“WHATEVER MYSTERY WAS left to how and why I met my husband has been solved. He was sent to me to keep tabs on me about the suspicions surrounding my father’s death, and to find out if…” Entranced by the crown molding on the walls, I sank in the couch inside Dr. Erin’s office.
“Go on,” Dr. Erin urged. “I’ve told you many times, Nikki. If you admit any criminal activity to me that will not put you in direct danger, and you would like it to remain a secret, I won’t allow it to escape this room.”
I bobbed my head, comforted enough to tell her what I’d discovered through my own assumptions the night Preston died. Nothing else needed to be said. I knew who Victor was, and given his connection with Eric, there could only be one reason why Eric was in my life. “He infiltrated my life in order to find out if I remembered the day my cousin was killed. The day I thought I saw a glimpse of my father’s love. I was wrong. It wasn’t any semblance of a selfless emotion. I was a liability to him because I knew too much.
“He didn’t want to put me in a facility because I was mentally damaged. He wanted me there to keep me quiet. In the back of my mind, I knew the truth. I knew he had ulterior motives. I knew he never meant my mother and me well.” Quickly standing from the couch, I padded toward the bay windows facing the street. “I don’t believe anything Eric says anymore. I think he came into my mother’s life with the intention of gaining a piece of her company—to give his criminally connected friends another business to help them launder money through.” I shook my head, unable to grasp any semblance of conviction in my thoughts. “It doesn’t make sense because he gifted the shares back to me. Maybe it’s something as simple as him finishing the job my father started.” Puzzled over my conclusions, I looked back at Dr. Erin for help. I wondered if it was the dark voice inside me, no longer quieted, but speaking for me. “Is this paranoia or smart deductions?”
“What do you think, Nikki?”
“I want to believe Eric can love,” I surmised. “I want to believe it so badly I try to be the woman who loves him…so much. I receive nothing in return but false proclamations of love told from behind empty eyes. I hold on, hoping I’ll see a glimpse of the man I believed. The man who told me he loved me and made me believe him. On the other hand, I think there isn’t anything Eric won’t do to keep me.”
“You could be correct,” Dr. Erin replied. “If he’s a man who showcases aspects of narcissism, it’s quite possible he needs control over you, Nikki. It’s easily maintained when someone is lacking in emotional stability. Being this way, you are reliant on him and satisfied with whatever he provides, in spite of the fact the things he supplies you with are toxic.”
“Do you believe he loves me? He picked me because I was easy to manipulate?” I hoped the answer to my first question was yes, and the second, an affirmative no.
“If he’s a textbook definition of a sociopath, which I am by no means diagnosing him—it would be careless of me to do so without having a one-on-one session with him—he wouldn’t have the ability to love. He can make you believe it, but internally, he can’t feel it. He lacks the brain functioning responsible for the production of empathy, love, most emotions. If he’s a psychopath, that’s another matter entirely.
“From what you’ve told me during our sessions, I think Eric believes he needs to keep you near, because you provide him with the things he wants. I believe when things change and you’re ready to detach from him, he won’t be accepting. He wants control. He wants to be the one to say when things end. I believe he won’t end things with you until he’s left you in the same manner he has left other women before.”
I would very shortly discover how much the truth deviated from her professional opinions.
“Have you come to the realization of what you must do?” she asked, breaking our silence.
Certain her solution and mine differed, I simply nodded. “I don’t want to do it. I’m not scared of the outcome; I’m not sure of how much it will change him.”
“If you didn’t love him, it would be easier. Being that you think you are his, you’ve given up on who you are.”
“I didn’t know who she was. She’s just recently come back to me. I’m not ready for her to come back.”
She nodded her head in acknowledgement. “Nikki…can we discuss Cherish Clarke?”
Utterly annoyed, I sighed and sat back down on the couch. “She’s unimportant.”
“She was your first friend, wasn’t she? She’s very important.”
Her words made me still. Earlier in our session, I had disclosed the details on Cherish Clarke. At first, I traveled with my mother on her business trips and she ensured I had a private tutor at all times. Shortly after the incident I’d experienced with my father in Texas, she set up roots in New York. I was sent off to the best preparatory school in the area and my mother took the trips without me, making her presence sorely missed.
I didn’t fit in at school and it was made known from the moment I’d arrived. Having never had friends or social interactions with my own peers before, I didn't know how to behave.
Initially, Cherish was very friendly. She remained friendly until we became freshman in high school. She turned on me, claiming I seduced her boyfriend; it wasn’t true. He’d admired me from afar and decided to show his admiration one day. Because I turned him down—out of loyalty to who I thought was a friend—he proceeded to tell everyone at preparatory school that I fucked him. It initiated the beginning of Cherish’s four-year reign of torment over me.
No matter what I did, she wouldn’t stop. My mother was never around to notice the bruises, and my father never cared to do anything about it when he did notice. It continued, even after my father’s death, until the day we graduated.
Crossing my legs, I fiddled with a fraying thread in my jeans. “We’ve discussed her ad nauseam. There is nothing else to say.”
“You’re partially correct, Nikki.” Dr. Erin stood to her feet and straightened her pencil skirt. “While there may be nothing left to say at this point, there is something you need to do. I want you to travel with me.”
“For what? Where?”
She gave me an expressive smile. “You’ll find out when we reach our destination.”
HOVERING OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE doors to the mall, I began to feel something I hadn’t in quite a while.
Dr. Erin touched my shoulder, reminding me of her presence. “There is the most delicious coffee you’ve ever tasted waiting for you at the end of the corridor.”
I pulled at the hem of my wool neck-scarf as a painful heat rushed up my neck. “Starbucks isn’t worth this.”
“What is there to really fear? That someone might brush against your shoulder?”
I shook my head. “That one of them has a gun and wants to kill me.”
“Your concern is the least likely to happen. From what you said of your husband, isn’t he putting your life and the life of your unborn child in danger every day? Why is this any different?”
She was blindingly correct.
I touched the handle of the door. Remembering the breathing techniques she made me practice in her office when my body began to react to the memories, I put it into practice.
As I walked through the door, it became less of a daunting task. The odd hour of our visit ensured the mall was mostly empty.
Keeping my steps unhurried, I focused on the coffee shop directly situated at an intersection of stores.
Dr. Erin remained at my side, her silence serving as encouragement.
When I reached the doorway of the store, I couldn’t contain my smile.
“Great job, Nikki. But we’re not done.” She nodded to the barista, who held a cup of coffee over the head of the patron she was assisting. The customer turned around, evoking a feeling that nearly overtook me earlier.
Like I was her long lost best friend, she gave me a warm smile and padded in my direction. She threw her arms around me before I could react. “Nikki!” she exclaimed and held me by the shoulders. “You are the person I’m supposed to meet with? This is so crazy. It’s so great to see you.” Her eyes glimmered with friendliness. “You look the same as you did in high school.”
I stared at the face of Cherish Clarke, noticing time had been unfairly kind to her. I looked at the doorway, planning my escape route. It was difficult to hear anything over the thoughts shrouding my mind. I wanted to run. I wanted to succumb to the sensation that made my body tremble. The walls felt as though they were closing in and the heavy weight on my chest increased with every passing second.
Dr. Erin squeezed my hand to bring my attention back to her. “I’ll be just outside. You can do this Nikki. I have faith in you.”
“What was that about?” Cherish asked, looking after Dr. Erin. “Was she your friend or your therapist?” She peered at me with a smile that rang as sinister. “Probably a therapist. It’s good you’re seeking therapy. You were always the looney one at Prep.”
Everything stopped, and I was finally able to find my confident posture. “And you were always a bitch. I guess that hasn’t changed, either.”
She gasped, clutching her collarbone. “What is your problem?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t remember tormenting me for years.”
She shrugged dismissively. “So much has happened in my life since then. It was eons ago. Why would I remember? What did I do?”
I stared into her eyes as they smiled back at me, taunting me. Her misplaced and smug grin revealed she remembered everything and was currently reveling in the memory.
Walking over to the counter, I retrieved my coffee and threw it on her.
She gasped in shock and splayed her arms out. “You crazy piece of shit! What the hell is your problem?”
“It used to be you,” I said with a smile. “Have a nice life.”
“You weak, awkward, mousy-looking bitch. Do you think you can do this to me and—”
“Cherish, what’s going on here?” The male voice caught my attention. It was the same man who lied about me because I turned him down. I took note of the rings on both of their fourth fingers. He saw me, recognizing me right away. The look in his eyes rang as the familiar expression he held when he groped me—unwanted and unprovoked—at Cherish’s party. If I hadn’t kneed him in the groin, who knew how far he would’ve gotten. “Nikki?” he ogled every inch of my body. “Wow, it’s been a long time. You look great.”
I closed my coat over the breasts that seemed to hold his attention. “Harris,” I said quietly.
He noticed my wedding ring set and seemed a little put off by it. With a glower, he glanced at his wife who was still dripping in coffee. “What have you done to yourself?”
“She did this to me.” Cherish pointed an accusatory finger my way.
“Come now. You know you’re quite the clumsy bitch. I’m sure you did it to yourself.”
Her posture and her hands dropped simultaneously. Turning despondent in response to her husband’s scathing words to her, she diverted her attention to the parquet flooring. “Can we go?”
Harris scowled at her and turned back to smile at me. “It was great to see you, Nikki.”
“You too, Harris,” I responded blankly.
He grabbed her roughly by the arm and led her out of the coffee shop.
I recalled where I was and forgot everything Dr. Erin had told me. Racing out of the mall as fast as my feet could carry me, I rushed past the walls that threatened to hug me. The din of shoppers echoed inside my head, making it pound in agony.
Sweeping past the entrance, I found a secluded spot to sit. Clearing off the snow from the concrete enclosure, I sat down.
The taps of Dr. Erin’s stilettos pulled my attention. I couldn’t manage direct eye contact. All that I would’ve seen was her disappointment and dismay.
“Did you see it all?” I asked her.
“I did,” she said, sitting next to me.
“Did you know I would do that?”
“I had hoped you wouldn’t,” she replied. “If you hadn’t, I would’ve had better news to give you.”
I shook my head and sighed. “It did nothing for me. It didn’t erase anything, it didn’t make me feel any less or more for her.”
“Were you expecting her to fix the mistakes she’s made in the past? The forgiveness you’re withholding from her is under your control, not hers. The things she did to you affect you more than her. She was simply a woman who fed off your harm. Are you going to allow it to continue?”
Feeling increasingly empty, I allowed a long, slow breath to unfurl. “For a fleeting, hopeful moment, I thought you could really help me.”
“Nikki?” She arose to stand in front of me, the disappointment on her face palpable. “What have we discussed? You matter. You don’t need to rely on other people to make you believe that. You need to look internally.”
“I have.” I shrugged. “It’s missing.”
“But look at where you are standing in this moment. It’s progress.”
“It’s pretense. It’s false. It’s decaffeinated coffee. Pointless.”
“We should continue this in my office. It’s obvious there are more things we need to—”
“There’s only one,” I said distantly. “The reason why I have a problem with crowds. My fear isn’t exactly unfounded. I lost my second boyfriend—then my ex-boyfriend—in a crowd.”
She searched my eyes, waiting for an explanation.
“He was shot in the head while trying to protect me.”
She remained still, nodding as she took in the information. No matter what I confessed to her, nothing seemed to shake her. “That is likely the topic we need to explore further.”
“I can’t. I’m not supposed to remember. If you like your life the way it is, Dr. Erin, you’ll forget I ever said anything. I really didn’t do this expecting you to fix me. I just needed to find the strength to do what needed to be done. Thanks to you, I think I finally do, but it’s all I can do.”