to be brought back to you to see that.”
Ryan wraps his hoodie around me and pulls me into his lap. “Thank you” escapes his lips right before they crash to mine. I hadn’t noticed in my frantic state that he was crying too. Quiet tears. Tears of all the pain from the past. Tears of relief. “There at the end, you said I never put forth the effort, and I’m sorry for that. I can’t change the shit I did or didn’t do, but I can make it better from here on out. I’m really trying, like I told you I would. I love you, Ley.”
We share a chair under the stars in the cool fall night, no longer thinking of the past but of the future. From this moment forward, till death do us part.