FAITH

Me: Does this look bad? I’m freaking.

I snapped a quick photo of myself wearing a two-piece in the mirror and sent it to the group message. I’d tried it on like six times that week. Sometimes I felt great in it and other times I felt like a lumpy wad of ass and flab. Sometimes all within the span of mere minutes.

It was Sunday morning, the day of the pool party, and I was a cluster of live nerves.

Emma: No. Wear it. It looks badass on you. Do you have a thing to wear over the top if you aren’t feeling it later? Just to be comfortable, yunno?

Noel: You look hot. Nice boobs. You’re just anxious.

Abbey: I’ll never look that good in a bathing suit again.

Emma: I never did to begin with. Hahaha. Faith, I thought you were excited. Why are you freaking out?

I wasn’t sure why I felt so apprehensive about the party all of a sudden. We’d had a great week after our Monday night pizza date. Sure, it’d mostly been a phone call here or there, but he’d come to the bar Wednesday and the diner on Thursday. He wasn’t supposed to have a shift that weekend, but a house fire at the edge of town had kept him occupied Friday night. Saturday he was busy getting things ready, so he didn’t make it in to see me at Sally’s.

He’d left me a couple notes on my kitchen window through the week, and although we were both limited on time it was working out.

And I really wanted it to.

If the bank had called me back for an interview, I think I would have felt more at ease. Howie had been busy when I’d dropped off the application. I was trying to be hopeful, but it had almost been a full week and my optimism was fading. So maybe that was at the root of my anxiety.

Or maybe it was the thought of being around everyone at the party. None of his guests were strangers, and I’d personally known most everyone who’d be there my whole life. However, I hadn’t seen his family in a long time, and I wasn’t sure how things would go or what they thought about us. Surely his parents would want more for him than some townie who already had a kid and no real career.

They probably thought I was just a momma ‘coon looking for a new hollow log.

God, would he be affectionate with me around them? He was always respectful, especially around Delaney, but would it be different around friends and family? Everything was so new, and I wasn’t sure how to act or how I’d react.

Were we officially dating?

Was I his girlfriend?

What would I say if anyone asked?

I doubted anyone would just come out and quiz me or him or us on what was going on. Well, I doubted that from everyone except Darrell. He never beat around the bush.

Me: I think I’m nervous because it’s the first time we’ll be around people. Like we’re kind of together, but it’s really, really new. It might be awkward. 

Emma: I get that, but it’ll be fine. From everything you’ve told us, he won’t let you be uncomfortable. Go, relax, and have a good time.

Noel: What she said. And then, when nobody is looking, jump him. I need this. Wear protection!

Me: I have an IUD. I’m protected.

Abbey: lol Is Delaney excited?

That was another thing. She really was. If things didn’t work out for Aaron and me, eventually I’d get over it. I’d been left before.

She really hadn’t.

Chad left her before she even knew him, which was a blessing and a lot less heartache in the long run for both of us. Already, I could see how she’d easily start caring for Aaron.

If he changed his mind, he’d be crushing not only my heart, but hers.

I supposed it was all about trust at that point. I either had to let him into her life and hope for the best, or keep them separate and potentially spread myself too thin to make either of them happy.

Me: She’s excited about swimming. I’m not sure she’s really picking up on what’s going on. Aaron has always been sweet to her, and she’s never been shy around him. I thought about talking to her about it but decided to wait and just answer questions if she has them, like you guys said. If she seems confused about things, then we’ll have a chit-chat. I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Emma: So his whole family and his friends? That’s kind of a big step already.

Noel: I didn’t meet Nick’s mom until my baby shower. Lol I say the sooner the better. Get in there and mix it up.

Me: It’s not like they’re strangers. I’ll know everyone.

Abbey: Yeah, but this is different.

From my room, I could hear Delaney making a ruckus in her new bedroom. I poked my head into the hall and asked, “What are you doing in there?”

“Um,” she answered, which wasn’t reassuring.

I moseyed down the hall to see what was going on. She was on the floor, already wearing her floaties and swimming suit and flopping around on the hardwood.

“So what’s up?” I asked, holding back my laughter.

“It’s been a long time since I went swimming. I’m just making sure I remember.”

Her bright smile put some things into check for me. This was going to be a good day. Delaney wasn’t worried; she was excited.

So I took a deep breath and cut the anxiety loose. It wasn’t going to drag me under.

Then, just as I was about to leave her to her dry swim test, she said, “Mom, you look pretty.”

Dammit, that was it. I was wearing the two-piece. My body was my body, and how could I be embarrassed about something that gave me her?

#

DELANEY AND I PULLED up beside Darrell’s truck in Aaron’s yard.

“Do you remember what we talked about?” I asked, looking into the backseat.

“Act like I’ve got some manners, be friends, and have fun.” Those instructions were a good reminder for me, too.

As I got out and rounded the car to get our swimming totes and the other stuff we’d brought, Aaron and Smokie came around Darrell’s big pickup.

“Hey, Delaney,” Aaron greeted. His dog licked her arms and legs as she climbed out the back door of my car.

“Can Smokie swim?” she asked right away. I swore the whole world revolved around the pool that day.

“No. He doesn’t get in, but I’ll swim with you,” he offered. If he was the consolation prize to a dog, I’d gladly take second forever.

Aaron had on a sleeveless WFD shirt, which exposed not only his big arms, but his ribs and sides too, a pair of black swimming trunks, and flip-flops. Shades covered his eyes, but he wore a bright grin that was in plain view. His large feet were as white as loose-leaf paper, but his legs were tan—the contrast had me giggling on the inside. I think he caught me checking out his tan line because he wiggled his toes.

“Need help with anything?”

“We just have a few bags, a cooler, and a couple of dishes.”

Sunny and Rhett pulled in beside my car as I handed him things from my passenger seat.

“Hey, Faith,” Sunny said. “Ready to party? I made Pool Water, and I’ve got a kickass playlist ready to go.” She tugged a big beach bag out of the truck with her.

Delaney chimed in, “I made chocolate pudding.” Chocolate pudding wasn’t a typical carry-in dish, but since Mom and I were both making items to bring, Delaney went with the one thing she could do on her own. Instant fudge pudding, enough for four whole people.

“I love chocolate pudding,” Rhett said, smiling at her and holding up a high-five to slap to her success.

Sunny’s eyes warmed as she watched them, and then she warned her husband. “I know what you’re doing, farmer boy. And even if it’s cute, I’m not falling for it. Not today, Caraway. Not today.”

He heaved one of those big orange water coolers with the spigot at the bottom out of the bed of his truck. “We’ll see about that, Sunshine. I think you need a drink.”

To my surprise, everyone seemed normal. It was just an easy, laid-back afternoon in the pool.

Sunny and Hannah were friendly and amusing. They were older than me, but they were fun. I always assumed I didn’t have anything in common with them, but I’d been wrong. Hannah and I both had daughters, and Sunny’s personality reminded me of my group chat so much. She didn’t have much of a filter either.

“So does Chad even see Delaney? I haven’t seen him in town for years,” Sunny asked. The three of us had taken over one corner of the pool, leaving the middle to the kids and guys playing some kind of beach ball game with Delaney and the other littles.

“Nope. Not once.”

“What is his problem?” Hannah asked. “He had so much going for him.”

“Yeah, until he blew his knee.” The whole reason we left State and came back to Wynne. It was just supposed to be for a semester; I was going to help him after surgery. When he was healed, I was going to leave and go back to school. Instead, I got pregnant and he got a drug addiction. “He didn’t care about much after that.”

“What a dick,” Sunny cursed and sucked a blue drink through her straw. “Well, you guys deserve better than him.” Her eyes wandered to Aaron and I followed them. My little girl was on his back trying to push him under. “Looks like karma thinks so too,” she added.

Hannah said, “He’s good with her, and I think it’s good for her. I always wished my dad would date when I was growing up. It’s different when you just have one parent.”

“I’m not expecting him to parent her,” I defended sharper than I should have. It was a delicate subject and I’d had a few drinks.

Did I want a man who loved and cared for my daughter? Sure, but I was her mother. I wasn’t in the market for a sugar daddy or a babysitter.

“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just nice seeing how much they enjoy each other. He’s our friend, and he looks happier now. That’s all.”

I felt bad for snapping back, I probably needed to eat. My mouth was getting ahead of my brain, but I was sensitive about it. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. You’re a great mom with a great kid, but Aaron’s a pretty great guy too. All three of you can be happy,” she proposed. Her smile was friendly and sincere.

Thing was: watching them, my daughter and Aaron, laughing and having a good time, really made me want our relationship to go somewhere. Not just for me, but for her too. It was complicated.

On one hand, I’d never expect him to just jump in and pretend he was her dad. Ever. But on the other hand, she looked so happy. Playing without a care in the world, surrounded by good people. It was hard not to imagine how much she’d gain if Aaron really wanted to be a bigger part of our lives.

Don’t even get me started on what watching him was doing to me. Between the sun, the rum, and his chiseled chest, my face flushed so often that I was thankful to be in the cool water.