I wake with heavy eyes, there are no voices around me apart from a constant beep. I don’t remember what happened, or why I’m finding it hard to move. I manage to open my eyes. I find Liam asleep on a sofa next to the bed. His eyes are closed, his feet crossed. I try to say something, but my throat is too dry. Nothing leaves it apart from a small squeak.
Liam jumps at my sound, immediately standing next to me. He grabs a glass of water and places the straw to my lips. I sip slowly, then he places it down and touches my face softly, so much appreciation in his touch.
“What…” is all I manage to say.
“You were shot, Rose.” I remember then, I remember Liam running to me. I remember him being tied down and not being able to move. Then I remember the gun. “You’ve been asleep for two weeks,” he says, standing tall next to me. He looks so tired. I reach out and touch his hand. He looks down at it and doesn’t speak. I try not to remember the rest, the stuff that man did to me, I try to not think of anything but Liam’s green eyes.
It’s finally time for me to leave the hospital. Liam has been at my bedside every day, not talking much, just watching me. He hasn’t allowed anyone in the room, it’s just been him for two solid weeks. I’ve started to see a different side of him, a worried and scared side, one I thought he never possessed.
“Take me to the lake, Liam,” I ask as we reach his car. He opens my door and just looks at me.
“Home, Rose.” He demands, so broken. My beautiful, strong man, so beautifully broken.
“No, I just need to remember. I just want to watch the water, watch it with you.” He helps me in the car and starts it up. He sits there for a bit, not moving, just thinking. Then he begins to drive, and he’s taking me there. Texting as he drives.
When we pull up, he tells me to wait in the car. Then I watch as he grabs a tool out and makes the hole in the fence bigger for us to get through. He comes back to the car, picks me up, and carries me straight through the hole and holds me in exactly the same spot where we first jumped from.
“I didn’t expect you,” he says. I turn to him to see him watching me. I actually came here to tell him something, something the doctor told me.
“You didn’t?” I ask smiling. He adjusts my weight and shakes his head, green eyes staring into mine.
“I’m glad I didn’t, Rose. The best things are unexpected.” The look he’s giving me is like none I have seen. It’s full of so much love, so much emotion, he holds it in his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, I think I see his soul, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“My heart bleeds for you, Liam Black.”
“My heart weeps for you, Rose…” Just as he says those words, his eyes open wide, a shot rings out. I look behind his shoulder. Ru stands there, smiling with a gun in his hand. I look back to Liam, his eyes opening and closing, his hold on me slipping. Blood starts oozing from his mouth. He looks down to me and we fall.
Both of us drop into the lake. His body slams into mine, pushing me under the water. It hurts to try to swim upward. My chest is still sore from my surgeries.
I reach the top, gasping for air, looking around for Liam. I can’t find him. I swim under the surface, searching for him as best I can, but coming up each time with nothing. My breath starts coming in short bursts as I realize I can never find him in this place. I swim the area of the lake, my chest hurting and pulling with each stroke I take. I don’t think it’s the pain from the surgery, it’s the pain from him. Like a knife stabbing me, again, and again. I circle it three times, finding no trace of him.
My eyes are now covered with tears, the water melding them together. I can barely see as I try to pull myself up. Hoping that Ru is there to give me the same death he just installed on Liam. A hand reaches for me, pulling me from the lake. I thrash at it, hoping to pull it in with me, but it yells at me.
“Stop, Rose!” I realize it’s not Ru. It’s Jake. He picks me up and carries me to his truck. I look outside, my tears blurring my vision as I watch a car go up in flames. Then alone, by itself is Liam’s truck. Just like he is, alone.
I try to tell him. I point, point to the lake. Jake throws his shoes and shirt off, chucks me his phone and runs back to the lake. I hear him scream his name, hear his thrashing around in the water, hoping and praying for the best. I call the police, my voice not being able to get the words out.
I move to the edge where he fell. I look at that spot. That spot that will hold different feelings compared to what they used to. They will now hold my nightmares, of that I am sure. My hands shake as I lean on them, water drops to them, except, it’s not water it’s my tears. They are falling so slowly I don’t even realize it. The pain is consuming me, holding me in its vice grip, strangling the life from me. I don’t know how to handle it. How to work through it. I can’t stop the tears, can’t stop the knife that won’t stop stabbing my heart.
I manage to get up and walk back, to see Jake diving in and out of the water. Searching and looking just the same way I was. I call to him, he stops. He’s been in there so long his hands are wrinkled from the water. He looks to me before he pulls himself out. His hands circle me and we both cry—cry for Liam.
I don’t sleep, I can’t. Jake stays with me, even when I tell him to go. Divers have been in the river for days searching for him. They haven’t found anything and have called off the search. They suggest we have a burial. A burial with no body? I won’t do it, I can’t do it.
“You’re pregnant?” Jake asks, his mouth stitched up. He hasn’t spoken much. He holds my phone in his hand and looks at me open mouthed. I nod my head and he shakes his. He storms from the room, comes back with a plate full of food, sits it in front of me and tells me to eat. He sits there watching until I take my first bite, the first in two days.
I have done nothing but cry. I cry myself to sleep, cry when I shower, cry when I look at my room. I don’t know how I have any tears left, or how they’re still able to produce so much moisture when there’s nothing left in me. Nothing but a shell of a person.
I end up sleeping that night, but the nightmares take over, and I wake not even an hour later screaming. Jake runs into the room, sees me crying and climbs into bed with me. He places a pillow between us and pulls me in, wrapping his hand around my waist. Making me feel safe, and for the first time I sleep for longer than a few hours.
Some days I don’t move. Other days I move to the bathroom floor and lay there all day, with moments where my head is over the toilet bowl. The tears have slowed, the pain never leaving. I tend to cry myself to sleep. Hoping and praying for a miracle. It never comes. Police say they haven’t found Ru, but Jake smirks every time they say that because he told me he took care of it. And I don’t want to know any more than that.
Months start to blur, and before I know it I’m big. My heart and head are still a mess. Jake has become my safe zone, my ‘I’m okay for now’ zone. He helps with the kids, helps with me. Even though he doesn’t have to. He calms me down when I wake screaming most nights, reminding me that I’m still alive and that I can do this. Even when I feel like I can’t. He has simply become my best friend, and I didn’t even know it.
I found out it’s a boy today, and I told Jake I’m calling him Liam. Jake smiled a sad smile and walked away. I forget that sometimes I’m not the only one hurting, I forget that his love for him was just as strong. He sometimes screams in his sleep, and I wake to a wet pillow as I listen to him. Unable to help him, not knowing how to. I can’t even help myself, let alone someone else.
Today I had Liam, a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Jake cried, his first ever tears, then tears came from everyone else including me. The grief hit me hard in that moment, realizing he’d never meet his father, get to know the great man that saved me on multiple occasions and without a second thought.
I still cry myself to sleep almost every night. Especially as I watch Liam grow, watch his green eyes penetrate mine with love. He has the eyes of his father, just without the hardness.
I hear Jake and Hayden tell Liam stories at night, and watch as Isabelle listens to them too. I stand behind like I can’t hear them as they say great things about him. I usually cry then too. I’ve never cried so much in all my life, it feels like my soul is forever weeping, wanting that something back that’s missing. But it knows it can’t, so it breaks and breaks a little more each and every day.
One day I think I will be okay, one day I don’t think I will cry. One day I will meet him again, and that day is the day I hope for most. Even if it’s a long time away.