Chapter 37
Anna
“Anna? Anna, baby?”
“Annalise?”
“Anna, will you please wake up.”
“Hmm?” Darkness morphed with flashes of a bright light. The hum of voices registered, only to fade.
“Anna, please.”
My lids lifted and I blinked through the colors swirling together like an abstract painting. Consciousness. Unconsciousness. I knew I was drifting in and out of reality, but here in the dark, I was safe. Here in the dark, I couldn’t be hurt anymore.
“I need you to wake up, baby.”
The soft contact trailing down my cheek sent my whole body jerking to life. My eyes flew open and memories returned in a jumble of confusing scenes. Had I been dreaming? Was that nightmare real?
“My baby.”
I barely processed Braden as my hand flew to my stomach. The emptiness. The…numbness. Had I been in surgery? No, they had talked about it, but I didn’t have it. Did I?
My eyes jerked to Braden’s pain-filled expression, and I was sobbing before I could even search for the right words to say. He was real? He was here?
“Anna…”
“Where’s my son? Where?” I fought to sit up, wincing through the odd sensations and pain coursing through me.
“Our son, he…” Braden swallowed hard, wiping a tear from his own face as his hand came to settle over his mouth. Seconds went by while I waited. “He didn’t make it. They tried, but they couldn’t save him.”
“What? No.” My head shook as I looked around the room. Nothing was right. The simple fact that I was here wasn’t making sense. “This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. I’m dreaming.”
My hand shot up and I stared at my missing finger. Slowly, the bruises and scars around my wrist from fighting the cuffs for so long began to register.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.”
“This isn’t real, Braden. I’m not here. Not really. I must be dead. Dear Heavenly Father, you’ve cast me to hell. I’m in hell. This is it, isn’t it?”
“Anna, you’re not dead.”
“I am dead! I was…” My brain ached as I searched back to what I could last remember. “I was on the bed. I was hurting. He told me I wasn’t going anywhere. He sat me up and…then I was screaming and pushing. Nurses were rushing toward me. No. He wouldn’t bring me here. He wouldn’t have let me go. This isn’t real!”
“It is, and he did.”
Braden continued to wipe his tears as he stroked my shoulder. How had I not felt his contact before? I felt nothing. Nothing but panic.
“You’re lying. I didn’t just lose my baby. I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry. He was my son, too.”
“I want him. I want to see him for myself. I want my baby! Where’s my baby? Help! Help!”
“Anna, please.”
Hands tried easing me down, but I only grew more defensive through their hold. No One’s presence engulfed me, even though he wasn’t here. It left me wild in my movements—ready to flee or strike if I had to.
The door flew open and more movement caught my attention, but I didn’t stop clawing at Braden. I couldn’t stop.
“My baby! I want my baby!”
“Ms. Monroe, you have to lie back. You have to relax.”
“I want my son!”
The nurse rushed to place something in the IV as Braden’s grip tightened on my shoulders. He was crying harder—harder than I’d ever seen anyone cry. Something in the action left me feeling as if I were out of my body witnessing the scene from a few feet away. My heart ached. My soul was shattered into a million pieces.
“This will relax you. Just lay back, Ms. Monroe. You’re going to be okay.”
Heaviness and a fog swept over my mind within seconds. My eyes rolled and I could feel my back become less rigid and sink into the hospital mattress.
“My…baby.”
“We’ll let you see your baby, okay? I’m going to go get him now.”
A silent sob left me. I was still crying, but no sound would come in my new state. Braden’s sniffling had my gaze moving to his face. He was broken now. Broken in ways only I understood. Where that should have drawn me to him more, I could barely feel anything at all.
The door shut and although my mind was swimming, the fear I held inside never left.
“He brought me here? He got away?”
Braden gave a stiff nod. He dumped you not far from here and left. Do you remember anything about where you were? Anything that could lead me to him, right now. Right now. I’m going to…”
Anger twisted with the pain on his face. Images of the house I’d been kept in came back, but I knew nothing of where it was.
“No. I never saw. But…”
“But what? Anna, you have to tell me everything. Anything you remember.”
“Sirens. I heard them quite a few times. He has to be in the city somewhere.”
Braden’s breath turned ragged. “He’s so close. I knew. I could feel it.” He paused, letting his head lower. “We’ll find him, I promise.”
“We’ll…or you?”
Bloodshot green eyes cut up and softened almost immediately as his hand cupped mine. “We. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. We, the police department.” He brought it to his chest and the moment he leaned in close to kiss me, I jerked back. My pulse raced and I almost screamed at the nearness.
“I’m sorry. Fuck, Anna, I’m so damn sorry. This is all my fault.”
My head shook, but it took me a moment to speak. “You didn’t do this, Braden. I did. I started this.” At his intense stare, more tears left me. “He wasn’t the son. He was the almost son. I…my mother…we…” I couldn’t continue through the memories of my time there.
“Shhh. Let’s talk about this later. You’ve been through so much. I thought…”
The grip on my hand tightened and he lowered again. When his other hand reached toward my face, I couldn’t stop the flinch or withdrawal.
“You need time. I know that, but I just want to hold and touch you. I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know. Anna, please.”
“Janneke wasn’t enough to comfort you?”
Braden’s head reared back as if I’d slapped him.
“Janneke? We talked, nothing more. And it was always about you. The conversations weren’t even long. How did you…?”
There was a dawning on his face that quickly had the anger returning.
“I saw the pictures of the two of you together, Braden.”
“It was nothing. Nothing at all.”
I pulled my hand free of his and went to turn away, but before I could, the door opened. Silence was drowned out by the strangled sound that left me as I pushed the button to elevate the bed. Impatience had me reaching out before the nurse could even make it to the bed.
“I’ll give you both some time. Call when you’re ready for me to come back.”
Her voice was soft as she came to a stop. Although she spoke, her eyes were on Braden. I didn’t care or even give it a thought. I took the small bundle from her arms, studying every little feature on my son’s tiny face. My bottom lip quivered uncontrollably and all my sins plagued me—blamed me—as I lifted and kissed his still slightly warm forehead.
“Forgive me,” I whispered.
“Anna, no.” Braden sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the back of my neck and easing my forehead to press against his. Had it not been for my son in my arms, I might have lost it. The need was there. My skin crawled and my mind yelled to break the contact, but by some miracle, I was able to keep still.
“You didn’t do this, baby. Nothing about this situation is your fault. You’re the victim here.”
“Victim? No.”
I buried my face against my son’s, sobbing from the guilt of not protecting him better—for failing him when he counted on me for safety. I hadn’t been careful enough. I had…done things while I carried him. Evil things. God, I didn’t deserve a child. God…yes, he knew that. He did this.
“I’m sorry,” I said, pressing my lips to my child again. “I love you. As I think over something meaningful to say, there is only one thing repeating in my mind. ‘For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.’ Romans…15:4. Roman…my son,” I sobbed. “I do not have hope. That was not what I wished to say to you. There isn’t a scripture in the world that could define my love, nor the way my heart grieves for your loss. Not one. My only comfort is knowing you are taken care of now, and I’m heartbroken it isn’t by me. I will never see you grow, never see you smile or laugh. I’m sorry—a million times, I’m so sorry.”
The bed shook at Braden’s silent cries. I blinked through the slightly cloudy thoughts, trying to shift my focus to what comfort I could give the man I loved. Had loved? I was still having a hard time believing this was happening, more or less what I was capable of feeling. It didn’t seem real. None of this made sense. And I wasn’t okay. Not physically or mentally. Not even close.
“I don’t want this to be real. I would go back right now if it meant Roman would live and I would die. I would. I want to.”
Before he could speak, a quick knock sounded and two men in dark suits walked in. I immediately knew they weren’t detectives. They were more—higher in the food chain of authority. One had salt and pepper hair and was taller than the younger brown-haired man who had to be in his mid-thirties.
“Ms. Monroe, I’m Special Agent Freeze, and this is my partner, Special Agent Balken. We have a few questions for you.” The older man’s eyes went to Braden, whose jaw tightened. “Detective Casey. We’re going to have to ask you to step out for a moment.”
“I don’t think so. In case you didn’t notice, Anna and I are spending our last moments with our son. I think this can wait.”
The agents’ eyes lowered to where I held the baby at my chest, and they hesitated before nodding. “We’re sorry for both of your loss. We’ll be outside.”
The door shut behind them and Braden turned back to me. Sadness etched back into his features and he bent over, kissing our son. The broken breath as he held there was followed by his arm wrapping behind my back to pull me closer so his head could rest against my chest. The smell of his soap had me closing my eyes. It was so familiar, yet foreign. It was mine. I’d have known that distinct smell anywhere.
“Roman, I wish—” He exhaled. “I tried…”
His face turned into me as he held on tighter. Hot air from his sob penetrated the gown and I swallowed through the uneasy feeling that sent my mind reeling. It was okay. I was okay. I loved Braden. He was all I’d thought about during my captivity. The resentment was there from Janneke, but I couldn’t blame him for needing someone to talk to. If that was all that had happened. I wasn’t so sure, and I was way past the point of being enraged. And it wasn’t just at my distrust of him. It was at the world.
A twinge of pain had me wincing and I shifted through the invisible cloud of emotion that left me off-balance.
“Are you okay?” Braden lifted, keeping his hand on my shoulder.
“I can’t keep sitting up like this. I’m getting dizzy.”
“Here, let me take him until you get settled.”
My eyes snapped up as instinct left me pulling Roman more into my chest.
“Anna, just until you’re comfortable. If you scoot over, I can get on and put him between us.”
“You won’t take him away? I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
“Of course not. We’ll be right here. Once you’re over and ready, we’ll be even closer.”
Reluctance had my unstable mind pausing so I could glance down at my son. To be parted from him at all was almost unbearable. How was I going to let go—to Braden, to him for a proper burial? Nothing seemed possible at the moment.
I closed my eyes as a new round of electrifying pains shot through me. They broke the impenetrable need and I lifted my arms, handing over Roman. Each time I tried to move, my body ached. Almost every part of me screamed of injuries. But they weren’t only from child birth. I was hurt. Weak. Moving my legs at all was almost impossible.
“I…can’t.” Tears fell and I threw back the covers to stare down at my slightly exposed thighs. My calves were skinnier than I’d ever seen them, and I was seeing them for the first time. Really seeing them.
“What is that?”
Braden’s lids narrowed as he held the baby closer and eased up my gown. I flinched, but held still as he exposed the rest of the branded X.
“Son of a bitch,” he breathed, letting his eyes meet mine. “He’s the new killer. He killed the brunettes.”
For the first time, guilt pulled out fear. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move at the memories blinding me.
“Anna. This could be huge. Did you see him do this?”
“I…Braden, I think I’m in trouble.”
“In trouble, how?”
I looked down at my clasped hands, seeing blood covering them. I didn’t fear prison or the outcome. I didn’t even feel remorse for the murders. I was just as dead as those girls. Why wasn’t I crying for them, begging for forgiveness? My pulse was already down—barely thumping.
“I didn’t see him do it. I didn’t see much of anything. After he found out I was pregnant, he moved me up from the basement and kept me cuffed to a bed.”
Braden’s cheek ticked as I glanced up. He wanted No One. He needed evidence to put him away, and I had it. All of it. Little did he know, I wasn’t letting that bastard get away with what he had done. He was going to pay, just as I had, but worse.
“I know they’re about to ask you a lot of questions, Anna, but…do you remember anything that can help us find this man? Anything that might have come back?”
My gaze went back to my hands, knowing I had to at least act like I was complying. “He was the other brother. He kept himself completely shaved. He’s…” I paused, “very good at computers. And he obsessively stays on his phone. No One was constantly looking to the press for information on what he’d done. He’ll kill again, and probably soon. He was on the verge of taking another woman before…this.”
“Did he mention how he chose his victims? Or maybe he gave clues as to who he would choose?”
My head shook. “I have no idea what path he’ll take or what his victim will look like.”
I doubted they’d be brunette. Those were for me, and I wasn’t there anymore.
Silence had me returning my gaze to Braden. He was staring down at our son. I fought to make my legs work the smallest amount so I could move over. The pain fluctuated, and at one point, Braden walked over to try to help, but my hands shot out before he could attempt to touch me. I would never be this weak again. I would never be a victim. I’d be strong. Fast. My naïve days of trying to believe in goodness were done. The moment I got out of here, I’d become a new person—me, for the first time.