I will not crawl back to him, I will not. This is my mantra, I say it over and over.
I will not.
I will not.
Why must I debate something like this? I shouldn’t want to be with him.
He’s bad, evil.
The things I’ve been told he’s done—does—is enough to make anyone run with their tail tucked firmly between their legs. I can’t though. He’s on my mind even as I sit here on a date a week after I last spoke with Black with no word since. He doesn’t care, so maybe I should stop caring myself. Maybe I should shut that part of me up.
Robbie looks at me and smiles as he picks up his glass of wine, his appreciation for me evident in his ways. And all I can think about is Black wouldn’t drink wine. I have to cut that train of thought from my brain, extract it, and move it somewhere into the dark recesses of my mind.
“To you,” he toasts. We’ve just finished a beautiful dinner. He saw me not long after I ran into Roger. My face flooded with tears, he understood why. He knows about my daughter, he’s looked into my files. He knows all there is to know about me. And he doesn’t seem to care, though neither does Black, and he has seen me at my worst.
“I can’t toast to me, Robbie.” I shake my head at him.
“You can look at what you are doing. Fighting for what you believe in.” He’s taken me to the best lawyer money can buy when he found me. I told him I want her, need her in my life. Though just for a consultation with the lawyer, it took all the money I had saved. I now don’t have enough to pay for anything else. And I have no idea where I’ll be getting the money for the rest of it. My job does not pay that much, and no bank will loan me the money. I do have one option, and that option is a hard one and one I don’t want to go to.
I clink my glass with his, even though there’s nothing to be happy about. It’s actually a dreadful day. Roger knows I’m here, and the look on his face when he saw me with Isabelle was one of death. He wanted me to never come back, to never see her again. He thought the drugs he fed me would have done the trick, he thought he could have all he wanted and exclude me from the picture. It doesn’t work like that. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, and I will do anything I possibly can to get her back.
He saw it in my eyes, the way my hand protectively wrapped around her shoulders. He knew I was back for her, she was the only reason I would step back in this town. Nothing else is here for me.
“I think you’re doing what any mother would do,” Robbie says, bringing me out my thoughts. I smile at him. He’s handsome, nice. All the things I should be going for. Except I’m not.
“I have to tell you something,” I say, placing the glass on the table. I look to him to see a serious look cross his face.
“Conversations that usually start with that don’t usually end well,” he says mockingly, but with a worried look on his face.
“I have been seeing someone.” I look and wait for his reaction. He doesn’t seem surprised.
“I know you have, Rose.”
“Why are you here then?” I can’t help but ask.
“I’m here because I don’t think you want anything long term with a man like Black. Especially if you’re going to be trying to get your daughter back.” I’m shocked to say the least. Shocked that he can say that, he doesn’t even know him.
“He isn’t as bad as they say,” I defend him. Why? I have no idea.
“No, he isn’t…” he shakes his head slightly, “…I think he’s worse.”
He pauses for a moment, picking up his glass and taking another drink. I sit there, unable to say anything.
“Are you still seeing him?”
“No!” And it’s true. I haven’t been, and it’s been torture.
“I think that’s the smart thing to do.” He nods his head like he’s trying to make me believe it. Pity that I don’t.
Dinner ended on an awkward note since he wanted to kiss me. He leaned in and I deflected it with a kiss on the cheek. He looked unhappy, but I wasn’t going to be kissing two guys in a matter of months.
Today, though, today is a new day. And I am excited. I have finished work early, and I’m standing at the front of Isabelle’s school waiting for her break. I hear the bell, and my smile is so wide it’s hurting my face. I can’t help it. Since I saw her yesterday, I couldn’t wait to see her again. She’s grown so much and she’s so beautiful it breaks my heart that I’ve missed so much. I want to learn about everything that’s new. What is her favorite show now? She changed her mind on that so often it was hard to keep up.
A hand touches my back and I turn to see Roger standing there, his face scrunched up. Anger is evident in his features.
“You should not be here,” he basically spits. I turn my head, wanting to see if she comes out. Not wishing to miss a second of her. He grabs my arm and turns me back to him. “I knew you’d come again today. Let’s get out of sight and talk.” I’m hesitant since I don’t want to be anywhere alone with this man. I turn back, and he speaks as I do. “She’ll be waiting,” he assures me.
“I want to see her more,” I say, walking behind him, following him out of sight of the school grounds.
“I don’t think that should happen,” he says. I stop. Not wanting to go further. We’re already far enough away as it is.
“You can’t stop me, Roger. I will take it to the courts if I have to.” He laughs dryly at me.
“With what money? You haven’t held your job long enough to cover the cost. You don’t even own a house, Rose. Plus...” he leans in close, his scent I once used to love now makes me want to be sick, “…you’re a druggie.” He basically spits the last words at me. I take a step back, removing myself from his proximity.
“That is all on you.” I know I shouldn’t have said it when it leaves my mouth. I felt it, I forgot for a second how bad his temper is. His face goes red, he looks possessed. His hand is fast that I don’t even see the movement. He brings it to my face and slaps me so hard I fall backward. I don’t move, there isn’t a reason to. If I speak or say another word it’s ignition for him. He walks so he’s next to me.
“You are nothing but trash, used up and wasted trash.” He kicks my ribs hard. The breath leaves me and it feels like I have to fight to get it back.
I have to remove my child from this man, she can’t grow up with him.