Courts are tiring, but worth it. It’s been six months. Six long, grueling months of fighting, surviving and wanting to take the easy way out. But it’s been worth it. I didn’t win, didn’t win full rights. A mother who disappears for years with no contact doesn’t have that right, so I got weekends, and will eventually, hopefully, manage fifty-fifty. Roger in the courtroom looked at me as if the last breath I was gonna take would be his. Robbie was my savior, and I also think because I had him Roger was careful with what he did and said around me.
I don’t let Robbie around Isabelle. It’s not that he’s bad—no, he’s the complete opposite—he’s great to me. When I have Isabelle, I don’t want it to be anyone but us. I’m selfish, I only have limited time with her, and I have so much to make up for.
“Mommy, mommy, some man is at the door,” she screams while I’m in the kitchen. She skips in, stopping at the kitchen to grab a cookie and runs out back out to play on the swings. I walk to the door, and when I see a tall, dark figure standing there, my heart skips a beat. When he turns, though, my stomach calms.
“Hi, can I help you?” I ask as he looks me up and down.
“She yours?” he asks nodding his head toward the back of the house. The house I was able to put a deposit on and buy thanks to Black. The man I haven’t seen in what feels like a lifetime. No one has ever kissed me or made me feel the way he did. I’m taken aback by his question. I don’t understand why he would ask that? It seems rude.
“Can I help you, mister?” He smiles, noticing I don’t answer his question.
“No, you gave me everything I need. Good day, Rose.” My name slips from his lips with a sinister smile. I shiver and shut the door, making sure it’s locked.
That man has left me shaken, so when not even ten minutes later there’s another knock on the door, I’m afraid to answer it. Afraid of what will be on the other side. The knock comes again, and Isabelle runs inside, hearing it. Her smile is bright. She has so many of my features and for that I’m thankful. I don’t know if I could handle staring at a replica of Roger every day.
“Door, Mom,” she says, walking past me and shaking her head, thinking I was ignoring it or not hearing it. She’s five and a ray of sunshine. I stop her before she reaches it, and I pick her up. She laughs when I tickle her, her smile making my worries disperse.
I hold her tight, and when I open the door, I’m taken aback again. This time for an entirely different reason. My mother is standing there, an older image of myself, looking from me to Isabelle. Her hands go to her mouth and she gasps loudly.
“She looks so much like you,” she finally says. I don’t reply.
She looks so dejected when I don’t speak. Isabelle hides her face in my hair, covering herself. She notices Isabelle, how she reacts, and a tear leaves her eyes.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Rose.” Her head shakes back and forth. “I didn’t know. Casey explained it to me. I should have believed you.”
“Stop, please,” I say, placing Isabelle on the ground. I bend toward her. “Go and play with your Barbies, sweetie. I have to talk to this lady, okay?” She nods her head and looks to my mother again before she runs off down the house to her room.
“You’re good with her,” she says, wiping the tears from her face.
“Really? You think so? Last time I spoke to you I was a useless human being who shouldn’t be around her.” I throw sarcasm at her, then the harsh reality of truth about how she spoke to me.
“I didn’t know. And everything he said… you just seem to… seem to be doing everything wrong. I only wanted what was best for her, Rose.”
“And not what’s best for me? Your daughter. ”
“You’re my number one priority, always have been. I’ve been searching for you for years.”
“Didn’t look very hard, did you?”
“Can we start over?”
“I don’t think now is the time for that. I need you to leave, please. Roger will be on his way here to pick her up and I don’t want to waste my time arguing with you.”
“Okay,” she finally says, just as Roger pulls up. His girlfriend sits proudly in the passenger seat of his car fixing her makeup. She doesn’t look up, she doesn’t care. He notices my mother and walks straight past her and into my house. I close the door on her face and follow him inside.
“Who did you screw for this house, Rose?” he asks, looking around. I have only recently moved in. The first thing I did was Isabelle’s room, the rest is still a work in progress. I ignore his jab and go to her room. She’s on the floor, playing like I told her to. She smiles and runs to me when she sees me before Roger pushes his way through and grabs her by the arm and tugs her to him. She shakes her head, no, and my heart cracks.
“It’s time to go, Isabelle,” he says, looking up at me and giving me the vilest look.
“Bye, baby. I’ll see you next weekend, okay?” She looks up at me, her eyes the same color as mine, and she nods her head. I follow them out, waving to her as she jumps in the car. Roger pauses at his door, then walks back to me.
“Stop fighting me for her. It will only end badly for you.”
“She’s mine too. I won’t listen to your threats either.” I shake my head and he smiles.
“I will do worse to you than drugs next time, Rose. I will ruin you,” he seethes. I step back, back in my doorway, and slam the door in his face. My worry of the stranger disappeared, as I need to be more concerned about what Roger has planned. He could hurt me worse, of that I’m sure.
I saw him once. He was watching me, his eyes followed my every move. He didn’t know I had spotted him, my glasses covering my eyes as I watched him watch me. I was walking out of the courthouse and I was a mess. I was amazed I had even caught sight of him. But seeing him helped take my mind off everything. Made that little black spot brighter. He left, not long after Robbie came out and placed his hand around my waist. I looked for him again, but he’d just disappeared.
Robbie comes to my house nearly every day after work. He brings me wine, or flowers, or dinner—every time it’s different. I haven’t slept with him, haven’t let anything go beyond a kiss. I know he wants more, I can feel it in the way he kisses me. How he brings my body so close to his. It’s not that I don’t find him attractive—he is—and I know I’m lucky to have him. Someone who’s so considerate of everything that I am, and that I do. It just feels wrong, though it shouldn’t, I’m not with him anymore. Haven’t been for a long time and I think it’s time I moved on. Let Robbie further into my life.
He’s due here any second now. I’m in a silk nighty. It hugs in all the right places and puts my cleavage on display. My hair is tied up, sexy and messy. Red lipstick matches my nighty. I hear the doorbell ring, so I slide on a silk robe over my shoulders. When I open the door, he smiles brightly and looks me over. He’s wearing jeans and a casual white shirt. When I look at him, really look at him, he’s extremely good looking, he works out and he respects me. For instance, right now, he’s holding a box of chocolates and flowers. I take them and kiss his cheek, and he leans in wanting more and touches my waist slightly. I step away and grab his hand, pulling him inside. He shuts the door with his hip and follows eagerly behind me.
“You staying the night?” I ask and he looks shocked. I’ve never let him stay the night. Our relationship, if you would call it that, is odd. More friendship for me, but not for him.
“Really?” he asks in disbelief. I nod my head and he smiles.